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Comment by Michelle B. on April 17, 2015 at 11:52am

Dolly, thank you for your reply.  It was my husband who was killed suddenly, not a child...that is a whole other level of suffering that I could not under any circumstances even hope to comprehend. 

Comment by Dolly on April 17, 2015 at 11:47am

Michelle you are a grieving mother... nothing is WRONG with you except the very worst WRONG thing we have ever faced.. losing our child.. people are just not worth worrying about at this point... they may think they are being kind, but they can do so much damage with a careless remark like 'you need to get on with your life' and such... its just ignorance .. my biggest problem is trying to keep from telling them to shut the **** UP!! sorry .. but its true.... I USUALLY succeed but I'm sure my eyes are spinning in their sockets and steam coming out of my ears... but then they would still not get it..

Comment by Michelle B. on April 17, 2015 at 11:31am

Had a good day, but the wave came last evening with no apparent trigger.  Cannot seem to get any work done, housework, interactions with the kids have been on autopilot.  I feel guilty for having a good day.  Also, why would someone who knows what happened to our family, ask me "what's wrong" when they find me in tears? Am I being really selfish and stupid by assuming those who know, should know exactly why every tear, every sad thought, every screw-up due to lack of focusing, is based on that one thing?  I give my children this talk every day, just about - people don't say things to be mean, they are just people and sometimes they just talk before they think. We all do it! I've gone from relying a great deal on my friends to wondering what I ever saw in these people. What on earth is happening to me?

Comment by Lynn Boyd on April 17, 2015 at 11:07am

I know what you mean about friends and family being less than helpful. They are NOT in your shoes, and be prepared for them to say some hurtful or dumb, stupid things. They mean well, they only want you to be happy and hurt less. But they still are clueless. This is why I urge you to find a bereavement group, where you will be amongst supportive, like-minded people. My group has literally been a life saver for me. To find a group you can check hospitals, your church, funeral homes, and online. (Google "bereavement groups" with the name of your hometown.) The books call it "grief work" and you must do this work to eventually find some peace. Your son lives on in spirit in your heart...keep him there, he will always be there for you. There is a special place in heaven for children who become automatic angels. He will be watching over you...watch for the signs. You may not see or feel them at first (I didn't) but they will be there. Practicing gratefulness is also helpful....being grateful for what little time he was allowed into your life can be comforting. I am grateful for the twenty-seven years I had my husband in my life...25 of them married to him. Grief is the price we pay for Love. If we didn't love them as much as we do, the pain of grief wouldn't be as strong. <3 <3 <3

Comment by Denise on April 16, 2015 at 9:41pm

Thanks for the ((((((hugs)))))) and right back to u

Comment by Denise on April 16, 2015 at 9:38pm

Thank u for all the advice and I will start reading some books. I do have plenty of family and friends but they don't have a clue cause there not in my shoes. I was not drinking or doing drugs or anything (I never did nor would i) but I was driving the car my only child died in . It was nothing but a accident because I blacked out and ran off the road. We were almost home ,it was probably not even a mile away :( :::::::::

Comment by Lynn Boyd on April 16, 2015 at 9:02pm

oh Denise, I wish I could hug you right now. The loss of a child is especially difficult. I know you would do anything to have him back. When we grieve we ask lots of questions...why him? Why at such a bad time? What could I have done? You may feel like it was somehow your fault. The worst part is these questions have no answers. But it is completely normal for you to feel these emotions. April 12 was the second birthday my husband has missed...I dreaded the day and felt myself backsliding into guilt and grief. You will have highs and lows. Something that helped me was reading every book on grief I could find at my library. Those books gave me the tools I needed to work through my own nightmare. An especially helpful book was "I Wasn't Ready To Say Goodbye". There are chapters for parents who have lost a child, There is also a Facebook page by the same title (I don't think they are connected though) and I get daily affirmations that help me remember that life is still worth living. Seek out as much support as you can find. It's only been six months for you, and I'll bet you feel like crap most of the time. It's okay to feel crappy. So be kind to yourself, allow yourself however much time you need to work through the crap. We all grieve differently, even though we all feel that same pain. Do you have good people around to help support you? There are good people here. *****bigger hugs*****

Comment by Denise on April 16, 2015 at 8:23pm

It was a car accident

Comment by Denise on April 16, 2015 at 8:22pm

Thank you I needed that. I lost my 8 yr.old son 6 month's ago next week and his 9th b'day is the following day :( it was right before all the holidays and now his birthday next week then mothers day is next. It's just getting worse and I want to be with him

Comment by Lynn Boyd on April 16, 2015 at 7:25pm

My husband and I celebrated our 25th anniversary New Years Eve 2013 in Vegas. Next day we got home and he got sick with flu. Less than a week later he was in the emergency room, then in ICU. 3 weeks later he was gone. We had just moved to this new town, and I knew nobody. Family was scattered across the U.S. I never knew such pain, such lonliness, such abandonment. I wanted to join him. Thankfully the counselors I saw urged me to join a bereavement group. It's been so much more than a year now, and I still go to my regular meetings. My pain has lessened somewhat, and I've been doing my grief work. What I can tell you who have suffered a recent, sudden loss is you will not always feel as bad as you do now. I didn't believe that either at first. Don't hold in your emotions or pain....cry hard and long and just let it wash over you. Scream if you feel like (in private is best), and you can even scream and curse God if it helps...you will not offend Him, He knows you are in pain, and even your outbursts are a type of prayer. Peace will come later, don't expect to ever "get over" your loss but know you can get through it. I pray for everyone here to find Peace. This online community has helped me so much, it's a good place to come and tell your story, vent your pain and find compassion and support. ***hugs*** for all.

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