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Comment by morgan 9 hours ago

Bluebird,  

I always feel a spiritual kinship with what you write.  You were the first person here who when I started reading who was honest and told it like it was.  That hasn't changed and I truly believe that if anyone outside of our circle of grief who really wants to try and understand how misunderstood the process of grieving has been for many they would find truth by coming here and reading posts like yours.  

I have seen myself go through the days trying to find my way.  What most people outside of the grieving world cannot comprehend is that there are no answers for us..... we are literally and figuratively at a dead end.  Some people don't feel they had all they wanted in life after their spouse has died.  They look for more.  I don't need more.  I had what I wanted.  Its just that I am unable to accept he is gone forever.  

Today I had a cathartic discussion with a friend.  I explained how I feel every day that I wake up to a different dimension.  I see most of what I  saw the day before in a familiar universe except that the dimension of how each day transpires and what will happen to me is totally unfamiliar.  Totally overwhelming and upsetting.  The energy, the force of the cosmos is going to set the stage for what is going to happen to me that day in this other universe that looks all too familiar.  I don't have a ton of control over it.  I may make a few minor choices but most of what happens, comes through me, not from me.  

As Joe (Kelly) has written he has a bit firmer grasp on the knowledge of how the universe is structured due to his OBE and interestingly I hear him when he says "it must be very frustrating for her to try and not get through"..... I get that.  I think that is one of the reasons why I break down.  I believe my husband is trying to get through and because I am unable to respond to him I just cry for him.  

The other thing Joe said about his twitch coming in ones and twos......I find that I imagine the signals coming from my husband in ones and zeros. .... bits/bytes....reading the physics as I have I think communication is coming through to us if we can open up the channel that receives them.  So much is based on patterns and not blocking out the things we think are coincidences.  I have to remind myself that the force of how the universe works is the lesson death has made me face. I don't want to have to come back to learn a lesson I can master now so I can stay with my soulmate forever in the other dimension.  I know this might sound kooky but I am beginning to believe that.  Joe's words help reinforce it and I will slip back alot but  I need to hear how it has worked for others.  It gives me hope there is another side and that is where I will be happy again.

Thank you Bluebird for being an honest griever......your words are always wise.  

morgan

 

Comment by Linda Engberg on Saturday

Joe & Bluebird,

Thanks for sharing you thoughts mine are exactly the same. I hate that I have to go on in this world. I have friends that our dying of cancer, I would trade places with them if I could. To endure my feelings I drink at least 6 bottles of beer a day. I do not get drunk it just helps me make it through the day. I have tried every Med out there but they do not help. My family tells me it is not the way to live but what hope do I have. They will never know what people like us are going through.

Comment by Denise Lavoie on Friday

Hi my name is scotishbrat this will be my 3rd holiday season with out my love.It is so hard to do anything.l have crying spells that are so intense it feels like l am going to die.Once l stary it could go on for hours and then l feel completely washed out.lt is echausting living this way.l talk to Jesus telling him it is too hard being here with out Ron l can't go on. I look at our children and l see so much of him in them.Our son has his filming talents.Our daughters have his work ethic.They work very hard and they have his creative nature.Our great grandson has a lot of his phyiscal features .l see him all around me. I want so much to be with him.Thank you for being there.

Comment by bluebird on Friday

morgan,

As usual, I identify so much with your post. 

As you said, by burying our soulmates we buried ourselves. Why can't people understand that? If I had a child with my husband, I would feel some pull to live for that child. I felt that because of our cat, but now our cat is dead and my husband is dead and I am dead. There is no fixing this. As you said, these feelings are normal. When your soul has been ripped from you, how and why would anyone expect you to live or to care about living? I am in the wrong place, now. I love my family, but without my husband I am no longer a part of this life.

Like you, I wish I felt some degree of certainty that my husband is still with me, or even that he still exist in an afterlife at all. At least you have what you termed a "spiritual universal belief", though I fully understand that that isn't enough. When my husband died, I lost whatever tenuous "belief" (I was agnostic) I might have clung to about there being any sort of loving god. I have lost everything, except for my family, and I don't know why people (IRL) can't fucking understand that.  I mean it, literally everything, except my family (a major exception, to be sure). My husband died. My future is gone. Any chance of children is gone. My sexuality is gone, because I don't want anyone other than my husband. Any faith in god is gone. My desire to write is gone. My desire to do anything with my life is gone. Any chance of holding a decent job is gone, because my brain doesn't work anymore. And so any shot at financial stability is gone. My health is gone, because I don't take care of myself, because I want to die, but at the same time illness terrifies me. My desire for and ability to make friends is gone. My soul is so diminished as to be gone.

I lost about thirty pounds when my husband died, too, though I did need to lose it. I couldn't eat. Since then, I've gained back that thirty and probably another 70. I am seriously overweight, and it just doesn't matter. It will probably kill me, and I want it to, though I hope it does so instantly and preferably painlessly.

I actually envy you, that you have boxes of your love's things to go through. There are no more things belonging to my husband (he was never one to have a lot of material possessions). There will never be any new things, and that is horrifying. To me, that's worse than going through his stuff. I can never discover anything new about him, anything he thought or wrote or felt, and so I am bereft.

Comment by joe kelly on Friday

Morgan,

Given that I lost the unrelenting, unconditional love of my entire life, I look back at what happened to me, so many years ago, as some kind of a divine gift, almost as if something knew that someday, I would need it. I also know that if it happened to me, it happened to her, and must happen to everyone.

I can empathize with your statement:
"And I wish I could have the same amount of certainty that my beloved is beside me. Its not that I don't have a spiritual universal belief but I need the visceral. Its so difficult to live on belief."

If I didn't truly believe my OBE was real, I'd feel the same way and any time I say to her "you're with me, right?". I say, "of course you are", because I know that had I died that time, I would had stayed with her till she came to me. And given the love she had for me was so unbelievably complete, I know she will never leave me till I come to her. I will suffer 24/7/365 in this hell on earth until that day comes and will never relent.

Oh how I wish she could appear before me or say something I can actually hear. I tell her it must be very frustrating for her to try and not get through. I tell her it's ok, but keep trying and don't fret about it. That said, this may just be a fluke, but this morning, I woke up and as usual, laid there thinking (sometimes crying) about her. I started getting a twitch in the muscle between my neck and shoulder. It lasted about 30 or so seconds. I very rarely ever get any twitches. Funny thing about it was that it came in ones and twos. It just so happens that when I imagine that if I had a stroke some day, and all I could do was blink my eyes, one would be for yes, and two would be for no. Of course it's probably a fluke, but who knows?

As I posted before, I wear a DNR-DNI tag and carry my docs with me, which my lawyer says, if I'm ever brought to an ER, they wouldn't touch me. That's how confident I am about going to her since she can't come back to me (physically).

When I first registered on this site, I read somewhere that it is suggested we don't use our real name. Well, protecting my privacy, Joe Kelly isn't my real name. I'm telling you this because that is the only thing I've posted that isn't the absolute truth.

Live on belief, Morgan. 

"Joe"

Comment by Linda Engberg on Wednesday

Dear Morgan and Trina,

Thanks for the two beautiful posts. We are so lucky to have this forum.It is a place we can come to and not be judged by the world for the way we feel. This is the only support we have to make it through our daily lives. Thank God for each and every one of you.

Comment by Trina Mamoon on Wednesday

Dear morgan, Linda, John, Joe, Denise, JenShep, Monty, and all Those Others reading this,

I empathize with you all. My heart goes out to you!

I think one of the reasons that others who have not lost a spouse do not understand us is because as Linda points out they do not/ have not had the kind of love that we had with our spouse. Those of us who are here on this site after several years since we lost our spouse shows that we shared a rare, very special love with our soulmate.

As one of our friends put it to me when Joseph passed "The two of you shared the kind of love that they write poetry about" (he was so right!) I think all the others here who still mourn the loss of the love of their life after three, four, five, or more years did have the kind of love with their spouse that they write poetry about. Not all spouses and couples are blessed with that kind of love. That is why it's so hard for others to relate to us. It was no ordinary love.

When I was happy and Joseph was still alive, and I heard about the death of someone's spouse or partner, I instinctively empathized with them. Of course, I didn't have any idea how it actually feels to endure that kind of suffering, but my heart would always go out to the widow/widower, perhaps because I knew what a tremendous loss it would be to lose my beloved husband. But alas, now that I am a widow, very few people really get it: that the death of your spouse is not something that you get over after a year or two. 

The first year of Joseph's anniversary of passing I had explained to our gathered family members that losing Joseph is a daily painful reminder; it is like living with a severed limb or losing your eyesight. You never forget that you lost an arm or a leg or your eyesight. Everyday you are painfully reminded of this irreparable loss and for as long as you live the pain will be always there. I think at that point they had some sense of the suffering I was--and have been since--enduring. No, it is not something that you put behind you, you don't move on. 

I am so glad and thankful for this forum where we can come and read the comments and commiserate with one another. If not for this site, it would have been much harder to cope. So thank you all for visiting here from time to time and for sharing your thoughts and feelings candidly and for comforting us with words of understanding and empathy. Through our common bond--the death of our soulmate--we can console each other, at least for a little bit.

Thinking of you all and sending healing thoughts this holiday season. May peace come to us all.

Comment by morgan on Tuesday

It isn't a secret how death affects many of us.  Its just avoided when the conversation comes up......For us it is as though we buried ourselves.  I think it is brave and necessary for those who have lost their beloved and still have children to cope by doing things that support those who are part of family.  It is different for those of us who didn't have children.  I don't think we feel the same obligation to live life.  But I totally understand and I feel sorry if my own comments make it harder for you but I think I know by now that as we share our pain we all try and cope in the best ways we can.  In other words Monty, its good that you are being the best dad you can.  Bravo to you.....you are doing good.

And Joe, your last line was the sticker for me.  I have tried to explain to those who are trying to understand the new me that this is not something that needs fixed.  This IS normal.  What would be abnormal is if I didn't feel the intense connection I shared with my beloved husband for years even now.  That would be something to worry about. And I wish I could have the same amount of certainty that my beloved is beside me.  Its not that I don't have a spiritual universal belief but I need the visceral.  Its so difficult to live on belief.  And I too lost thirty pounds I didnt need to and I know my immune system is slowly depleting me.  And its ok.  I too don't want to have checkups and fix ups.  I'm like you.  If my skin tags get much worse I am sure I'll be a clinical phenomena for the cancer groups.  

And yes Trina,  what is the point?  I've asked myself that since day one.  Give me a good reason and so far, no one has anything......I do it all but the journey is unmoving.  

Linda, it is so obvious through your pictures that your Julian was your guiding star.  He was that tall beacon of light.  Now the world has dimmed.  Almost black..........I wonder i that is why I still gravitate to wearing black.  Its almost like it is easier for me....

John, The fact you said as a psychologist you recognize the triggers but cannot overcome them is so pertinent to the void we have, the chasm of recognizing the way grief operates.  Its like a stealthy bludgeon.  I can even feel the biological precursors of when I am going to have a breakdown now.  Before it was all the time.  Now its when I hit a really impactful trigger but there is nothing I can do to stop it.  Then I have to go through the crying and see it through till the end.  I know items like the car are still those material connections that unearth the more vivid repetitious moments we lived with our beloved.  I am still working my way through boxes of things I had packed over five plus years ago and I have avoided doing it.  I can only take this a step at a time because I now know what my reaction to it will be and those moments have become just excrutiatingly painful.  More than I thought possible. Yet we live through them and wish we didnt.

Its hard isn't it?  Living with this kind of suffering.  And everyday we take pity on those who are new to this struggle of losing their beloved.  I think of the dead who recently have died in the disasters we watch on TV and all I can do is think of how their family is suffering.  Seems like an awful lot and I don't remember in my 66 years in this earth so much suffering.  Maybe I just was too happy huh? 

Comment by Linda Engberg on Tuesday

Jen,

You hit the nail on the head that all people on this site didn't have the kind of love we had with our spouses. They were our soulmates and we were as one.

Comment by JenShep on Tuesday

I haven't posted in a while but I'm still in the same boat I was last time I posted and to come back here and read others' posts that sound so much like what I'm still going through is a bit of a comfort. 

Joe, like you I keep wishing for cancer (or better - a stroke or something quick and painless) to end it all so I can be with Tom again. I haven't had the extensive OBE that you've had but I have started to "slip out" a few times so I have the same feeling that they are just in another dimension nearby. I live for signs and things like that and sometimes am rewarded but not often enough. 

John, that sounds awful. I am so sorry about the car. I know I would have lost my mind over that too. I still have Tom's car and feel bad when I don't drive it often enough but when I do it's like entering his world a little bit so to lose that would be awful. My mom keeps hoping I'll sell it - every time I begin a sentence with "So, Tom's car..." she gets all excited and says "you're going to sell it??!!! *yipee, yipee, yipee*" It upsets me a lot. 

And Linda, I think that's the thing - they haven't had a love like we have. I think most of us on this site had something more special than the average relationship and that's why this is so hard. 

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