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Lost My Spouse...

Members: 311
Latest Activity: 8 hours ago

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They don't understand. 2 Replies

How do you deal with well meaning family/friends who just don't understand what you're going through? 2 of my sisters-in-law still have their husbands.  One does not have a good marriage, she talks…Continue

Started by Jennifer. Last reply by Linda Engberg 8 hours ago.

Lost without my husband 14 Replies

I'm confused with this forum. Don't know if I'm supposed to post it as a comment or add a discussion so I apologize for doing both. I'm looking for grief support. I lost my husband on April 19th…Continue

Started by Jules. Last reply by Jennifer on Wednesday.

Option B 2 Replies

Hi, just want to through this out there for anyone who has not heard of this book.Option B, it is a good book.  I have both the book and CD.  There is also a website.  Continue

Started by KIM Montgomery. Last reply by Linda Engberg on Tuesday.

Still lost 10 Replies

My 25th wedding anniversary is tomorrow and I am more lost than ever I miss my husband so much the pain of losing him is harder everyday my heart is in a million pieces and next month it will be two…Continue

Started by Pamela philipp. Last reply by Linda Engberg on Tuesday.

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Comment by KIM Montgomery 15 hours ago

Hello, well I made it through my 1st anniversary without him.  It was a really hard day, Wednesday.  I miss him like crazy and love him so much. Today I just feel numb.  All these stages of grief are exhausting.  Working full time, taking care the house by myself as the kids went to Texas which is a long way from where I live.  I live in the country and the yard is large as Jack was a landscaper by trade and loved working in the yard.  I have thought about moving but just can't yet. I have everything I need out there right now and my dogs love it.  I am currently looking for a landscaper who will help me with the yard.  Today is very strange I am just numb.  I don't feel anything.  I am going to find a therapist that can help me through this.

Comment by Alice Thompson yesterday
Jennifer, I remember when the anger started burning inside me too. It was horrible and ugly and scary, and immensely powerful. I felt afraid to open my mouth in front of others in case I screamed and yelled and told them what I thought of them and the whole ****ty world they thought was so great. I still feel that anger burning, but I have got used to it now as part of my grief, and it doesn't get expressed verbally. One practical solution to the problem that has worked so well for me (but sounds very strange) is the game Tetris. Do you remember those original Game Boys about 20 years ago? Well a psychologist friend told me that game has been found to help people with post-traumatic stress. So I tried it, and it gave me such comfort. I don't really know why, but perhaps because it is a very simple screen with no distractions (I found it didn't work so well as an app on my phone, but only on the actual old fashioned little device, with the clicking buttons), and you have this simple, achievable task which makes you feel in control, and gives you rewards. I found that while playing it, all my anger welled up in my chest and I thought about the people that I was angry with, but didn't feel negative somehow. Psychologically, perhaps, it allows you
to experience the anger and do something with it, but safely and peacefully.
Comment by John T. yesterday

Hello AnneJ and everyone,  In a couple of weeks it will be 3 years since I lost all that mattered to me.  Six months ago I started unpacking and hung some pictures where I live now.  I did it out of embarrassment rather than a desire to make a home.  Every single day since that September afternoon that she died, I have thought about her during the long hours.  I don't cry every day but when something sparks a memory, I do.  That happens more times in a week than I believe.  The pain isn't as sharp and there is no way it possibly could be.  I doubt I could have gone on living with that.  However, it's only in the last 8 or 9 months that it has faded to a dull, vague hurt that's always there, like background noise.  I drank for a while and since that brought me so little relief, I have stopped.  I wish that after all these many months, these years, that I had some insight or new found wisdom to share.  I don't.  This is still as big a mystery as it was 3 years ago, as inexplicable and shocking as ever.  I worry all the time about our two cats and I can't imagine losing them.  This is all a jumble of thoughts.  There is no way I can make sense of anything that has happened.  People around me have wondered why this has been so hard and talk about how free I am to do anything I want.  What would that be?  I can never tell them that all that's important to me is lost and my heart will be forever broken by losing her.  I can't believe it's been 3 years.  3 years since I spoke to her, held her hand, and talked about the things that interested us both.  To have lost the most simple things that now mean more than I can say is awful.  I miss her more than I could ever put into words.  Somehow, I have survived it but I am unsure exactly why.  One more question without an answer.

Comment by Jennifer yesterday

Apparently, I have found the anger that my counselor and everyone else has been saying I was going to feel.  To this point, all I have felt is sad or numb.  Well, the last 2 days I have not been able to stand to see happy families.  My brother's family makes me mad, my in-laws' families make me mad, stranger's families make me mad.  I even got mad in the store today when I saw a generic photo of a happy family.  I didn't know this is what the anger would be.  Everyone kept telling me I would be angry at God or my husband.  They didn't say anything about this.  And it makes me feel horrible that I am feeling this way.

AnneJ, Thank you, I am happy for the responses but also I am glad that I can come here and say exactly what I am feeling or going through and no one tries to "fix" it or tell me what I should do to feel better.  It is nice to hear people say "I understand here's a hug" and they really do understand.

Comment by AnneJ yesterday

Hi, Linda. I feel the same way as you. I feel like you could walk right into my home, sit down, and we wouldn't have to say a word and be completely understood by one another. It's been 3 years and 10 months since my Beloved man died, the man I had been looking for my whole life... it was only by finding you and the others here that I am able to find one moment of kinship with the world. I miss hearing from Tildy and John and Kathleen and so many others, but here we are and all I can do is let the newcomers here know they are not alone and nobody here tells anybody to "go fix yourself".

Jennifer, you are so very welcome here and I hope you come to know that even if everyone is not responding, we read and mourn with you. We are where you are. This is a terrible time; I tell my husband a hundred times a day how much I love him. 

Anyway, Linda. Sending you a real smile. Love from AnneJ.

Comment by Linda Engberg on Wednesday

To all my friends on this web-site.

I want to thanks all of you for being so understanding as we are all in the same boat. The outside world will never understand what we are going through. It's been 4 years and I still am griefing. I see a therapist every week. I keep hoping I can feel better, but she did tell me that their just ins't a pill for this problem.

I feel all we can do is just one day at a time.

Love to you all, Linda 

Comment by Shelley Sawhook on Wednesday

Jennifer,

My kids are adults and my crying distresses them, so I know you don't want to, but it happens and you can't let yourself get upset when it does.  You are a human and have very raw feelings.  If you hide it too much they will think they need to hide it and not show it like you are.  They will feel like they can't express their hurt to you, and they need to be able to do that.  My husband died 8 January and I still forget sometimes that he is gone.  I have called out for him and I talk to him frequently, it happens.  Of course it was a bad day, they all will be until they aren't.  Be kind to yourself.

Comment by Jennifer on Wednesday

I am having such a horrible day.  It has been one month since my husband passed and everything I had to do today kept reminding me he was gone.  Then just a little while ago I forgot for one second and called out to him to ask what he wanted for dinner.  It hit me like a ton of bricks and I couldn't stop crying.  Which in turn upset our kids and that made me cry even harder.  Finally got myself under control but I can tell the smallest thing will set me off again.  Hopefully, it will wait a few hours until the kids are in bed.    

Comment by KIM Montgomery on Tuesday

Susan, my friend at work had it sent to me as well.  I didn't even know it was coming.  I thought the same thing, great she wants me to feel better right now.  Not the case.  It true story about how she came back from the sudden loss of her husband while on vacation.  How to find happiness and not leave the memories behind; how to stay out of the rabbit hole.  Easier said than done of course.  I miss Jack so much. 

Comment by KIM Montgomery on Tuesday

How do all of you do it. Go day by day and continue.  I have a full time job and a house to take care of.  I am without a support system in the area. I have been back to work 9 weeks.  I was doing so much better when I first came back to work.  Now the grief sneaks in and overwhelms me.  I try to stay focused.  I find myself crying all of the time.  This doesn't seem real to me.  Jack is really gone.  I wake up each morning and look at his side of the bed it is empty.  He is not coming back.  The day he passed my heart tore in 2 and the pain is internal.  I am tired of looking like a hot mess at work (figure of speech).  Tomorrow is our 16th wedding anniversary.  I took the day off as I know I won't be much good at work.  I read all of your posts and some of have at least gone through the 1st year of 1st everything how did you do it.  I am going through them now.

 

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Janie m Snitko commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"I hope everybody has a loving good weekend and let's celebrate our Mom's for giving us life. I love you Mama!!"
2 hours ago
Linda Engberg replied to Jennifer's discussion They don't understand. in the group Lost My Spouse...
"Jennifer, It has been 4 years since I lost my Husband and soulmate to cancer. My family and friends tell me that time will things better. To tell you the truth the only way I keep my sanity, is adopting a dog and seeing my therapist and…"
8 hours ago
KIM Montgomery replied to Jennifer's discussion They don't understand. in the group Lost My Spouse...
"Jennifer, my husband passed May 2, 2017.  We had a wonderful marriage and we loved each other with all of our hearts.  Jack was an awesome person.  I am currently going through this with my own family.  I am away from my family…"
10 hours ago
KIM Montgomery commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Hello, well I made it through my 1st anniversary without him.  It was a really hard day, Wednesday.  I miss him like crazy and love him so much. Today I just feel numb.  All these stages of grief are exhausting.  Working full…"
15 hours ago
Mike H. posted a blog post

Repost: Is It Wrong to Grieve?

Is It Wrong to Grieve?Have you ever had a brief bout with illness? Perhaps you recovered so quickly that you have practically forgotten the episode. Well, grief is not like that. “There is no such thing as ‘getting over’ grief,” writes Dr. Alan Wolfelt in his book Healing a Spouse’s Grieving Heart. However, he adds: “Over time and with the support of others, your grief will soften.”As an example, consider how the patriarch Abraham reacted when his wife died. The Bible says that “Abraham began…See More
17 hours ago
Angela commented on Angela's blog post I lost My Mom
"I think because my daughter is giving me my first grand child it has blocked out some of the hurt I feel. Even though I am not crying I do think about my mom all the time, everyday"
yesterday
Alice Thompson commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Jennifer, I remember when the anger started burning inside me too. It was horrible and ugly and scary, and immensely powerful. I felt afraid to open my mouth in front of others in case I screamed and yelled and told them what I thought of them and…"
yesterday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"My mom loved Judge Judy. You couldn't convince her that was not a real courtroom. She also loved The Shark Tank and Everybody Loves Raymond. It all seems like just yesterday since we watched those shows together. I love those shows, too, but it…"
yesterday
John T. commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Hello AnneJ and everyone,  In a couple of weeks it will be 3 years since I lost all that mattered to me.  Six months ago I started unpacking and hung some pictures where I live now.  I did it out of embarrassment rather than a desire…"
yesterday
Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
":)"
yesterday
Jennifer added a discussion to the group Lost My Spouse...
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They don't understand.

How do you deal with well meaning family/friends who just don't understand what you're going through? 2 of my sisters-in-law still have their husbands.  One does not have a good marriage, she talks about her husband dying flippantly she says things like "I know if _____ died I would use the insurance money to go on that vacation he never wants to go on."  Then in the next breath "Are you still going on your cruise next year?  I could take (my husband's) place if you want so you're not alone."…See More
yesterday
Janie m Snitko commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Today was a good day! I love you and thank you so very much Mama! I think of you everyday while cleaning up your home and getting it ready for sale. It is still hard for me to go there and not seeing you watching Dr.Phil and judge Judy! I have not…"
yesterday
Beth Swansboro posted a status
"I am just learning this new place to talk. Not real sure how it works. I will stop in again. Thinking alot tonite of my husband. Sad."
yesterday
Beth Swansboro posted a status
"I get sad when I see family together. My son who is an only child I feel pain for. He lost the person he loved so much and talked to alot."
yesterday
Beth Swansboro posted a status
"Been reading the articles past few days. Lost my husband Nov. 2015. Not a day goes by I wish he were here. I will like being able to be here"
yesterday
Jennifer commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Apparently, I have found the anger that my counselor and everyone else has been saying I was going to feel.  To this point, all I have felt is sad or numb.  Well, the last 2 days I have not been able to stand to see happy families.…"
yesterday
Diane commented on Angela's blog post I lost My Mom
"My mom had renal failure , she passed away December 2015. I still miss her everyday of my breathing, during this time I had broken my right wrist on a Friday Dec. 11 2015 my mom died on the 17. The pain was in so many directions, leaving the…"
yesterday
Diane posted a status
"It's been 2 years since my mom died, I still miss her , it will be 3 years really in December. I miss u mom. Love you so much,"
yesterday
Abigail Noell and Brenda Ann are now friends
yesterday
AnneJ commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Hi, Linda. I feel the same way as you. I feel like you could walk right into my home, sit down, and we wouldn't have to say a word and be completely understood by one another. It's been 3 years and 10 months since my Beloved man died, the…"
yesterday

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