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Comment by morgan 58 minutes ago

This website is like a secret world we inhabit where the platitudes and scorn for not fitting in are understood as hogwash.  We know better than anyone on the outside of our grief how this has affected us.  I am so tired of being labeled as exhibiting depression.  What the hay?  I don't even have a response for people (or doctors) who want to stack me onto that pile.  Call it what they might I know what has happened to me.  And it was a complete 180 from who I was to who I am and it happened in a split second and has never reversed.  I'm smart enough to know grief didnt make me stupid........nor can I label it depression.  I had to render my soul to the universe.  It is gone and until I go,  there is no getting it back.  I left it on the threshold I am unable to see, hear or cross.  It is maddening.  It complicates my life on a daily basis because I no longer SHARE my life.  I live in a fog that clears enough for me to appear to others real but inside it is all surreal.  The meltdowns can be short and treacherous and they most definitely have changed their manifestation over the years.  

I too lost weight and nothing I do is grounded anymore.  Not sleep, not eating, not memory......The waves hit me when they damn well feel like it and as for control I gave up thinking I have any.  When I have a meltdown in consumes me and I can feel the leftovers in my eyes for hours later.  

Yes, we are all trying to find ways to cope.  And thats all it is.  Coping.  Some hours are better than others but none of them are great.  Not like they used to be.  I lived life with an intensity before.  It was all in technicolor.  Now its vanilla to grey.  I guess I am surprised in one way that it hit me this hard as I was told by others for so much of my life how strong I was.  And I felt pretty strong too.  Now, I am a puddle most often with little energy to dry out and wipe myself off the floor (just an analogy*).  

Tomorrow will be six years.  I'd be fine if I didnt last another six days. ........I wish........

 

Comment by Nancy 2 hours ago

Lovely pictures everyone.   Thank you for sharing.   I am in the same boat.  I just exist.   

Comment by joe kelly 3 hours ago

I,m grateful that I found this site.  It's sort of like besides my family, you all are the only friends I have left.  I do have a couple that are long distance, but don't get to see them very often.  All my so called local friends seem to avoid me.  I don't blame them though.  I can't pretend, or socialize normally so I isolate.  I'm down to 145 lbs now and hope it's because of something medical.  I do eat but not that much.  I'm never hungry and don't have much of an appetite.  Last year I weighed about 210.  I don't think I'll have the strength to share tomorrow.  Morgan, I'll say a prayer at the Mass for you tomorrow especially, and for you too Linda, Mel, Trina, Bluebird, Monte, and all the rest of you guys.

Comment by joe kelly 3 hours ago

Here's one of our permanent bed with names blocked out.

Comment by joe kelly 3 hours ago

Linda,

We went on that same excursion off a cruise in 2003.  Here is a pic that was taken on the ship when we renewed our vows at a ceremony performed by the Captain.

Comment by Linda Engberg 8 hours ago

Morgan & Joe,

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. You put into words the horror I go through everyday. Going on year 7 without my Husband Julian. He was my whole life and I want to be with him but I can't. If I didn't believe in God I would have taken my own life but I will not take a chance of not joining him in Heaven. So I have accepted that I have to live in this Hell until he is ready for me.  

Comment by Linda Engberg 8 hours ago

Morgan & Joe.

Thanks again for posting your thoughts. You both made comments I can totally agree with. If fact, both of you put my daily agony into words. This year will be the 7th year since I lost my Julian and I feel nothing inside of me except not be with him. Seeing I do believe in God, I will not take my own life as God is in charge of taking it and I fear I won't see Julian if I do it. So I just live out my life in this Hell until it is time.

 

Comment by morgan 17 hours ago

Joe, 49 years is a long time.  Long enough to embed yourself in each other and there is nothing that will soothe the tearing apart of that union.  I knew my husband for 55 (since 2nd grade) and we were together for 35.  Long story.....it was destined to be....but only into eternity will it be long enough for me.  

I am trying to stay so busy that I can make it through Monday and not end up in a heap.  This will be the six year mark.  I remember the one year mark quite vividly.  I was a basket case.  This will not be easy on you.  

I know too well how going into certain stores is a trigger.  Yet for me no matter where I went for about three years I would just break down.  Didn't matter where I was.  The rush of his essence was constantly overwhelming me.  I am blocking it better now.  But the crying has taken a huge toll on my immune system and I can only hope it will result in something that will take me quickly and sooner.  I just turned 67 and I have no desire to live anymore.  That I have made it this long is only a testament to the good health I had before my beloved died.  Too holistic for my own good.

I have shrines all over my house with my husbands pictures.  I spent days in the first year printing and framing them.  I don't have too many so I treasure the ones I have.  We were never big picture takers.  I can feel how he was feeling at the moment each of those pictures was captured though.  Some people think it is not good for me to have them around me and I just laugh at them.  I need to see him even if it is in a frame.

I have moved through many phases in this grieving from utter dismemberment to a place of hatred of life.  I isolate myself as much as possible and try reaching out to a few people I know periodically but I prefer the silence of being alone.  That way I can spend my time listening to videos on the cosmos, and consciousness and things that I can research about energy and what the hell happened to him.  Where is he?  I want to know and I know that is impossible.  So I have to go on the only thing I have.......pure gut feeling.  

Monday will be a shit day no matter how it turns out.  I can never anticipate how any day is going to affect me because on January 11th (the day I brought him home from the hospital) was just horrendous this year.  I lived every moment in my mind like I was living it in 2013.  Took me two days to recover.  I exhaust myself crying and my brain goes to mush.    

I can't even give much advice as to what this is like anymore because it changes from moment to moment,  day to day, year to year.  Its why I say I am so tired.  

Days are groundhog days......you just numb yourself to the landmines that go off after awhile when you finally realize this is your normal.  You  accept that nothing will be better.  As much as it might look good to others, inside we are all broken individuals slogging along anxious to die.  Its just too bad suicide has such a bad rap.  I would much prefer it to the hell I live on a day to day basis........

Comment by joe kelly yesterday

Morgan, Monday will be a very tough day for both of us. It's one year for me which seems like one long day, and six for you, which scares the hell out of me thinking about how long do I have to be here before I go to her. It seems like one long day because every day is the same.

I hate waking up in the morning but know I have to get up and go through the same exact routine every day. Everything I do has to be something that in some way involves her. My distractions have been thinking of different ways to memorialize her. Just last night, I finished my morning coffee/grieving/talking to her table with magnetic white boards, printing out over 60 (of the 600+ pics) I have of her and arranging them in those plastic magnet frames of different sizes on them. I built lighting that hangs over them. This, after I had previously printed out over 50 8x10s and framed them. I packed them away because I haven't the room to place them around without dividing them into different rooms while I only use one room for living in. I'm so grateful that I was always the picture taker and took all those pics of her. Those taken by my children were of her and I, usually with one or two of the grands, or while away, we'd ask someone to take a pic of both of us together. After my coffee/grieving/talking to her time, I get dressed to go to the cemetery and sit there for about an hour. I say to her it's time to visit our permanent bed. I don't care how cold it is out. I just bundle up and bring a chair to our plot and sit there talking to her, my father, and her parents. I always say that I wish I could dig you up and take you home. I don't care what you look like. Believing she's always with me, I say it's time to go home, we'll be back tomorrow. Monday it will be sub zero out so it might be just a few minutes standing at our plot but the plot is visible from where I park the car so will sit there with the heat on. After leaving the cemetery, I'll stop at a store to buy some food sometimes. I won't go into stores we both frequented. I tried a couple but her not being there, the food store is all I can handle. Then it's back home and back to thinking or doing something that in some way involves her. Then evening comes and I put her slide show on and just watch the pics. I eventually get sleepy and go to sleep. Then I wake up and do it all over again.

Monday night, I will be going into NYC for a mass being celebrated for her. Our four children and two of the oldest grands will be there. I have no idea how I will be, but it will be sad, because everyday day is the day she passed for me and envision it will be like her funeral Mass.

Comment by morgan yesterday

Lets be honest. Death sucks. As I read the posts on here and I see how we struggle when we lose someone to death it boggles the mind how any of us keep moving. I keep saying to myself there is something I can do to make myself feel better and it never comes. I function better, I don't feel better. I am not hopeless I am empty. I fill my life with distractions. Meaningless, frivolous distractions or I fake it in front of people and pretend I am better than I am. Then I look at myself and cry because I know what a fraud I am to pretend.
At the time it makes sense because I want to push myself to participate. I've been doing that for what seems an eternity. Pushing myself. And some of the early stress right after my husband died has worn down. But then so have I. I get tired and much of the time I just don't motivate. And yet I look at how much I have done and it is more than most people might do if they weren't coping with the grief of losing their beloved.
I read through some of the letters, notes, messages to myself etc that I have written over the years and alot of it still is the same. Same feelings.
I don't know what to say anymore other than death sucks if you are the person left behind and yet for some reason our mortal bodies haven't aligned with the slot where the universe will take us to rejoin the energy that surrounds us. We call it the universe. The light. And I'm ready.

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