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Comment by KIM Montgomery 15 hours ago

Hello, well I made it through my 1st anniversary without him.  It was a really hard day, Wednesday.  I miss him like crazy and love him so much. Today I just feel numb.  All these stages of grief are exhausting.  Working full time, taking care the house by myself as the kids went to Texas which is a long way from where I live.  I live in the country and the yard is large as Jack was a landscaper by trade and loved working in the yard.  I have thought about moving but just can't yet. I have everything I need out there right now and my dogs love it.  I am currently looking for a landscaper who will help me with the yard.  Today is very strange I am just numb.  I don't feel anything.  I am going to find a therapist that can help me through this.

Comment by Alice Thompson yesterday

Jennifer, I remember when the anger started burning inside me too. It was horrible and ugly and scary, and immensely powerful. I felt afraid to open my mouth in front of others in case I screamed and yelled and told them what I thought of them and the whole ****ty world they thought was so great. I still feel that anger burning, but I have got used to it now as part of my grief, and it doesn't get expressed verbally. One practical solution to the problem that has worked so well for me (but sounds very strange) is the game Tetris. Do you remember those original Game Boys about 20 years ago? Well a psychologist friend told me that game has been found to help people with post-traumatic stress. So I tried it, and it gave me such comfort. I don't really know why, but perhaps because it is a very simple screen with no distractions (I found it didn't work so well as an app on my phone, but only on the actual old fashioned little device, with the clicking buttons), and you have this simple, achievable task which makes you feel in control, and gives you rewards. I found that while playing it, all my anger welled up in my chest and I thought about the people that I was angry with, but didn't feel negative somehow. Psychologically, perhaps, it allows you
to experience the anger and do something with it, but safely and peacefully.

Comment by John T. yesterday

Hello AnneJ and everyone,  In a couple of weeks it will be 3 years since I lost all that mattered to me.  Six months ago I started unpacking and hung some pictures where I live now.  I did it out of embarrassment rather than a desire to make a home.  Every single day since that September afternoon that she died, I have thought about her during the long hours.  I don't cry every day but when something sparks a memory, I do.  That happens more times in a week than I believe.  The pain isn't as sharp and there is no way it possibly could be.  I doubt I could have gone on living with that.  However, it's only in the last 8 or 9 months that it has faded to a dull, vague hurt that's always there, like background noise.  I drank for a while and since that brought me so little relief, I have stopped.  I wish that after all these many months, these years, that I had some insight or new found wisdom to share.  I don't.  This is still as big a mystery as it was 3 years ago, as inexplicable and shocking as ever.  I worry all the time about our two cats and I can't imagine losing them.  This is all a jumble of thoughts.  There is no way I can make sense of anything that has happened.  People around me have wondered why this has been so hard and talk about how free I am to do anything I want.  What would that be?  I can never tell them that all that's important to me is lost and my heart will be forever broken by losing her.  I can't believe it's been 3 years.  3 years since I spoke to her, held her hand, and talked about the things that interested us both.  To have lost the most simple things that now mean more than I can say is awful.  I miss her more than I could ever put into words.  Somehow, I have survived it but I am unsure exactly why.  One more question without an answer.

Comment by Jennifer yesterday

Apparently, I have found the anger that my counselor and everyone else has been saying I was going to feel.  To this point, all I have felt is sad or numb.  Well, the last 2 days I have not been able to stand to see happy families.  My brother's family makes me mad, my in-laws' families make me mad, stranger's families make me mad.  I even got mad in the store today when I saw a generic photo of a happy family.  I didn't know this is what the anger would be.  Everyone kept telling me I would be angry at God or my husband.  They didn't say anything about this.  And it makes me feel horrible that I am feeling this way.

AnneJ, Thank you, I am happy for the responses but also I am glad that I can come here and say exactly what I am feeling or going through and no one tries to "fix" it or tell me what I should do to feel better.  It is nice to hear people say "I understand here's a hug" and they really do understand.

Comment by AnneJ yesterday

Hi, Linda. I feel the same way as you. I feel like you could walk right into my home, sit down, and we wouldn't have to say a word and be completely understood by one another. It's been 3 years and 10 months since my Beloved man died, the man I had been looking for my whole life... it was only by finding you and the others here that I am able to find one moment of kinship with the world. I miss hearing from Tildy and John and Kathleen and so many others, but here we are and all I can do is let the newcomers here know they are not alone and nobody here tells anybody to "go fix yourself".

Jennifer, you are so very welcome here and I hope you come to know that even if everyone is not responding, we read and mourn with you. We are where you are. This is a terrible time; I tell my husband a hundred times a day how much I love him. 

Anyway, Linda. Sending you a real smile. Love from AnneJ.

Comment by Linda Engberg on Wednesday

To all my friends on this web-site.

I want to thanks all of you for being so understanding as we are all in the same boat. The outside world will never understand what we are going through. It's been 4 years and I still am griefing. I see a therapist every week. I keep hoping I can feel better, but she did tell me that their just ins't a pill for this problem.

I feel all we can do is just one day at a time.

Love to you all, Linda 

Comment by Shelley Sawhook on Wednesday

Jennifer,

My kids are adults and my crying distresses them, so I know you don't want to, but it happens and you can't let yourself get upset when it does.  You are a human and have very raw feelings.  If you hide it too much they will think they need to hide it and not show it like you are.  They will feel like they can't express their hurt to you, and they need to be able to do that.  My husband died 8 January and I still forget sometimes that he is gone.  I have called out for him and I talk to him frequently, it happens.  Of course it was a bad day, they all will be until they aren't.  Be kind to yourself.

Comment by Jennifer on Wednesday

I am having such a horrible day.  It has been one month since my husband passed and everything I had to do today kept reminding me he was gone.  Then just a little while ago I forgot for one second and called out to him to ask what he wanted for dinner.  It hit me like a ton of bricks and I couldn't stop crying.  Which in turn upset our kids and that made me cry even harder.  Finally got myself under control but I can tell the smallest thing will set me off again.  Hopefully, it will wait a few hours until the kids are in bed.    

Comment by KIM Montgomery on Tuesday

Susan, my friend at work had it sent to me as well.  I didn't even know it was coming.  I thought the same thing, great she wants me to feel better right now.  Not the case.  It true story about how she came back from the sudden loss of her husband while on vacation.  How to find happiness and not leave the memories behind; how to stay out of the rabbit hole.  Easier said than done of course.  I miss Jack so much. 

Comment by KIM Montgomery on Tuesday

How do all of you do it. Go day by day and continue.  I have a full time job and a house to take care of.  I am without a support system in the area. I have been back to work 9 weeks.  I was doing so much better when I first came back to work.  Now the grief sneaks in and overwhelms me.  I try to stay focused.  I find myself crying all of the time.  This doesn't seem real to me.  Jack is really gone.  I wake up each morning and look at his side of the bed it is empty.  He is not coming back.  The day he passed my heart tore in 2 and the pain is internal.  I am tired of looking like a hot mess at work (figure of speech).  Tomorrow is our 16th wedding anniversary.  I took the day off as I know I won't be much good at work.  I read all of your posts and some of have at least gone through the 1st year of 1st everything how did you do it.  I am going through them now.

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