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Lost My Spouse...

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MY BELOVED WIFE DIED DECEMBER 2ND 156 Replies

Annette was my life. We were married 12 years. No children. Only the two of us. We both suffered from morbid obesity. This led to fluid build up called Edema. We both took care of each other as best…Continue

Started by Richard Rivera. Last reply by Richard Rivera on Tuesday.

Move on? 13 Replies

I get up and go to the store, I see people laughing so freely and going on with their everyday lives. Meanwhile I'm dying inside and always on the edge of crying no matter where I am, I now wear my…Continue

Started by Kevin Bailey. Last reply by Kevin Bailey on Sunday.

Everyone's Time will come 7 Replies

I am trying to understand why people, including my family, change the subject when I mention losing my husband. I am older and most of my friends are too. The time will come when they lose a spouse,…Continue

Started by Maxey. Last reply by Oleta Cato on Saturday.

Who's the one who's selfish 8 Replies

My daughter came home from San Diego where she's stationed inn the Navy. I was talking to her about wanting to be with her Mom who's passed. She automatically got upset because she didn't like me…Continue

Started by Kevin Bailey. Last reply by Louise Mar 16.

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Comment by Linda Engberg on March 16, 2017 at 7:19am

Morgan,

Your post tells my story. Sometimes I wake up in the morning and wonder how much longer I can take his loss. We were everything to one another, the dad he died I went fight along with him.

go out.

Comment by morgan on March 15, 2017 at 10:56pm

Part 2 ---I realize I am sending this message along at the very last moment of a marker day that for only two years hence is still a gigantic day for you.  I can only wish you found a way to get through it with the minimum amount of pain that we all know is bound to bring to the forefront all those feelings of loss.  To be honest I cannot understand why the universe felt it was so necessary to have you lose Joseph at the age of 52.  I cannot understand any of this anymore.  I am so ready to turn the page so I can see the next chapter.  I don’t want to have to question my sanity anymore.  I don’t want to endure the pain anymore.  I don’t want to live without my husband anymore.  I guess we’ll see how long I can last, because now it’s just a test of endurance.

Take care and be as well as you can. And use that energy as judiciously as you can.  Sending stardust……morgan

 

 

Comment by morgan on March 15, 2017 at 10:56pm

Part 1---Oh Trina, I've thought about you so many times and gotten close to a message and then something would intervene.  Reading about your changes and how you have endured the adjustments by admitting the utter unbelievability of how fragile and tenuous any kind of "reconstruction" is given the loss of our beloved spouses, reflects all the same feelings I have.  

Your comment about feeling like a displaced person really strikes a chord.  I've been doing so much to try and reconstruct the shambles of my life after my husband died.  Just today as I stood staring out at the ocean in another place where I had memories but now all I have is me, yes, I felt displaced.  I feel like I have been living in a surreal universe since day one.  Nothing seems real even though everything looks familiar.  I go into a grocery store and it could just as easily be in any town for the lack of connection I have to anything and any place.  People's faces look the same and I have no relationship to any of it.  I could just as easily be living on Mars, it’s just that it looks like earth.

Last night on my flight I wrote something l didn't want to forget in the exact order that it came to me.  It was this: " I refuse to accept the fact I am supposed to try and continue to live this life without my husband."  It seems no matter what I've done, or told myself all along the way this is the constant.  I have learned better how to repress my crying and feelings around the people who I know are not going to get this fact.  So I pull my mask tighter at times in order to survive the assaults on my psyche from others. Part of that arsenal of protection is pulling away from people in general so I don't have to explain.  But I’m tired of having to explain why I am still in the shape I am.  And by now most people think I should be over it and they only want me around as long as I am not in a funk. 

The other part I am asking myself in a more real way is “why do I keep trying?”  Because that is all I have been doing, trying.  But nothing works to change the situation so I can accept it any easier.  My husband is dead.  There is no changing that.  So, why keep trying?

This afternoon I sat alone once again at a place where memories where raw even though I haven’t been here for awhile and there were songs on the radio that brought me to tears.  Then I took a walk and once again it would have been a walk we would have done together.  There I was walking alone.  And the tears came once again. Why should I keep trying?

 I guess I keep thinking that if I keep trying something is going to change but I am coming more and more around to understanding the one thing that I need to change will not.  So I am destined to have to live like this because there is no bringing him back.  I am tying up some loose things to get my affairs in order and I think I am going to give it to the end of this year to see how I feel.

Comment by Linda Engberg on March 15, 2017 at 3:01pm

Trina,

Beautiful Pictures. Yesterday would have our 36th Anniversary. 

Comment by Mary on March 15, 2017 at 2:40pm
Beautiful photos Trina. Hugs to you ❤
Comment by Fran on March 15, 2017 at 12:07pm

Trina, like you I've been on this site for over 2 years. I've cried with the raw honesty and emotion I've read here. That you found the strength to move gives me hope and also shows me how much of a wuss I've been. It took me over a year just to redo our bedroom...I can't imagine moving away from our home for over 25 years. Bless your courage! I hope you find new friends and support system to ease your path.

Comment by Louise on March 15, 2017 at 11:05am
Beautiful pics xx
Comment by bluebird on March 15, 2017 at 10:31am

{{{{{{{{{{{Trina}}}}}}}}}}

Comment by Trina Mamoon on March 15, 2017 at 1:44am

Comment by Trina Mamoon on March 15, 2017 at 1:43am

 

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