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Comment by Linda Engberg on September 13, 2018 at 3:03pm

Hi Joe,

I would have ended my life the day my Husband took his last breath, but the fear of not seeing him again because of my religious upbringing stops me and to this day I pray to God I don't wake up.

Comment by morgan on September 13, 2018 at 12:37pm

Mel,  Too messy. Use it to get your anger out for target shooting but don't leave a mess behind.  I know exactly how you feel.....  We've shared it a million times on here BUT this has to be clean.  

I got some glimmer of explanation from Joe's last post (and thank you Joe).  He said "If we house our spirit and destroy that house, what happens to the spirit?"  He's got a good point.  What if?  What happens?  We have no idea but if we screw it up then what?  And because we cant risk not being reunited then we are sentenced to having to endure the pain of carrying grief.  Linda too in her posting says alot in her clip art.  The last one was poignant.  "the only cure for grief is to grieve."  As horrible as it is , it is the price we pay for loving so much.

No relief necessarily by saying it, but we are all here for something that we cannot understand.  We have found that little string, that tiny thread of what you yourself called hope here in the wave son cyberspace.  I mean what the heck is that!  And yet here we are, caring and talking to each other over the waves of the universe.  .. We need each other to keep honoring the love we had even as we suffer and wish otherwise.  

I love all of you too.......You have been the light that has given me a way to walk through the dark cavern of my mind when the going has gotten way too tough.  Thank you all a million times over.......

Comment by Mel Royer on September 13, 2018 at 11:07am

Since Nancy has passed on, Everyone has always told me, "get out of that house".  Actually, the last thing I wanted to ever do...but at last, I turned the corner and accepted an offer on the house I spent 26 years living in with Nancy. The feeling of separation is palpable. My "Let me die" mode is locked on.   I've always wanted a Sig 2022 in 40 caliber and I just might go buy one.  I am simply too tired to do this any longer.  I love you guys...each and every one of you.  The authors of what little hope I've ever had. 

Comment by joe kelly on September 13, 2018 at 9:20am

Should had read

That takes care of any situation while I'm AWAY FROM home and something happens. If I'm home, no problem, nobody gets called.

Comment by joe kelly on September 13, 2018 at 9:16am

Dear Morgan,

I too so much want to die and be reunited with my love. I pray each night that God has mercy on me and takes me to her; that I don't wake up. Each morning I wake up to the nightmare that she's not here. Every day is groundhog's day for me. I go to the cemetery every day, I come home, try to do something and sometimes I get a little something done and sometimes not. I have four children and eight grandchildren. They are supportive. They know I want to die and why. They understand and had told me that if I did it, they wouldn't blame me. I have the means to painlessly go to sleep and not wake up. Why I'm not is because I won't take the chance that if I do, I won't be reunited with her. If we house our spirit and destroy that house, what happens to the spirit? I don't know. If I knew that It would be reunited with her no matter how I died, I'd be gone already.

I had back an experience in 1982. I've told very few about this but I'll tell it here is case it gives hope to my fellow sufferers. I was hit by a truck and had an OBE. Being a skeptic by nature, I for years, tried to poke holes in it but I KNOW it happened and that is the foundation of my hope for reunification with my wife. I won't go into every detail but I remember it as though it happened a minute ago. I felt no pain; had a blissful feeling like I could stay there forever; looked down on myself lying in the street. Saw things that my body position would had made it impossible to see. Suddenly, a flash about my pregnant wife came to me. I thought to myself, "no, I can't go yet" and dove back into my body. I believe my wife had that experience but her body couldn't take her back while mine was. Hers was eaten away by cancer.

Another, less important reason for me not to do it is that the pain I would cause my children and grandchildren. There's sort of a stigmatism attached to the family when one takes their own life that adds to the pain of the loss.

I'm a smoker and have smoked all my life. I'm 68 years old and not in the best of health, so it's only a matter of time before something kills me. My doctor knows my wishes. He knows I won't treat any cancer, that I don't want to survive any kind of a stroke, that I want a natural death without medical intervention. I have a DNR order and a living will. One of my daughters is my health care agent who will enforce my living will. Actually, the way it is written, my lawyer says if I'm ever brought to the hospital unconscious, they wouldn't touch me. My doctor, after reading the will said this makes it easy. It takes all decision making away from family. I wear a DNR bracelet and dog tags with all info. I carry all docs with me in a second wallet and stated on the tags to give to ER MD. I have it in my doctors and local hospital records. That takes care of any situation while I'm home and something happens. If I'm home, no problem, nobody gets called.

I'm sort of trapped into this world as are you. Yes, I have family which makes your situation more difficult, but our pain is not so different. You've suffered longer than I and I hope not to suffer that long. I've lost 35 pounds in the last 6 months and hope it's undiagnosed cancer. My wife gave her life to and for me and I want to do the same. I will accept the suffering rather than take the slightest chance of not being with her when I go. Whatever you decide to do, my hopes are with you.

Love, Joe

Comment by Linda Engberg on September 13, 2018 at 6:40am

Hi Morgan,

My only support going through the most horrible thing that ever happened to me is this forum.

We all understand and I mean really understand how will our suffering knowing we will never be normal again.

I too have decided that when I lose my precious Babie J, I am through attaching myself to anything or anyone, it hurts to bad.

God Bless everyone on this forum for sharing their thoughts. 

 

Comment by morgan on September 12, 2018 at 6:24pm

Its pretty obvious I'm not sick or crazy because if I am those who responded in kind are too.  Its why I come here and unload because I know that I am going to hear from others with the exact same characteristics of carrying our grief through time and it mimics each others.  

Whats obvious is that we have found our lives to be so far from real but then its too real.  Death defines our new vision of life.  The contradictions.  The conflicts. The constant asking why? and not getting any resolution other than we know our love is gone. Forever.  We will never see, hear or hold them again here on this earth.  So why am I staying?  I have no children.  My kitty died 2 years after my husband and I cannot attach myself to anything or anyone else because I cannot stand the hurt, any loss or magnified separation.

Monty,  the world will be fine without me.  I appreciate the sentiment but life goes on as we well know and no one really will miss me like I miss him. 

Alice, knew you would feel the same.  I thought it particularly relevant when you wrote "so I’m in a kind of white mist, and being stabbed with long knives at random moments"  Thats a good analogy.  Mine are still happening daily sometimes more than once......I am tired.

Thanks bluebird......I know you feel the pain.

Nancy, I'm keeping busy too.  Six house remodels in five and half years.  I do alot of the construction.My thoughts are still in disbelief mode too.  How can he be gone?  And where is he?  Have the anger now more than I had, and I've avoided people and crowds when I used to be extroverted.  I've done lots of talking and it helps but not enough.  Nothing is enough and I am just losing all energy.  Definitely the worst thing in my lifetime and I thought I had some other troubles but this is overwhelming.  And thanks,  I know I am amongst kindred souls.

Linda, I already feel the pain you are going to have to withstand when Babie J is no longer with you.  It was excrutiating when I lost our kitty. Its why I cant put my attachment towards anything personal.  I try to care for others animals on a periodic basis but I am no longer able to place myself in that kind of position.  No more loss......

Thanks to each of you for the mental support.  It does help to know tha my feelings are replicated out there......In one way its good to know others had this kind of commitment and love for their beloved.  It is the most important thing one can have and yes, we had it......take care..... 

Comment by Linda Engberg on September 12, 2018 at 7:08am

Hi Morgan,

My grief mirrors yours. Every morning I wake up and hate it that I didn't die in my sleep. The only thing that really keeps me going is my sweet dog Babie J, she is slowly nearing the end of her life and I am having to watch her fail just like I did my Husband. I really hate this life. 

Comment by Nancy on September 12, 2018 at 6:23am

Morgan. I too feel your pain.  I keep very busy to avoid the thoughts that overcome me.  When they do it is unbearable and I'm in disbelief that he is gone.  So I get busy again.  It's the only way I'm able to survive after 43 years of marriage and all I've known since I was 20.  My kids are in pain too.  I keep going for them.  But I am not the same for sure  I have a lot of anger now and a short fuse with people.  Don't like crowds or seeing happy couples or hearing about something fun a couple has done or is going to do.  Talking about it helps.  Anything to not have it be my main focus everyday.  I read something about grief maybe on here.  It said your grief doesn't get smaller but rather other things in your mind get bigger around your grief so you always have it but those other distractions allow you to go on.  I hope you talk to someone regularly even if it's on here to see if you can get some relief even if it's just a little each day.  At least that is what I'm trying.  It is by far the worst thing I have ever dealt with and more painful than I could've ever imagined.  Bless you and know you are definitely not alone.

Comment by Alice Thompson on September 12, 2018 at 12:57am

Thinking of you, Morgan. Yes, it is a hard, cruel place to be — stuck on this plane after your love has gone. I am forgetting my beautiful other half more and more. I thought I would go with him, but it turns out I didn’t, and I probably have decades to remain here. I can’t have him back, I know that now. But I have nothing in his place, so I’m in a kind of white mist, and being stabbed with long knives at random moments. In this terrible place I want to be a beacon of love, even though I might be condemned as crazy.

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