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Lost My Spouse...

Members: 318
Latest Activity: 22 hours ago

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Total numbness 6 Replies

It is nearing 2 years since I lost my husband, and I have one week where I think things might be getting better, then the next week I crash into darkness again.I keep thinking something must really…Continue

Started by Maxey. Last reply by Linda Engberg Sep 13.

Another Long Weekend Alone 7 Replies

This weekend will be the fifth Labor Day I have not been able to celebrate with my Husband, thanks to the devil's disease cancer. As far as I am concerned one day is the same as next, just waiting to…Continue

Started by Linda Engberg. Last reply by Linda Engberg Sep 9.

Moved, but nothing changes 5 Replies

I moved from the beautiful Northwest to Austin, TX to be closer to my family, but nothing seems to change. My sadness and loneliness seem to follow me wherever I go. I thought maybe a change in…Continue

Started by Maxey. Last reply by irina s Sep 8.

They don't understand. 3 Replies

How do you deal with well meaning family/friends who just don't understand what you're going through? 2 of my sisters-in-law still have their husbands.  One does not have a good marriage, she talks…Continue

Started by Jennifer. Last reply by Helen Maez Sep 3.

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Comment by Linda Engberg 22 hours ago

Morgan,

I feel the same as you it has been 4 years 3 months my wonderful husband died. I wish God would just take me. All I am is a zombie walking around in this hell.

Linda

  

Comment by Trina Mamoon yesterday

"All I want, like most of the rest of you, is to reunite with my husband.  I want to know he is ok.  I want to hold him again.  I want his love.  The sooner the better." Morgan's words, simple yet so profound, fully and completely describes the emotions, feelings, thoughts and prayers of so many of us on this site. After a little over three years after the loss of my darling husband Joseph, not a day goes by when the first thought in the morning is not "How much longer? How much longer before I will be reunited with Joseph?" Then I start my day (which is very late) and trudge through the day aimlessly, do this, do that, nothing, nothing fulfills me. It's just going through the motions; since I am alive, I eat, I pay the bills, I watch TV, I sometimes go out, and when doing all this I am filled with the consciousness of the purposelessness of it all. All this is so futile and meaningless! And yes, life sucks, big time. None of us deserve this hell on earth. We have not done anything to be living in this hell, and indefinitely. Oh, how long, how long before it all ends? All of you here. morgan, Bluebird, Nancy, Paul, Alice, and Lost without Him, please take comfort in the thought that sooner or later, our time WILL COME. The question is WHEN? Hang in there, all of you kindred spirits! Sending you love and hugs, Trina

Comment by morgan yesterday

Bluebird,  I find myself wanting to kick over tables or throw something hard at times and yet my old catholic upbringing kicks in and disallows me to act out but I get the same feelings.  In the beginning I used to kick a cardboard box a lot.  It helped.

What I find so unreal is that we all seem to have the same kinds of reactions and we all try to cope with the feelings but there also seems to be no end in sight to the constant reoccurrence of the pain we endure when our thoughts move to how much we miss our beloved.  

I have been able to suppress my emotions a bit better as time passes and I am able to interact a little bit better on a daily basis when i go buy groceries or have to talk with someone I don't know but in general I stay clear of everything and everyone and hope everyday that my body will give out soon.  It seems to be the only way that this void will disappear.  

I admit coming up on five years in a couple months I can function outside of my bed (which most often is where I prefer to stay) but having to figure out how to make a living at my age as well as with my inability to focus I am forcing myself constantly to perform.   For years I couldn't do anything.  Now I can at least walk around and get things done but only because I have to, not because I want to.

All I want, like most of the rest of you, is to reunite with my husband.  I want to know he is ok.  I want to hold him again.  I want his love.  The sooner the better.

Comment by Nancy yesterday
I'm the same way bluebird
Comment by bluebird yesterday

And along with being incredibly sad all the time, I am also very angry, all the time.  Right now I want to jump out of my fucking skin, I want to punch everything, I want to yell and scream. I can't even contain this level of anger; it's overwhelming.  Between the sadness and the anger, there's nothing left of me.

Comment by bluebird yesterday

Absolutely, Paul.  We do not deserve to live in this hell.

Comment by Paul yesterday
bluebird,
As bad as I feel now, I do not look forward to the holidays as this will be the first holiday season without my beloved wife. We also met on a New Year's Eve and I am really dreading that day. I can't see myself lasting years on end in this state of mind. Life DOES fucking suck and you, I and the others on this board are living in a hell that we didn't want and certainly didn't deserve.
Comment by bluebird yesterday

Same here; I feel just like morgan and everyone else. My husband died five years ago, and my "life" is no better -- in many ways, it is worse, both as a result of his death and due to other factors.  For me, the pain of his death, of him not being here with me, of us not being together as we should be, never lessens.  I am a bit more numb than I used to be, but the agony of not having my beloved with me never goes away, and some days it rears itself up and pierces right through me. It's like this -- I am always in pain, always depressed, always wish I were dead, but some days are even worse than others.

Our 5th wedding anniversary was in September (we never got to celebrate even one), then his birthday later that same month.  Now of course the holidays are coming up -- I no longer believe there is a god, and I don't celebrate anything anymore, but I do still spend Christmas with my family, and the sense of emptiness, of him not being beside me, is cavernous.  Then of course there's New Year's Eve, which was always our anniversary (of when we became a couple), which I always spend alone at home, either crying or knocked out via sleeping pill.

Life just fucking sucks, that's all there is to it, for me. My parents and sister love me dearly, and I love them (my brother-in-law and I also love each other -- I really consider him my brother), but that isn't enough, and it never will be.

Comment by Paul yesterday
This seems to be an especially hard time for a lot of us lately. I feel exactly the same way as the previous 4 posters.
Comment by Alice Thompson yesterday
This is just so hard. Going around everyday with this thing you can’t bear, but you have to bear it. There’s no way around it, and no one can bear it for you, even for a little while.
 

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Louise joined Desiree's group
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When will the ache subside?

A group for people who have lost loved ones with prolonged suffering. For those of us who have seen that the end is coming, and had to watch the ones we love creep toward it.
20 hours ago
Louise replied to Ashley Lounsbury's discussion I lost my daddy to suicide.
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20 hours ago
Louise posted a blog post

Does Counselling Really Help?

I’ve not been on here for a while, it’s been so hard just trying to get through the days; keeping myself busy, trying desperately hard not to think about things and often failing miserably. I’m so tired of feeling so shitty all the time. I had my first session with a counsellor today, after feeling initially nervous and not wanting to say much everything came out and I cried like a baby. I feel absolutely drained now and very emotional. So my question is this, does counselling really help or…See More
20 hours ago
Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Morgan, I feel the same as you it has been 4 years 3 months my wonderful husband died. I wish God would just take me. All I am is a zombie walking around in this hell. Linda   "
22 hours ago
Trina Mamoon commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
""All I want, like most of the rest of you, is to reunite with my husband.  I want to know he is ok.  I want to hold him again.  I want his love.  The sooner the better." Morgan's words, simple yet so profound,…"
yesterday
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Bluebird,  I find myself wanting to kick over tables or throw something hard at times and yet my old catholic upbringing kicks in and disallows me to act out but I get the same feelings.  In the beginning I used to kick a cardboard box a…"
yesterday
morgan replied to Ashley Lounsbury's discussion I lost my daddy to suicide.
"I really don't know what to say Ashley.  I'm so sorry.  There is some kind of weirdness in this universe that seems to have its way with us when we are not at all prepared for how to handle it.  Death by any means is hard to…"
yesterday
Ashley Lounsbury posted a discussion

I lost my daddy to suicide.

My daddy was a us navy veteran who brutually killed himself on September 27, 2017 at the age of 51.My Daddy had become really emotionally sick in recent years. He was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia. Which of course he didn't believe because he thought that was the Va trying to control him. He became really hard to be around as he has these crazy conspiracy theories and he heard and saw things that didn't exist that proved to him he was right. Then he started believing people were out to…See More
yesterday
Nancy commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"I'm the same way bluebird"
yesterday
bluebird commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"And along with being incredibly sad all the time, I am also very angry, all the time.  Right now I want to jump out of my fucking skin, I want to punch everything, I want to yell and scream. I can't even contain this level of anger;…"
yesterday
bluebird commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Absolutely, Paul.  We do not deserve to live in this hell."
yesterday
Paul commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"bluebird, As bad as I feel now, I do not look forward to the holidays as this will be the first holiday season without my beloved wife. We also met on a New Year's Eve and I am really dreading that day. I can't see myself lasting years on…"
yesterday
bluebird commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Same here; I feel just like morgan and everyone else. My husband died five years ago, and my "life" is no better -- in many ways, it is worse, both as a result of his death and due to other factors.  For me, the pain of his death, of…"
yesterday
Paul commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"This seems to be an especially hard time for a lot of us lately. I feel exactly the same way as the previous 4 posters."
yesterday
Marine Marietta posted a group
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Elderley Abuse Mum died

I lost my mum in September. She was subject to elderly abuse by my older sister. I dont know where to start from. The anger and rage I have for my elder sister, its not funny. I try to get the vision out of my head, and how she treated my mother. The pain is excruciating that i feel, I need to join my mother. I spent a week in the crises centre. I hope this grief and anger passes.Question: how do I accept or come to terms with the matter.I do have evidence supported by my other siblings. The…See More
yesterday
Mel Royer posted a blog post

Letter to My Nancy #602 one of my daily letters to my lady

I began writing one of these each day, beginning December 2015 to ease my grief and start each day with some hope and joy. The hope and joy would last for awhile and then I would be back in the throes of deep, dark misery. I recommend these emails that are never sent as excellent therapy. I have written 602 of them in the 2 and  a half years since I lost my Nancy. Here is today's letter to Nancy. Letter to My Nancy  602   Sun., Oct 15th, 2017   without youGood Sun afternoon my other half. My…See More
yesterday

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