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Comment by Melissa Malone on June 15, 2017 at 4:23am

6 weeks ago I found my husband dead. We had a wonderful day Saturday celebrating our granddaughters birthday. I was supposed to go first. I just had 2 hospital stays in ICU on a ventilator. He loved me convincingly

And spoiled me rotten. I've had to find stuff because it was not all together. He ran the errands and paid the bills and it scares me to be with out him. I am bipolar and he dealt with that. I'm so lost without him miss talking to him, well I still do. I miss his warped sense of humor

My family is smothering me. I just want to be left alone. I don't want to be here without him. I'm not suicidal,I just can't imagine a life without him. My heart and soul are ripped to pieces.

I'm sorry for y'all losses too. Thanks for letting me vent

Comment by rachel_micele on June 14, 2017 at 9:33am

Alice - I guess for me the reason I cry is pretty simple. I'm so damn sad, hurt, and I miss him so fucking much. In a public place i may hold back but otherwise i don't for a moment. I let the tears fall all the way down my checks. I don't wipe them away. It would feel to me I'm wiping the pain away, wiping him away. And I will forever keep him as close to me as I possibly can.

Tina - thank you sharing your latest thoughts with your cousin's passing.

Morgan - I am so, so very sorry. We are in a pure hell, that's all there is to it.

Comment by Linda Engberg on June 14, 2017 at 7:22am

Morgan,

My thoughts are exactly like yours, each day is miserable without My Husband. My life is worth nothing without him.

Comment by Trina Mamoon on June 13, 2017 at 5:34pm

Dear morgan,

I am so sorry that the days and years are not getting any easier and that you find yourself in the same spot as four years ago. I agree with Alice that no matter how many bucketful of tears we shed, how much we scream or how fervently we pray, it won't make a difference. 

On August 4th it will be three years since my wonderful husband Joseph left this world, and to this day, everyday my thought and my fervent prayer is to be taken up, to be freed, to be allowed to reunite with Joseph. Until February of this year, like morgan I, too, had been harming my body in the thoughts that this abuse will kill me in the next few years, but a tragedy struck and I understood something perhaps that I had known all along--that I cannot hasten my death unless I actually kill myself, and I will never do that, take my own life. 

My 38-year-old cousin died suddenly of brain tumor. He was admitted to hospital, diagnosed with cancer and died 12 days after being admitted. When this young man who seemed to be in good health, very much wanted to live, grow old (his parents are still alive in their 80s and 90s) died so suddenly, it reaffirmed for me that there is no rhyme or reason to any of this. At that point I knew that all my prayers for my own death will not be heard, it will happen when it will happen. Also, my abusing my body might very well mean that I will still live to be 80 or 90, but that I will be a very sickly old woman, maybe decrepit, blind and paralyzed, but living. This is the terrible truth about this cruel and indifferent universe that we inhabit, this could be what happens. My cousin's passing brought all this home to me, something I had known all along but didn't want to acknowledge. 

I know several people who are in their in 80s even though they have all kinds of diseases and are very unhealthy, but they just limp along. What guarantee do I have that the abuse I was doing to my own body will kill me in a year or two? Maybe it not kill me anytime soon, but will only make my life a living hell in physical terms too. Now I suffer emotionally and mentally, but mercifully, I am in relatively good health. My cousin's  senseless death gave me a different perspective. And that's why I am no longer abusing my body. I don't exercise or eat healthy food as before, but neither do I starve myself and harm my body. So this is where I am. I still still pray everyday for my early death in the off chance that it might be heard. Actually, it's not true, I pray because it brings me peace to pray, not because I really believe that my prayers for my death will be answered. I will mourn Joseph to the end of my days. He was the most wonderful man/person I knew. He was the reason for my life. (I suppose the reason we members are here on this site grieving and mourning years after the death of our spouse is because they were so wonderful, so precious, and they gave meaning to our life, without them life is pointless and empty.)  

I try to console myself by saying that I do not know for sure how long I have left on this miserable earth. It is as possible that I will die in a year or two as that I will die twenty years later. I just don't know. None of us do. Sorry for rambling on like this, but I wanted to share my thoughts with you here. Sometimes it helps to commiserate.

Sending you all good thoughts and vibes of peace. 

Comment by Alice Thompson on June 13, 2017 at 4:31pm

It is unbearable, and yet we have to bear it. Some days, like today, I find myself on the verge of tears again and again, but most times holding back, because... what's the point? Nobody hears my crying, no one wants to, and it makes no difference. It doesn't bring him back, and if I'm honest, I think that's why I cry. So someone will hear, so he will hear or God will hear, and feel so sorry for me that he'll come back or God will send him back. Because after two and a half years, that's still all I want -- to be with him
again, and I mean physically. But it's not going to happen. I know that. So I'm just left with this painful longing. And I try to distract myself, to build a new life, leave people behind, and it works as well as it can work. It's just that there's a limit. My love was the most incredibly wonderful man I have ever known and no one alive comes close.

Comment by morgan on June 13, 2017 at 1:09pm

I don't know how much longer the universe has planned for me to live on this roller coaster of grief but I can tell you I am damn sick and tired of it.  

After four years I have torrents of debilitating grief and then I can function for hours being numb to anything that resembled my former life.  

When I talk to people who knew of me and my husband in my past life I can so easily slip into my hole.  It's like the missing piece as I converse with them is so prominent in my brain I simply cannot block the crying.  Then I rebuild myself when I talk to people who did not know me before and I pretend that I can function in their world.  But even then I want to scream at the world how I hate them and this fake damn life they are making me live.

I continually do what I can to beat myself up by eating as badly as my digestion will allow it, physically exerting myself to exhaustion and making sure I do nothing that will keep me healthy.  Nothing is bringing me to the place I want to be.  Dead.

I have tried for so long to make this be a life.  It isn't.  I cant do it without my husband.  He was life.  He was my life.  I only want to be with him.  The rest of this is useless. God, please allow me to die.  

Comment by John T. on June 11, 2017 at 9:57pm

KIM, it's 2 years and 6 months or so since I lost my wife and in the last couple of weeks I've been finally tearing open boxes and trying to put things away where I live now.  It's taken all that time to even begin to look at the things in those boxes without crying.  I still avoid the Christmas boxes and am caught off guard when not prepared for some of the things I packed unlabeled.  I am exhausted physically by the slightest bit of all this and emotionally wrecked.  I'm determined to start keeping my living space clean again but it seems so overwhelming to do things that were once routine.  This is all so much to deal with but it does seem to distract me.  It took a long time to even get to this point.  I just swept up a pile of cat fur today that made a dust bunny so big it actually frightened our two cats.  It's been a long while since I did any cleaning and the cats were upset by the unfamiliar activity.  I hope I can keep going and get things together here, including myself.

Comment by KIM Montgomery on June 11, 2017 at 9:45pm

Tomorrow I go back to work full time in the office.  I have been trying to work at home full time.  I am finding that by the end of the day at home I am so exhausted. Do others find the same issue that even though we are focused on something else like work, that the grief sneaks in and also consumes us and makes our mind just as tired.  It just seems I can't go as many hours a day as I use to.  I could get up at 5 or 6 am and sit and have a cup of coffee, then off to work.  Come home around 3 or 4 and could still have the energy to walk 4 to 6 miles, visit with my husband.  Now all I want to do is get some work done, get through the day and try to get all of the other obligations done, now.  My husband was a wonderful house keeper since he was home.  He was on disability so he do the house chores, laundry, cooking and he did it with love so we could spend time together at night.  I am so tired now I just barely get some of it done.  Does anyone find having this issue.  I feel like I missing something.  Please tell me the emotional grief is part of the drain since I think about even when I am working. 

Comment by Mary on June 5, 2017 at 8:38pm

Kim and Elvynn, your hubbies sound like my wonderful husband. He had the special way with people and doing things. I've missed him every moment of every day since April 26, 2016. The outside yard he'd do such a good job. This year I've been out there getting it all nice with him in mind. He's giving me the strength. Life is so empty without my NEIL. Gone too soon and so unexpectedly.

Comment by Elynn m on June 5, 2017 at 7:06pm

KIM,

     I'm sorry to hear about your liss.   My husband was on disability for a good part of our 40 years together....and I worked also.  I have no regrets..only wish that he were still here.   Joe was the backbone of our home.  He had wisdom that I could only dream of  having.  I miss joe's personal touch too. He always knew what to say, and what to do,  in our best interest .

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