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Comment by Cynthia Horacek on August 10, 2011 at 11:21am

Jackie - I had wanted to list my house a few months ago, and talked to the agent (who thankfully is also a friend and very understanding) but when I came home, I looked at the walls and if as if they talked to me and said "it's not time..." so I called her and told her I wasn't ready, and she understood.  This time, when I decided to list it, it felt right, and it still does.  Giving away his clothes also felt like the right time.  As I was folding them and putting  them in bags, I talked to him and said "they're just things; they aren't you, and I will always love you" and I know if he were here, he would have agreed, but then I can also hear him saying "yeah, but they're MY things!" and laughing because he would have been making a joke.  I will eventually have a garage sale, but it doesn't feel right to sell Don's things.  He wouldn't have wanted that; he would have wanted them donated.  

Jackie, our anniversary was also on a "10th" but in February.  He died Nov. 12; some days we never forget, and yes, it is hard year round.  There is always something.  We met on October 6th; I always had to ask him "what was the date we met?" because for some reason, I could never remember. But there will always be some date that was special; we decided to get married the Sunday after Thanksgiving that year, and were married Feb. 10 in 1979.  That was 4 months from the day we met.  And we made it almost 32 years.  So I hold that in my memory, and I hold him in my heart.  And yes, it does get easier.  When my Don died, my neighbor's dad, who had lost his wife about 2 years before said to me, "It doesn't get any easier." (not a good thing to say to someone who just lost the  love of their life!)  He still has her clothes and everything else - he hasn't changed anything.  It's been a while now; but I say, it does get easier.  If you let yourself have your feelings, and you express them anyway it works for you, and you work though the grief, it does get easier.  If you stuff those feelings down because it hurts too much, where are they going to go?  They're going to stay with you, and you won't be able to get through it.  Grief is a process; it's hard, it hurts and it sucks, but it's there.  Sometimes it is so in you face there's nothing you can do to escape it, and you just have to yell and scream and sob at it - you have to work at it sometimes but it does get better.  You have to trust and believe and ask yourself what would your loved one have wanted for you after they were gone?  To drown in sorrow and be paralyzed with grief and pain, or to work through it and move on?  I know this may sound harsh to some of you, but it's the only way that I know; it may not be the right way for everyone.  I just know what works for me.  And a good therapist, friend, support group - another person to bear witness to your grief really does help.  Well, I'm really full of words this morning, aren't I?  Thanks for listening.

Comment by Jackie on August 10, 2011 at 9:34am

Funny how we are all going through the same feelings and considering the same life changes. I have rearranged my house as much as I can to make it seem different. I have thought about selling, but it's to soon and not the right time. I also try to get away when a special time arrives. You just made
Me realize that it will be 9 months on our anniversary also, Nov 10. Hadn't occurred to me. This is a hard year all around. Thanks for responding you make me feel better and not alone in this.

Comment by Jeanne Potter on August 9, 2011 at 10:08pm

Jackie, I had my six month in June and it fell on our wedding anniversary as well so I really know how you feel. I have been somewhat better since that milestone. Sept 4th is the anniversary of the night we met and I am leaving on a jet plane for Lake Tahoe with my sister and sister in law to have a little get away from grief time. I know he would want me to go, so I won't feel guilty that I am having a little fun. It still seems so unreal. I am actually rethinking selling my house now. It just doesn't seem to matter as much and my sister has decided to stay in this state and we will continue to live together, so I am not so alone. I am also fortunate to have my son and his family nearby. I guess time will be the healer for us all. To us!

Comment by Cynthia Horacek on August 9, 2011 at 9:46pm

Jackie -

Of course you are feeling sad.  I still feel sad even when it's not an anniversary or any special date - but yeah, those special dates are harder.  I know what you mean, too, about having to make the effort to find someone to "do things" with; just the other night I was sitting here thinking about how that space on the other end of the sofa is empty and where he used to sit, and how lonely it is now.  I've been doing very well - it will be 9 months on the 12th, which is just a few days away; sometimes I feel like if I'm feeling "better",  am I betraying him?  Although I know I'm not; I know he wanted me to move on and not be sad all the time.  He said to me, "I know you'll be okay because you're a strong woman, and you're a survivor...."  Not really what I wanted to hear.  I didn't want to be strong, and I didn't want to survive without him.  Saturday I packed up his clothes and gave them to Goodwill; except for some things that are special to me or my daughters; I wear his flannel shirts; I wear his bathrobe; I know my daughter's will want some of his sweatshirts, and they both asked me to keep his ties (that one I don't really get... he rarely wore a tie anymore, even at work...) but I want to make quilts for the girls from them.  Anyway, it's hard.  Sometimes it's harder, and then there are days where it's easier.  I put the house up for sale, because it's time.  It's too big for just me, and it's too costly.  And I want to relocate somewhere less urban and more in the country.  But that's a whole other kettle of fish... Anyway, I really just wanted to chime in and let you know, I understand.  It's hard.

Comment by Jackie on August 9, 2011 at 9:06pm

My husband died 6 months ago tomorrow. I'm already feeling sad. I've been doing better the last month God has been helping me. I hope I don't get on a downward Trend. I am going to go to work, find someone to go out lunch with then find someone to out to dinner with. I used to have someone to do everything with, we had so much fun together, now everything is an effort - even going out to dinner. I miss him.

Comment by Barbra Ingrassia Fairman on August 4, 2011 at 4:30pm

The sad thing is we all want it to get better, or easier and .....The other part of this is we don't want it to get better because we don't want to forget our loved ones. If we smile or laugh and move away from the pain a little,we realize this is what life is. This is now our reality and we have to live with it.Our new reality has pain in it, everyday,every second, it never leaves. The hole in our hearts travel with us whereever we go.So is feeling the pain our way of holding on to the ones we love, because none of us want to forget. I'm just feeling philosophical today.

Comment by Cynthia Horacek on August 3, 2011 at 8:29pm

Dear Anne - You asked is it ever going to get easier?  I wish I could answer that question for you, but it's so hard.  Men seem to have a harder time recovering from loss of a spouse or partner; they are more likely to remarry if they had a good marriage, while women are more likely to stay single when widowed after a good marriage.  Who knows.  My neighbors mom died a few years ago, and after Don died, her father told me "it doesn't get any easier."  But I have to admit, for me it is getting easier.  Easier to accept, and easier to cope.  But that's me; I've made a point of going to therapy each week since before Don died.  There were many times I couldn't make it because of his being in the hospital or something, but that happens.  My therapist has been one of my rocks.  The others have been my family and my friends who allowed me to let it out, who left me alone when I needed to be alone, and didn't when I thought I did, but actually needed company.  And my daughters, who have been so amazingly grownup (well, they are grownup!) but didn't put it all on me to take care of them, and also understood that I'm the mom, and I don't want them taking care of me, but were still there for me when I needed to just break down.  Sometimes I feel guilty for feeling like I'm moving on; but I know this is what Don wanted for me - to survive and be strong and move on.  And I swear he's here most of the time, watching over me and letting me know it's okay.  Thanks

Comment by michael sandoval on August 3, 2011 at 8:01pm

It will be two years in Sept and for me it hasn't really gotten any easier. Anti depressants help with the constant sobbing but the saddness, lonliness, heartbreak is still very fresh.

Comment by Arielle on August 3, 2011 at 7:32pm

I feel so sad reading what everyone is going through, so much suffering. It's so hard. And there are no answers to all these questions, why did this happen to my family, how can life possibly go on? I still ask myself these questions sometimes. I can't help it. But one thing i know is that there will never be adequate answers. I try to let myself feel whatever it is I'm feeling, sad, angry, guilty. Things really fell apart when I wasn't letting myself experience these feelings. I spent a lot of time alone in the first few months after my brother passed. Not an east task when you have a very busy two year old to attend to and are constantly running into friends in the neighborhood. I was vert honest. And when I felt more able to be around people my friends were there with open arms (most of them). I still have moments where I can't handle big groups of people, worrying that if I start to get sad I won't be able to express it.
The bottom line is, you have to do whatever it is you need to do to take care of yourself. But you cannot get through this alone. We all need help. Whatever that means, shrinks, groups, pills. Do something. I wouldn't have survived this experience if I didn't have my sister to talk to.
Love to you all.

Comment by Anne Delina Johnson on August 3, 2011 at 7:03pm

Am I wrong in feeling lost and alone? It is ever going to get easier?

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