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I am so tired of people asking me to donate to cancer research in my husbands memory. We both believed that they have found the cure many times, or at least more useful drugs than have been released.…Continue
Started this discussion. Last reply by kathleen akin Jun 10, 2015.
Sara Schwartztrauber has not received any gifts yet
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I'm glad to hear you are doing a few things for yourself. Setting up a little flower bed and someplace to just sit and contemplate life sounds like a wonderful idea! I have a small flower garden that I haven't yet determined which are flowers and which are weeds, that I try to add to every year. My real haunt is the vegetable garden.Probably about 25 feet by 25 feet...Bill started it for me many years ago...ran water down there, put up a 3 foot fence to protect it from critters. I almost didn't do it last year, but some friends of mine came and helped plant. This year I did it on my own(ok my daughter helped). I have to weed almost everyday, so that's when my mind wanders and I remember Bill and our life together. It's been eye opening, these past 18 months. I realize more and more all that he did FOR me. I sure hope I let him know how much I appreciated it at the time. I also am realizing what activities I miss doing with him...the fishing, walks in the woods, even shopping at hardware stores. I miss hearing his calming voice...he was always so understanding and supportive.
But, I know you miss Jim too! Are you still running the business? I give you a lot of credit keeping it going. I was just too burned out to continue working...I miss the people but that's it! I do need to find another focus tho...My only passion has been my family...so I need to find another one...Passion, not family.
Look how far we've come. We've experienced all those awful firsts without our spouses...it's got to get a little easier, or better, doesn't it?
Do you find there are things that you just can't handle anymore? Things you used to like that just "hurt" now? I find that I can't listen to live music anymore...it's just too loud. I can have the radio on and it's ok...but, live music just sets me off. I also don't handle large crowds anymore. I'm much better in a 1:1 or small group setting.
Regardless, I deal better with the situation in summer than winter. I like to be outside even if it's mowing the grass or weeding the damn garden...Anyhow, we can't change what's happened so we have to learn to live with it.
Hope life is being kinder to you....
I had been away from this site for a while. The holidays and stuff kept me at a distance. Thank you for your note to me. It's so hard to deal day to day without my Tom. I find myself talking to him even though he is not here. He was my best friend. I have no one that can take his place. So, I still talk to him and often I can imagine what his response would be...I went from an emotional wreck to an empty numb shell of a person. I feel blank, hollow, depleted.
I get through my days but just for the sake of getting through. I live in a routine with minimal variance. My husband was my spontaneity....he changed up my world. I have no desire for that now without him.
But anyway, sorry for taking so long to respond...I just read your post from November, today. Take care.
Hi Sara, thanks for your last post. I do tend to have a lot to say when I have people interested in hearing it. That's what makes this group so important to me, especially right now. I have friends that have been wonderful and understanding most of this year, but suddenly everyone has their own crisis, or are simply busy with Christmas and the holidays. I feel angry about them not returning my phone calls, not making just a little time to talk to me...I know I shouldn't, my state of mind is not their responsibility, but you start to count on people, and at the worst time in your life, they kind of desert you. I am somewhat terrified of the period from the week before Christmas and New Year's. I arranged several months ago that my son and I wouldn't be home, instead we are going to San Diego and will stay right down by the ocean for a couple of days, and on the 24th head inland to stay with the friend and his family that did his eulogy and had been his best friend since the Marine Corp. 35 years ago. They came and visited while my husband was about 6 months into the cancer, and being sensitive people, they knew right away how he wouldn't last for very long. They were really there for me at his funeral, and were the first people that really seemed to understand I needed help after an intense year of caring for my husband alone. However, I have some very bad moments right now...cried so long last night that my eyes were all swollen this morning. I miss my husband SO much, it's just beyond anything I've ever experienced. I need to do so much for Christmas, but I just don't feel like going out. Am trying to do a lot of shopping on-line. When I'm really stressed about something, it seems worse than it used to be. I know I'm on my own. I do try to do things to make it a bit less awful. I go to my volunteer "job" at Children's Hosp., which serves to remind me that there are just so many children, from infants to adulthood that have diseases, life threatening illnesses, sudden unexpected issues, and parents who are sick with worry about them. Like most volunteering, I find it to be the best part of my week. At least I can help someone else, and hopefully bring a little smile to their faces. I have been doing this for six years, as I love children and I know my husband was very proud of me doing it. It was something he always told people about when he introduced me.
I am trying to just not think too much about Christmas itself, and the fact that I am not doing all the things I used to do...you have to feel it though. You have to want to do it unless you have children or grandchildren. I am always willing to do things for other people. I just wish that everyone wouldn't forget that you don't get over loosing someone in a month, a year, or even 20 or 30 years. I have had people tell me that they still cry on the birthday, or anniversary of their loved ones death...I hope to find some happiness though, and not feel either numb or sad and depressed all the time. It seems strange that I never considered that my husband could possibly die and leave me all alone, and that I would spend (already) 2 years of my life crying daily, and mourning him. A lot of people seem to want ideas about getting through the holidays, and I have wondered myself. At this time, I don't think there are any secrets or special ways to get through it. Like the whole journey of losing someone to cancer, there are no real answers. Just try to find the people who really care about you, and hug them tight as often as you need to. Hope you are managing. By the way, I read your bio and noticed you live in Lincoln, NB. I have a lot of relatives there, as both my parents were raised in Nebraska and I have many cousins in that area, including
Hi Sara, ah yeah very difficult time, his 50th birthday was sunday, and lawyers and xmas festivities are all doing my head in, i wish i could stop crying, i havent even put the xmas tree up yet, which i really need to do for my son, cannot be bothered with it , how can we celebrate when we are missing him. I hope you get through it ok, will be thinking of you and the others as the days creep up closer.
Sorry for the lengthy text. I'm finding that writing about this is therapeutic for me. Especially someone who has been through a similar experience. I'd like to hear more from you about how you are doing with things.
Thank you for your post Sara. It does sound like you and I have a lot in common. Like you I still cannot let myself think too much about my husband, or I just lose it. Once I start crying, it's hard to stop. My husband was so strong too. The day his doctor gave him his diagnosis, and the likely time frame he could live he just looked at her, and said, "so when do we start?". I was so sad to see how once he began the chemo he became like a different person, unsure of himself, forgetful, and emotional...something I had never seen in him. I made the decision that I would not let anything keep me from giving him every part of myself and my love, for however long he had, and I told his this. I do believe that no one but others who have gone through this experience, which is really unlike most any other can understand the degree of love you have when this wonderful person that you have shared so much of your life with is dying. You want it to be you...you want to take their place, or take their pain. The feelings are beyond anything others can even imagine. I watched it tear him down, from someone who could work hard, and he did, he was incredibly smart, and always made me feel like there was no woman in the world as beautiful and special as I was. I always told him he was seeing me as he saw me when I was 25! But I know I could never find anyone to match him. I don't even want to. Last year when he was just tired out from everything, I would let everything else go, and we would just lay down facing each other, and really SEE each other. We would tell each other how much we really loved each other. We took the time to thank each other for all we had done for one another. I found out at his funeral that he had even spoken to a good friend a couple months before and asked him to speak at his funeral directly to me and our son, and let us know in front of everyone how our love and support had allowed him to go far in his career. He traveled hundreds of thousands of miles in his job, and often he was gone about half the year. He worked for to large companies in the defense industry, and that meant living our life a certain way. He was told by every doctor from the start to try medical marijuana (we live in Colorado), but he refused until about 6 months in. He was so worried that if he could go back to work, his security clearances would be taken away. So he waited. Finally, he knew he'd never go back, and we went through the process of legally getting the med. marijuana. Unfortunately for him, it never really helped him, and eventually he just stopped trying to use it. His biggest concern was for me and our son. He worried I couldn't and wouldn't be able to handle everything that came after. I tried not to worry about it. I didn't go anywhere that I didn't absolutely have to the whole year. I wanted to spend every moment with him, and it seemed to give him comfort and security knowing I was always there. I determined that I would have plenty of time after to do things. Unfortunately, it's been hard to WANT to do anything. I didn't realize the extent to which I was, as you seem to understand, Bob's wife...I feel like I have no real idea who I am. I KNOW what I was to him. He actually often talked to people about how great a wife I was, and how much he loved me. He was proud of the little things I did. Most of all, I always felt that he held my heart carefully in his hands. When he was at the end, he was in a terrible way...vomiting blood, and unable to stop. BP was 42/28, and they didn't want to give him morphine because of that. I almost yelled at them to just make the pain stop for him. He was still conscious, and we, my son and I said
Hi Sara, I do understand. I haven't been on this site recently, like I'd been. I do check in when I need to vent. I've been trying really hard to "move on". I don't hurt as much as a year ago, which is when I had a huge gaping hole that made it tough to even breathe. It's gotten a little easier, we've passed that 1 year date. I still have difficulty making decisions, second guess myself constantly. Recently we've had some some insurance issues re: damage to the house caused by a hailstorm(actually August 2) and I'm still waiting for house repairs to be done. I chewed out a couple of people because this is taking wayyyyyy toooooo long. I know Bill would've made calls and gotten things done a long time ago. I did call but allowed them to jerk me around. I'm not assertive enough, even my kids will tell you that.
Anyhow, I'm managing. I hope with all my heart that you are also starting to heal. In some ways, I envy that you continued to work the business. I'm thinking I have to find something to turn my attention to, and occupy more of my mind.
Hoping you and your family are able to enjoy Thanksgiving...without having to shovel out like we did today! Life....who knows what it will bring.
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