Hi everybody, its been 2 and a half years now since I lost my lady wife to cancer, and I feel worse now than I ever did.

I am constantly bursting into tears, particularly when I have to do shopping or something, because nothing matters anymore, im like a zombie, just going through the motions until my time comes ?

It is hard to realise that losing a husband or wife is the most natural thing, so I have to ask why do those left behind have to face such mental and psychological torture ?, because that's what it is, torture. ?

I find the mood swings attached to grief and grieving, are diabolical.

Any comments would be appreciated.

Michael

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trying to have good memories but only the memories of the last say remain in my mind only someone who has lost someone to cancer can appreciate this it is difficult to watch and to  know there is nothing you can do   the reality of this is that they can send  a man to the moon but if he returns and gets cancer he eventually has to  die hard to believe

 

Michael T,  I wanted to respond but yesterday got away from me.  Rough one.  

In particular I wanted to let you know that the tears for me just keep coming. They are different than they were in the beginning and during the years the crying has changed.  I think it is hard to fathom that at two and half years you would still be a zombie but I can relate because I felt the same way.  It was like I kept questioning myself.......how can I still be like this?   Constantly grieving, crying, staying away from people, erratic sleep and eating schedule, sometimes ravenous and sometimes have no inclination to eat.  I have never been so "messed" up in my entire life.  

Nothing is normal still.  I have no routine and although that was never my strong suit, my husband kept me focused more often than not, I was never so uncaring as I am now.  I could give a shit.   About anything.  And yet for the few things that I do sort of care about (my sister, my deceased cat, my deceased youngest brother, a good friend) if I run into anything where I think I might lose them I go bonkers.  I also feel the same sometimes if if I hear of a strangers loss.  I am not good with loss anymore , at all.

This grief is the wackiest, hardest, most unpredictable roller coaster of emotions that I have ever encountered.  I still have yet to go beyond two days in a row without "something"  finding its way into my head and boom........down I go.  

And the silence.  the having to accept that this quiet, this aloneness is forever as long as I live?  I don't know.  I just don't know anymore.  I think before just recently I kept waiting for a break.  Thinking that certainly this cannot persist.  I was wrong.  For me, I still have days where I drown.  I want his arms around me.  I just want that feeling once more.  And in my head I know it is not going to happen.  Horrendous.

And diabolical?  Yes, the most twisted, polarizing, incomprehensible reactions to feeling him being gone.  It's like it has now taken up residence as an absence of a proportion that I cannot even try to measure and wrap my head around.  A huge boulder that I drag around with me.  He's in my head but nowhere to touch.  Horrible, absolutely horrible.

And one last thing, I used to be nauseous on a daily basis.  Never could tie it directly to anything specific but i battled it quite a bit.  It has eased up in frequency but I still get it enough as a reminder.   Don’t know if it was related to food or stress or whatever but yes  I had it too and still do just not as often.  Another of the stresses to deal with........:(

Morgan, Thank you for your comment, I could not have put it better myself.  There is a certain comfort in routine, when something happens to slightly alter that routine, all those negative feelings come flooding back.

Tell me, have you seen a doctor ?

Michael

I have not seen a doctor.  I have lived a very holistic life and can recognize symptoms of the root cause.  The root cause of my physical regressions are solely based on losing my husband.  the nausea, the anxiety, the liver spots increasing, the hair falling out, the erratic sleep patterns........all of it.  The only thing that I need to see a professional for is a tooth that has recently decided to start to show signs of discomfort.  

Other than that there is nothing a professional is going to do for me that I have not tried to do for myself by trying over and over to minimize the crying and the pain of the loss.  And as for taking drugs to help that I am not a good pill popper to being with  and so I have decided to tough that part out without dulling my senses.  That's just me.  

All I can do is wish for everyone else to find what works for them.  IF drugs, god, dogs, cats, children, b=neighbors, social activities, shopping, anything that does ntoharm others works to help them with their grief I say, take it.  But I know my life is changed forever and I do not like the fact that I am still alive as I find it meaningless.  But I still breathe and so I must do what I can to manage my grief.  

I wish it was anything else.

Morgan, How long ago was it your husband passed away ?

Michael,  It's been four years plus since my husband died.  It took me three years to get a handle on functioning.  Having just passed four years I am not in constant turmoil like I was but when I do go down it is like nothing else I have experienced yet.  And even when I am not in total meltdown I find I just cannot find any real reason or motivation that leads me to believe that living without my husband will create any joy, happiness or further any experience that I didnt already have.  

Bottom line is I am existing to pay bills because I breathe.  I just don't know any other way to see it.  I can go for a full day now (and that is a pretty recent  event) without crying but it doesn't last for more than 24 to 36hours it seems. It is my coping strategy/tool /technique.  I cry.  I have a widow friend whose coping tool is "I don't know".  She says it about everything and nothing.  She repeats it as her way of coping.  I can have a conversation with her and every other word is "I don't know".  She is as messed up and confused about the loss of her spouse as I am and she is about to hit five years.  I think we all find different ways to cope but that's all it is.  Coping.  

I was reading through some of the articles I have bookmarked over the years last night and I read a couple that really sum up where I am.  And it is not unusual to be where I am.  I will never be able to summon the desire, energy or need to do more than exist.  It's just how it turned out for me and my inner soul.  

He's gone and I cannot live without him in any way shape or form that society expects out of me so I am arranging what I can to have little to nothing to do with it all except for limited interaction.  For as long as I am alive I will want to die.  Pretty simple.

I lost my daughter to cancer almost 2 months ago. I felt if I let myself go and laughed I would be forgetting about the memory of my  daughter,but recently I began to laugh at jokes but then I would pull back and remember my daughter and what happened and the tears would come  again. This has been going on and on. This feeling drives me crazy,but maybe it will be easier to handle with time or maybe this is something we have to live with.

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