I was a cancer caregiver for my husband from 2008-2011. I began taking anti-depressants, xanax, sleeping pills, and drinking as a way to cope. Now that he is gone, I have quit drinking but am still on all the medications. I want to stop the medications and get well.
About my Loss:
My husband died on April 20, 2012. He was in remission one year, and I left him during the remission on Sept. 2011 to live with my mother when his anger and abuse became more than I could stand. The cancer returned Nov. 2011, and he was given 2 more years to live. I didn't believe that he was going to die, but he died 6 months later. He was angry that I had left him and divorced me even though I begged him not to. On the day that the doctors were to remove the breathing tube, I finally signed the divorce papers even though I didn't want to. However, his family and attorney would not remove the breathing tube until I signed the papers. After I signed the papers, they removed the breathing tube, and he died 15 mins. later. I was standing by his side, holding his arm as he died. Now I am filled with grief and regret that I had moved out and didn't support him in his final months. I hope I can forgive myself. I've searched and searched for support groups and have read many books, but they have not helped. I hope that this group will help.
Are You a Service Provider? If Yes, please tell us about your service.
"Something I have noticed is that the content of a dream may not be a big deal, but what you are feeling in the dream is where the power comes from. The dream I had was horrible. It was so short, but I had a sick feeling in my stomach throughout.…"
"I dream about my Mom & Dad & thankfully they are always good dreams that are comforting. An Aunt that I was close to is in a lot of the dreams with my parents. I have one sibling. He is never in the dreams of my parents. I…"
"I rarely dream about my mom. When I do dream about her it is almost always bad. I had a horrible dream last night. It was very short. I was standing near the front door of my mom's house. I looked down to greet my dog. There was a little puppy…"
"Yes we have no choice but to live without our mothers. Grief and guilt will be there through out and some days will be really hard than others. Yesterday was pathetic for me as my father said something that really hit me. I hope to see my mother…"
"I relate to you all who have posted lately. 2 years for me. 2nd year was worse than the first as reality set in and shock lessened. I am still in a trauma state of mind. Forgetful, irritable, less patient. I isolate…"
"6 days ago my husband and soulmate was brutly murdered and everyday gets a little harder I haven't seen him yet he's held up at the corners and I'm terrified to see him but I need to see him to convince my mind that this is real and…"
"Robin, thank you. Bluebird was the honesty that i discovered on this site that made it possible for me to express what I go through. Several others who write let me know too. I tend to reach out here, particularly when I am…"
"Hi Morgan - I lost my husband John, 9 years ago, when he was 46. I come to this website every now & then, but have only commented a few times. I relate most to you and Bluebird. I can't believe it's been 9 years, and…"
"I really don't know what to say to all the newer people who come here looking for help and comfort because I have struggled for years. I did find an article written by a psychotherapist just the other day that made some sense to me about the…"