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Comment by Rachel Lynn Schuler on April 17, 2011 at 7:09pm

hi Shawna, you and me have the same last name, except mine is Schuler....I lost my mom last December, and my memories of her are distant....I have had some memory loss, not sure what has happened, but I feel like half a person because I cant remember the one person that meant more to me than anyone in the world....in time it will come back....maybe its God's way of protecting me from the pain....I got so depressed, didnt get out of bed, cried myself to sleep every night....I dont ever want to feel pain like that again.....for that part I am thankful, to be relieved from it....but still feel like a shell....

Comment by Cynthia Horacek on April 15, 2011 at 10:17am

Dear All -

Reading these posts and hearing the pain makes me want to tell you it is so normal to feel all of these things when you lose someone you love.  I have days where I get triggered - and I don't always know what triggers me - and the tears start to flow bit by bit and then I stop fighting and just let them out; I sob and cry and talk to my beloved, and tell him he shouldn't have left me, I wasn't really ready, even tho I told him it was okay to let go when he was dying; I lied.  It wasn't okay.  None of us were ready.  Who is ever ready to say goodbye to their soul mate?  A part of me wanted to give him an overdose of drugs to just end his suffering, but another part of me knew I just couldn't, and all I could do was keep giving him the right dose to just keep him comfortable; I was giving him morphine every 30 minutes, and after the 6th one, I had been saying "just let the medicine comfort you and go with it; let it take you away; it's okay to go...." and he suddenly was lucid for a moment, and he said "well, I guess so...."; he took two breaths, he cried two tears, and he was gone.  His face relaxed, his eyes stayed open, and my daughter said "that's a dad face" and she meant he looked like he did when he was alive and healthier - open and happy and relaxed, and somehow, that brought me just a little bit of piece.  

But if you have to cry, or yell, or throw things - do whatever you need to do to let out the grief, because keeping in it only  makes the hurt worse.  I know when you have little ones, you have to find the space to do that when they won't be affected; maybe you need to cry into your pillow, or scream into it so they don't hear you, or have someone nearby who can help with them by taking them out for a bit so you can have the space,  And Jan, please don't blame yourself.  I'm sure you did whatever you could for your wife, and she knew you loved her, and that's what counts.  And yes it hurts.  It's traumatic to watch someone you love in so much pain and watching them die.  

It may sound strange, but I do wish you all peace, and it will come in it's own time.  Grief is a process; you have to work it.  

Comment by Jan Duvenage on April 15, 2011 at 8:32am

We all deal with our own grief and pain in our own way. I remember as a child growing up and watching and hearing the grown up's talk emotionally and ocassionally shedding a tear when a relative has passed on. Many a friend lost a sibling, father or mother growing up and i never even imagined losing a family member then, we as a family were very fortunate to have had good health and fortune. Only once Dad passed, did we come to understand and fully realize the impact of his absence from our lives. Also losing a sister suddenly to a brain aneurism made me suddenly realize we are getting older and live is not guaranteed or to be trifled with. Last year on the 19th of April my life came to a sudden and abrupt halt when i lost the one person that was my soul and my inspiration, she was ripped from me after suffering 2 weeks of unbearable pain caused by cancer of the pancreas. No amount of crying,cursing, shouting or begging will bring her back or give me one more second with her, this is what hurts the most, the days drag by and i still see the pain on her face even though she was semi comatose and could not speak to us i knew if she could she would have been crying and begging me to help her , which i as her husband failed her in. I made a vow to be by her side in sickness and in health,  and i failed her i let her pass away. I feel so helpless and betrayed in myself and that is why i wished i didn't believe, because then it would have been easier to carry on.

 

Comment by Shawna Shuler on April 15, 2011 at 8:00am

Arielle,

  Thank you for your words they helped in some ways.  I know that nothing can really help with the pain I feel as I told my therapist no amount of therapy or pills can take away how I feel inside and my reality but at least I know Im not alone and it does help to talk to others that know what Im going through.

  I am sorry for your loss as well and you are right I guess our surviving is really a true testament to our strength but I think at times if it werent for my kids I wouldnt want to survive the going on and moving forward at times just seems too hard but I do it for my kids

Comment by Arielle on April 15, 2011 at 7:27am

Shawna-
I am so sorry for your loss. I have a two year old and I know how hard it is to find the patience to deal with him while trying to cope with the death of someone you love so dearly. I lost my brother seven months ago. He has two little boys, 8 and 5. I'm not sure how my sister in law helps them understand what happened to their dad. They were allowed in the hospital the day before my brother passed. I think my brother had been waiting to see them before he let go. He was already no longer really with us, couldn't really communicate, but the look of excrutiating pain on his face when the boys came in the room let me know that he knew they were there, and that it was going to be the last time he would see them. The boys had to know that something was terribly wrong. But death is a difficult concept for us to grasp, it must be impossible for a young child to understand.

I also get incredibly angry. Sometimes I find that the anger is misdirected or is really just covering up the immense sadness. And if I just let myself cry the anger will subside.

I think the fact that we are surviving is a testament to our strength. We are lucky in a way that there are kids to take care of, they force us to carry on.

Arielle

Comment by Shawna Shuler on April 15, 2011 at 7:15am

Wow its been awhile since I came on this site and typed anything or came on this site in general.  Jerry has been gone 5 months now and to say it I still can't believe it's been that long and I still miss him terribly.  Ive been in and out of the hospital trying to get my mind to wrap around whats happened but no amount of doctors or anyone can cure whats goin on with me.  The kids are getting big and I know Jerry would be so proud of them and I know they miss their daddy they tell me all the time.  It kills me they are so young and dont understand and they ask when daddy is coming home how do you explain death to a 3 yr old?...Just recently my older sister called and said they just found out she has cancer, shes only 43 and the type they say she may have gives her a survival rate of less than 5 yrs.  Hearing that news only brought back memories of the pain and shock I felt when they told us Jerry had cancer and said he could beat the odds but within a year was gone.  I feel the doctors didnt do enough for him at least not as much as they could have and it makes me angry everyday I lost Jerry the way I did.  Sure I see him in my dreams and what sucks is when I wake up I dont remember half of them.  I feel so guilty for alot of things and there are times I just dont know where to turn, the last few weeks have been the worst I start to cry at every little thing and no matter how busy I am I seem to just stop and get so lost in my own head that when I come back to reality I dont remember what it is I was doing.  I just wish I wasnt so damn angry I dont even know what Im typing I guess I came back on here because so many ppl are in the same situation or close to what Im going through and I figure maybe someone out there can help me makes sence of it all cause I know that the doctors cant and niether can anyone else

 

Comment by Cynthia Horacek on April 14, 2011 at 8:06pm

Reading the most recent several posts I can relate to all of them.  

I miss my husband more than I ever thought possible. And I never knew anything could hurt so much and so deeply.  

In October they told us it looked good; the tumor didn't appear to be growing or spreading and it looked "inactive" but in November, it suddenly spread to his liver and his bone marrow, but I don't think it was so "sudden".  On the other hand, I do feel he had a great oncologist and we liked him a lot, and he was always available to us, any time of day or night.  He always returned my calls the same day, and he answered my questions to the best of his ability; and I still believe he was as honest as he could have been.  But I agree that it doesn't matter where you are as a patient; you need someone to advocate for you in all cases.  There were mistakes that might have been made if I wasn't there with my husband as much as I could be, and there were things that maybe I could have interceded in if I had been there more.  The residents wanted to give him Humera for his Crohn's Disease; but fortunately his GI doctor was on top of it and said no, he already has cancer... (One risk of Humera is lymphoma...) 

I think I'm trying to learn to live with this loss by telling myself that we will all die; and this was Don's time.  It was a terrible way to die, and he suffered at the end, and he wasn't always lucid those last few days, but it was his time.   He's not suffering anymore, and I like to think he's at peace and at least maybe he's with his mom and dad now, and others who loved him who passed before he did.  I tell myself we'll see each other again someday, and be together, because I don't know if I could tolerate not believing that.  

I wish you all peace along the way, even if it's a terribly bumpy ride getting wherever you need to go.

Comment by michael sandoval on April 14, 2011 at 7:48pm

Dear Jan,
I know exactly how you feel. The memories I cherish also make me cry. I miss Denise so so much. I can't even put it into words.

Comment by Kathy Saylor on April 14, 2011 at 7:40pm

Barbra, that is so, so sad!  I'm so angry with the medical institution,  I have stories of mistakes and my brother has similar stories about my parents.  I have conclude it doesn't matter what hospital, small, large, teaching or what, people take a real chance upon entering.  I was there as much as I could be advocating for Mel, and still mistakes were done, like sending him home with pneumonia.  I'm trying not to dwell on the mistakes, and am trying to be present now in the moment and feel the grief and pain.  What's done is done and I can't do anything about it, but make it worse for me.  I'm sending you healing energy and loving kindness.

Comment by Barbra Ingrassia Fairman on April 14, 2011 at 7:23pm

Hi Kathy- you know that there are no words. The pain was and is so bad at times its hard to breath. Taking a shower and driving my car alone are two of the saddest places for me. My brother first entered the hospital on 12/26/10. They thought he was having a reaction to the flu shot and sent him home after a week he got worse.We got him into NYU where supposed genius were in charge. They continued to push the flu reaction.By the time they figured it out Richie had less than a 10% chance. It really was a heartbreaking death. He was a prisoner in his own body, how horrible that must have been for him.I hate thinking about it,yet I do. That's how I torture myself. Anyway, it has been a year and to me it's still bad. I just miss him so much.

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