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Comment by mercy on October 26, 2011 at 10:49am

Cynthia, its always so nice to read your posts; it makes me feel so normal. I too have those same questions everyday, and I feel like giving up daily but I always remember the email you sent telling me that my daughter uses me as a gauge if things are okay.I try so hard daily to put on a happy face for her; I don't want my sadness and grief to ever have an negative impact on her life. Thanks for always being there for us

Comment by Brandi Bangs on October 26, 2011 at 10:14am

Thank you for sharing your story Cynthia.  I'm sorry for your loss as well.  Cancer is such a horrible thing.  You do have have purpose and you must go on.  It's wonderful you and Don had your financial matters in order.  My father's were not and now I have to become the "parent" and help take care of my mom.  I know that I'm planning ahead so that my daughter does not have to have the extra burden and stress. 
(((hugs)))

Comment by Cynthia Horacek on October 26, 2011 at 1:27am

Dear Barbara and Brandi -

I'm sorry for you losses; truly.  I lost my husband last year on Nov. 12.  He had been bleeding and was anemic, but he also had Crohn's disease, so we assumed it was the Crohn's.  His dr. found the tumor in January last year, quite by accident, during a "routine" scope.  A small piece of the tumor came out with the scope, so he sent it to pathology and it was cancer.  The problem was that the tumor grew into the pelvic cavity and not the rectum.  Whatever; I agree with you, Barbara, that there isn't time for second-guessing and hindsight and the "what ifs..."  I know because I've done a lot of that this past year.  I don't cry daily anymore, but I still have my "bad" days when I do spend the better part of it just mourning and crying, and you know what?  That's okay.  I just do what I need to do and am thankful I have the freedom and ability to do that.  This may sound strange, and I'd give it all up to have my Don back by my side, but I am actually fortunate that he made such good financial decisions that if I'm careful, and don't go "crazy", I don't have to work or worry about finances for another 30 years or so.  I hope I don't live that long; I'll be 60 in April.  Don was my best friend, my soul mate, my very breath.  I lived for him, and I would have died for him, given the choice.  But we don't get those choices do we?  

As far as the government and conspiracy theories,  I just don't buy into it.  I know too many medical doctors to believe that they don't want to cure people of this terrible disease.  One of my students (I teach in a graduate psychology program) was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma last June. She has one more round of chemo to undergo, but she has been declared "clear" of any signs of the cancer.  So there are cures and there is hope for others.  When they found Don's cancer, the tumor was at stage 4, but the cancer was stage 1 - it hadn't spread to any lymph nodes or other organs.  He was doing very well until it suddenly spread in October, and he lived another week after the bone marrow biopsy.

I know I've posted all this before, but there is something healing about being able to "say" it as much as I need to, and for that, I thank everyone on this list.  Last night was a hard night for me; I was crying and I just finally went to be early, and let myself feel what I needed to feel.  Today was better.  But I have to say, I still question my purpose in life now that Don is gone. Yes, I have my daughters, and don't we all "always" need our mom?  But they are both married and are making their own lives.  So I question it a lot.  My younger daughter wrote me such a wonderful note after Don died; she had lost her father, but she wanted to tell me how strong I was, and how much she admired and loved me, and that maybe she "could be my purpose."  How can I not go on after getting that?  

Thank you all, for allowing me the space to write this.

 

Comment by Brandi Bangs on October 25, 2011 at 11:53pm

So sorry Barbara.  I lost my dad to the same.  I lost him 2 weeks ago.  I recently started a new way of living and eating and has got me questioning what the govt feeds us about diet and medications.  I'm so sorry for your loss.

Comment by Barbara Sutton on October 17, 2011 at 9:12pm

I have been "living" without my husband now for 6 months. For years and years I've heard so many cure remedies about cancer but by the time we found out he had cancer it was too late. Looking back on my journey these last few months I can not bring myself to all the what ifs... All I can do is try to move on. There is theory that the government is hiding the cure for many of the serious illnesses that are out there. If this is true then shame on them. I can only pray that there will be a cure so mommies and daddies can see their children grow up, that loved ones can go on for years with hope, and that the natural circle of life be fullfilled. It does me no good to waste energy on being angry daily, but not a day has gone by that I don't cry for my loss and the coldness of not having my best friend be gone. Jim (my husband) died at the age of 52, colorectal cancer. He was diagnosed in February, died in April. I had no time to absorb, just time to be by his side and for that I am grateful.

I hope that the word gets out regarding the Lemon. I hope that there is some accountability, but in reality, the government owns what is rightfully ours and they, whoever they are should rot in hell if this denial of a cure is true. God bless all of us here who have lost. Pray for those who are still alive to be cured. And remember that some day we will be with them once again.

 

Comment by Rachel Lynn Schuler on October 17, 2011 at 9:04pm

there is nothing harder i think than losing a loved one to this horrible disease...i lost both parents to it, and i hope i never succumb to it....i have a high probability since they both had it, im not scared, but i have breathing difficulty, and hope that i dont end up having the troubles they did....one day at a time....trying to keep the faith....they are looking down on me and saying, rachel, your the best, we love you, carry on......just trying to give some words of wisdom....love ya guys...rach

Comment by Rachel Lynn Schuler on October 17, 2011 at 8:55pm

well said michael well said...this has been a long journey for you.....and yes, she is with the Lord, probably saying hello to my mom, maybe they are even having tea....not to make light, just saying, its a good thing hun....ive hoped you have moved past the grief....i have found a guy, and things are going well, im leery of getting too deep, but i love him so, and mom would want this for me, not to wallow in grief and not be happy....bravo michale.....

Comment by michael sandoval on October 17, 2011 at 8:02pm

Denise loved the Lord so much that she asked Him to forgive her for her sins when she knew she wouldn't survive the cancer.  She had so much faith in the Lord, that He would protect her and save her from Satan and hell.  She loved the Lord till her last breath and the last thing I did was read her favorite Bible story to her just hours before she departed.  She was an example of how to love the Lord right til the very end and not fear death.  I love you Baby.

Comment by anna l. on October 17, 2011 at 7:55pm

Well if lemons cured cancer then my husband would still be here.  His favorite pie...  Lemon merange.  Favorite tea,... Lemon.  Favorite food.... fish and chips with double or triple lemon slices.  As for being angry with the emails with magic cures...  Well they just piss me off!!!!!!  Two people who were "thoughtful" enough to send those to me and Tom during his ordeal I have not spoken to since.  It still makes me made just thinking about the day I zipped home from the paliative care unit to shower and check messages and found one touting the magic benifits of asparagus.  I used to like asparagus and now I cant even stand to look at it in the store.  Actually, nearly 4 months in I am in full blown anger mode so Im probably not a great person to ask if something makes her mad.  lol

Comment by mercy on October 17, 2011 at 5:06pm

Cynthia, your advice is always spot on. Its true there are always people making these claims even when they are really no documented cures. I know for the rest of my life I’ll have so many questions as to what we could have done better for my mom, she has ten children who loved her to pieces and we are all so shattered that she died after getting what we thought was the best treatment available. She was only 71 and had so much life left to live. She really didn’t want to die and ad so much faith that she would be healed. Cynthia, this is a tough road, we will miss them till the day we die. Thanks for all your help.

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