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Comment by Monica on April 5, 2016 at 9:11pm

Oh jeez, Rhonda, Phyllis, Jill, Lisa, Rebecca, Theresa....everyones story,,sooo soo sad, so similar within our darkness. Helpful ONLY to me, and maybe others because it validates these unknown emotions. As i could never wish this upon anyone,,,even for my own good sanity. Only just a few wks ago did i join this online ANYTHING pertaining to the specific needs my grieving has traveled. At first glance, i must say, i hardly got through reading maybe 4 posts as i sat looking at ALL the similarities in what i had gone through. Very sad too, that anyone else would really be feeling what tumbles around in my heart and mind. I barely know this "New Me", how can anyone know this new me so well...So, after filling out the application, only to keep my hands busy as i cried n cried,i quickly closed up n walked away, UNTIL i got email to join. I braved the storm. I stuck with it and wrote down the darkest day of my life. You all listened. You all shared your shredded hearts. I appreciate you braving the storm too,,,because without eachothers voices,,,,the demon of loneliness comes more often. Our common primal wound. ....Motherless. (crying)

Comment by rhonda jean on April 5, 2016 at 4:04pm

Thanks Jill. I appreciate your heartfelt response and I am sorry for your loss as well. My day is getting a little better, so there's that!

Comment by jill smith on April 5, 2016 at 7:41am

Rhonda, my mom passed Oct. 2014 and by far the one year anniversary was the hardest date for me thus far. It is the anniversary of the worst day of my life. No celebrating going on there...So I understand what you are feeling. It is rough. 

The holidays are rough for me too. It does bring you down. 

Sounds like your mom was a fighter. I am so sorry for your loss. 

Comment by rhonda jean on April 5, 2016 at 7:20am

Hi everyone. I am currently dealing wth my moms one year anniversary coming. I feel like I am sitting here waiting for a tram to hit and it is slowly running pieces of my soul over each day.
I am an adult only child with no father around since I was young. My stepdad died 5 years prior to my mother from cancer. My mother was relatively young, just 65, and died of a rare syndrome/disease called calciphylaxis. I imagine what we went through is similar to a rare cancer diagnosis. It's uncommon, there are no guarantees, no fixes, and it's a painful grueling path to recovery for those who do beat it (there is an 80% mortality rate for this disease currently).
At the time, I thought if anyone could beat this it's her. She was a nurse for 40 years and helped so many others. I just felt God has to have mercy on her. She was one of those people everyone loved, the entire extended family relied on my mother at different times and she never let anyone down. I suppose I feel I let her down when she died, that I should have been able to help her when she needed me. I know I did everything I could, but it wasn't enough and I live with that failure every day. My husband and kids remind me often this wasn't my fault, but somehow I feel terribly guilty.
I wonder if many of you feel guilt for whatever reason, and how you cope with that feeling. Like I said, my family just says it's nonsense I have nothing to feel guilty about, but that doesn't make me feel it less and doesn't really help me cope with it. Its even harder to deal with an emotion people don't think you should be having in some ways.
Anyway, this anniversary is hitting me hard. I had been doing much better after Xmas was over, but then Easter came and this grief reared its ugly head in rage again. People say each holiday can rip you open anew but I guess until you've experienced it you cannot understand.
Unconditional love. That's what she gave me and it's what I've lost and miss the most. There is no one like your mom, and it's such a deep wound. I feel so badly for all of you experiencing this, but I am also kinda glad you are here...just this very moment I don't feel so all alone with my sadness and loss, and that's a little blessing in itself. It's a consolation that there are people who do understand, but on the other hand I am so sorry for you all too.
a rant over, I can't type anymore now for fear I will still be typing at midnight! Thanks to anyone who reads this, and my condolences to all who are here...hopefully I can find and give some support here that I (and you) aren't getting elsewhere.

Comment by Lisa Green on April 4, 2016 at 9:46pm

Wednesday this week will be six weeks since I lost my Mom, my best friend, my biggest supporter of everything me. I miss my Momma beyond words. My sister and I have been going through her clothes and trying to clean out things for my Dad. It doesn't seem right to go through her things. It feels like an invasion of privacy. Thankfully Mom and I wore many things the same size so I can keep a lot of her clothes. Some clothes that really remind us of Mom the most, we are keeping to make some quilts out of. All of this is so emotionally exhausting. I work full time and coach my son's soccer team and now take care of a lot of things for my Dad and I stay so tired all the time. I'm dreading Mothers Day so much. Does anyone have any ideas on what to do on that day?

Comment by Rebecca on April 4, 2016 at 8:56pm

Just like you all I feel the exact same way- I listen to her voicemails, I look through our pictures, I feel immense guilt because I didn't spend as much time as I should with her before she died... I comb through her journals, reread cards she wrote to me and obsess over texts ... I've never felt such insane feelings of sadness before and it has been almost 4 months and four of the worst months of my life, nothing good can happen that will take me out of this grief. I'm glad to read that I'm not alone also and that most of you feel the same way I do. How do you go from talking to someone everyday to not at all? My mind can't comprehend such a loss and being an only child- my dad is even worse than I am... I don't even know what to do to comfort either of us:/

Comment by Monica on April 4, 2016 at 8:46pm

I am keeping you all in my prayers as i ask daily for strength, will, understanding & mercy. Tomorrow will be 22wks without Mom. How in the world have i even made it thus far..? I often ask myself. These painful waves of grief sometimes cripple me at the most inconvenient times. It was a bad wknd for me. So i exhausted myself emotionally. ..sigh. Bless you all!

Comment by Theresa on April 4, 2016 at 7:06pm

It been almost four months for me too, I have her voicemails and I cannot bring myself to read them. 

I pray everyday for strength to get through this part of my life.

I miss her so much.....

Comment by Phyllis on April 4, 2016 at 6:43pm

My mom has been gone 4 mos today. I also listen to her voicemail messages and want to call her and share every little thing. As I read through everyone's posts, I see that all of the feelings and emptiness I have is also felt by others so I guess I am having normal grieving. The comment by Lisa Green could have easily been from me as it is spot on. I'm praying for peace for all.

Comment by Lisa Green on April 1, 2016 at 3:29pm

Thank you Monica for replying to my post. It is so comforting to hear how others deal with this kind of loss and how feel about certain things. I also have saved voice mails that I listen to and they give me comfort and put a smile on my face but also a lot of tears flow too. Everytime I hear her voice on there it is partly a denial of her being gone but i find myself answering questions out loud and thinking for a split second that I can call her back. It's the most empty feeling ever to realize that no I cannot call her back. I want to call her and share so many things all the time. The smallest little things that I would call her for are the kinds of things that gives me that empty feeling again. There's no one else I can call that can feel that void. And no one that I feel like I can talk to that can help me through those feelings even though I do have many family members and a few friends who would try.  It's just something we have to endure. Thank you for your prayers and your thoughts. I will keep you in mine as well and we will endure silently together. My mom would want me to keep living my life and helping others. 

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