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Comment by James Quinn on February 10, 2015 at 2:42pm

Leesa, I know how you feel My heart goes out to you, you are on the same road as i am i to feel split in two by the lose of a soul mate and wish so much i could join her .To all you good people who have lost love ones.I was ask if i could  have a pill that would take the pain away plus the memory of my beautiful wife  i said" NEVER! 

Comment by Roger on February 10, 2015 at 2:01pm

Laura, my wife died from breast cancer. Two years ago yesterday. After having a runtine mammogram in December of 2006. Which supposedly was all clear. In July of 2007 she showed a lump she found to her OB/GYN. She sent her back to the mammogram clinic. This time it was ultrasounded and biopsied. Determined to be cancer. She had surgery, chemo and radiation treatments. Finishing this in February 2008. Everything was good until late in 2009. She started to have pain in her upper back. After it progressively got worse. She went to the Doctor. A MRI revealed a neoplasm (tumor) in her spine. From then on till her death was nothing but surgeries, chemo. Even more radiation. I loved her more than words can say. We were soulmates. What I want to do with the rest of my life. You are exactly right. Having to watch someone you love, suffer and eventually die is so hard. I thought also, when she got so very sick. Was at home with hospice. That I was ready. But I wasn't. Its just indescribable. Emotions that I have never felt before. Racing through me like electricity. Couldn't sleep. Sick to my stomach. A walking zombie My mom was also ill durning all this with COPD. She died July 2014. Adding to my hellous grief, I am enduring. I really don't think I haven't improved much in the last 2 years. Maybe as you just gotton better st carrying the pain. My heart goes out to you. So much of your life ahead of you. Your mother not here any longer to share it. I am so sorry. You certainly aren't alone. There are lots of very nice people on this website. That have lost loved ones. That understand what it is like. I will keep you in my prayers.

Comment by Laura on February 10, 2015 at 11:56am

I lost my mom to Inflammatory Breast Cancer May 7, 2014. She was only 49 and had only been diagnosed 2 months prior. Watching someone you love suffer and eventually die is the hardest thing to do. In the beginning I prayed for a miracle to heal her, but towards the end I stopped. That's when I started praying for God to end her suffering. There is a certain moment in time when you lose hope. Among the failed chemo, and hospital stays, the episodes where she didnt know where she was, and the tearful conversations, you think you are being prepared. But you can never be prepared. The morning she died, My sister and I were asleep in the living room. We had been staying with her for about 3 weeks. Spending our time giving her morphine, dilaudid and begging her to eat. My sister was awake and had just stepped out of her bedroom when she took her last breath. She woke me up and the look on her face said it all. She was gone. My beautiful, 49 year old mother was gone. She wont be here when I get married later this year or when i have my first baby. Everyone tells you that time heals. It doesnt. Not even a little. We just get better at carrying around the pain. We accept the random tears and remember who we lost.

Comment by Leesa Lynch on February 5, 2015 at 11:44am

Im here going through the motions of life but cant seem to find any enjoy in it I wish God and taken both of us I dont want to go throuigh the rest of my life by myself but it looks like i have no choice in it

Comment by Trina Mamoon on February 5, 2015 at 4:07am

February 4th was the six-month marker since the love of my life passed. I don't how I have been going on living all these months without the man who gave my life meaning. I live, I function, I teach, I do everything, I do all these things as if in a haze, in a muddled reality. Sometimes I feel there are two me's. The outside one that everyone else sees and thinks is functioning well, and my inner self that no one know anything about. It's two different people. Even when I am work and teaching, Joseph is constantly on my mind. I am always conscious of him and my life-altering devastating loss that I can never come to terms with. Like several widows have said on this forum, I am married to Joseph and always will be. There will be no one else for me. That's why it's seems completely unreal that I will never see him again, never hear his voice, never speak to him, never feel his touch, or kiss him. I don't know many years I have on this earth; it could be many more. I cannot bring myself to process that thought--that year after year I will go on living, inconsolable, grief-stricken, and wishing with all my being to be reunited with him. The pain is relentless, the feeling of emptiness ongoing, so what I do is I live one day at a time, and say thank you when another day has passed. My only consolation is when my time comes, I will finally be reunited with the love of my life. It will be in another form, but it will be the reunion of two loving souls in eternity. I pray that my time comes soon. I so want to be reunited with Joseph now. But I don't know if prayers like this are answered. None of my prayers for Joseph's recovery and life were...

Comment by Trina Mamoon on February 5, 2015 at 2:59am

Hello Meghan,

My heart goes out to you. It's very painful to lose a parent, and especially at such a tender age. I wish you strength and courage at this heartbreaking time.

Relatives of cancer patients have a harder time coping sometimes. It's perhaps because cancer devastates the patient's body beyond recognition very rapidly like no other disease, and the treatments such as chemotherapy take a huge toll on them. And like you said, sometimes right up until a few days, there seems to be hope with new treatments. It's all very devastating. Especially as there's no answer to Why. I don't know how many times I have asked this question and so have so many on this site, but unfortunately, there is no answer. It's just utterly unfair, and you don't deserve it, and none of us do. 

I hope you have support from understanding family members and a few good friends. I don't know how else to console you. 

Wishing that you have the courage and strength to make it through this incredibly devastating experience. Peace.

Best regards, Trina

Comment by Trina Mamoon on February 5, 2015 at 2:48am

Hello Alexis,

My deepest condolences to you on losing your mother. Suffering through the death of a loved one is extremely painful, but I think losing a loved one to cancer is in some ways more difficult. 

My husband looked healthy and strong in August of 2013 and by November when he had been diagnosed with stage IV lung cancer, he had lost a lot of weight and looked frail and weak. By the time he left me in August 2014, at age 49, he he had lost all his hair and he was emaciated and very thin. How a person could change like that in less than year is difficult to come to grips with.

I have had many misgivings with the two doctors in whose care my husband was. First, our family doctor couldn't diagnose the cancer for two months. So he lost 2 months right there, only at stage iv, it was caught. And then our one oncologist in town was not here for three months while he was getting chemotherapy. All the patients were left in the care of visiting physicians. So when his tumors returned, no one was there to catch them. They caught them again too late. So twice, there was delay and he lost many crucial months to this negligence. I'll never know, but maybe he would have lived another 6 more months had his doctors were better. Six months is a long time when we are talking about survival. 

Am I angry at the two doctors? Yes, I am, and I fervently pray that one day karma will catch up and they will lose someone dear to them through the negligence and callousness of others. Then they'll know how it feels. Even though I am angry, I have not let this anger take control of my life. It would destroy me and consume me and I would turn into a bitter, angry widow. 

My wonderful husband, all through the nine months of his battle with cancer never once showed anger towards anyone. He always told me how fortunate he was/we were to have loving family members and friends, and asked me to focus on what's positive and what's good. So even though I would like to lash out at the two doctors, I follow my husband's example and try to focus on the good and not let anger destroy me. Let the universe take revenge and mete out justice.

Again, my deepest sympathy for you. Wishing you peace at your hour of loss.

Best, Trina

Comment by Alexis Paige Zarycki on February 4, 2015 at 5:57pm

Today I lost my mother to a 3 year long battle with stomach cancer. I feel as if my family, some of them at least, are angry with the doctors, shifting blame. Its hard you know, because I dont want to be like that, I dont want to be angry with anyone. 

Comment by Meghan Kuhlman on February 2, 2015 at 5:46pm

My father past away July 31, 2014. Just 6 months ago. I was 17 years old at the time. I lost him to cancer. Not just one type of cancer but two types of cancer. Multiple myeloma and leukemia. The doctors kept telling us he would be alright and he would pull through it. They found multiple myeloma everywhere on his body and at the time they didn't know he had leukemia. Until 4 days before he past away they went to go do chemo treatments on him and they had to stop because they found leukemia and it was very aggressive. I turned 18 in September and I am not doing so good with the loss of my father. Why did this have to happen to me? Right before my 18th birthday and graduation. I always think to my self that I won't even have him walk me down the isle because he isn't here. It sucks! 

Comment by Shirley on February 2, 2015 at 2:02pm

Leesa....My prayers are for you. Glad your son is still having a lunch date with you as he is taking over where your husband can no longer escort you.  This past Thursday my hubby had been gone for nine months and it seems like a million years since I saw him last and took care of him at home with Hospice of the Valley. Days are slowly moving forward for me, but will always remember the last few years with him and how he suffered with Cancer that devoured his body. Know where he is and there is no longer pain, suffering  and sickness.  Hope to re unite with him and the rest of my family soon.  Prayers for all who are in grieving on this thread.

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