Comment

Comment by Arielle on May 5, 2011 at 5:36am

Christina-
I am so sorry for your loss. You have expressed yourself so beautifully here, and we all understand. Michael is right, people simply do not know what to say or do. And so many are uncomfortable with the idea of death and in the presence of true grief. It is unfortunately something you really need to experience first hand to truly understand and be able to empathize. Perhaps your friend are concerned about you and feel you need more help than they can provide. You must talk and get it out. A therapist, a support group, your siblings, even a journal.
I know mother's day will be a difficult day for many. What I have learned in the seven months since my brother passed is that often the anticipation of a holiday, birthday, etc seems extemely overwhelming, but then somehow you make it through and find strength you didn't know you had.
The only thing we can do is honor their memories. And be with people who love and support us.

Comment by michael sandoval on May 5, 2011 at 12:27am

Dear Christina,
my condolences. Your friends don't understand. It's not their fault. I know what you are going through. I don't talk to anyone about my grief except my therapist. She totally understands. Therapy has been the only thing that has come close to helping.
God bless you

Comment by Cristina Garcia on May 4, 2011 at 11:23pm

I joined this site a couple of weeks ago because two of my closest friends confronted me about my grief becoming too overwhelming for them. I lost my mom to ovarian cancer 8 months ago after a 3 year battle. It seems that they think that I should be over it by now but since they have not experienced a loss, they don't fully understand what this feels like. I tried to explain that it is even more difficult for me because I also lost my dad 18 years ago. After losing dad, mom was all we had left and now she is gone. I am the youngest in the family and at 39 I feel so lost with my parents. I've been dreading mother's day for the past few days. I don't know how I will get through my first mother's day without my mom. Even though she was pretty sick last mother's day, it was a blessing to have her with us. I know she is in a better place and is no longer suffering but that doesn't change the fact that I miss her more than I thought possible. I was one of the last to speak to her before she passed in her sleep. I remember holding her hand, keeping vigil by her bed because she was afraid to be left alone. I asked her what was she afraid of. As a good mother that she was, she answered leaving you all, not being here when you need me. I held her hand and reassured her that we would all be fine after all we are all adults. I thanked her for being a great mom, always taking care of us, and how we appreciated all the sacrifices she and dad made to educate all 8 of us. I told her how much I loved her. And finally, I found the courage to tell her it was okay for her to go with dad. That was one of the hardest things I have had to do but I know that is what she was needing to hear. She was on morphine and oxygen as needed. She was no longer able to sit or stand much less walk or get up on her own. She hated feeling like a burden to us even though we assured her that we would do anything for her because we were grateful for everything she did for us. Mom was an amazing woman. She was always involved in the community, our church and volunteered at our schools. She and dad instilled in us the importance of education which is probably why most of us are in the teaching profession. I am blessed with many great memories of my parents. I was very lucky to have parents who cared and were involved in all that we did and encouraged us to follow our dreams. I know I need to keep living my life because that is what they would want but there are times when that seems difficult. It is even more difficult because now I don't feel like I can share my feelings with those 2 friends, whom I see with daily. I was in utter disbelief that they would even confront me. I know it is just because they care about me and don't like to see me sad. It's not in my nature to show much emotion but lately I am unable to contain it. I feel bombarded. Everywhere I go I am reminded that mother's day is approaching. Emails, commercials, ads, etc...all focusing on mother's day. A constant reminder for me that my mom is gone yet not forgotten and missed. Planning a visit to the cemetery to honor her life and remember what a wonderful mom she was.

Comment by michael sandoval on May 4, 2011 at 7:22pm

I miss my Denise

Comment by Natalie Westby on May 4, 2011 at 6:42pm

Thanks so much for everyone's encouraging words.  It really means alot to me to know that I'm not alone, and there are other people who've gone through what I'm going through.  My mom's doing better today.  She said she only vomitted alittle this morning.  I've been making her milkshakes w/ all sorts of different flavors.  Its all that I can do.  I can't make her pain go away, or stop the vomitting or make the tumors shrink, but I can make a milkshake.

Comment by Cynthia Horacek on May 3, 2011 at 6:12pm

As if it wasn't traumatic enough watching my husband die of colon cancer, my dog has been sick.  He's on medication now, which is helping him keep his food down, but the vet said it could be Addison's Disease (easy to treat); Myasthenia Gravis (harder to diagnose and very rare in dogs), secondary to brain cancer or lymphoma, or a neurological disorder.   Last week he regurgitated everything he ate or drank; I don't know if I'm up to dealing with a sick dog after watching my husband die, but he's so sweet, and we are so attached to each other - he's a rescue we got in October last year before we knew my husband wasn't going to make it.  My little dog, Calvin, looks at me with his big brown eyes with so much trust and love, I feel like such a rat even thinking I may have to give him up, but I spent $3000 last week alone just on diagnostics, and we aren't finished.  I finally got him pet insurance, but it won't take effect until this Thursday, and this will be considered a preexisting condition because it started during the waiting period!  Maybe I can sue for coverage... 

Anyway, it's hard.  He's so traumatized by all the vet visits and a tests they did, when we drove up today, in the car he was trembling before I even turned off the motor!  My poor baby!  I just don't know what to do.  I don't think I can bear another loss. 

 

Comment by Cynthia Horacek on May 3, 2011 at 6:05pm

Barbara, I'm with you!

Natalie -my husband died from colon cancer, but he lived with Crohn's Disease for over 30 years and watching the effects of the cancer wasn't much different from seeing the suffering from the Crohn's; I hope that doesn't sound cold or anything; he was my one true love, my best friend and support and my heart.  I would do anything to have him back, whole and healthy.  So when he started losing weight before the diagnosis, we didn't think much about it except that it was probably a Crohn's flare up; well, guess we were wrong.  He was actually doing pretty well and we thought he'd beat it, but it suddenly spread to his liver and his bone marrow practically overnight; we got the prognosis after a bone marrow biopsy and he died within the week.  It was hard those last few days because I begged the dr. for morphine and he wanted to try fentanyl first; it didn't work, and by the time we got the morphine, it had very little effect.  So I called my brother who is a dr., and he told me how to give him the morphine more often at a smaller dose and what to watch for.  He died after the 6th dose.  He suddenly was lucid for one moment - I had been telling him it was okay to go; to look for his mom who passed in 2001, and she was waiting for him.  Suddenly he said, "well, I guess so" and he cried two tears, took two breaths and was gone.  I just laid down and held him until they mortuary came for him. 

Yes it is the hardest thing we have to do in life - to watch someone we love die.  Death is part of life; it's the one part we all have to face weather it's our own or someone else's.  There are several good books out there.  If you can't find a support group, this is a good place to come to.  An individual therapist can also be very helpful when you are going through something like this - but a GOOD therapist who won't try to make it better or fix it because unless you've been there, you have no idea what it's like.  I'm so sorry your mom is having such a bad time. Is she getting any medication at all?  My husband finally gave in and smoked some pot to help with the nausea; and it actually did help when none of the medications did!  It's worth a try if you have it available in your state.  My husband got a prescription from his dr.; we're in California.  

Hang in there.  I'm sending you lots of hugs and positive energy!

 

Comment by Natalie Westby on May 3, 2011 at 5:26pm

My mom is dying of colon cancer.  Its so heart breaking to watch her decline.  Reading other peoples stories on this site helps me so much, because I've been unable to join a support group in person because of scheduling issues.  She's been having a bad go of it lately, she's been vomiting everyday and is having trouble digesting solid foods.  I hate to see her like this.  Its hard watching someone you love waste away to nothing. It hurts so bad.

  Its true what they say, to love someone is to acknowledge that one day you'll lose them.  I suppose its the risk we take when we love.

Comment by Barbra Ingrassia Fairman on May 3, 2011 at 4:40pm

I HATE CANCER. WISH THEY CAN KILL CANCER LIKE THEY KILLED THAT RAT BIN LADEN. SHOOT IT RIGHT IN THE HEAD....NOW THAT WOULD MAKE ME HAPPY...KILL CANCER

 

Comment by Rachel Lynn Schuler on April 29, 2011 at 1:37pm

I havent written in awhile....my own health has taken a turn because of my grief, unexpectedly, but it will be ok....i started to not take care of myself as I should, I dont let myself go to that dark place, i am trying my best to find happiness somehow....i met someone whose mother died of the same circumstances, it was kind of interesting....almost like we were twins, sharing the same thing.....mother's day is coming, but I'm not worried...Easter was ok....I am trying to be optimistic......

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