Comment

Comment by Jan Duvenage on July 28, 2011 at 4:41am

Joseph, as long as there is a glimmer of hope things are on the up. I do know how you feel and can only say take everyday as it comes, no one can tell you when and how things will get better it's up to you to fight the feelings of despair,anger,loneliness and fear by having a good cry and leting all those emotions come out. No amount of talking or hoping for some kind of comfort from other people is going to take away the hurt you feel. Venting on here or just getting support from other wonderfull people on here certainly does help. We all are brought together by the loss of kindred spirits and people in our lives, please talk it out before doing anything irrational as we as a group can help each other through community strength and togetherness.
Peace my friend and keep us posted.

Comment by Joseph Weston on July 28, 2011 at 1:59am

Not a lot of hope in sight, but, at least, some direction. I think I've been guided to a solution. The next day or so will provide, hopefully, the rest of the info. I'll try to keep things posted.... no promises.

 

I just can't wait to hold her again.

Comment by Cynthia Horacek on July 25, 2011 at 7:26pm

I have to agree with Jeanne and Arielle.  I talk to Don; I just look at his picture and talk.  Or sometimes I talk to him when his picture isn't right in front of me.  

Today in therapy, I actually said that "I'm not seeing my grieving as a full time activity anymore..." which was actually very positive.  Yes, I want my Don back; yes I'd do anything to make it happen, but I know it can't.  I ache for him, I'm lonely and I can't imagine ever, ever being with another man.  But I am starting to feel that I need something goal-directed to make use of my time with.  I'm trying to relax, learn to alleviate my stress, to be more mindful and be open to the answers that are out there somewhere.   I just need to find them.  And as much as some of us would like it not to, life does go on.  But working with your feelings, expressing them, talking to the walls, or whatever, developing rituals, whatever works for you - it does help.  Please hang in there.  Your daughter needs you.  

 

Comment by Arielle on July 25, 2011 at 7:13pm

Mercy I agree with Jeanne. I understand that the world seems like a scary, chaotic place when something like this happens. It doesn't make sense and it makes you feel like, if this can happen anything terrible can happen at any time.

I went through a very difficult time about six months after my brother passed. I started having panic attacks, and then the panic just wouldn't go away. I couldn't stop thinking about how terrible he suffered, how poorly he was treated at the hospital, horrible images and memories burned into my brain that I could not turn off.

I had already been seeing a therapist once a week but I realized I need more help. I was scared that I was really losing control, worried that I would never get out from under this horrible cloud that had descended on me. I have never been so scared in my life. So I immediately made an appointment with a psychiatrist. She diagnosed me as having PTSD and panic disorder. And she totally validated everything I was saying and feeling and assured me that in time I will find a new normal and although life will never be the same without my brother and you never truly "get over it" you do find a way to go on.

I started taking an anti-depressant and an anti-anxiety medication. It helped right away. I'm not the kind of person to rely on pills for the rest of my life, but I know that I could not go on right now without this help. I also have a young child and there is no way I could take care of him in the condition I was in.

There are so many options out there for support and help. You just have to pick up the phone and make some calls to figure out the right course of action.

I don't know if time heals. I think that time allows us to come to terms with the loss, and figure out how to live with it. And although I'm not religious or even particularly spiritual I do get this strong feeling sometimes that I will see my brother again one day, that all of the memories and the love we had between us, and all of the suffering he and all of us left behind have endured could not be for nothing.

Oh, and one last thing. If you haven't tried it already, something that sometimes helps me to alleviate some heavy feelings is to actually speak out loud to my brother. I like to do this in the car, looking straight ahead, talking as if he were sitting right there next to me. You might surprise yourself with what you need to say.

Take care.

Comment by Jeanne Potter on July 25, 2011 at 6:45pm

Mercy, I am really worried about you. I know you miss your mom terribly but if you feel that you really want to be dead, you need to seek help. You have a baby that needs and loves you and she would be in  the same situation you are now if you were to do something rash. Please seek professional help! Even if you need to be hospitalized briefly please get help.

I miss my husband terribly, it is just 7 months but never have I wanted to die. Hurray for me right. I cry everyday and cannot imagine the future without him, but know I must go on. The way you are talking is very concerning. We all grieve in different ways and different time frames. Who knows how long it may be, I don't think it ever goes away, but you need to go on living and get stronger for you and the rest of your loved ones. Please contact a help line and tell them what you are feeling!!!!! They will help you if you let them. You are in my prayers.

Comment by Cynthia Horacek on July 25, 2011 at 1:42pm

Mercy - it is so normal to want the pain to stop!  So do you want the pain to stop, or do you really want to be dead?  Think about your children and family and friends who love you.  I DO understand.  There have been many days I've looked at my sleeping "cocktail" of drugs and wonder how much would I need to take to not wake up?  And then I think, would my Don want that?  No.  What would my daughters, my parents and my loved ones go through if I did that?  I have to assume because you are on here, you aren't actually going to commit a suicidal act.  But it the feelings are overwhelming you, please seek immediate help.  You are in the world for a reason - I truly believe that.  We may not all know what our reason is, but there is one.  But that doesn't mean I don't have melt downs, any just lay on the bed sobbing so much it physically hurts and I'm hoarse all the next day, and I just keep thinking, I want to die; G-d, please take me, too... 

 

Don has been in my dreams almost every night.  I am suddenly have an attack of insomnia even with my "cocktail" and my hypnosis cd (which is the great; the best one I've found).  I wake up wondering where he is and what he's doing and why isn't he here in bed with me, where he belongs?  It's not like I forget he's dead; it's just weird that I feel him so present that I wonder where he is.  He's out of pain, he's not suffering, and I know he's still around me, watching me.  Someday we'll all evolve to the point where we can telepathically communicate with those who have left this world for another; but that day is so far off, we won't be here to see it.  Then there are those who can do that... they call themselves "mediums" or "psychics."  I wouldn't believe in that, except my daughter was psychic when she was little (too long a story), and my other daughter and I always seem to call one another when the other is just getting ready to call.  My mom and I always seem to know what each of us is going to say - still, even since I've grown up and am almost 60 years old!  I do believe we all have a "sixth sense;" we just don't all know how to keep it active.  

I wish you all a lot of peace and healing and good things.  This is all so hard; and it sucks. 

Comment by mercy on July 25, 2011 at 12:59pm

Natalie, you and Sue have taken words out of my mouth. I feel the same way, I'm angry and just want to die, thats all. I just want to die.

Comment by mercy on July 25, 2011 at 12:53pm

Sue; I'm having the same feelings as you. I just want to get out of this body and be with mom. The last three days were the worst. There were so many triggers and all I could do was cry. I have a 21 month old and she brings me comfort but no matter how much I love her, I don't want to be in this world. I mistakenly took sleeping pills overdose and it occured to me that I could die. I was so happy to know I could die and end the pain but that was not to be. I really don't want to be alive, living is punishment; a nightmare.

Comment by Cynthia Horacek on July 24, 2011 at 5:36pm

Dear Joseph -  I don't know where you live, but 9 years together might have given you some rights, at least as a business partner.  You might want to check into Common Law marriage and see if your relationship qualified.  You must have some rights to that property.  I know it's not the material things you want, but there's also about what you need just to go on being able to live and earn a living.  Good luck.

 

Comment by Joseph Weston on July 24, 2011 at 4:46pm

End of week 1 with no vehicle. The kids took both for "assessment"  prior to settling the estate. I'm told it will be another month until that happens. I have to move in 7 days. I can't go get boxes to pack, or look for a place to live without one. Guess I'm just f'd.

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