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Comment by michael sandoval on September 3, 2011 at 10:39pm

Dear Marianne,

please accept my sincere condolences. Believe me I understand the diffuculty of dealing with the loss of a loved one. This month will be two months since I lost my Denise. I am so lost without her. We were to be married. Instead I attended het funerial. My heart goes put to yo as I shed my own tears for my baby. With love, your friend,
SriMukunda dasa

Comment by Anne Delina Johnson on September 3, 2011 at 10:14pm

Mariann,

  Please remember that to hold on to the best part of your daughter, is to celebrate her life. Never forget her memories, and in time, the pain will ease. I promise, you will heal, and for each of us in our own way , a sign will be given that it is ok to live again.

Comment by Mariann Plourde on September 3, 2011 at 9:14pm

 God help me be stronger........................

Comment by Mariann Plourde on September 3, 2011 at 9:11pm

I miss my Daughter soo much.I try to be strong but it still seems like a dream.I miss her miss her calls her laugh her sarcasium.I miss HER..why why did she have to have Cancer why one not curable.....I read and pray to God everyday try to be strong in front of others yet I feel like i'm drowning in sorrow some days ..I drive and sometimes not sure how I got there.She is on my mind all the time

 

Comment by Cynthia Horacek on August 30, 2011 at 3:32pm

Jeanne: thank you so much for your words of wisdom, advice and comfort.  I told my brother - the attorney - that I just can't do it all by myself; my oldest brother and his wife live in Arizona but manage to make the 7 hour drive to L.A. as often as they can get away, and they both were very helpful during my husband's illness, just by telling me not to worry about my parents and just take care of Don; now they're still a huge help when I need them all I have to do is call, and they understand the pressure I feel and that I'm overwhelmed.  My third brother lives in Indiana and really can't afford to make the trip out  here very often.  I'm planning on relocating if my house ever gets sold!  I need a more affordable place to live where the cost of living is lower, and I told my mom and dad I'm going to be moving when the house sells, so they will have to have help in the house.  I'm not going to let anyone guilt me into staying here.  I have a daughter with two children nearby, and yes, it will be hard to move away and not see them as much, but I have another daughter getting married who will eventually have children, and I have no idea where she'll end up eventually; they said they didn't want to stay in NY for long; it's a temporary location for them, but I'm not going to wait around and see where they go, or pick up and follow them around the country!  So I have my life and my plans; but a sibling conference call or meeting is a good idea, and we've discussed having a conference call about my parents.  My oldest brother is a physician, and he's also had it with my dad being a "rageaholic" and a bully; he said he called and my dad climbed all over him about a decision we'd made to get my mom to see a doctor, finally I talked her into it, and my dad just squashed the idea; so my brother said he won't be talked to that way anymore, and if my dad wants to talk to him, he can call him (my brother). So good for him.  That's how I feel.  When I ask my brother who is in Northern CA for help, he just discounts whatever I say... he doesn't get it, and I've realized that even when I tried to explain it, he just doesn't get it, and family is not a priority for him, and he's got that narcissistic streak that just makes it impossible.  So I'm done with the drama.  They can do whatever they want - help, no help; trust, no trust - I have my own problems.  

So thank you all, for the support and kind words, and we are looking forward to the wedding and I'm just concentrating on that.  I feel exhausted and drained, and it's just too much drama and emotion dragging me down.  I know Don will be with us at the wedding; I think he's with me a lot of the time.  Thank you all again.

Comment by Jeanne Potter on August 30, 2011 at 2:45pm

Hi Cynthia, seems like I am a little late to the party, most everything I believe was already said by these smart ladies. I would just like to add that when you mention that your father is a bully and probably more now than ever since he feels his independence slipping away, it reminds me of what you are saying about your brother the big shot attorney. Perhaps after the wedding is over you can call a family meeting with your siblings and let them know that you will only be able to do so much for your parents and that you need to make a schedule of what all of you can do and can't do. Don't let him bully you like your father is bullying your mom. On that subject, I would think that the time may have come that your father cannot call the shots about his care and your mother must get the help she needs. As a caregiver you know how much it is taking from her and at her age it is so much harder. I understand that is why you do what you do for them, but you have siblings and they need to act like it.

I am sure your daughter will have a wonderful day and everyone will have a great time. Wait til the dust settles and bring this up if you agree, but stand your ground for you and your mothers sake. You deserve a break after all you have been through.

I am sure that all of us did everything we could for our loved ones and I believe they all feel blessed that they had us there as we felt blessed that we had them as long as we could. Never doubt it, nothing good can come from even thinking about it. Have a great wedding and know that Don will be right there next to you as he always will be.

Comment by Cynthia Horacek on August 30, 2011 at 10:24am

Barbara, Kathryn and all -

Thank you so much for the kind words and positive thoughts. I know that everything you say is true and I can also relate to what you are saying.  I think I probably make things sound worse than they are; my mom has been a rock for me through all of this, even tho there are times she is having trouble holding it together just due to her age and having to take care of my dad; he just refuses to get any outside help, but she thinks he may be getting more receptive to having someone come it.  I guess I just got set off because he's so unreasonable and I finally realized that's he's just a bully, and I won't be bullied anymore.  I have to let go of some things, and take care of myself like you all said; and yes, this life is mine, and I'm trying to do my best and what Don would want me to do if he could be here to tell me... all of my siblings will be here for the wedding; my oldest brother and his wife have been here for me though everything - they don't live here, but they've made it clear that they are here for me whenever I need to talk or vent or need help with something.  And they live 7 hours away but do visit when they can.  But if anyone knows what I'm going through it's you - all of you who've lost the love of your life and miss the hugs and support and the little touches...But it is what it is, too.  So, I'm just going to be here for my daughter, and try to work on getting her to not take care of me!  She has so much empathy for people; I told her i'm okay, I'm going through my process, and it doesn't mean it's a bad thing, or I'm not okay - it's just part of the process, and she understands about that.  We had an extra boutonniere made for Don and we're just going to quietly put it on a chair and that's what she wanted to do acknowledge that even tho he's gone, he's really still with us if only in our hearts.  So I'm just helping her where she needs help for the final, little touches, and I know the wedding will be a celebration of life, and it will go well.  And again, thank you all so much.  It means a lot to me to have you "here."  Kathryn, I love what you said about trying to incorporate parts of your Robbie into yourself, and do good things; I try to remember what Don would tell me about all of this, and he was always my "voice of reason" when I would get upset and let my buttons get pushed, he was there to remind me to let go of some things.  Barbara, thank you so much for your kind words and reminders that yeah, I have a good heart and I am more than all this s--t!!

Thank you all again.

Comment by Barbra Ingrassia Fairman on August 30, 2011 at 6:17am

Dear Cynthia--my heart goes out to you. When Richie was sick and me and his wife were going back and forth to the NYC (from upstate ny) I had to learn to shut out my familly and take care of myself and my little girl. It wasn't easy but it was survival. I too felt guilty, because I'm the caretaker, the fixer and they all expected me to fix them everyday. It wasn't going to happen. So my advice, let all the guilt go and just take care of yourself. I know this is hard and you've been anticipating this moment for awhile. It's ok if you don't act like the perfect mom,daughter,sister etc... at this moment. This life is about YOU and this is hard and just S..KS. I just want you to know that I have never met you but have gotten to know you though this site, and I love you. You are such a big hearted women and you have the best advice for others. I think Don would be so proud of you.

 

Comment by Kay on August 30, 2011 at 12:38am

Cynthia,  I am so sorry for everything you are going through, it sounds like a lot for you to take on at one time. It is terrible that your siblings are not supporting you right now. I feel that  many people do not have a clue to what grieving people are going through, I call them grief virgins. They are unable to feel  empathy because they have not experienced great love and loss. I hope it helps you to know that  you are not alone, I am also going through similar things lately. My husband died from leukemia 9 months ago today after a 9 year battle . I thought I was doing better emotionally and then Wham, I'm a mess. It was a year ago that he started getting sicker and then became depressed. I took him to doctors, different oncologists and a psychiatrist but he did not want to fight any more and begged me to not fight his decision to go into hospice.  On top of that his family was in denial over everything and kept waiting for me to fix things because "You're the nurse" . Now I keep going over things and wondering if I could have done more to help him. I thought I had resolved these type of tormenting thoughts,   I know realistically that  I did everything I knew to do and that he had a peaceful and pain free death, but I still feel anxious in remembering this time last year.  I miss him so much, like your husband  my Robbie  was a wonderful husband  and a great father and grandpa. I am a better person for having had him in my life and that is what I try to focus on. I try to keep a part of him alive by incorporating the things that I admired most about him in my personality. For example he was generous, always thought the best of people  and was friendly to all the neighbors.    Cynthia, I know this wedding is going to be so hard on you and your daughter, she will not have her father to walk her down the aisle and give her away, that really sucks. Still, I hope and pray that you and your family have  a wonderful wedding  and are able to find peace.  Katie

Comment by Cynthia Horacek on August 29, 2011 at 7:27pm

I just need someplace to let this out and here you all are.  Thank you.  My daughter is here from NYC this week for her wedding on Saturday.  They were actually married in a legal ceremony in NY the week before last, but they wanted to exchange their vows in front of family and friends, and my daughter always wanted to get married in "Nana's" (my mom and dad's) back yard.  My husband and I were married there, in a double ceremony with my oldest brother and his wife.  This coming Saturday is the day, and it is also my mom and dad's 68th wedding anniversary.  I can't believe they haven't killed each other yet...

My parents are 86 and 96.  They still live in the house I grew up in, and that was their plan when they built the place almost 60 years ago - to have a home they could live out their remaining days in.  But my dad is ailing, and my mom takes care of him by herself, and lately when she stressed and tired, she doesn't think very well and can't remember a lot.  For some reason they changed their phone service to Vonage, which is great for technologically minded folks, but that's not my mom and dad!  So I was trying to help them get phone service, and in the process we got my mom a new, simple to use cell phone, and it even has a strap so she can wear it around her neck and not lose it.  Would you believe she called me from the old cell phone the other day because she couldn't find the new one?  I live 30 miles away; I don't know what she thought I could do.    

So anyway, lately I've been having a harder time with my grief; I keep replaying those last few days of Don's live and with hospice and I keep wondering if I did everything I could have and should have to  make his last days more comfortable.  I remember him reaching towards me and it seemed like he was trying to say something, but I didn't know what it was.  All I could do was give him morphine and tell him it was okay to let go.  So I don't know why now, 9 months later, I keep questioning myself about it.  I have three brothers, but I'm the only one who lives "in town" sort of near my parents; but this is Los Angeles, and a 30 mile drive can take upwards of an hour on the freeways; Saturday my daughter and were over there and it took us 2 hours to get back home!   So my brother's assume that I'll take care of things because I'm "here."  I called one of my brothers last week for help with the phone company, and he "didn't have time" because he's a big shot lawyer (yeah, right) and had deadlines.  That's the way he's been all year whenever I've asked him for help with my parents; he doesn't have time.  Today my daughter and I were at their house meeting with the photographer for the wedding, and then my mom needed help for something with the phone or something, and then there was this paper they had to sign for the attorney who is redoing their trust, and my dad was refusing the sign the papers until my big shot lawyer could look at it.  He started yelling at me because I told him it was just the client/attorney agreement they needed to sign that they agreed to the attorney's policies, and he started yelling at me and saying something about my brother being a trustee on the trust... but I said he's not an estate attorney and doesn't do this type of stuff, and my dad went off and I just couldn't take it anymore, and I just left.  Then I felt really bad because I had doing that to my mom, especially because she's exhausted and not thinking real straight, and my dad is such a bully, and my daughter wanted to lay in the sun and swim today (they have a beautiful pool) and I said I just had to get out of there.  When I talk to her about her dad, she gets upset, well, of course she does... but I need to vent about this and I don't want to put this on her during this week before her wedding; it's supposed to be a happy time and she should be basking in the pre-wedding glow... I'm so sorry; I'm just babbling on and on; my therapist is out of town and I just don't know who to call to vent to, although I have a lot of friends who would listen; it's hard for me to do that.  And then there's all this drama between my two daughters because the one who lives nearby and is already married and two little boys has a husband who's a real jerk, and he threatened my younger daughter's then-fiancee, and they don't want him at the wedding, so he's not invited.  Oy.  I told them both I'm staying out of that one.  I don't know why my grief is suddenly bringing that big wave back now of all times; maybe it's because I'm remembering when we got married, and how wonderful  he was and what our almost 32 years together were like; he was just the best husband in the world.  He was so very good to me, and sensitive and loving and understanding, and such a great dad.  And I just miss him so much; knowing I'll never feel his arms around me and he isn't here to share in our daughter's joy... well, it just sucks.  The whole f-ing thing sucks.  And I told my family that I am the one among all of us - my brothers and myself - who is currently the least able to deal with my parents, emotionally, but just because I'm the only one who hasn't moved away - yet - it all falls on me.  I know I have to disengage, and not let them do this to me; it's my issue, it's my responsibility to take care of myself, but damn, it's so hard right  now.  

Thanks, everyone, for giving me a place to let it out.  Big breath!

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