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Comment by mercy on November 13, 2011 at 3:23pm

Laura; I know the feeling of a broken record. I keep repeating the same words to my family and friends, telling them how I feel over and over again. There’s a void that will never be filled by anyone. My moms best friend also passed away a week ago, she was like a second mother to me. I feel so alone and my connection to mom is also gone forever. I wish we had chosen a different treatment for my mom too. There are so many ifs and would haves that I play over and over in my mind. There are words that mom said that bring me comfort these days, she told me life and death are in Gods hands so maybe nothing I would have done would have made a difference?

Comment by mercy on November 13, 2011 at 3:15pm

I'm happy for you Cynthia, I hope the house sells fast.

Comment by mercy on November 13, 2011 at 2:55pm

Mike; I’m so sorry about your loss. I can understand totally. I lost an ex boyfriend in 2008 and I’m still grieving his loss. We were planning to get back together when he passed away. I can say without a doubt he was my soul mate. Some people don’t understand how we can grieve someone for years, but it’s totally possible. I’ve known people who die of a broken heart long after their loved ones have passed. I’m here for you if you need to talk. Hugs to you.

Comment by Cynthia Horacek on November 13, 2011 at 12:56pm

I am reading these posts this morning, the day after the one year "anniversary" of my beloved Don's death. Yesterday was not the day I anticipated... I didn't cry or mope around; I think I did that Friday, just as I grieved before he died when we were told he had a few days to a few weeks last year - and it was a just a few days as it turned out.  I have spent a lot of time the past few months reliving his last days, as if I needed to obsess on it; maybe my brain just needed to rework it.  I can tell you this; I allowed myself to grieve when I need to grieve, no matter if I was at home, driving, having a massage, with friends, or whatever.  The tears would come and I'd let them. There were days I just canceled everything and stayed home and cried and sobbed and yelled and yes, got angry at Don for leaving me.  I know that by not fighting the grief, it works it way up and eventually out - although I know that it will always be with me because that what it does.  My oldest daughter told me in September, at her sisters wedding, that the wedding brought up how much she missed her dad, and she thought then that she never really did grief for him, and it's coming out now.  Her sister, on the other hand, pretty much went through it all year, and we all talked together about how we were were going to spend yesterday - even though we are at opposite ends of the country.  I was going to drive up the coast (I'm in Southern California) and spread some of his ashes on the beach; but it was such a grey cloudy day, and rainy, that I decided to stay home.  I took myself out for lunch, and I ate what I thought he might have eaten if he'd been with me.  (And I ate too much!)  My younger daughter is in NY; she and her new husband spent the day outdoors, she watched some t.v. and made soup in her slow cooker; and it sounded like  soup her dad would have liked.  My older daughter and her husband took the kids to Disneyland - she said it wasn't raining, but it was grey and cold, but she wanted to celebrate her dad's life.  

I'm sorry this is getting so long.  What I'm trying to do here is to offer hope.  I do know how it feels in the beginning - I've been there.  As caregivers, we question: Did I do all I could?  Did I ask the right questions?  Should I have taken him somewhere else or to more/less/different doctors?  And we can make ourselves crazy with those questions.  

When we lose someone we love it hurts.  Deeply.  We feel like that hurt will never go away.  But, and speaking for myself, the hurt isn't as deep as it was.  Will I ever get over this?  Probably not.  Don was truly my soul mate.  He was the father of my wonderful children, and he was a wonderful father and a better husband. But somehow I keep waking up each day; and yes, there are still days I wish I didn't.  And there are still times I wish G-d or whatever power that there is would just find a way to take me now so I could be with him.  My purpose here is gone - I don't know what it is, even as I look for one.  My daughter wrote me a beautiful card after her dad died and she was back in NYC - she suggested that maybe she can be my purpose now - even though she is married and grown, she still needs Mom.  And that's okay.  But it's not the same. And yes, I miss him daily.  I'm afraid I'll forget what his voice sounded like, what it was like when he held me and kissed me.  The feel of his lips on mine.  And I don't want to forget that.  But yesterday I realized how long it's been since I've experienced that kiss; that passion and love, and yes, I miss it so much it hurts.  But somehow, I just keep going.  One foot in front of the other. But, damn, I feel so lonely. 

Comment by Laura Salefski on November 13, 2011 at 10:27am

Well, the sun did come up, I know because I watched it. It is so difficult for me to sleep. Somedays I want to sell the house and move somewhere where there are no memories of Jon. Other days I can't stand the thought of being away from "him". I know I sound like a broken record, but I continue wonder, "what if we had chosen the other treatment?" I feel like I failed him by telling the doctor that last day he has had enough. I just hope he knows I said stop put of love.

Comment by Eliza Butler on November 13, 2011 at 7:25am

Hello All,

I recently lost my mom to Mesothelioma.  She had Lukemia for years, but once this was diagnosed it was all down hill...no relief in site.  I'm 24 and lost both parents (my dad was shot when I was 17).  There are days I just want to stay in bed and sleep.  I try to keep busy, but I feel I'm not allowing myself to grieve.  I don't know what to do...I dont' even have my mom to give me advice.

Comment by Melissa Broome on November 13, 2011 at 3:03am

Laura,

I'm so sorry for your loss..That sounds like a nice song I don't think I have ever heard it though. I hope you can find peace in knowing you will be with him again some day this is not the end but the beginning.  I know how hard it is to adjust your whole life after losing someone so special to you. I mean I know it's a different type of love...But I know all to well what it's like to have that person you care about so much be ripped from your life so quickly. I'm so very sorry. But we all will carry on..Because we have to..life goes on with or without us. It's been going on without me for 6 months. I just now started being a part of my own life again. I hope you continue to have good days.. it gives me hope that things will get a little easier during time. I know we will never get over this loss we have had but we do get used to it enough to carry on. I know that's what my mom would want me to do but it's so hard.

Big hugs to you,

Melissa

Comment by Laura Salefski on November 13, 2011 at 2:25am

There is an old song I think by Bobby Goldsboro that keeps going through my head tonight. The chorus says " and honey I miss you, and I'm being good. So I can be with you, if only I could." I feel that way about Jon. There are things happening in our lives that I don't know how to fix without him. But I'm trying because I know he would want it that way.

Comment by Melissa Broome on November 13, 2011 at 12:14am

Laura and Anna I agree my husbands father passed when he was only 17 his dad was 41..It was very hard on him since then he lost both his grandmothers from various types of cancer..Then we lost my mom...my aunt...my grandfather and his grandfather as well..So many losses

Hugs to you both

Melissa

Comment by Laura Salefski on November 13, 2011 at 12:03am

Melanoma is the devil himself in the skin of cancer. The only analogy I could come up with. It is sneaky, it hides as other things, and then when you let you guard down it take up residence with a vengeance

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