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Comment by Jun White on October 14, 2011 at 9:53pm

Sue, Suzanne -- This is the first time I experienced someone so close to me die.  We don't talk much about death here in the States, when Mom decided to go back to China where she was born to spend the rest of her days, I got to experiece the culture dealing with death for the first time.  After learning what the "bone picking ceremony" was, I went bananas!  I am so traumatized on top of everything else!

Comment by Sue Waxman on October 14, 2011 at 10:16am

Hi Jun,

I understand exactly how you feel. All of us on the site do. I have so many things I would say to my mom that I wish I had. She died with me holding her hand and caressing her cheek. As much as I am greatful to have been there for her passing to the next world, it haunts me all of the time like it does you. To watch the life drain out of your moms life is beyond explanation. I see my moms face inside of my head all the time. She is healthy and happy and we are laughing...then I remember her being so sick and suffering so damn much and I cry. Yes..it seems life does go on...but I am like you ...I want my mom. Mom died June 26th. It seems forever ago that I held her sweet hand and told her "Mom it's ok to to God" and she did. I am forever changed without her beside me. Your friend Sue

Comment by Suzanne Davis on October 14, 2011 at 10:11am

Jun - I totally understand.  It is a void that words can not possibly explain.  My mom was fun, happy, and very energetic.  She became sick then I took her home got Hospice and she only lived for 21 days.  I am deeply grateful for Hospice because my mom was very medicated and laughing plus she did not really know what was happening.  She died in my arms and as she took her last breath - I swear I died with her at that moment.  It makes me crazy when people say, "oh it will get better with time"  WRONG.  It does not get better with time.  Now with the holidays it is the worst time for me.  No Thanksgiving, no Christmas - no holiday will ever be the same without her beautiful presence. She was my life and my world. xo

Comment by Jun White on October 14, 2011 at 9:53am

Suzanne, I felt the same way.  My Mom never appeared in my dreams. I don't see her, hear her, or dream of her.   I so want to have the opportunity to talk to her and see her again.  The image of her dying is so vivid in my mind, she was conscious throughout and she didn't want to die.

 

We live in a world where everything is so easily replaced; I don't know how to deal when someone close to me is PERMANENTLY gone. 7 weeks ago, she was a living, breathing human being; today, she is nowhere to be found.

Comment by Suzanne Davis on October 14, 2011 at 8:23am

Some you mention seeing your mother, dreaming about her, and having these events with her.  I would give anything for that to happen to me.  I don't see her, hear her, or dream of her.  Why?  Why don't I get to see the love of my life.  It is truly like I am a walking zombie just going through the motions of life.  The other day, I saw a woman from the side and she looked like my mommy.  My heart stopped and I starting runnning towards her.  Then, I just began to cry uncontrollably and had to just get myself to the car.  It is just horrible.  Those moments trigger grief in a torturous way.  I need my mom back.  I don't want life without her.

 

Comment by Suzanne Davis on October 14, 2011 at 7:54am

Denise - that is a great poem.  Thank you for sharing it.

Comment by Cindi B on October 13, 2011 at 11:16am

Denise, That is a beautiful poem! It's really nice.

Amy, I know what you mean. My Mom was a hoarder too. I have about 8 boxes of stuff in my kitchen that I haven't been able to actually go though yet. There was so much stuff when cleaning out her house that it was hard to just take a few things, because even though most of the stuff didn't mean anything to me, it obviously meant something to her and it was hard just getting rid of her things. Thanks for sharing.

Comment by Amy Kolacz on October 13, 2011 at 2:31am

I write this for me not sympathy but if you find comfort of some kind I have done my job.  I lost my mom 12/15 last year it hasnt even been a year and I'm not doing well.  I was doing well until I reached october, the first ever without her.  My Mom was a horder but I forgave her for it because of the reasons behind it she needed things to feel safe and I know now I couldnt save her from them and yet I miss her so bad right now I wish I could have saved a few more things of hers of ours.  I live in her old house but it had to be totally redone and its just not the same place, good or bad. I sit here at 3am like so many like me missing her so bad life hurts...it just hurts.  Will it be better next year, I hope so but I don;t count on time to make it so, I can only count on me and yet can I do it, I don't know, I truly don't.  I try for my new husband because he deserves the best of me and yet I can only give him this I dont even have a name for it.  He loved my Mom too because before her hoarding she was an amazing woman of streangth, acomplishments and love, she broke down walls and lived every day to its fullest even if she didnt know it and I miss her , missed her even before she officially died because some Moms die before their bodies do.  So to all out there please live, no matter how bad it hurts..and I'll try too.  for my mom for yours and for ourselves.  My thoughts are with you, me and everyone in between.....

Comment by Denise Murphy on October 12, 2011 at 8:21pm

This is a nice poem that comforts me when I'm feeling lonely without my mom.

 

Mom, I need to talk to you

Some things I need to say

I thank the good Lord up above

For you everyday.



I think of times when as a child

I took your love for granted

But at this painful time in life

I feel the seeds you planted.



The seeds of strength, you placed in me

Are grown and now in bloom

Although alone, I face today

Your strength is in this room.



The seeds of faith, you gave to me

Have flourished, and have stayed

As you instructed long ago

When feeling weak, I've prayed.



The seeds of love you planted deep

And nourished them with care

You watered them with many tears

And blessed them with your prayers.



So Mom, I want to thank you now

YOU are Gods greatest art

for giving me these fruits of love

Forever in my Heart  Unknown

Comment by Kathy Harrison on October 11, 2011 at 11:15am

Elaine, The night my mom died, my daughter, Lisa was at my house. Mom had been out of it for nearly a week. At one point Lisa looked up and saw her grandmother standing (mom had been in a wheelchair for years) in the doorway. She told me that Mom was smiling this beautiful smile, holding her bag and waving. An hour later Mama was gone. I truly believe that you will see and/or hear from your mom when you least expect it.

A line from one of Mama's favorite poems is "love is stronger than death." I hold onto that like a drowning woman in rough seas.

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