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Comment by Storyas Fawnfeather on April 21, 2012 at 9:32am

Steacy - your mom will see the baby.  My mom was do definitely there when my niece had her baby.  Everyone felt her.  The nurses who didn't even know my mom's name kept calling the baby that was on it's way by my mom's name.  And, my mom's birthday was 2/23 and the baby was born at 2:23 pm.  We felt my mom around the baby a lot.  And, when Chloe (my grand-niece and my mom's great granddaughter) got old enough to talk and walk, she would see my mom in their house.  Once she chased "the lady" down the hall and when my niece went to Chloe's room to see what was happening, Chloe said that she saw a lady and was trying to catch her before she left.  She described the lady, and the lady looked like my mom.

Comment by Storyas Fawnfeather on April 21, 2012 at 9:30am

Steacy - Stacy, do you feel your husband is being selfish because he doesn't understand your grief or because he is not helping you through the pregnancy or both or something else entirely?  I don't know your husband or his reasons, so I don't know much what to say.  But, I do know that after my dad died - just three days after - I was sitting on the couch watching a movie with my husband, and I started crying.  He said to me, "You can't use your dad dying as an excuse forever."  I went to a local grief support group the next week, and a lady there told me to leave my husband cuz he wasn't supportive.  The moderator pulled me aside afterwards and said, "You can't listen to her.  She thinks she has your best interest at heart, but you can't ever tell anyone to leave their husband.  She told me that sometimes men, and even some women, have a really hard time with grief.  They don't know how to deal with it, so they don't do it or do it wrong, and then their wife ends up being really hurt.  But, that doesn't mean the husband doesn't love them.  She told me to hold onto the good in my husband and find my support with grief in grief support groups until he could handle my grief or I didn't need his help any more cuz i was healing.  She also told me to never make a decision like divorce or any major life decision when you are grieving.  So, I listened to her.  My dad died one year ago - I just looked up at the calendar on my computer - it was actually one year ago today that he died.  Four thirty this morning was one year since he died.  Well, my husband still is horrible at handling grief.  I just looked at him when I realized it had been a year and said, "My dad died one year ago today" and he said, "I'm sorry" without even stopping what he was doing or looking at me.  He stinks at handling grief.  But, he does offer a lot of other good things, so I just need to stop expecting him to be there for my grief, because he doesn't know how.  He is an engineer, and he just doesn't know how.  But, the moderator of that group was right - he has other good things to offer me but helping me through my grief is just beyond him, so I find that support other places.  But, I don't know your husband.  If it is something more severe than that like abuse or anything that could bring harm to you, you really should talk to a counselor and get help.  I just don't know the details of your problem, so all I know to do is share what happened in my situation.  Best wishes on the new baby.

Comment by steacy del valle on April 21, 2012 at 8:45am

im sad because im pregnant again and my mom will never see this child. i need her to helpme getthrough this since my husband isnt anyhelp and he is being very selfish. my mom died on may 14, 2010 and this year its the day after mothers day and im really not looking forward to it.

Comment by Storyas Fawnfeather on April 20, 2012 at 6:41pm

Tracey/Linda/Sandra - thank you all for sharing what you are going through.  We are all so similar.  Linda - caregiving is so hard.  You have earned your wings in heaven by doing it for 18 years.  I did it for about ten years, but my mom didn't get really bad until the end.  And, then I had a few years where my dad wasn't really bad and we could still go out and do stuff.  The only time it was really bad like what you went through with changing accidents and stuff was the last month of my mom's life and then the last two or three years of my dad's life.  It sounds like it was that hard for you the entire 18 years, and I'm not sure how you did it.  You must be so tired on top of your grief.  But, that is not to take away from anyone.  It sounds like we were all caregivers, and no matter how long you do it - even if it is a shorter time than 18 years - it takes everything you have and is exhausting emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically - and you are never ever the same again after you have been through the experience.  It's like you are more aware of life and death for ever as well as more wise in many ways.  It changes you.  You can never go back to the naivety you might have had before the experience.   And, Linda, I've been through what you've been through.  My dad got so close to death and snapped back so many times that the last time I did not believe he would die, so I didn't stay with him that night - and that is the night he didn't pull through and died.  I will never forgive myself for that.  And, I go through that feeling (a little less each year) of being angry at people I see out with their mothers.  I think - it's not fair.  You've got your mom.  I don't.  It's not fair.  And, when I see someone out with their elderly mother being impatient or something with their mom, I want to tell them off and remind them how lucky they are to still have her, but I know it's not my business.  Also, like you Sandra, when I see older people who don't have the health problems, I get upset with them cuz I think it's not fair that my parents didn't have good health in old age.  And, I've thought about volunteering at the nursing homes, but I just can't offer that care to these strangers right now when I've lost my mom a while ago and my dad so recently.   Does that make me selfish - well, probably yes, but it is where I am right now, and I need time to get beyond it.

Comment by Linda on April 20, 2012 at 6:01pm

Tracey i always knew one day my.Mama would pass away. So.many times she was on her death bed and the doc's said call your brothers this is it then the nezt day she would wake up and say 'I.am ready to go home 'with so in.the back of my mind I.thought she would pull thru this too.

Comment by Tracey Huth on April 20, 2012 at 5:41pm

Linda and Sandra I feel the exact same way.  I always feel that it is not fair that other people have their mothers and I don't.  My mom was also my best friend in the whole world.  I just don't understand why she was taken away from me. 

Comment by Linda on April 20, 2012 at 2:49pm

Sandra when I see a daughter with her elderly mother it really pisses me off and I feel.resentful. why did my Mama have to die, why cant she be here with me when I need her.... she was my best friend in the whole world and I feel.so alone now

Comment by Sandra Nichols on April 20, 2012 at 8:18am

thank you for replying Linda and Tracey. We all have so many common experiences - and that DOES help me a little. I was my mom's caretaker also for the last year. It was so hard. She had lived with me -i'm estimating about 10 years and we were the best of friends. If I don't get a full 8 hours of sleep i just can't make it. Last night I lost about 4 hours of sleep becaause an elderly neighbor needed some help. She had fallen around 1 am. I helped with the best grace I could, knowing mom would have wanted me to. Some terrible piece of me resents the neighbor for not having all of the health problems mom had and yet being several years older than mom. I feel terrible about that.

Comment by Linda on April 19, 2012 at 8:13pm

I also was my moms caregiver, for 18 years. Thr last coule years she was wheelchair bound, she had COPD, congestive haert failure, diabetes, etc. The last 6couple months she was bedridden and had to be put in diapers. Mom was a very heavy woman and to just clean her after a bowel movrment and she pee'd every couple hours so much she eoukd soak her sheets. She required so much care but I never told complained brcausei love her. With thr help of my daughter it was 3 full time jobs on top of my already full time job. My Mama past away 4 months ago and I just want to sleep most days too

Comment by Tracey Huth on April 19, 2012 at 3:40pm

Sandra,  just want you to know that you are not the only one out there feeling the way you do.  Any chance I get, I sleep.  If i'm not sleeping I am usually crying.  Losing my mom has been very hard to deal with.  I miss her every single day.  It doesn't matter how much sleep I get either, I am always tired.  It is a major struggle to get through every day feeling like this.  

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