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Comment by Douglas on September 9, 2012 at 3:48am

I am sorry for everyone and my heart goes out to everyone. My Mom has been gone for 2 years 3 months and 5 days. I think I am in a perpetual state of mourning. My Mom was my best friend of my entire life. When she passed away, I changed forever. I really cannot deal with this. There have been moments when I am a little better, but losing her was such a loss in so many ways. I knew it would happen one day, but never this soon and never like this.

However, I feel her presence and have seen and experienced things that let me know she is very close and is praying and cheering me on from Heaven! Many experiences have let me know she is still with me in spirit. And I have some of her remains in an urn on the mantlepiece next to the urn of our 1st Black Labrador Retriever who she loved so much. Sorry to write too much. Hugs to everyone.

Comment by Jennifer Blackwood on September 8, 2012 at 9:20pm

Mary, I understand exactly what you mean. People wanted me to be over it when it hit the three month mark..I can't do that! It's been almost eight months now, and I'm no where near over her. I have lost a lot of relationships because I'm not 'better' now. I see a therapist twice a month, and that's pretty much the only time I get out of the house. She said that it usually takes a year, but could be longer, if you are suffering from complicated grief, like I am. My energy level and motivation is so low, that it's so hard just to get out of bed sometimes. Don't feel like a failure, be easy on yourself! You just suffered a great loss..take some time and most importantly take care of you! I have tried to rush the process and it just makes things worse!

Mark, you are right, it seems endless. I don't know how it is with you but with me, it feels as if I'm struggling to breathe 24/7..I feel completely numb and empty all the time! I'm with you, I don't think I'll ever get over it either! People think I'm crazy for having her urn in the house with me, I keep hearing, 'She's not there.' but to me, she is! It brings much comfort to have her here with me!

Lynda, I'm so glad that you have a lot of her artwork and that it brings peace to you! I'm also glad that you feel her around you..that's got to be an amazing feeling! I haven't felt my mom around me, I don't know if it's because I'm so depressed and it won't allow her to come through or what..I sure miss her though!:/

Comment by Mark on September 8, 2012 at 11:04am

My heart goes out to you Mary.  This is one club membership in life I wish I wasn't a member of.  Allow yourself to grieve at your pace.  I'm nearing 9 months since my mom passed and every day there are still emotional challenges.  I'm very good at hiding my feelings in public but privately I often wonder if I can keep going on.  It seems endless.  I'm only in my 40's and my entire immediate family is gone now.  There's a lot of shock in all of it.  My mom's death was gutwrenching for me.  Her bday is also coming up as well.  My mind flips back to last years bday knowing how hard she fought to see it and not really wanting to celebrate it knowing that time honored phrase ( and many more ) was off the table vs all the other bday's where Chinese was a must with a big huge chocolate cake afterwards and friends calling and coming over all day.  I don't think I'm ever going to get over this.

Comment by Mary on September 8, 2012 at 10:48am

So many people act as if I should be through my grieving and going on with life, but its only been 5 1/2 months since my mom passed away.  I went to my doctor yesterday and she assured me that I was normal and grieving is different for everyone and that of course it is normal to be grieving still at 5 1/2 months and that it would likely last a year or so because she said you go through all the special dates and events and you grieve her absence, but you still celebrate those things because your mom loved those celebrations so much and the time with family, family was very important to her and she'd not want you to give up on those because she is gone.  She also confirmed that I grief is normal but when it incapacitates you so that you cannot go about your routine, or sleep, that medical intervention is a good idea, so I allowed her to put me on a mild antidepressant/anti anxiety medication.  I have not been able to sleep since my mom passed, nor have I been able to leave the house much, so I am hoping this will help me.  I feel like such a failure that I can't overcome this myself. 

Comment by Lynda Pool Vonderlage on September 8, 2012 at 10:35am

to me if you feel better with the urn beside you, then that is great, and you don't need the opinion of anyone else, it is what you feel is right for you and thats okay. We buried my Mom's ashes in the plot she wanted to be buried in because it is close to her Mom and Dad and thats what she wanted. I am very lucky that my Mom was an artist, so we have her artwork, paintings, everything she made surrounding us, which brings us peace, and we feel her presence this way, she was very giving, and there isn't one room in my house that doesn't have something she made for me in it, that brings me comfort, and her grave is only a couple miles away. Grave markers are also very very expensive, finding out now, around $4000 for the one we want.

But we can personalize it anyway we want it. I plan to honor my Mother's talents with music notes, and art brushes and flowers, on her marker. I miss my Mom like crazy, it's only been 6 weeks since she passed away, and the days pass, in a blur most of the time. Still just doesn't seem real. Lynda

Comment by Mark on September 7, 2012 at 10:32pm

Thanks guys for letting me know it's not creepy :)  I personally have never felt that way.  In fact,  it may be my one and only comfort dealing with all of this.   There are some personal items of her's I can't even look at or touch because it just opens the floodgates of despair but I always feel comforted knowing her remains are close by and I have them.  I've made it clear to friends when my time comes her remains are to be buried with mine in the plot. 

Comment by Judy on September 7, 2012 at 12:38am

My dad kept the urn of my mother's ashes with him, and I am fine with that. He seems to need them there with him. Mother never wanted to be cremated, but since their plot isn't in the town where they lived, it really didn't make much sense to cart her body through Texas. I have many of her personal things with me, and I guess people think I'm a weirdo for having a little remembrance altar set up. But they'll have to get over it. But to address Mark's initial post, I really don't think it's "creepy" at all to keep your mom's remains with you. In a way, that's her, and it's comforting to have her there with you. I sort of think anything goes when dealing with the death of one's mother. It's probably the most traumatic loss we experience except the loss of a child.

Comment by Jennifer Blackwood on September 6, 2012 at 9:24pm

I don't know if anyone is interested in this but I found this website, that makes bears or pillows out of loved ones clothing..highly considering having a bear made out of one of my mom's scrubs!

http://www.holdingmemories.com/

Comment by Jennifer Blackwood on September 6, 2012 at 8:30pm

Mark, it's not creepy at all! I have my mom in the living room with us. I have no desire to put her anywhere else, I even told my step-dad, that when I get comfortable living by myself, she will go with me. I just feel better that way!

Comment by Mary on September 6, 2012 at 3:01pm

Mark, A lot of people keep the remains of their loved one in the urns at their home.  Some even bury them in their own flower gardens(not legal in all states), but to answer your question Damir, I do go to the cemetery regularly and talk to my mom while I am there cleaning up and maintaining the area around her gravesite.

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