Mark
  • Male
  • Sacramento, CA
  • United States
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About Me:
Nobodys child. My entire family is gone. That sounds so depressing when I read that first part but it's the truth. I use to be one of the most socially dynamic and fun loving guys you'd ever want to meet. It's now been eaten away by all the pain. Maybe in time it will return.
About my Loss:
On Dec 14th 2011 the person I'd given my entire life to died of pancreatic cancer. For me, the year 2011 will forever be known as the year of unimaginable hell. I don't think I slept for those 9 months. I fought as hard as I could trying to take my energy and hand it to her for strength. She tried. God how she tried. It was just heartbreaking. For the first time in my life I truly know what the word Unbearable means. My precious mom who'd endured so much her entire life was brutally taken from me. She wasn't ready to die. She'd fought so hard since the age of 9 to live it was impossible for her to willingly relinquish a battle for her life. Her journey was absolutely amazing. The lifes she inspired were numerous. If there is any good in me it's all because of her. I was the one who was blessed to be chosen her son. I can't believe she's gone. I can't believe the gruesome manner in which she left. I ache day and night over her loss. I hope she is watching me and somehow even if it's just a light breeze she will let me feel her pressence. I'd like that a lot.

Mark's Blog

Today it's 9 months

Well now it's 9 months and counting.   I miss you always and forever times infinity.  This last week has been absolutely amazing.  It started out the same ol same ol it's been these last 9 month's carrying all of the garbage inside and wondering how much longer I can take it and asking over and over why did this all happen.  And then  BAM!  It happened.  The moment I never even remotely thought would happen.  The gift.  A gift that offers me a release from some of the pain.  That portion of…

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Posted on September 14, 2012 at 6:08pm

The Void

I never thought I'd be at this point in my life where I'd actually say I don't think I can take the void much longer.  Your loss and all that has happened really is too much.  It's too final.   This was my biggest fear.  Every horrific nightmare that a person could hope would never happen has happened in less than a year. 

 

Four days ago for the first time I realized in complete clarity I will never see or speak to you again.  EVER.  It's now been 6 months since the moment I…

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Posted on June 18, 2012 at 7:30am — 2 Comments

3:00 a.m. and I can't sleep

Dear Mom, It's one of those nights/mornings.  I fell asleep very tired and in about 2 hours I woke up wide awake.  So here I am with the TV running in the background and my mind bouncing all over the place.  I hate this time of the late night.  It takes me back a few months ago sitting by your bed watching you breath and worrying.   Back then I wondered privately what it would be like once you were gone.  Well, I have my answer.  It's still pure hell.   I'm eating ant acid tablets like candy…

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Posted on April 12, 2012 at 6:30am

I can't believe you're gone

There can't be a God.  If there is I'm convinced he's one lazy sick egotistical entity that just doesn't give a damn.  I miss you so much it feels like someone took a butcher knife and gutted me.  I cannot believe the journey we took and how horrific things turned out.  I will feel forever blessed to have been chosen your son.  It was unique to say the least but to me it was profoundly normal.  I never knew any other life.   I can still see all my friends when I was little asking if they…

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Posted on April 1, 2012 at 7:30pm — 5 Comments

Comment Wall (9 comments)

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At 2:23pm on March 16, 2013, Eliza said…
Hi Mark,

I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss. I, too, lost my mom to pancreatic cancer (in December 2012). It is a terrible, wretched disease that robs people of life so quickly. My dad and I cared for my mom in her last months and it was so heart-wrenchingly sad to watch her waste away before our eyes and know there was nothing we could do to stop it. Losing a mother to this disease is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. My sincerest condolences to you.
At 4:24pm on March 13, 2013, Connie K said…

Hello Mark - I am so sorry for the hell you have been through. I also endured hell with my son in the few years before he passed because of a medical condition he had that nearly ruined his life and made him sad and angry all the time. So I can relate to reliving upsetting fights. I think it is part of working through all the feelings, good and bad. I also endured a horrific childhood  with an abusive father who I share similar feelings about as you do. It was just 3 months ago that my son died and he would have been 18 MARCH 31st. This month is So hard I can hardly breath. The lessons I have learned is that I had to forgive my father for MYSELF - not for him. Your hatred and sadness he caused you will consume you - not him.  It seems you may be blocking yourself from receiving loving information which could help you heal and not feel so bad all the time. Your Mom and Dad no longer hold all the pain they did here on earth and are learning their own lessons on the other side. I have worked with a medium and I have gotten an apology from my Dad and it has helped. I just don't want to give him anymore of my energy. My trauma from my childhood went on to affect my relationship with my son and that was not okay. I regret so much letting that get in the way of me being the best mother I could have been. I should have worked harder on resolving that fear and contempt I carried with me all my life because of his abuse. Now I see what a waste of time and energy it was and wish I had Daniel back so I could show him strength and love only. This is the terribly hard lesson I am learning. I hope I can find some sort of peace as I know that is what Daniel would want. And I bet it's what your Mom would want for you also. Good luck with your soul searching - it is a hard journey - and hopefully you can try to take back your life from all those terrible memories. Also when you see the numbers, are you struggling with a decision? Or wondering if you are doing the right thing? Could be that these numbers are there to tell you your Mom is there for you and could confirm that your decisions are right. I don't know , I just believe that they are an indication that you are not alone, whether you feel anything or not.

With sincere empathy and compassion. Connie

At 9:10am on February 5, 2013, Melisa C said…

Mark I was very close to my mom too. We had only each other since my birth. No parents, no siblings. Now she's gone I have no one to really talk to, to share my life with. We share a life and without her I'm only a fragment of something, don't know what. I understand what you say, her last days I felt I was going through hell taking care of her as I could, no how I would have wanted to. And now I'd give anything to have even those days back.

I'm young as you, but life with mom I never really thought to get ready for a moment when she would not be with me. I lack social skills to meet other people, and I think it may be to late to learn. I don't know if I'm going to be able to make it.

As for you, I would say your mom is proud, wherever she is. You are a strong man and did what you had to do. It doesn't make the pain go away, but you were a great son, remember that always. 

At 6:18pm on January 31, 2013, Emily said…

I'm so sorry............. There is nothing wrong with you  for not wanting strangers, or anyone for that matter to touch your moms stuff......

At 9:24pm on June 19, 2012, Ann said…

I am alone too, no family, my mom was my family.  I don't know why I keep on breathing but I do.

At 12:31am on April 21, 2012, Tim L. said…

Hi Mark,

Thanks for your help, I've chatted with a few people here, but most were dealing with prolonged grief.  This is very new to me, the wound in my heart is still open  I often feel like I'm alone on a desert Island.  I'm trying to find some understanding, I think it helped a little.  Anyway I checked out your profile, we really should keep in touch, Maybe we can help each other, being that we're in the same place things might get easier.  

Thanks,

Tim

At 3:26pm on April 4, 2012, Sue Waxman said…

Dear Mark,

I do understand what you are saying. I am sad that so much has happened to you in your young life. Our paths have crossed for a reason. Maybe somehow we can help eachother in some small way. I don't judge people for how they feel about God. I think it is important to have something spiritual to believe in. What do you think happens when we "die"?

At 1:20pm on April 2, 2012, Sue Waxman said…

Dear Mark,

I am so very sorry for everything you have had to endure. Most of us totally understand where you are coming from. We have felt every ounce of pain you are feeling right now. I am also an orphan and have no family either. Yes, life is full of pain and horrible things that we are forced to experience. You are in the threshold of the worst unmeasurabale pain right now. Been there more than once myself. When our moms (and dads) pass to the next world, it is simply their turn to continue of their journey to a different place. They are not gone. They are still our moms and dads. We are still their sons and daughters. They are just someone else creating a new life there. You will be given permission to go when it is your time. Do you think that this place we now are called earth is all there is to us. This life is such a small piece of what it is all about. Instead of feeling angry and hatred start reading about the next life. Your dad and mom are in a place that is full of only love and greatness. They earned their way there. Be happy for them. It is a much better place Mark. Don't hate God. Just like there is good in the world there is evil. Evil creates cancer, fatal car accidents, drownings, murders. I know so many people that do feel God has abandoned them in their life. Not true. Cancer comes to torture, death comes to relieve that pain and suffering. The ultimate ending of our lives is when and how. If your life is beyond what you can manage right now. Just your entire life over to God. What do you have to loose? I read that your life has been a horrific journey. So...your journey so far has been learning about profound pain. Maybe that is the reason you are still on this planet. To recognize pain and learn from it. When my mother, my only parent passed June 2011 - my life changed and the life I knew GONE. I put my life in Gods hands and it has been bearable, over unbearable because I did that. It is OK to be angry with God. Just don't blame. My mother was my world. I have had to find a way to just be Sue now. Every day I do whatever I can to make her proud of me. When my number is up..I am READY!!!!! But until then, I get the message that God has sent to me. Please accept my friendship and support! Sue

At 11:40am on March 16, 2012, Bob Naples said…

Mark,Ii went through the VERY same thing!Please go to www.victorzammit.com,He's a retired attorney from Sydney Australia,and he has  studied the afterlife for over 20 years using scientific method.There's also a story called"Warning,this show will change your life forever"It's about a man who just lost his wife in a car accident, an the girl next door who tried to do all she could to comfort him.

Please,you need to do this now!!

 
 
 

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