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Comment by Dr S Gh on March 17, 2013 at 9:08pm

I am often shocked by the insensitiveness of other people, including friends. My mum died 6 months ago suddenly from an aneaurysm and one friend who had not wven sent me a card, asked me to sign a condolance card for another mutual friend who had had bereavemnet!! Recently she is bombarding me with emails as her dad has cancer which has reurned. To be honest i only sent her a brief email saying  i was sorryt o hear that. All her other emails i am ignoring.

Comment by Ann on March 17, 2013 at 9:06pm

March 17th 2011 was the last day my mom was alive.  It was the last time I was able to kiss her, to hold her hand, to know that there was one person in the world who truly loved me and whom I truly loved.  It was the day before the world ended.

Comment by Eliza on March 17, 2013 at 8:18pm

I relate to the experience of having friends say they'll be there for you but don't end up being around. My oldest friend never sent a condolence card. She sent me a Christmas card and included a "sorry about your mom, but let me tell you all about my adorable two year old and our plans for the best Christmas ever!" Christmas card. My mom died three weeks before Christmas. Her obliviousness astounded me. I threw the card in the trash.

Comment by michael sandoval on March 17, 2013 at 11:15am

Happy St. Patrick's Day, Mom.  I love you and miss you.

Comment by Melisa C on March 17, 2013 at 7:02am

I don't really expect people to understand what I'm going through. If you have family and friends that support you, that's great, but grief is a personal journey and only oneself is in charge of dealing with it.

 Before my mom died, I hadn't really thought of death and what it is to lose someone you love so much. Last year the brother of my mom's old employer died. I felt for him, but didn't give it much thought, I had no idea what he could be feeling. Had I been faced with the need to talk to him and comfort him, I would probably have just said daft and shallow things. You don't know what it's like until you experience the pain yourself.

So that's why I don't really expect support from anyone. I'm glad to have people around to be with but that's all.

Tanis, I like the way you express yourself. I read some interesting ideas in your post. Do you go to therapy maybe?

Comment by Cindy Czarnecki on March 16, 2013 at 5:26pm

Tanis,  I am glad you have such wonderful memories of your mother to get you through.  I do also, and that is what I am trying to focus on.  It is only 5 months for mom, but it feels like so long ago that I saw her. As you, all I can think about was how difficult the last few days were and now she is at peace and with my dad (whom she dearly missed for 32 years).  I didn't want her to suffer but I want her here with me now!

Comment by Cindy Czarnecki on March 16, 2013 at 5:19pm

Oh Jaime, I feel for you.  My mom also died on October 16, 2012.  I am an only child and my husband has 1 sister.  She has not called me once since my mother died, but made a big deal at the wake saying she will be there for me whenever I need her.  On Christmas Eve her husband made a toast "To 2012, the best year yet".  I had to leave the table in tears.  My mother in law and husband shot my sister in law a "if looks could kill" look but she just didn't get it.  Haven't talked to her since Christmas Eve and now she will be coming to my house for Easter.  Don't want to do it, but will for my kids.  Hoping your houseguests are out soon...you need time for you to just absorb the lose of your mom. You are probably doing what your mother would expect you do do, help out a "friend" but your mother would not want you to feel used.  I am so sorry.  The older I get, the less I trust people, so sad to have to say that.  I am here for you.

Comment by Jaime Blythe on March 16, 2013 at 3:33pm

I know what you mean about friends who say they are there for you but aren't. Only a couple weeks after my mom died, on October 16, 2012; my friend and her husband and two kids moved in with us on October 31, 2012. They were to only be here for a month, they were renting and the house they were renting was being sold. So they were in the process of buying a home, well it took a lot longer than expected. Especially since her husband got fired, and now that he has a new job with her cousin, hopefully all will go smoothly with them getting to closing on April 15th. Their 2 kids are rude to me, my husband, and daughter; they don't pay rent, utilities, or anything. We have been understanding about their finances but by the time they get their place they will have been here for 6 months! They said that in exchange of living here they would help us by cleaning, doing dishes, that type of thing. They did that for a month, then stopped, and now they bitch about everything. We have directv, and without asking us they took the box down to the basement where their room is shortly after moving in. We only have two directv boxes. Then they have been complaining wanting us to upgrade everything so they can use directv hd, which is far more expensive plus would mean we would have to get new tvs in the house. No way am I doing that. Most of our time is in our room, with my health, my husband works shift work. So now when we want to watch anything we go to our room. They bitch about that. I will be so happy when they leave. I was ready to throw them out in December but my hubby is trying to be nice. I've had it. If I get upset over my mom all I hear is she's better off now, and stupid stuff like that in my home! Yet this same "friend" told my mom on her deathbed that she would be there for me, my dad, daughter and my husband, and would help us get through this. Yet all she has done is used us, our bills have doubled, and they won't help with anything. We have known each other for 20 years. Never thought she would do this to me. I thought of her as a sister, now the term friend doesn't apply. Her kids are so rude, and back talk my husband and me all the time.
With the health issues I'm going through I don't get out of the house much at all, just in too much pain. Anymore now my life doesn't feel like my life. What can I say though I guess she saw that I was in a very fragile state with my heart wide open and decided to take advantage of my family. It's so disgusting, try to help someone you care about and get kicked in the head over and over. I'm tired of it. If it wasn't for my family and all of you I don't know how I'd get through this. May God bless you all. Thanks for responding to my posts and for understanding. You all are wonderful, and caring people. Giant hugs!

Comment by Cindy Czarnecki on March 16, 2013 at 2:39pm

Eliza,I am so sorry.  I know exactly how you feel.  My mom passed away in October (my dad passed away 32 years ago) and I feel so alone.  My husband just doesn't get it either.  Death isn't something you can turn you feelings on and off with.  Each person grieves differently and it seems that you, like me, had a wonderful relationship with your mother.   Of course we want our moms to be here to see our children grow up and to have our children remember what wonderful a wonderful person their grandmother was. 

Yes, people's comments, though they mean well, hurt.  You don't want to be told what your mother would have wanted, you want your mother.  I will never tell anyone that "I am sorry for their loss".  That was such a stinging comment.  It is not any loss, it was my mother! 

I thought I would have had so much more support by all my friends who said they would be here for me.  I need them now, and they just don't seem to have the time.  I wish I had words of wisdom to give you to make you feel less alone.   Will keep you in my prayers.

Comment by Eliza on March 16, 2013 at 2:17pm

Having s bad day. It makes me mad when people express surprise that I am still grieving my mom, who passed away in December. I am angered by comments like, "your mom would want you to move on." Even my husband doesn't seem to get that I'm still grieving. I feel alone in my grief. I don't know what to do. I feel so sad and angry when I thin of the lifetime of experiences that my mom missed out on. It makes me sick when I think that, if I choose to have a child someday, she won't be there. Maybe this is the "anger" stage of grieving. Anyone relate to this?

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