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Comment by Natalie on January 31, 2016 at 6:34am

Hi everyone!

I am new to the group and decided to join in the middle of the night on 1/29 my mothers birthday. She passed 5 and a half years ago and it still feels like it happened yesterday, I am at a point in my life where my mother and I would have grown in our friendship and we were inseparable before so it makes many life changes emotional for me. I want to talk about my pain, happiness and share memories with people who can unfortunately understand. So I'll start off with a positive one!

I was told once when you dream with a lost loved one it's them speaking to you. For the first few years I never saw my mom, I asked for signs and nothing, I thought she was mad at me and I just wanted to know she still had my back. So one day I just kept repeating I wish I could hug my mother I just need a hug (which everyone here can probably agree a mothers hug is everything). So that night I fell asleep and my mother came to me in my dream, we said nothing and she just grabbed me and hugged me and we cried the entire time. I woke up feeling whole again and knowing she's still out there and hurts as much as I do without each other. I'd like to think when I really need her she shows up and it's her way of checking in on me when I ask.

I live for the moments we dream together! She was the most amazing woman and I'm sure you all feel the same about yours!

Comment by charity wolf on January 30, 2016 at 10:22am

Hi Felicia

 Thank you for your words. I am preparing myself for this second year. I so feel the numbness is gone. I don't know what lies ahead of me but I do know my Mama is always with me. It's just such an indescribable pain. It's like my whole world has stopped. Everything is still except my torn open heart....through my torn heart the light gets in. sending you love...

Comment by charity wolf on January 30, 2016 at 10:17am

Hi Rebecca, I am so sorry for your loss...

 I felt a lot of dizziness and all of what you describe. I do want to say that your Mama is still with you in spirit. Knowing that is the only way I get through. I see my Mama in the trees, birds and everywhere. Maybe you can look for your Mama? Maybe that will help bring you some peace? I know how insanely painful this journey is....hug 

 

Comment by Rebecca on January 30, 2016 at 12:20am

Does anyone here get the feeling like this is all too real? That it is surreal and you almost feel dizzy and sick all at the same time? It almost feels like a bad roller coaster ride.... I don't know how else to explain it- like when you actually realize your mom is completely gone, you have this hallucinating feeling go into your brain that the mother you always had isn't here? I don't know how to describe this feeling into words.

Comment by Felicia on January 29, 2016 at 11:55pm

I think the second year, and the years following that one, are harder to deal with because the numbness and shock wear off and reality sets in.  I am in year six of grieving for Mama. Time doesn't heal the wound--how COULD time heal such a loss! But the grieving becomes different. I don' t know how to explain it, and I'm not saying its better, just different.  I used to could not even say the words, My Mom died. Now I say those very words. But the stabbing pain in the pit of my stomach still happens. And she is still on my mind every day. Especially on Mondays...

Comment by charity wolf on January 29, 2016 at 10:56am

ps: My Mama was only 63 and her illness was fast and furious. I have to deal with that trauma too........Goddess help us!

Comment by charity wolf on January 29, 2016 at 10:54am

My Mama flew away one year ago this month. I thought last year was tough but so far, year two is kicking my ass. It feels like a fog lifted and now I am left with this intense reality. I know that time does not heal on it's own. I am just in so much hurt and we all know how hard carrying pain is. It feels like I am learning how to breath, walk and even sleep, for the first time. Only this time I have a broken heart....May we all continue to love ourselves and honor our unique grief journeys....I know that for myself, allowing my sadness has not been so easy, always. I love you all..

Comment by Sandrw Mentiply on January 29, 2016 at 2:25am

 I miss my mom she has been gone 1 year She was 92 and was unable to be alone due to her falling.I told her to come home and live with me where family would be around .She said no when she got that bad she would go in a nursing home.Last july she wanted to be put there so she did.we cleaned out her apartment and she went in.For the first few months things went ok but then due to having fell at home she wasn't able to walk with a walker and had to be in a wheelchair all the time.I aug 1st was her birthday she turned 92 we had a party for her in aug she was her self. Then has the months went on she wasn't eating and loss weight. she just keep going down hill I could see this wasn't working for her so I called my 2 girls and asked if I took her out and put her back in the apartment and I stayed during the week and helped her if on weekends they could help so I could have a break with the 3 of us she could be home and cared for.they said no if she came out I could do it.So I couldn't do this alone 24 7 myself as the weeks went buy she wanted not to be there and wanted to come home with me but I was in NY and she was in mass. So she just gave up and was not eating and losing weight and things just went down hill from there .She passed away Jan 8th 2015. There is a lot more to this then anyone knows also but shes gone. Its been a year to the day and I haven't talked to my girls and never will .I have to live with this everyday knowing something could have been down if I could have got help to have her home she would be a live today.I will never forgive or forget this.

Comment by Karen Cowe on January 27, 2016 at 11:30pm

Rebecca, no the pain does not ever end. I'm sorry to tell you that . It's been 15 years since I lost my Mom but it still hurts like it was yesterday. One does learn to live with it a little bit better. But no it never stops hurting. I'm sorry.

Comment by Danny on January 27, 2016 at 9:05pm

charity wolf and others no the pain does not go away ever ever. i have bee in touch with martha since 2 years and waht she says is  one way to look at it ie we may need to conduct ourselves and take the steps until God calls. The first few years may be a blur and its years mind you but i literally am taking it a month at a time and functioning.  i try to mix it up by keeping occupied, going to philosophical seminars/grief readings and basically what i call surviving well.  Good to see martha back here sometimes.

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