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Comment by Lisa Green on April 26, 2016 at 2:05pm

I'm missing my mom a lot this week. It's been two months and two days since she died. It still tears me up to even write those words. Mom knew me better than anyone and knew how to to always support me and lift me up. I am who I am because of her and how much she poured out her love. Some days I get busy doing things and then for a second I think to myself, call mom and tell her about your day. Then reality slaps me in the face again. This happens so many times during the course of the day. I'm dreading Mother's Day in a few weeks. I can't turn on the radio or tv without hearing commercials about not forgetting your mom on Mother's Day. I don't know how anyone could forget their mom anyway but its difficult hearing those and seeing the signs in stores right now. I'm trying to plan ahead with my sister some things to do on Mother's Day so we don't go through this first one aimlessly and a mess, although I think we will anyway. We plan to go to mom and dads and have a cookout with dad and my brother whose coming in from out of state. It will be a hard day for sure. My mom was my anchor. She gave me what I need to finish the days, weeks, months and years of my life and I know I will because I have too. I carry her with me everywhere I go. I miss her so much. Thank you all for listening and for sharing your own stories. They help me cope on days that hardest.  

Comment by Lisa Green on April 25, 2016 at 7:51am

Joanna, Glad you were able to comment today and more glad that you found some comfort in your Mom's things. I always do. 

Comment by Theresa on April 25, 2016 at 5:26am

I think I just go through my days trying to make time go by.

I am glad I found this site to see I am not alone.

Comment by Lisa Green on April 12, 2016 at 3:43pm

Thank you Helen for your insight on wearing my moms clothes. Sometimes it helps me feel closer to Mom and others times it makes me painfully aware that her things and my memories are all I have left. I keep her spirit alive by talking to her throughout my day and knowing that I can feel her presence. If there is any way possible that she can look over me from Heaven, I know that she is because my Mom has done that her entire life for me and my siblings. I just miss her so much and it is such an empty feeling to not be able to call her the minute I think about her and want to. Such a huge void. 

Comment by HelenB on April 9, 2016 at 10:12pm

Lisa-my message above to Lucy also was to you where I talk abt my mom's clothes & rings & planting a tree. I relate to what u said. In fact, my colleague does a lot of research on grief & loss & told me it is therapeutic to wear our mom's stuff. With hope for us all coming to terms with what will never be, H

Comment by HelenB on April 9, 2016 at 10:03pm

Wow, Lucy - I am so impressed by your thoughtfulness & insight. (Tears). I think I need to read your message over and over. I'm trying to write down any memory (pos, neutral, among the many hurtful memories). Last night , I thought of an old friend of my mom's and I remember going to that lady's house. My mom used to say bad things abt her. I wonder what she is doing and if she is still alive. I'm trying to remember stuff. It bothers me deeply that I can't remember & that my parents had few snapshots of me among their countless photos. My dad had home movies. I wish I could get them made into CDs or see them somehow. I'm going to get out all my photos and try to organize them and maybe make albums. I have some of my mom's clothes she didn't want. My dad was going to bring me more. She was very materialistic & I was lucky to clear a few drawers and make a bit of room in my old bedroom to put away stuff when I visited. My dad was not materialistic and had very little space for his own stuff. Still I wish I had her clothes before my brothers get rid of them. At least I have her rings. That mattered most. It was a struggle to get them even tho my dad wanted me to have them. After we came back from burying my mom, people were going upstairs looking for stuff to take! Looting! They were pressuring me to give them what my mom left me and going to my brother to make deals. My dad asked me to help him hide stuff. Yup! Happens in all walks of life. I think one reason we are so shattered from our own moms' deaths (I can only speak for myself but I'm throwing this out for discussion) is there is some unresolved trauma or just the death was very difficult for some reason & also we just never separated emotionally (as Independent & successful as I was in life). I expected to take care of my parents someday when they were old and I hardly thought I'd be sick so young. I know being isolated from my health situation isn't helping. Sometimes, no almost always, I wonder how do this day after day. But much worse than my own health (which is pretty serious) and not being able to work & having to worry abt my finances for once (but lucky I have enough so far to manage), is my mom's death. My really good friend was killed by a drunk driver when I was like 18. It devasted me for so long. I mean it still bothers me eons later. That is something I remember but I remember most things except my mom. Where was she? I don't even remember her much in high school. I remember I loved her & I remember I was afraid of her. I loved her so much. It's a pretty convoluted mess. But I'm trying hard to write down anything that pops into my head. I remember her as an adult from the time I left home on... I guess at some point I have to accept that I don't remember her & I don't know why. I did remember tonight at Least one occasion my parents went out one evening and we had a baby sitter for what seemed like eternity. My mom had a huge tree her dad planted in our front yard. It looked like a huge blue Christmas tree. I'd plant one but I want to move closer to my relatives as soon as I'm strong enough. I am an artist. Maybe I'll do my mom's portrait from when she was younger. Thx again. U r awesome. Everyone here is. I'm grateful for this site and thx for not judging me abt my mom's suicide. Just cause she chose to die, didn't mean I chose it for her & it really hurt I wasn't enough for her to stick around (tears). I forgive her. She was severely mentally ill and wouldn't help herself. I wanted her so much.

Comment by Lucy Brady on April 9, 2016 at 1:56pm

I just read my last comment...I didn't mean to write "won't wish' I meant to say I wish I had...sorry if I offended anyone...

Comment by Lucy Brady on April 8, 2016 at 1:01pm

Helen I won't wish there was words to send your way..You are the only one that lived your relationship with you mom. Too me there is good in everyone...I was raised to believe that God doesn't make junk. I have imbedded that in my grown children and my grandkids. As a person I know there are no perfect people, we are all flawed in some way...your mom in my opinion was counted here on Earth and most definitely in the afterlife...you are a product of your mom...because of your mom you are alive...and sharing your broken heart in my opinion is part of your mom's will...maybe without even realizing it she gave you the courage that you display here for all of us to see and read...since my mom passed I see the good in everything now...she gave me so much love that I give it freely now...I struggle with this because maybe I should have been doing this all along because my mom wanted us to...the hardest thought I live with now is that on my own alone without my mom I had no choice but to accept that it is my life to live and I must live it. I never had suicidal thoughts ever..I have had them since losing my mom..however temporary those thoughts are...I would never kill myself and at this point in my life it is due to the power of my mom's being on this Earth...she did good things even though I am sure she had regrets for somethings she may have done wrong..she told me so...I know that counseling would never help me..but reading your comments it may be actually helping you because you are so honest and open about your feelings. I believe in so much today...possibly because I need to believe my mom is somewhere so great that she wouldn't come back given a choice...it gets me through my day..in order for me to get through one day at a time I just look for the goodness in her even if she didn't have any goodness as my mom I think I would still look for it and only that. I feel so sad for all of us...I do wish I could give you comfort...you are probably the best thing your mom ever did...these are things I want for all of to feel and believe...

Comment by Lisa Green on April 8, 2016 at 11:04am

I like the idea of planting the White rose bush to give you a place to sit and talk with your mom.What a wonderful idea. My Mom was buried at a family cemetery so I do have a place to go and visit with her but its a bit of a distance from my house. I think I might borrow your idea and plant something this Spring in my yard as a memorial to my Mom. There is no easy way to get through our days without our Moms but I want to say thank you to everyone who shares their pain and grief and stories of your Moms. It helps me more than anything I've found so far because its a place where we all can bare our souls and our worst pain. It's something I can't put into words when I talk to friends and family about my Mom. I wear my Mom's jewelry to feel closer to her and she and I wore the same size in shirts so most of her clothes I now have and wear. It helps some to feel closer to her but nothing takes away the pain that sometimes hits me hard when I don't even see it coming. I want her back so bad. I want to have more memories with her but the ones I have are all I have. That is a hard reality to swallow.  

Comment by HelenB on April 8, 2016 at 2:18am

Sheryl-how did u feel when your dad died? My mom and I were best friends I thought but she did so much brain damage in recent years, she was her worst all time. It was awful. I told my grief therapist today that I kind of wonder if she woke up to throw me one last scrap so I would be forever tortured wanting the image of the mom she never really was. I loved her so much. If she survived, she would be hurting me still and she didn't survive and she's hurting me still.

Monica & Lucy- maybe I missed ... Do have supportive siblings? I saw one said she wonders if they remember each month too. I get that! Mine didn't remember the year anniversary. We never even had the head stone ceremony. Her will never was filed In court. I got what mattered most that she wanted me to have. My dad with dementia made sure. Now I want my dad to be my mom & my dad & he can't even be my dad. I get it abt feeling like an orphan. It's like my entire family was killed in an accident & I'm left in the "dazed & confused" and I can't find my way out a carnival park. If anyone knows the old band "blind faith." They did a song called "can't find my way home." That's how I feel. My brothers seemed happy she died. I don't relate to them. I don't relate to hardly anyone anymore. I know one thing, I need to find my way somehow. I'm not my mom & may have a serious illness and limited time here but loving our moms shouldn't mean feeling like we died with them.

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