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Comment by Kris Baclawski on November 18, 2011 at 12:53pm

Guadalupe, I feel for your multiple losses.   About 6 weeks before my mother passed, one of my closest friends died suddenly from a severe asthma attack at the age of 65.   Like you, I am single and have no children.  Eight years ago I moved 30 miles to be closer to Mom and sister. 

My older sister and I took care of our mom with the rest of the family being anywhere from 600 to 3000 miles away.  When I wasn't working full time, my weekends were structured around giving my mother and older sister a break from each other.  Our parents, though living in separate states, never divorced even after 38 years apart.  My sister is most like my dad; I am most like my mom.  Some of those dysfunctional patterns carried on to us--as we sometimes disagreed about several aspects of our mother's care.   Ultimately Mom's end was so quick that most of those issues are now moot.  Yet some of the hard feelings remain as my sister searches for someone to take care of.  Since I'm closest in proximity, I am the uncomfortable target of her attempts.  She needs to find her own way as do I.

As I observed my immediate family during the time of my mother's memorial service, I managed to slip on my counselor's hat.  Each of us--Dad, big sister, brother, and younger sister expressed our grief in very different ways.  I was surprised how hard Dad was taking the loss.  For myself, initially I felt that something was ripped out of my heart and solar plexus.   My older sister did not share her feelings.  Then my sister and I had to make arrangements for the aftercare and memorial service which ended up being 5 weeks after Mom's passing.  More delays.  

 

What has been tremendously helpful for me is that I went back to church and am singing in the choir.  I love music and have not had an outlet for singing for years.   I'm considering taking an art class.   This is part of my being good to me.

Take care,

Kris  

Comment by Ilana Rabone on November 18, 2011 at 7:18am

I know how you feel Guadalupe!  I lost my mother a year and a half ago to ovarian cancer and I feel lonely all the time.  Thank God I have my 10 year old son because without him, I don't know what I would do.  My father hardly calls me anymore or sees his grandson because he spends all his time with his new girlfriend and my brother just got married so he is too busy to call me.  I feel like they have moved on, but I can't!  Even my friends have abandoned me.  Not that I can blame them, because I was so inside of myself that I didn't stay in touch with them anymore!  Not that I'm one to give good advice, but is there someone you can talk to like a counselor.  I see a counselor every month and it is very comforting to talk to someone about my feelings rather than keeping them inside.  I'm sorry for your losses!

Comment by Melissa Broome on November 17, 2011 at 9:43pm

Guadalupe,

First I'm so sorry for your loss of your dad and your mother. It takes a very strong person to care for their parents and you still finished school you are amazing. I bet your parents were very proud of you! I'm sorry for the pain you are feeling. When my mom passed I was in shock for about 2 months and didn't deal with it. It's been 7 months since she's passed. I'm still hurting and missing her everyday. But I know crying and grieving for her is helping me. Because I'm still getting out of bed everyday. At first don't expect to much out of yourself just take one day at a time. it will get easier to carry on with your life later I have just started getting back into my life the last couple of months. everyone griefs at their own pace there is no right or wrong way to do it.. Do what's right for you. Big hugs to you. I'm here if you need to talk,

Melissa

Comment by mercy on November 17, 2011 at 11:05am

I hear you Melissa; I even resent it when my fiance talks to his mom, its like being reminded all over again that I don't have my mom to talk to. Mom can never, ever be replaced; I canno wiat to be out of this body to be with her.

Comment by Melissa Broome on November 17, 2011 at 3:15am

I'm a fool..I used to think while I was growing up that my mom would be around forever. I never once thought of my mom dying..Not once! I wish I had..I mean geez maybe if I had I wouldn't have been so blind sided when it happened! I miss her so much it hurts! I want her back, But I know that's not possible..Then why do I keep saying it. I don't like it when my mother in law acts like she's my mother now. I have a mother. I know she's trying to help but it rubs me the wrong way.

 

Comment by Ilana Rabone on November 16, 2011 at 12:18pm

I have the opposite problem you have Elaine!  No one invited me for Thanksgiving dinner.  My brother and his wife invited me to dinner on 11/23, which is the day before because on Thanksgiving Day, they were invited to be with my brother's wife's family.  I don't feel comfortable telling friends I will be alone because they will feel sorry for me!  My mother was the one who made Thanksgiving a family holiday and now that she's gone, the spirit of the holiday went with her.  My dad decided not to spend Thanksgiving with me and my brother and prefers to spend it with his girlfriend on a cruise.  I'm afraid to be alone on Thanksgiving and I don't know what to do!  I heard some stores will be open and offering deals so I guess I could go shopping and then get turkey at Boston Market, which I hear is open on Thanksgiving Day.  I just want to cry right now because I'll be alone on Thanksgiving Day. 

Comment by Clara George on November 14, 2011 at 7:59pm

my mommy passed away 4 months ago... i miss her every day....

Comment by Denise Murphy on November 14, 2011 at 5:26pm

Hi llana,

Everybody grieves differently, there is no right way, there is no time-line. The relationship we had with our loved one is unique to each of us, so it makes sense that our grief is also unique. It took me 2 years two heal from my mom's death, and I use heal lightly, because I will never stop missing her until the day I die.   Other's don't get to decide when you should move on, when the time is right you will decide how to proceed with your life.   Until then take care of yourself I will keep you in my prayers!

God Bless,

Denise

Comment by Ilana Rabone on November 14, 2011 at 9:34am

I lost my mother to Ovarian Cancer a year and a half ago and I still am having problems coping with her loss.  Everyone even my dad is telling me to move on, but for some reason I'm at a standstill.  I thought something was seriously wrong with me, but it sounds like everyone is going through the same.  That makes me feel a little better!

Comment by Melissa Broome on November 13, 2011 at 9:57pm

I'm very sorry Elaine I know how it is..Believe me..Like I said before I have no idea where I would be if I didn't have the kiddo's to keep me from going insane

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