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Comment by James Quinn on March 17, 2015 at 1:36am

Thank you so much  Trina it good to have some where i can say how i truly feel And be among people who understand and thank you for your prayers bless you

Comment by Trina Mamoon on March 17, 2015 at 12:39am

Hello James,

So sorry to hear what you are going through. I hope all the tests and X-rays come out clean. The lack of sleep is probably causing all these problems. The loss of a soulmate and life partner is a horrific experience that those of us on this site know only too well.

Yesterday was my husband Joseph's 50th birthday. The feeling that he was cheated and robbed, and I, too, for that matter, just preys on my mind, and I find it hard to accept what has befallen me. He passed on August 4th of last year. Since then every single day is a struggle, putting it mildly.

I am sending prayers and healing vibes your way. Hope that you are able to find some measure of peace.

Best, Trina

Comment by James Quinn on March 16, 2015 at 11:43pm

Lack of sleep stress and despair At the death of my soul mate Marita on sept 13. 2014 has worn me out my whole body is tired . Went to the doctors due to chest pain had stress test for heart it came back ok still have the pain  Xray is the next step i Know its stress and grief .The doctor has put  me on Amitriptyline I never thought in my wildest dreams i would be taking antidepressants I  feel so removed from everything and everybody including family I am battle weary  lucky if i get three hours sleep a night Even in my dreams i am looking for her in a maze of buildings that have no end

Comment by Donna M Dowling-Hall on March 9, 2015 at 8:32pm

Thank you everyone.

Comment by Betsy Arnold on March 8, 2015 at 9:22pm

Donna, I wanted to chime in, too, and extend my deepest sympathies for your loss. I, too, lost my husband at a young age, he was 43. He has been gone a little over 5 years and I miss him so much every minute of every day. He was also my best friend and soul mate. Dale, my husband, and I were married for 18 years. I understand trust issues. I have them, too, and have also been stabbed in the back too many times as well, even since my husband's death. You are in my thoughts, Donna.

Comment by James Quinn on March 8, 2015 at 6:16pm

Thank you Shirley I never thought love could hurt so much,we both hoped we would go together well before she was ill because we knew the one left behind would be so heart broken ,i would rather have all the pain in the world than see my love have any.My heart goes out to you shirley at you lose we belong to a club neither of us wanted to belong to ,I light a candle every night for her 

Comment by Donna M Dowling-Hall on March 8, 2015 at 6:12pm

I only had 16 years with Jeremy.  I wish I could have done more for him.  The what ifs are really eating away at me.  Deep down I know I did all I could for him.  When we were given the devastating news on Feb 3rd, because he was asymptomatic, the doctor did not give us a timeframe. He showed no signs of anything other than some edema.  He felt really good when we left Cancer Treatment Centers of America. He went back to working from home.  He worked on Feb. 9th.  On the morning of the 10th things didn't seem right and I called 911.  By the 11th he was screaming in pain and at 10:55 PM on the 12th I lost my best friend and soul mate. 

I don't have many friends.  I have trust issues.  Stabbed in the back too many times.  Most of our friends are scattered around the eastern seaboard. 

The absolute worst part so far, I had to endure two funerals.  One here and one in Syracuse.  I wanted to be selfish and keep him all to myself, but he was an only child.  I discussed with him on the 8th about cremating him and splitting his ashes with his mother.  I get half and his parents get half. 

Part of me is relieved that he is not suffering and went quickly, but this was way too quick.  I barely had time for it to register that he was going to die because they couldn't do anymore for him and he was gone.  Then I feel guilty for feeling relief. 

I am angry that he did not get to live a longer life.  There are things that he wanted to do and will not be able to. 

What also sucks about this is that my birthday is Feb 7th. What an awesome birthday present this year, the death of my husband.  I can't sleep and really don't feel like doing much of anything.  We were supposed to grow old together.  He also blamed himself for this.  Apparently it was caused by some virus that he caught.  No matter how many times I told him not to blame himself, that he did not ask for cancer, he kept doing it. 

Comment by Shirley on March 8, 2015 at 5:57pm

James...Just read your post and wanted to say hello and I know what you are going through. This April 29 my hubby will  be gone I year. I t has been a tough year for me and I still go back to the day I lost him. He had five different areas with Cancer and it was so hard watching his body& mind fade away with all that was happening. His confusions were heart braking for me, but I had to hold it together to the end so I could  say i did all I could for him.   Have accepted the death and know he is in a much better place now. No pain, no tears, no confusion, no medicines or injections.  All is well with his soul.  Knowing I will see him again some glad morning is what keeps me going trough each day. Hope life has gotten a little easier for you and each day you will find peace with yourself. Some day you will see Marita again and there will never be any more good byes.  Amen !

Comment by James Quinn on March 8, 2015 at 3:58pm

I know how you feel It has been  six months 0n the 13th of march My wife Marita died of bladder cancer on the13th sept 2014 .This weekend was her birthday on the seventh the first birthday without her it was  so hard i feel so down at the moment infact i have been in a dream state the last six months the 13th is coming up i dread it.Family both my and hers have been helping as much as they can life is back to normal for all who knew marita  but for me the pain and loss have been relentless things keep coming through from when she was in hospital i keep seeing her laying there and me who could not protect her and keep my soul mate safe as i always thought i could ,I just long to be with her where ever she may be i just hope it will not be to long .

Comment by Anita Jeffery on March 8, 2015 at 3:24pm

Donna,

I too am so sorry for your loss.  Your husband was much younger than mine when he passed away, but mine was only 58, and we felt we would have many years together.  He just died on Dec. 28 of 2014.  He was officially sick from January with stage 4 Pancreatic Cancer.  I know that life will get better...I also know that my husband is better off than he was when he was ill.  It's very hard however to find a way to accept and be OK with it when someone dies of any cancer.  It's absolutely a devastating disease and it sounds like it all went very fast, as it did with my husband.  It changes your life in every way.   I find Saturdays and Sundays to be the hardest.  He went into the hospital on Sat. night after beginning to vomit blood, and died Sunday at 6:30.  It was probably the most difficult 24 hours of my life.  Once they got him on enough morphine, he slept peacefully, and I was able to spend all that time, just the two of us until he died.  Still, every day while he was sick, I knew he was going to die.  I knew it wouldn't be long by December, but I still tried to have hope.  I try to remember each day that this was apparently meant to be.  But being a widow at a young age is so hard to grasp.  My husband and I were fortunate enough to have 34 years together and I know there will never be anyone else that I could ever be with and love as I did him.  I am trying to accept the end of the best part of my life.   However, I made a lot of good friends during the time he was sick.  I think going through cancer treatment you see the very worst life can hand you, but also some of the very best...the most caring people, people who really want to help.  If you have that, lean on them.  I always hated asking for help, but I'm amazed at how it does seem to make others feel good to help.  Since I have volunteered for many years, I know this personally, how it helps to help others.  Anyway, know that you will eventually find joy in life again.   If you were his caregiver, give yourself some time to rest, and take in what has happened.  Like me, your loss is so recent, and for me there is an overriding feeling of disbelief that the wonderful life we had together is over.  The hardest thing for me is I have terrible memories of the pain that he suffered through all of 2014, and there is relief that is over for him.  Sending positive thoughts to you and hoping you will find peace in time.

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