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Comment by Bill Smith on March 26, 2016 at 7:32pm

I'm very sorry for all of your losses.  I hope you try to not give up on having some kind of happiness (or at least not misery).....I've often wondered why I bother, it all seems so hopeless, but I feel I've nothing to lose by trying, and perhaps a great deal to gain.  Whether I like it or not, life and the world did not end when my beloved did.  And it may sound cliche, but I know she would want me to, and I think I dishonor her memory if I do not.  Peace to you. 

Comment by Trina Mamoon on March 26, 2016 at 7:16pm

Hello,

It's been 19 months since my husband, the love of my life succumbed to lung cancer. But it seems like it was the other day. I vividly remember him laying on the couch or sitting in his armchair in our living room the last couple of months before he passed. Joseph, even in in terminal illness, was a tower of strength and patience. He never let me see his fear and was always trying to reassure me, instead of me trying to reassure him. Our marriage was so strong, so full of love, we supported each other and were there for each other until the moment when he took his last breath. We were holding hands.

The excruciating pain is less now after more than a year and a half, but my new normal is something I so hate. The days a so long, so sad, so gloomy, and full of yearning for Joseph. He is constantly on my mind no matter what I do. And the thought that keeps popping up in my mind is: I want to die, I want to be reunited with Joseph. So while I no longer feel the extreme pangs and stabs of pain, my life is so drab, so sad, so lacking in purpose.

Nothing satisfies me. My family members, our friends. When I am in company with others I pretend to be okay as people don't want to hear about my sadness,  and so my thought is "I want to be left alone, I want on my own." So one more gray, sad day passes, and I am just waiting patiently for the day I will see Joseph again. What a wonderfully happy day that will be!

Thinking of you all and sending good vibes and prayers of healing.

-- Trina

Comment by Shirley on March 26, 2016 at 2:15am

Hello,  Been a few since I last posted.  Lost my hubby the 29 of April 2014.  Next month will 2 years and it seems like it was last week It is terrible watching the guy you are married to go through the different stages of Cancer..Starting in 2000 and radiation , plus radiation seeds implanted, to the first bout with the right lung in 2008. Radiation plus chemo then, said it was in remission, but oops pops up again in the same right lung, only 5 radiation treatments then , he could not have any more chemo. The body functions begin to leave and then starts the jumping from the second lung area ,into the brain at a stage4 in March 2014...In steps Hospice of the Valley, bed, chairs, potty chair, all kind of breathing machines, medicines, confusion, nurses, baths, etc..Terrible to have to watch what this disease can do to a body. Early April the cancer had jumped into the Spine and by now he was an child like needing everything done for him, could not swallow, not even water. So the ones who have to watch this happening on a daily basis, is the ones that it hurts the most You want to help but there is nothing you can except sit and watch the transformation of a hefty guy dwindle down a small boy. When he passed, at home, on that Tuesday early morning, I thanked God for taking him home and out of the misery, pain, confusions, and almost starvation.  He went to "REST HIGH ON THAT MOUNTAIN"  and out of all the bad things as he called them. Two year now and I relive most all of it over and over, vut am so thankful that he is no longer in agony, and nurses probing,  and hungry but could not eat.  Know we will see each other in the other world and be a completely new person, free and happy. Till then , I will take each day as GOD allows and be thankful that my hubby is at peace. It does get easier as the time passes and you have God with you every step you take forward.  Blessing to each and all who are just beginning this period of the  loss.  Will say prays for each of you and may God be with you all the way.......

Comment by Bill Smith on March 15, 2016 at 11:54am

Thanks for clarification - glad it's not something physical and not crippling, but sorry it's still bothering you - and that there are no local support groups or counselors.  Wow, that's unusual - do you live at least not too far from a bigger town/city that might have something?  Good luck to you and I'm very sorry for your loss.

Comment by Michael Thompson on March 15, 2016 at 5:39am

P.S. Bill, I dont suffer crippling anxiety or nausea, its just always there in my mind, so in a way, my mind cant switch off.  I guess I worry internally about things the way they are now with my wife gone.  I feel very vulnerable, and insecure, my wife was my rock, and I was hers, it is the marital support that has gone that I believe is assisting in causing me my anxiety.

I have found out that my locality does not have a grief support group.

Comment by Michael Thompson on March 15, 2016 at 5:10am

Hi Bill, Ive seen loads of doctors and have had loads of stomach tests, weight, and blood pressure tests, and im fine, I have been told my nausea which comes and goes at various degrees is psychological, ie anxiety.  Thanks for your concern..

Comment by Bill Smith on March 14, 2016 at 6:29pm

Michael, the problem is doctors (ie family doctor) are NOT any more knowledgeable on grief than anyone else, and I've found sometimes less so, and frankly it steams me that he apparently acted otherwise.  I think what he said was IMO irresponsible and feel that he blew you off.  Yes, everyone suffers differently, but that doesn't exclude the possibility that there's something physically wrong.  Being routinely nauseous over a year later is not something I'd ignore.  

If nothing if found, and if it turns out it is about your loss, it sounds like what is called "complicated grief" (that doesn't mean it's more "complicated," mostly just that in some way or other it isn't gradually easing up, as it usually does for most), in which case you might consider seeing a grief counselor.  Repeat, grief counselor, or at least someone (psychologist etc) who specializes in this, not a generic psychologist.   

Regardless, again, best wishes for improvement....

Just my opinion, but I would go to another doctor and don't tell them about your loss or that you think it might be about grief.  Then they'll examine you and consider physical reasons like they're supposed to.

Comment by Michael Thompson on March 14, 2016 at 11:54am

Morgan, how many years were you married, and what did your husband die of ?.

Comment by morgan on March 14, 2016 at 11:17am

Michael,

You asked how long I have experienced the nausea.  The entire time I was referencing was since my husband died which is now three years and two months.  Yes, i have had some form of nausea since he died.  When I say form, it varies.  

Currently I am dealing with more queasiness rather than outright wanting to perch along a rimmed bowl.  It has been that kind of nausea for most of the time.  But there have been stronger moments when I was really sick.  Now it is mainly driven I think by anxiety and the inability for my digestive system to working concert with my brain asking it to do something soothing with food i might have ingested.

Sleeping and eating have been more than challenging for me and the resultant factors that emerge from imbalance.  Recently I think there is another problem emerging but all I am doing is monitoring myself closely enough since I refuse to go to a doctor.  I will not and do not want to know if there is anything really wrong with me until it is too far gone.  

I may get my wish yet and I hate to sound so negative because I know there are others who need to stick around for family responsibilities but without children this life for me at my age pretty much sucks.  I don't need it, want it and will be grateful for any disease, condition or accident that removes me.  

Comment by Michael Thompson on March 13, 2016 at 5:06pm

Bill Smith, I have already seen a doctor.  I have been told that everybody suffering grief suffers differently, including nausea.  

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