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Comment by Barbara Sutton on May 26, 2012 at 11:43am

Ron thank you for your kind words. I am in tears here after reading your words. My husband was ill in December 2010, diagnosed Feb 1, 2011, and died April 2, 2011.  Yesterday I felt as though I could breathe again but today that sense of no air is back. I am thankful he did not linger for months on end I am thankful if nothing else that he was gone as fast as he was. He was 52, and was devistated for sure that this was happening and did not want to die.

One of the only doctors who was compassionate told me that it is hard for someone so young to die like this will all of their faculties. The look in their eyes of desparation is so very real and there is nothing anyone can do. It is just not fair she said. I know we all feel that if we could have taken their place we would. I have been through divorce, and there were times I begged my ex to love me and stay but that was a waste of breath. I begged God to let me keep my love, and once again that was not meant to be either.

Today I am angry. I am hurt, and my feelings are so raw. I will go do the only thing I know how and take my shower and let the water wash away my tears.

Comment by anna l. on May 26, 2012 at 11:27am

I read the last 3 posts and I feel like you are my friends.  I hate that you are feeling the same as I feel yet it is good to know Im not losing my mind. My grand niece had major cancer surgery yesterday and I have not even called her mom or grandmom(my sister).  I did talk to her aunties(my nieces) on facebook last night so I know she made it through the surgery ok.  From the time she was diagnosed I have been reliving last year with my husband.  It just pains me so much that she and her husband have this to deal with.  Having lived a version of it makes me all to aware of the road ahead for them.  I guess I have so little faith in doctors now I have a hard time believing this time they will get it right the first time and save her life.  So many beautiful lives lost to this monster called cancer!!!!

Comment by Ron on May 26, 2012 at 10:51am

Hi Barb I don't know if it is better to go fast from cancer or have it linger.When my Jean got cancer the doctor gave her six months to a year .Well she lived almost thirteen months It was thirteen months of hell for her.If we were not going in for chemo it was for a blood tranfusion because the the chemo caused her blood count to get to low.She was in the chair longer for the transfusions then for chem treatments.Then she developed an absess on her butucks that had to be removed.After it was removed it was more trips to the hospital to have the wound repacked twice a week.Then one day they put a heart monitor on her because they wanted to see if she was developing a heart condition.On one of the trips home she had her pouch on where the bladder was removed,a drain on for the absess removel,the wires for the heart thing along with along ith the power port in her chest.Well on the way home i started to cry and she said to me it will be alright.I said no Jean its not going to be alright. I am going to lose you  it is never going to be alright. I love her and miss her so much. I told the kids that i will not die of cancer. It will be a heart attack but it will not really be a heart attack it will be from a broken heart. They keep saying it will get better but i know better all you do is hide it better. So all you can do is be the best person you can and hope you will meet again when your end time comes.God Bless Ron

Comment by Debra Wick on May 26, 2012 at 9:09am

Hi Barbara, I identify with you! My sweetie Bob was diagnosed with liver cancer last year and 5 ER visits and 83 days later he was gone. We were are unable to comprehend what was happening before it was over. I also I understand about you listening to your mom. My sister's husband is paralyzed from the waist down so she does a lot of venting about his medical situation- the pain, muscle spasms etc. to me. Now I find that I just can't take it. I want to be there for her but it tears my heart out. Sometimes we talk on the phone late at night right before I go to bed and I have awful nightmares and relive Bob's death all over again! Hugs to you and hang in there.

Comment by Barbara Sutton on May 26, 2012 at 8:35am

I spoke with my mother last night. Her boyfriend of 11 years is going through his second run with cancer and is not doing well. Some of the things she told me were like what my husband went through and I am overwhelmed with memories and trying to be supportive at the same time. Just when you think you got this..the emotions under control, BAM...I am so sad for her and know that she's doing this alone. He has 5 children and they live far away so mom is left holding his life. She is a nurse and trying to be as practical as she can be but I know she's hurting and I can not take that pain away from her. She spoke last night about how she is massaging him every night after his shower because he is so sore which brought me back to my baby and his last days, Ugh...I know we all have to go when God calls but cancer is so freaking ugly and I hate it. Huggs to all.

 

Comment by Mary M. on May 25, 2012 at 8:02pm

Kim, I am not sure the pain does stop exactly, I think it gets easier to manage.  I have found that writing in a journal each night has helped, not sure whether its because I am venting to G*D and asking why? or whether its just providing an outlet to pour out my hurt.  Each entry is closed as a prayer and pretty much asking for my hugs and love be passed to my hubby.  For G*D to tell him he will always be loved and is missed so very much.  Hang in there and if you ever need to just vent I'd be happy to listen.  Blessings.

Comment by Kim Phillips on May 25, 2012 at 6:40pm

When does the pain stop?  When does begging G-D to let her spirit come to me stop?  I am at the lowest I have ever been in my life.

Comment by Kim Phillips on May 24, 2012 at 3:39pm

Thank  you Mary.  So sorry for your loss. 

Comment by Mary M. on May 24, 2012 at 12:18pm

Kim I am so sorry for your loss and I still cry a lot and its been two months since my husband passed.  Its ok to cry, tears are healing although it doesn't feel like it.  I keep telling myself that.   Know that my thoughts and prayers are with you.  

Comment by Kim Phillips on May 24, 2012 at 10:20am

I lost my best friend/soulfriend 2 weeks ago.  I am really struggling.  I cry most of the time.  Her and I did everything together.  I have lost a big part of who I am.  I beg G-D to bring her back.  I beg her to talk to me.  Today is my birthday and it is so damn hard. I feel so alone and so lost.  I try to keep myself busy and keep people around me and it helps but as soon as I am alone, I lose it.  She passed from metastatic breast cancer. I miss her deeply.  :'(

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