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Comment by Stephanie on May 29, 2012 at 4:38pm

Hello all,

It has been so long since I commented…..but I read how the faith was lost (or being lost) and just felt compelled to respond.

When I first lost my father (my best friend and Superman as far as I was concerned) I was totally devastated. I think people thought that I should have been preparing myself for his death as it was obvious that he was losing the battle. I did not want to lose him but as his condition grew worse I put my selfish thoughts aside and prayed that God would grant him peace. He did and it felt like my heart was going to explode….literally! It felt that way for so long I thought it would always feel that way.

But, I wanted to address the anger. Not only was I angry with God but to be frank…I was PISSED at God. Everything that I have been taught, everything that I read and everything that I believed were put to the test. One day it became unbearable and I told God off! I told him that I didn’t think it was necessary for a person to suffer in such a horrendous manner. I told him that he could have healed him or done something… I told him a lot of things that were on my mind and I did not sugar coat anything. I mean, why should I, he knows your thoughts anyway. I said everything I had to say and sat there sobbing (as usual). But as time went on I heard a gentle voice address some of my questions and concerns. Now, I was still pissed but it helped me some. I said all of that to say this. Tell God or whoever/whatever your higher power is exactly how you feel. Believe me, he can take it. Tell him as often as you need to. It helps the anger.

Finally one night around 2am, the pain of losing my father became so unbearable that I just had to get up and walk. I walked and walked and then I left out of my home and walked the neighborhood. As dangerous as it was I had to do something…it felt like I was literally about to lose my mind. Crying hysterically, I told God. “You have to take this…I can’t carry it anymore!” You HAVE to take this!

By the time I got home I felt a little better but over the next couple of days that weight I felt in my chest and on my shoulders began to lift some. I feel your pain as my loss was the greatest pain I have felt so far. I will pray you as I do all who have lost someone and I know eventually you will find some sort of peace with your loss.  

Comment by Mary M. on May 27, 2012 at 9:13pm

Joni I am so sorry for your loss.  I totally relate to your being frozen in time at points throughout the day and night, I feel that way often.  I will pray that soon you feel more able to take back control of your life and move forward.  I know the pain doesn't go away but I have to believe that we are given the strength to cope with it and move on otherwise there would be no point of a future.  Take care of yourself.  Hugs, prayers and blessings!

Comment by Kim Phillips on May 27, 2012 at 8:52pm

This weekend was very tough.  I spent today with my nieces.  We went on the boat, fishing etc.  All these things brought back memories of the fun my friend and I had together doing these things.  But it also brought me a lot of pain bc it wasn't with her.  All I could think about was here I am enjoying the things her and I should be enjoying and she is laying in the casket.  She was young and wasn't ready to pass.  One of the last voice messages she left me (I was with her for the last year taking care of her) was her crying that she wanted us to have one more summer together.  One more time one more time (crying and begging G-D)  I just don't know about G-D any more.  I don't want to lose my faith but that is all it is FAITH!  I had faith that Jesus would lay his hands on her and heal her.  I had faith we would have a few more years together.  Where the hell did FAITH get me.  Sorry I am just so ANGRY!  Each day gets harder and harder and I want to crawl in a hole.  Hugs and blessings to all!

Comment by Debra Wick on May 27, 2012 at 7:04pm

Omg Joni parallel universe! Bob was diagnosed with liver cancer Sept 30 2011, gone by Dec 22! To say I feel your pain would be an understatement. The last couple.days were rough- good memories are starting to flood in and that is a good thing but they all end in sadness with me mumbling "I miss you." So today I took the bull by the horns and said "He KNOWS you miss him-enough!" When the sweet memory popped into my head I refused to let it take that downturn. I'm sick and tired of being sad all the time. It worked, I laughed and then went on to something else before it went bad. Btw the memory was how he used to pronounce classical composers' names wrong intentionally just to tease me- Handel became handle, Grieg was greg, and Bach was batch! :-) Hugs to all.

Comment by vince s on May 27, 2012 at 6:29pm

Joni,I'll say a prayer for you and everyone else who choses to come to this site.I've been here for 4 weeks almost daily,looking for something to gently ease the pain.I don't know if anyone can answer all my questions. but many people here have been where you are and are great about how they dealt with thier unique sutuations that may be similar.Alot of my wife's family seems to be moving on with their lifes.For me I can't seem to make myself a sandwich even though I'm starving.I will share this with you Joni even though this weekend was very sad and lonely it wasn't as bad as last weekend.I got a nice prayer saved for you,I'll give it to God tonight for you.God bless  

Comment by joni on May 27, 2012 at 5:54pm

Hmmmmm.......first of all hugs and prayers to all of you! I've not been on in awhile....thought I was really doing a little better....went to see dr. And he recommended I see a physchiatrist, because I was asking him questions about my husbands death! It's only been 5 months, he died of lung cancer on dec26 2011..... Was diagnosed on oct 18 2011. Everything just happened so fast...it still feels pretty unreal most of the time. So many emotions to process....anger , guilt ,heartbreak fear....I get lost in my own head and get frozen in time....I want to go back and do it over, be better, stronger more informed.....and I know I can't go back but also can't go forward at this point either...just so scared , really don't know what to do...so I'll pray some more and believe tomorrow will be better,...GOD please comfort all of us here, help us to get through ......love joni

Comment by Mary M. on May 26, 2012 at 5:33pm

As I read all your posts I cry for each of you and the loved ones you have lost.  Cancer seems to have no distinction, it hits at all ages, ravages bodies, hurts families and yet somehow continues to spread.  I pray that the cure for cancer comes soon so that others do not have to live through what our loved ones did or be left to grieve as another soul is taken home.   Ron, I think you are right, the hurt doesn't really get less we just get better at hiding it from others, to shield them from feeling hurt for us.   These days when people ask if is OK to stop by and I am especially down I tell them its not a good time but we will get together soon.  When I can't hold back tears and people are here, I excuse myself to go to the bathroom.  Only a very few see through this and those are the ones who will hug me, tell  me its ok to cry and feel the way I do.  Blessings to you all.

Comment by Kim Phillips on May 26, 2012 at 3:49pm

Barbara, I understand your feelings of anger and hurt and etc. As I posted earlier I lost my soulfriend.  We were both single for many many years and our lives revolved around each other.  When she died May 12,2012 my whole world ended.  I find no joy in anything.  Every time I leave the house, floods of memories come about all the things we did together and all the things we could be doing.  I would rather stay in my house and hide in the closet and cry. 

Comment by Debra Wick on May 26, 2012 at 12:26pm

Hi all, Bob lived only 83 days after diagnosis of liver cancer. It had already spread to his lungs. The day he departed, Dec 22, 2011 I knew right away that I had been spared. In many ways it was worse but the physical and treatment part- better. :-(

Comment by Sue D on May 26, 2012 at 12:01pm

Barbara, I am so sorry for your loss. Hugs

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