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Comment by Rachel Lynn Schuler on July 5, 2011 at 2:23pm

thanks for all the support guys

 

Comment by Rachel Lynn Schuler on July 5, 2011 at 2:21pm

Cynthia, I tried today to go to the movies for thefirst time in probably a year....I HATED it, I LEFT, I NEVER leave a movie, and it was Cars 2, everyone was laughing, and I just wanted to leave....it was annoying, loud, I hated it....

Comment by Cynthia Horacek on July 5, 2011 at 1:50pm

Mercy and Rachel -

Mercy, I applaud you for finding ways to keep occupied, especially the housework... if you need more, you can come over here!  When I am in that bad, dark place, I seem to seize up and I can't do anything expect either cry or try to zone out in front of the television and I try to find things that will make me laugh, but lately that's not working.  Yesterday was my first 4th of July without Don; my neighbor came over and invited me for dinner which was really nice; at least I didn't have to eat alone last night and it was a brief distraction.  But I found I couldn't wait to go to bed last night, and then I didn't want to turn out the light and go to sleep, but I did, and again, I woke up wondering where Don was.  I hate this.

Comment by mercy on July 5, 2011 at 12:19pm

Rachel, I hear you. I have so many ups and downs in this process. Last two days were ok, but today I'm missing mom so bad. I'm very far away from home (thousands of miles) and have little support here. Today I just feel like I want to just lie down and die, but I have a baby to take care of and a full time job. These are the only two things that are keeping me going. I also keep myself really busy with housework. I clean the house so much, over and over again, very obsessively. Do you have something to distract you, even if for just a few minutes? Before I had the baby, I would knit, crochet, and read to distract myself. I'm here for all of you, even though I don't have much solace to offer, at least I can listen.

Comment by Cynthia Horacek on July 4, 2011 at 2:42pm

Rachel -

I know exactly what you mean; if you read my post below yours, I'm back in that same place.  I say "back" because I was doing better and functioning, and lately I seem to find myself feeling lost; wanting the time to pass faster so I can just go to bed.  I just want to  lay down and die sometimes, but my daughters keep me going, and I couldn't do that to them, or to my parents.  It would kill them.  So I just try to find ways to keep my mind occupied, or I write about it - like here - or talk to someone.  Have you considered therapy?  It can be a tremendous help with the right therapist!  Or a support group if you can find a local one.  I'm sending you a big hug of caring.  Breath deep.

Comment by Rachel Lynn Schuler on July 4, 2011 at 1:02pm

remember the happy times for me doesnt work, i have a vague memory of my mom, somehow it just all turned off....probably god's way of protecting me from deep grief....right now im just trying to make it, im not doing well in any way, and not sure how to keep it together....feeling real bad, dont know why.....not coping, wanting to give up, cant pass time well....

 

Comment by Cynthia Horacek on July 4, 2011 at 12:14pm

Donna - your comment, "People tell me to remember the happy times..."  Those are people, as you know, who have no idea what is like to lose someone you love deeply.  Personally, I've been having a very hard time lately.  My daughter was here from NYC for two weeks to finish plans for her Sept. wedding, and we talked about how to remember her dad; I am so sad that the won't be there to walk her down the aisle.  She wants just an empty chair, and said we'll know what it means, and no one else has to.  Be we wanted something else; something on it.  So we came up with the idea of having an extra boutineer made, and just putting that on a chair next to where I will sit for the ceremony.  I'll be walking her down the aisle; I suggested she ask one of her uncles (there are 4 of them) but she said, no, she wants me, as I guess I'm the next best thing to Dad.  So it's been very hard,  making these plans without him here.  Our older daughter planned her whole wedding herself, and I wasn't really involved in it, but this seems different.  My younger daughter seems to want more of my input, for which I am grateful!  But her living in NY, and having the wedding here in California is also different.  

Today I woke up, and was looking for my husband.  I have many nights where I'm so sure he was there in bed with me, and I look around and wonder where he is, and it's been over 7 months now.  But even tho I have fewer "melt down" days, and now it seems like it's been a long time since I've had one, I find it so hard to find purpose in my life.  I had to give up my little dog last month, and it broke my heart, but he was sick and I just couldn't afford to keep him - emotionally as well as financially.  He has a temporary home at the vet's office, where he as become a sort of mascot there (I speak to the woman who is caring for him when she's at the office, and she has a bond with him).  He will find another home; people told me we got that dog to help me through a rough period, and now it's time for him to move on and help someone else who needs him. And I do believe that's his calling.  And he did help me, immensely.  But I miss my Don, and I want him back.  But I am glad he isn't suffering anymore, and he is out of the pain which plagued him more than 1/2 his life (he had Crohn's Disease, but it was cancer that ended his life).  He was so much stronger, emotionally, than he realized.  He wasn't a complainer, and he didn't moan and whine about being sick; he just dealt with it.  Only at the very end, one night before he died, he said "I hate this."  I wasn't sure what he meant, because he was beginning to become less and less lucid; but I think he meant being dependent on us for his needs, and not having the strength to get out of bed anymore.  All I could to was offer sympathy and empathy, and hold him when I could - if it didn't hurt.  It seemed like those last few days, touching him hurt him, so I only would hold his hand or lay a hand on his wrist if he didn't complain about that.  I apologize to the squeamish in advance, but his blood wasn't clotting, and he began to bleed from his nose and gums, and when I'd wipe the blood away, it seemed to hurt him because he would protest - just a moan or a groan - he couldn't actually say that it hurt, but I knew it did.  So when he died, I climbed into his bed and just held him for as long as I could, until the mortuary came to take him.  And now, 7+ months later, I keep replaying those last few days in my head.  I don't know why that's happening now, but it is.  Sometimes I go into our bedroom and I can just feel his presence; the room is full of it sometimes.  And those times I wake up feeling him, well, I do believe he has been visiting.  I'd give anything to just hold him one more time and it not hurt him.  I miss him so much,  I don't know what to do with myself.  Thanks.

 

Comment by Rachel Lynn Schuler on July 4, 2011 at 12:03pm

good question Sue, survival is hard after a loss like that, after watching that, just going on and being....im lost for sure....unfortunately things took a real turn for the worst for me recently, I got so down well....I should not share the rest of it....I am still recovering, and hoping for some peace, period....my mom was just buried a few days ago, she was cremated, and there were complications with burying her....I'm glad she is now

Comment by Donna Schlatter on July 4, 2011 at 11:50am

Sorry have been out of the loop for a bit.  My son just moved out to his apartment about an hour and a half from us.  He is starting college and playing basketball for this particular college and needed to start a month earlier than classes start.  So all of this hit me at once.  I always think I am the strong one, the one that takes care of everybody, the one that never gets sick, the one that always has the answers.  I prayed that my mother would make it to see her first grandchild graduate, go to prom and go off to college.  The ache I feel is so great that at times I become so angry and confused and just want to get in the car and drive and drive.  I sob uncontrollably sometimes.  People tell me to remember the happy times and unfortunately, this is what makes me sad.  The fact that I CAN'T do those things with her anymore.  I am not a terribly religious person but I do believe in God and I do believe that miracles happen.  I just don't understand why he felt it was ok to take my mom when I wasn't finished enjoying her. 
For this I am terribly angry.  But all of your wonderful posts have helped me understand that I am not the only one suffering and that in time, we all must go.  It has taught me to embrace every second I have with everyone in my life because I will never get that time back.

Comment by Sue Waxman on July 4, 2011 at 11:33am

Mom has been gone 1 week today. Heavy smoker too. You know the 50's, 60's, 70's..it was the in thing. She quit 20 years ago but had COPD and such lung damage after that. Throat cancer came 1 year ago. Watched her strength at 77years old  endure chemo and radiaition. God I wanted to take her place and take her pain. She was so STRONG and couragious. I sit her sobbing thinking about it. How do we survive????

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