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Comment by BLUEBELL on June 24, 2018 at 2:36am

Reading bothers me so I can not go over any of your posts> But I am thinking of all of you.

I had symptoms I could not ignore such as an intense headache that did not go away and nothing stayed in my stomach. It was scary and still is. But I will recover and not have any further health problems from it. The bleed is stable. I just have to wait until my body reabsorbs the old blood. Mean time, I still have throbbing pain on one side of my head which I can take pain medication for and nausea which I also take medication for. Thank the Lord for a good friend who is helping with taking care of my dear dog and cats.

With all my sister has gone through with just losing her husband, this was the topper. She was afraid she would lose me too. But I am a fighter and I am still here. I would not let her come to the hospital. She has been through too much to have that shoved back in her face.

Bluebell

Bluebell

Comment by Brett Bowman on June 24, 2018 at 2:19am

Your mom is okay. You deserve prayers. God loves you more than you can fathom. We are great friends.

You know why you are numb. That's a defense mechanism. You feel all of this. It's in there somewhere.

Comment by Virginia G on June 24, 2018 at 1:56am

Also Brett, thank you for the comment that you were thinking of me.  And don’t pray for me, pray that my Mom is ok.

If we lived close, I think we’d be great friends.

Comment by Virginia G on June 24, 2018 at 1:44am

I noticed none of you commented on the numbness I have.  I guess none of you experienced it.  It drives me insane.  I googled it on this website and found some posts where people had it.  My therapist keeps telling me it’s normal but to me it makes no sense.  How can the worst thing that ever happened to me stop my emotions?  It should be the opposite.  I’d rather feel the pain.  Like Brett said, I feel closer to her when I cry.  Can your mind logically know something happened and at the same time block it out?  It’s my nature to analyze everything and this is driving me crazy.

Before if we were even watching a tv show and something happened to someone’s mother I couldn’t stand it.  If I heard someone lost their mother, I literally could not fathom it.  If I thought about it, I pictured myself driving to the middle of nowhere and just dying.  How am I still here?  How am I able to live and why?

Comment by Brett Bowman on June 24, 2018 at 1:39am

Virginia, someone will help you find your mom again. If I didn't believe that I wouldn't be on this site. I would just wallow in misery. You will hug your mom again. And you will never have to say goodbye again.

Comment by Brett Bowman on June 24, 2018 at 1:35am

Virginia, you just hit the nail right on the head. I do not like to push my religious beliefs on anyone. Even in my darkest days my biggest fear about hurting myself was that I didn't want to blow my chance of going to heaven and being with my mom. Normally I don't like when the church uses fear to make people fall in line, but I tell you what, if fear of Hell keeps someone from killing themselves, that may not be a bad thing. If someone chooses to live, if they keep trying, maybe, just maybe, they can find a way out of the depression that has them weighed down. And I'm not trying to be funny, but with my luck the past couple of years, I could just see me being damned to Hell and never seeing my mom again. So, in a way we are stuck between a rock and a hard place. There are other reasons why I never hurt myself. There is nothing that I could do that would hurt my mom more. Even in heaven I could just see my mom pleading with me not to do it. Two. It's just not my nature to hurt someone, including myself. I just think it's wrong. I will not judge people like my friend Charles because I just can't fathom the kind of pain that he must have been in. I know pain, but I don't know it to the extent that he experienced it. I want to believe that God would not punish someone who was that sick, but I don't know. I'm not God. I won't play God. I just know that my conscience was telling me that it was very wrong to harm myself.

There is something else. I don't know one person who was once suicidal that wishes that they had followed through with it. Those dark thoughts are like an itch. They climax and then they subside. There is always hope that you can be happy again.

I think you were right about your mom's doctor. He probably did see that your mom was worried about you. One of my mom's doctors, her main doctor, once called me out for crying in the waiting room. He told me that there wasn't time for that, and that I needed to be strong for my mother. He didn't want her to see me like that. He was right. There was time to cry later. My mom knew perfectly well how much I loved her.

About medication... it can take a long, long time to find the right one. When you do find the right one, it can make a world of difference.

About Krissy... thank you so much for remembering. Her lump was benign. It's just a growth that dogs sometimes get as they age. That was very good news. She's curled up at my feet right now.

Don't be a stranger. I know you are in pain. We are all here for you. That's not just lip service. We understand very well how much this hurts.  

Comment by Virginia G on June 24, 2018 at 1:27am

Brett, 

  You mentioned being lost when you were young in an outdoor market.  I keep thinking of a time, not that many years ago.  My Mom and I were at the casino and I went to look for her.  I couldn’t find her and was convinced something had happened.  I had a worker helping me look and we checked our room.  She wasn’t there.  They checked on the computer which slot machine her card was last.  She wasn’t there.  Finally someone found her, I went running through the casino bawling into her arms.  I wish I could do that now and never let go.

Comment by Virginia G on June 24, 2018 at 1:22am

Bluebell,

 you mentioned about feeling good about quitting my job.  This gives me no comfort.  As I see it, I was so unbelievably fortunate and lucky to be financially able to do so.  And I wasn’t in love with my job either.  I’d rather be home with my Mom any day.  However taking care of her was a much harder job for me.  

  Brett you mentioned you’re a night owl.  So am I and so is my Mom.  But she could also get away with little sleep.  I don’t know how she did it. She was always like that.  After a certain age, I always wanted to sleep whenever I could, except at night.  She’d tell me to stop wasting my life and now it’s a huge regret.  I could have spent that time with her.  It’s especially disturbing that I slept while she was sick.  How could I do that to her?  I was supposed to be taking care of her.  I wasted my opportunity to give her the best care, love, and emotional support.

Comment by Virginia G on June 24, 2018 at 1:09am

Brett,

back to your post about depression. I had severe depression, ocd, and anxiety while my Mom was sick.  I got ocd in college, it was controlled by antidepressants until she got sick.  My obsession was with germs so with the chemo, I was terrified of her getting sick and it got totally out of control.  I went to several doctors and tried different meds but nothing helped.  I needed to do cognitive therapy and I didn’t put the mental work in. I was too lazy and it was too scary.  My Mom worried about me all the time, in fact, at every oncologist appointment she’d be talking about me.  The doctor would try to make suggestions and I’d say, this is not my appointment.  I should have realized that her doctor wanted me to get my problems under control because it was affecting my Mom.  A huge mistake I made was not getting a grip on my own issues in order to better take care of hers.  The whole past year I could barely function.  I slept most of the time to escape.  I was next to her if she needed me, but she would even ask if the tv would bother me.  I was just reading an article on caregivers about how they may have to deal with anger and frustration from patients.  I was the one with the frustration and she had to deal with me.

  Now, my ocd, as far as fearing germs, has totally subsided, because I don’t care anymore.  Of course I still have depression, however sleep doesn’t feel good like it used to.  I’m afraid to hurt myself because I don’t want to ruin my chance to get to Heaven to be with her.  That’s all I have left.  But like you said, who wants to possibly wait thirty or forty years?

  My Mom had just turned seventy.  We didn’t even get a chance to celebrate her birthday.  I wanted to do something special.  I remember thinking seventy was getting old and being scared.  Now I realize how young it actually is and all the years she still deserves to be doing everything she loves.  That kills me.

Comment by Virginia G on June 24, 2018 at 12:45am

Bluebell,

did you fall?  I hope you are ok.

Theresa,

I’m sorry your dog is still having problems.  I used to worry about my dog all the time.  I even had the vet’s email.

Brett,

what did the vet say about the lump your dog has?

Avi,

hope all is well with you and your family, or as well as can be

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