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Comment by Storyas Fawnfeather on May 23, 2012 at 7:08am

Sue, I am so sorry about your mom and the upcoming anniversary of her death isn't helping any.  And, it's so much harder when you are alone.  Even though my husband is not the most compassionate person in the world and rarely knew how to handle my grief, sometimes it was helpful just to have him sitting next to me on the couch at night watching tv, so I would not feel alone.  I think you can meet a great guy sometime, but just be wary of those dating sites.  Those things attract a lot of calculating people.  My husband was married once before.  He met the woman on the website.  He found out too late that she was a liar - after she had taken him for everything he had.  We still have five years of recovering from it after we were married, and he'd already been recovering from it for a while then.  People can say anything on those websites.  Maybe you could join a group that has gentlemen in it where you could get to be their friend first like a book club or dancing (our city has free dances to keep old dance styles alive on the weekend), which is a great way to meet a guy cuz they need a partner or church or something.  I do hope you meet someone, but you need to be careful where you  meet them.  I'd avoid bars too.  Although I'm sure there are some great guys in bars, there are also a lot of people (men and women) there who are just on the make, so you have to be super careful.

Comment by Sue Waxman on May 23, 2012 at 6:44am

Hello Friends,

It is obvious that all of us are so alike it that we love and care very passionately, especially for our mothers. It will be a year June 26th that my mother passed. It is just as painful this minute as it was a year ago. I recently opened up my life and my heart to a man I met on a website called Plenty of Fish. My friends encouraged me to join this site to meet a guy. Long story short he ended up being a complete liar. He hurt me knowing he was the first man I have let into my life since my divorce 3 years ago. So...I find myself looking again at this sad person in the mirror. I know this to shall pass because I am a strong woman. I've proven that to myself. So I guess dating is out of the picture for me because honestly....I can't handle the BS. I miss my mother so much. She was all I had that was honest. Love Sue

Comment by Storyas Fawnfeather on May 22, 2012 at 10:34pm

I have not been on for a couple of weeks, so I missed a lot of messages.  I want to congratulate you all on making it through mother's day even though it was so painful.  You are all much stronger than you feel, because grief makes us feel weak.  I made it too.  But, I want to make sure I respond to Mark.  Mark - I can feel your pain.  From the words you say, I can tell that you are feeling your grief at loosing your mom much the way I felt grief right after my mom died.  Your taco bell story broke my heart.  My mom loved to eat.  She mostly loved to go out and eat.  So, there are restaurants that I went to with her frequently that I will never walk into again.  It was so hard to watch her loose her appetite.  She loved lemon merangue pie (I know I spelled that wrong) and in her last days the nurse kept bringing her a tray.  On one tray was a piece of lemon merangue pie, and she wanted to eat it.  She took two bites and pushed it away.  I still feel guilty every day, because I think I should have not done this or that other thing I did and spent much more time with her going out to eat even though I did go with her at least once per week.  It just seems like anything I did with her when she was alive was not enough now that she is not here to do it with.  I am a very soft hearted person who gets used a lot due to how soft hearted I am, and my mom and dad were the only two people on the planet that I know for sure really cared about me.  I feel guilty all the time for the people I spent time with or did for when my mom needed me more.  Those people used me up til my well ran dry and then went away, but my mom was always there and now she is the only person I really want to spend time with (other than my dad who is also gone), and I can't spend time with her.  My guess is that you were as close to your mom as I was my mom, and that is why the way you are grieving sounds so familiar to me.  My mom was the best friend I ever had.  We did everything together.  We went to the grocery store, the bank, the post office, shopping for clothes, out to eat - everything together.  Sometimes I feel like I'm disconnected from life now.  I'll be walking along down the street and think, "Oh, I'm still here.  I'm still alive."  Nothing holds the meaning it used to hold.  I know there is some work I have to do before I go be with her, and I truly hope that when my time comes I see her again, but I'm just not fully a live since she left.  And, in spite of saying all of this, I will say that it does slowly get better.  It is better now than it was when she first died.  When she first died I took my breaths so shallow that when I finally healed enough to take a deep breath I was so aware of breathing again that I was surprised at how little I had been breathing.  So, it does slowly get better.  I don't know what the answer is.  I wish I did, so I could share it with you.  All I can say is that I'm willing to talk or listen if you ever need a friend.  I am sorry you are hurting so badly.

Comment by Storyas Fawnfeather on May 22, 2012 at 10:22pm

Marlene, Judy, Kaliha - I can relate to how all of you feel.  I used to have a lot of passion in my life:  i loved life.  I realize now my parents, especially my mom, were the fuel for that.  So, little matters now and there seems to be so little to look forward to.  A dog I got after my dad died one year ago last week is the one thing that keeps me going.  And, I blacked mothers day out this year.  I didn't even go to my mom's grave.  The only way I could handle it was to pretend it wasn't happening, and I did that well.  A week after it was over I realized it was over and I thought - I owe her some flowers.  I didn't realize how good I could be at blocking unpleasant memories.  I had wanted to take her to his revolving restaurant that does a great mothers day brunch for mothers day.  Now, we will never be able to do that.

Comment by Storyas Fawnfeather on May 22, 2012 at 10:18pm

Melissa, I just got back on after a few days.  I got your friend request and accepted it and just sent you a message.  But, I did not get your dream.  Can you tell me where you sent it to.  You know - I kept thinking and thinking and thinking about what my mom was doing in that place where I saw her in my dream.  I don't think she was typing.  I think she was sewing.  She loved to sew.

Comment by Storyas Fawnfeather on May 22, 2012 at 10:16pm

Sunny - I know how you feel.  I have gotten rid of very very little of my parents stuff.  I still have my mom's clothes.  Everyone told me I should give them to charity, but I have a friend who is a social worker who is the head of one of those charity shops, and clothes that don't get sold in 30 days get shredded.  She said that is common practice.  I can't stand the thought of that happening to my mom's clothes, especially since she made most of them herself - she loved to sew.  Therefore, I am keeping them.  And, on the day when I can bear to take a pair of scissors to them and cut them up, I will make quilts for her grandchildren.  I can not yet bear to cut them up to make quilts out of them, but I am getting closer.

Comment by Mark on May 17, 2012 at 2:00am

Mothers Day was horrific.  The day after on Monday it was exactly 5 months.  I've stayed away from this website running from as many emotions as I can.   The heavy blanket that seems to hang over me is unbearable.   I swear it's getting harder and harder.  Last night I sat eating taco bell bawling realizing moms favorite fast food was Taco Bell.  My soul cannot seem to grasp that she's really gone.  I mean, I know she's gone but the idea I'll never see her again it just doesn't compute.  I can't shake that final image of her expelling her last breath.   No one talks about it with me.  I'm infuriated with the woman I allowed to sit with us that final night.  She has blatantly blown me off and avoided me and all along I felt so uncomfortable with her there only to realize we were nothing but a bad train wreck to gawk at.  I hope she rots in hell for what she pulled.    I guess I'm suppose to be past that point in their eyes.  People have shocked the hell out of me at how they just can't deal with my loss.  Sometimes there are days I swear I feel like it won't be long and I'll be done with this misery.  I have no fear of death.  I just can't believe she's gone.   

Comment by Sue Waxman on May 16, 2012 at 9:35am

Nicole,

I just take one hour at a time. When I start thinking about sad thoughts I just say "don't go there" to myself. I miss my mother every minute of my life. At night I wake up crying out her name at times. What would your mother and father want you to do with your life? Would they be sad to see you the way you are right now? If you believe in life after death (and I do), you must realize they can sense how you are doing. The word "watching down on us", is a metaphor I don't like to use. My mother comes to me when she knows I need her support. I have given her permission to be happy where she is now and not worry about me. She is very happy to be with her mother, father and brother and many that went before her. Our life on this earth is so temporary. Remember each day brings you closer to your turn to go and be with God and your loved ones. Death is like birth...the beginning of another journey. Believe me I miss my mother every second. I cry. I feel so alone. Then I think about how much pain she was in with the cancer that destroyed her physical self. We are all going to die. It is just a matter of when and how. If today was your day - would you be prepared? Love Sue

Comment by Nicole on May 16, 2012 at 2:35am

Hi Matt

My mom has been gone almost 8 months and my Dad passed away a year and a half ago.  It has not got easier for me.  Mother's Day was horrible.  I now am realising the extent of my loss.  I am 26 and am not married and have no children.  I have a younger sister who I only get to see every second weekend.  It is tough and it is not something to get over, it is something you must learn to live with.  I must try and find a way to do this, it is very difficult for me.  I cry at work almost every day, I miss my parents so much it hurts like crazy.  I am seeing a grief counsellor and it helps a little, but the pain is always there.

Comment by Matt Smith on May 16, 2012 at 1:30am

It's been a month since my mom passed away.  Mother's Day was difficult.  It's hard to imagine how I am going to deal with other days such as Thanksgiving and Christmas without her.  Her passing created a void in my life that is difficult to explain in words.  Work keeps me busy but its when I'm home that I miss her the most as the quietness of the house reminds me that she is really gone.  I miss her voice the most and wonder if time really does help...hard to imagine things will get better.

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