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Comment by Storyas Fawnfeather on July 21, 2012 at 6:44am

Ann, I am so glad your friend is coming to take you out today.  One thing - you recently had surgery if I remember correctly, so some of the medications or anesthesia after affects may be causing you to feel the grief more intensely.  I was at the hospital this week with a friend of mine who just went through a treatment, and she was crying and crying and crying from the medications.  And, I know they told my dad after his heart surgery that it could be that way for him afterwards too - a lot of emotions.  They said it was some side effect of the type of anesthesia they used on him.  I'm not a doctor and I don't know what drugs they used, but please realize there is a possibility this could be the reason for the extra emotions the last few days and try to stay very close to friends and try to be patient with yourself.  If you start feeling like you could hurt yourself - please get yourself to a hospital.  And, a year and a half isn't that long for someone who was as close to their mother as you were.  I remember at around a year I went to a grief support group and just fell apart - I'm still going to that same group now to help others now that I'm recovering a bit.  I don't feel the extreme pain I did any more, but I still feel the loss.  I have dreams about my mom where I wake up and realize it was just a dream and I feel this emptiness.  Like you, my mom was closer to me than anyone ever had been.  I will never stop missing her, but the pain does get less every year.  Hang in there.  It will get better.  I will say a prayer for you today.

Comment by Ann on July 21, 2012 at 4:15am

I have been in bed for four days, no food, no desire to survive.  A friend is coming to take me out today so I have to get up and put on a happy face.  My mom has been gone a year and a half and surely I am better by now but I am not.  We lived together and I have not changed a thing in her room.  I dust the furniture and rest in her bed. I am on medication and have talked to doctors but I think my heart just broke and I don't think there is any cure for that.

Comment by Judy on July 21, 2012 at 12:51am

Wow, that is something, Storyas! Our situations are so similar. My mother was dying (we just didn't know it yet; neither did she) while I was caring for my dog dying of cancer. My mother was having "indigestion," which turned out to be chest pains, but she didn't want to bother me with her problems since I was so distraught over the dog. The last thing I have from her is dated on the day I euthanized Riley; it's a card full of love and support to me from her. And then two weeks later, she was gone... The dog I have now is really different from the dog I lost, but I had no idea he was coming to me. The way he came was just like he'd been meant for me -- it was all so effortless. I'm still so sad about having lost Riley, but I know Casey and I will bond. I believe that you always get the dog you need. In your case, you knew what he'd look like before he got there! That's just an amazing story about your dad telling you what the dog would actually look like. WOW! I would post a photo of Casey, but I don't know how. DUH.

Comment by Storyas Fawnfeather on July 20, 2012 at 10:04pm

Judy - here is a picture of the dog my dad sent me. 

Comment by Storyas Fawnfeather on July 20, 2012 at 9:41pm

Brette, I am so sorry about the loss of your mom.  I was close to my mom like you were to your mom, and it just about killed me when she died.  Even now after a few years have passed, I still miss her and feel less connected to the world due to her being the person I was closest to above anyone else ever.  Even now there are places I can't go cuz I went there with my mom and it hurts too much to go without her.  Just last week I drove through her neighborhood and past all the stores I used to go to with her and it felt like it was all the same but not real any more.  Those stores no longer have meaning.  I feel disconnected from those places now.  But, the good news is that it hurts a lot less now than it did during the first year after she died.  I still feel disconnected due to her being so close to me, but the pain is a lot less.  It will get less for you too.  Every year it gets a little better.  And, about a year ago I started volunteering in my church, and that has helped a lot, because I'm doing something i like to do and am around other people who really do care about me when I am there.  And, for a long time I couldn't go out to eat with friends due to that being the thing me and my mom always did together, but lately I've started going out with friends.  I'm able to now, and that is helping a little too.  I just can't go to Red Lobster as that is where we always spent our birthdays.  So, maybe if you try to find things that make you as happy as you are able to be right now and do those things it might help.  Just please do know that it does slowly get better.

Judy - I think your mom sent you that dog.  I have a similar story with my dad.  A very beloved dog I had died four months before my dad died.  My dad was worried about me loosing the dog and him so close together (he was dying and he was worried about me!), so he told me he was going to get me a dog.  As time went on, he described it as a white bull dog with white spots who would be an abuse rescue that I would help like I had helped my father (he was a child abuse survivor) and it would come for a hoarder like the dogs on the hoarding show he and I watched together on Animal Planet and it would have a personality so much like my old dog that I would love it even though I didn't feel like I could love another dog.  Just two or three days after my dad's funeral, a rescue contacted me to see if I would take a white bulldog with black spots who was an abuse survivor rescued from a hoarder.  I, of course, took him.  And, he has a personality so much like my old dogs that I love him already.  Sometimes I think I feel my old dog with him he is so much like my old dog.  Your mom sent you that dog just like my dad sent me this dog.

Ann - I believe your Mom was there.  I don't know how it happens, but when my dad almost died six months before he actually died, I felt my mom behind me.  I turned to talk to her and didn't see anyone, and then I remembered she was dead.  I still felt her behind me, so I started talking to her and told her I loved her and missed her.  I think she was there that day, and I think your mom was with you during your surgery.  Maybe God lets them or helps them come back to us when we really need them.  I don't know how it works, but I've had too many experiences to doubt something is happening.

Comment by Sue Waxman on July 17, 2012 at 8:54am

Judy,

The dog is your angel sent by your mother to lighten you load. I have no family after my mother passed June 26, 2011. I now have 4 rescued cats and my Goldren Retriever who has was the best thing I got out of my divorce 3 years ago. Animals have a sensitivity and connection with people that is unbelieveable if you open the door. I work in animal rescue full time and I have witnessed some amazing things. Everything in this life is temporary so embrace and love this dog like there is no tomorrow. You are no longer alone. I am so happy for you right now. Sue

Comment by Ann on July 16, 2012 at 8:12pm

When I was having surgery today I felt my mom's presence so strongly a sense of great peace came over me.  She was always with me for every medical procedure from the time I was five years old.  I tried to be there for her when she needed me.

Comment by Judy on July 16, 2012 at 7:51pm

Thank you, Ann. He's quite a handful now, poor guy. He's trying to figure out the ropes around here. I know somewhere my mother is smiling; she was a big dog rescue person.

Hamsters are actually really sweet little creatures, and very snuggly. I hope he watches TV with you!

Comment by Ann on July 16, 2012 at 7:22pm

I'm so glad you now have a dog Judy.  I can't have a pet where I live but I did sneak in a hamster.  It's something warm and alive in the apartment.  Your dog will give you much joy and unconditional love.

Comment by Judy on July 15, 2012 at 11:36pm

It was two months ago today that my mother died after having life support pulled the day after Mother's Day. the Powers That Be must be looking out for me as today -- sort of out of nowhere -- a wonderful dog came to live with me. I feel so blessed to have had such a loving, funny, smart distraction take place on this particular day. I guess you mark that anniversary every chance it comes up. I haven't even done the really hard anniversaries yet....

I have almost no family, Ann. My dad is still living (86), and I have one cousin out-of-town who is weird, but we feel connected. That's it! The loneliness is profound because we have all lost that one constant giver of love, and nothing ever takes its place. It's hard to live without it, but I think another kind of love must come to replace it in order for us to go on.

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