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Comment by Mark on September 6, 2012 at 1:36pm

This may sound creepy but I have my moms remains at home with me.  There is a purchased plot but I have no desire to put her there.  She belongs with me.   It's all that is left of her and this choice feels right.   I keep them in the bedroom on a shelf but don't feel compelled to talk to them directly as I feel her around me every where I go.  I guess I feel like I'm just keeping her remains safe just like keeping her safe when she was alive :)

Comment by Mark on September 6, 2012 at 3:03am

Mary, loving your memory about your mom being called a little girl.  I have many similar stories with mom growing up.  We'd even get pulled over by the cops at least once a month because they thought she was an under aged kid going for a joy ride.  The car was rigged to meet her physical limitations and she sat on a stack of pillows and even phone books if the pillows lost their fluff.  LOL  One situation very similar to yours... I think I was about 13 and back then my mom was able to walk very carefully with crutch's.  Her gate was very similar to a waddle in order to maneuver.  Always risky in large crowds because just a slight misstep or light touch and she'd be hitting the floor.  Anyway, we are down one isle and a little girl maybe about 5 comes zooming by. She see's mom and freezes taking in the visual.  She starts walking backwards staring at mom and the little girl literally falls against her mom who you can tell is dying a 100 deaths that her daughter won't stop staring.  And the little girls says... Look mommy it's a puppet.  hahaha.  For the rest of my life periodically I'd refer to mom as my puppet.  We'd laugh so hard because that comment was very new to us at the time.  I miss that little woman so much.  12 days til her bday.  8 days away from 9 months since she left.  None of it seems real.  she didn't deserve last years pain and suffering.  i remain blown away how much one human being can endure for the entirety of their life.  

Comment by Judy on September 6, 2012 at 12:04am

My mama was a "girly girl," too, although she preferred wearing pants to skirts as she felt she felt her legs were too skinny. She had lots of beautiful jewelry, a small amount of which I have kept. I likely won't wear a lot of it, but I'm not ready to let it go just now. It hasn't even been 5 months since she left.... Mary, I like your idea about donating the money your mother had left to her favorite charity. That's a great plan. Thank  you so much for the idea. 

Comment by Mary on September 5, 2012 at 8:12pm

Mark, as I read your post I was reminded so much of my own mom, she too was very short.  I remember one time we were in the grocery and mom was in her electric scooter and this little girl about 4 or 5 looked at her mom and pointed to my mom and said, look mommy a little girl! Definitely her clothing-especially pants and skirts were too short for most people, but the organization was so delighted to get clothing that met an unmet need.  My mom also coordinated everything-she had over 700 necklaces and pairs earrings all coordinating with her outfits! and shoes-oh my goodness- so many shoes!! Like Brette I held out some of her favorites and even though I can't wear them I will keep them as they are dear to me.  When and if you are ever ready to part with her clothes, ask around I am sure someone can help you find an agency that can put them to good use.  I am thinking about volunteering at some of the agencies we want to give things to.

Comment by Mark on September 5, 2012 at 2:39pm

In regard to my moms clothing she was so tiny I don't know if anyone could use them.  She was only 4ft4 ish or there about.  Very petite  ( She wasn't a midget.  For the love of God never call her a midget  lol  it was a running joke with us)  But the blouses and sweaters are very very nice.  At her funeral when I spoke I said one of the coolest things I will always love is that my mom was a girly girl.  Her taste's were definitely all her own and every thing down to her bling coordinated.  It's the memories and since I helped her get dressed every time I see any of it, it brings back so much.  It's a connection very few will ever share with their parent.   I was her arms and legs my entire life.  I feel very bound to all of those things but know I can't just let them sit in box's forever.  In regard to the checking account.  Her bank is interesting.  When the woman called about the account she left the choice up to me without forcing me to close it out.  As long as I acknowledged awareness of the account and the amount they'd keep it with no fee's.  I definitely want to take the money and put it towards a charity that's a great idea. 

Comment by Brette Stinson on September 5, 2012 at 2:33pm

My mother was my heart, she was my everything. My mother passed on March 17th of this year. This saturday will be my first sale of her clothing but there are a couple of pieces that I have held back because those were her favorites and they are dear to me. I am very saddened by the thought that Ihave to graduate from school, get married, have a family and grow old with out my bestfriend.  I am 26 and having to know that Imay live to be 80 and my mother has been gone 57 years, scares the hell out of me. I am going through a phase in my life trying to figure out what my purpose is on this earth and I am I strong enoughto live threw all of this hurt and pain that I am experiencing. This messageboard is bittersweet because I hate as people we have to meet under these circumstances but I am glad I am not aone in the healing process.

Comment by Mary on September 5, 2012 at 2:09pm

Mark, My sister and I had no real choice but to get rid of most of my mothers things, but what we did do is try and ensure that everyone in her life that she had a special bond with received something of hers that would have meaning to them.  We donated many of moms clothes to a charity that helps women who are trying to enter the work force and need some nice clothes, we kept the things that meant the most to us and had a significant meaning to us. The rest is in storage for now.  As for the bank account, most banks will eventually make you close the account.  What we plan to do with what little money my mother had is to give it to a charity that was near and dear to her heart, that is what she would have wanted.  You have to do what you feel is right and what you can handle and if that is holding onto your moms belongings, then do so.  But if you think your mom would want you to do something else with them, by all means, when you are ready, do it to carry on for her.

Comment by Mark on September 5, 2012 at 1:42pm

I'm wondering if any others can't completely get rid of all their mom's things?  The reason I ask is because one of my mom's sisters is surprised not only do I have mom's stuff still but I have kept our joint banking account open as well.  It was her's to begin with and we only added my name to reinforce the whole power of attorney situation.  The bank called a few weeks ago and said the account was still open with said amount in it with no activity.  Did i want to keep it or close it.  I told her it sounds strange but I did everything I was suppose to in regard to the funeral, burial, notifying SS, Dealing with Estate Recovery, over due bills but I can't touch that account or the money that's in it.  It's like the final act of eliminating her completely.  I have my own checking.  The funds in the account seem sacred to me.  Her final cash value and I can't take it.  As for her belongings?  I just can't give them away. 

Comment by Mary on September 3, 2012 at 10:09am

Jalysa, your words really hit home with me.  I was very faithful to God before my mom died and she was the epitomy of a Saint, she did not just know of God, she KNEW God and spent most of her days praying for others and praising God. When my mom was suddenly diagnosed with a brain tumor this past Feb 29 out of the blue and died 21 days later, I was devastated, still am. I am very pissed off at God and everyone keeps telling me to pray and talk to God.  The other nite I tried and I could not even come up with a word, then when I was finally able to speak, the fury came out and I told God I was pissed as hell that the one thing I ask him for that means the world to me-the save my mom, he does not answer and he takes the one thing that means the most to me.  Plus I thought that as close as I was to my mom that I would somehow feel her close to me all the time, but I don't-which also upsets me.  I do cry all the time, the thought of her makes me cry because I think of all the things I miss-her hugs, her voice, her love. I know God loves me, but I think I am still in the pissed mode and thing is I know my mom would not want that and I can't get past it.

Comment by Jalysa Reyes on September 2, 2012 at 10:27pm

I don't know how many of you believe in the goodness of The Lord, but if you are hurting and in healing I suggest you start there. I was angry with God for awhile. I kept asking "why?" And at seven years old when I lost my mother I was really pissed off and confused because I was seven and at that age what could I have possibly done to have my only bestfriend taken away? I still go through cycles of missing my mother but I don't cry every night the way I use to. It use to be that I speak about my mother and instantly just the thought of her would make me cry and miss her that much. But I believe that everything happens for a reason. And with that in mind, I continue to ask God to show me my purpose. The closer I get to Gods love the more blessings I receive and the less pain I feel at the absence of my bestfriend. 

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