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I miss my Mom!

If you have that hole in your heart that you get when you lose the woman that you shared a body with....

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Latest Activity: May 14

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Started by Betty Ellsworth. Last reply by Brenda Ann Jan 11, 2019.

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Comment by Brenda on February 15, 2020 at 1:00pm

I completely get it Brett, I do worry that I will go into depression.  I don't enjoy going out anywhere any more.  Really I just go to work, church, cemetery to visit with mom.  I have two girlfriends I occasionally go and take a walk with, text most others who are still around in my life, but most have distanced themselves because they ask me how I am and I truthfully answer, not good most moments, my life has forever changed and I didn't ask for it, so I am sad and mad!  My faith is strong, but I question things.  Trying to sleep is the hardest time, just because for 10 months I woke up for every noise to check on mom, I slept in a bed next to her holding her hand.  Continuously my broken heart breaks into smaller pieces daily.  I am sorry to hear about yours and Theresa's dogs, I can't imagine the worry and sadness you are both feeling for your dogs.  Thank you for expressing and sharing yourself, it helps me!  

Comment by Brett Bowman on February 15, 2020 at 12:44pm

Brenda, so much of what you said is so familiar with me. I haven't been able to take a nap since my mom died four years ago. Once, while my mom was still alive and on Hospice, I laid down for a second. I fell asleep and I was having a sweet dream about my mom. She was healthy and we were having lunch in our sun room. Suddenly I woke up in a panic. My mom was calling for me. I felt so guilty about falling asleep. Whenever I try to take a nap now I will almost immediately have a bad dream that my mom is calling for me and I can't get to her.

I woke up last night drenched in sweat. I couldn't go back to sleep. I don't know what I was dreaming about, but I can guess.

I don't want to give my heart to anyone either. I have my mom's dog and I love her with all my heart. She is the same age as Theresa's dog. I thought I was going to lose her last week. The vet hospital pulled her through. It can't go on forever though. She has so many health issues. I'm going to lose her one day. I have already lost her sister. Mom had two dogs. Losing her tore my heart out. I won't get another dog. I can't go through this again. My dog is all that I have left of my mom.

I gave up a long time ago on having friends that understand. They were good for about a month, but now they think I should just get over it. I would if I could but I can't. Outside of this site, I just keep this stuff to myself.

There is nothing in the world wrong with getting professional help. Our grief is so strong that it can turn into full blown depression. I have a grief counselor. She is a doctor and prescribes me medicine for sleep. When mom was sick I was sleeping with one eye open because mom frequently needed me at night. Now that she is gone I can't turn that off. I went days without sleeping before I sought help. I am a Nutritionist and I could not fix this problem with diet and supplements.

We're not crazy. We just have broken hearts. 

Comment by Theresa on February 15, 2020 at 12:26pm

Brenda. I know exactly how you feel.  This is how time changed things for me, as time went the thoughts seem to have become more acceptable but missing her still remains. And I cry.  Probably to much   

Comment by Brenda on February 15, 2020 at 11:48am

Theresa, I agree with you, I don't want to rely on a Dr or medication.  I want to face the grief head on, I am jist suffering so much with emotions coming at me in all directions, I am struggling to deal and how to deal, my faith is strong, I am just all over the place emotionally.  People in my life don't understand, they have their mom's to go too, I don't, it's painful on so many levels. Thank you for your words of hope and understanding.

Comment by Theresa on February 15, 2020 at 10:25am

Brenda.   I am terribly anxious every day.  I try to have faith in God to get me through whatever I am dealing with.  
I have a dog who is goi g to be 13 in April and all I do is worry about him. My last dog I had my mom to lean on and help me with my feelings.  Now I’m lost anxious and it’s a bad way to live.  People tell me go to the dr get something but I need to face it not mask it.  

Comment by Brenda on February 15, 2020 at 10:07am

I am having such a difficult time getting up and getting through the day without being a total puddle on the floor.  I am feeling anxious all the time and missing my mom so much.  I am just so sad all the time.  I feel no joy anymore.  

Comment by Theresa on February 14, 2020 at 12:38pm

Me too :(

Comment by Brenda on February 14, 2020 at 11:53am

Valentine's day, the day to tell others you love them and care for them, I would give anything to be able to tell my mom how much I love and care for her!  Missing you, loving you, today and everyday day mom!  

Comment by Brenda on February 13, 2020 at 6:48pm

It's good to hear others stories here, you get how hard things were and still are.  They tell me in my grief group that tears and sadness are because you loved so much, I believe that, but it scares me at the same time.  Going through my mom's journey side by side with her has made me fearful of loving someone else.  I don't think my heart can take it, I feel broken and unfixable.  I wake up at night in horrible sweat and tears.  It helps to have people here, I have pushed friends out of the picture because they just don't understand at all.  Here everyone gets it and allows me to talk about my grief without making me feel bad about it, thank you for that!  Hopeful my mom is missing me as much as I miss her!  

Comment by Brett Bowman on February 13, 2020 at 6:14pm

Brenda, I just read your story. Mine is very similar. No matter how sick mom became (she had five forms of cancer, COPD, and congestive heart failure), I still wanted to be the one who took care of her. Mom wanted to die at home, and I was going to make that happen no matter what. We had a long journey. It lasted 12 years. I knew that day would come when it would end, but I always held out hope that the doctors would pull her through one more time. It was akin to being in a little boat that springs a leak. I would plug one leak and then several more would appear. I was shocked when my mom's ER doctor told me that it was time for Hospice. I realized that t here would be no more miracles. I remember going into my mom's hospital room. A Hospice doctor was already there. Mom didn't understand what was happening. I asked the doctor to leave the room and let me tell her. I told my mom that she was going to die. It about killed me.

Even on mom's first night on Hospice care, mom asked me what the recovery plan was. I said, "Mom... there isn't one." Again... it about killed me. I loved on her with all of my might until the day came. I hated to give my mom morphine but it really made thing easier for her. Every time I would give her a shot I would  think, "I'm killing my mom." I have a lot of guilt as well. I don't know a person could experience what we have and not feel guilt, deserved or not.

I wish I had apologized for every bad thing I ever did, tough I know my mom would have just rolled her eyes. Yes, I have guilt, but love trumps that.   

 

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