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I miss my Mom!

If you have that hole in your heart that you get when you lose the woman that you shared a body with....

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Comment by Theresa on January 6, 2019 at 6:39am

I have been trying to live in the moment, because as we all know especially me, tomorrow might not come.

I spend way too much time worrying about what is going to happen tomorrow or the next day or the next, its a vicious cycle.  For me it is difficult to live in the moment.

I have to say I look back on the past three years since my mom died and yes there are things I should have could have done differently.  I cry still because I miss her, I have come to peace knowing I will always miss her.

It is hard to put in words how I feel, my mom was all I had, we were extremely close, being that she had me when she was 42.

But I am realizing the way she passed was more than likely what she would have wanted, for me not to have to take care of her even though I would, it was in an instant, in my head I go over and over my last conversation with her on the phone, and thirty minutes later she was gone.  I was waiting for her to wake up when they were doing CPR, thinking ok she will be ok. No that is not how it went.

I still question myself for not doing an autopsy at my brothers request, because I am the type person that wants to know why-so that being said my mind is like a popcorn machine with thoughts of why did my mom go in CA, what caused it, I will live with that forever.  Her doctor says it was her blood pressure, ok maybe, but there was something else I just know it and I keep looking for the answer.

Brett something strange right after my mom passed I continued practicing Yoga everyday, it helped my mind, but guess what, I have just stopped for no apparent reason, just stopped, I keep saying today I will go to class, I do not know why I don't, but I don't.....

Excuses I guess.

I just keep doing the same thing everyday, go to work, do household chores, take care of the dog, go to bed.  It is what it is I guess.

I can tell you all what I would really like to do is move somewhere warmer, that does not get winter snow.  Maybe one day.

Comment by Avi on January 6, 2019 at 3:37am

Selv. I agree with your points that if we survived our mother's death then what else life can throw on us. I have also became highly tolerant after my mother's death as I have seen the biggest pain so nothing hurts much now. 

Comment by Brett Bowman on January 6, 2019 at 1:35am

I'm in a unique position (grief wise). I have no idea how to get better but I can look back over the past three years and see changes that I would make if I could do it again. That may sound like an odd things say (do it again. post mom) In some sad way I prefer those days because everything about my mom was so fresh. Her voice, her face, everything. It made me feel close to mom even though she was gone. I wish that I had gotten back into the swing of  things so much earlier. It took me two years to go back to the gym. It took me about a year to start working again, and then when I did go back to work, I settled for a lot less than I should have. I wish that I had started to reclaim my life earlier. A lot earlier. I know you haven't lost your mind. Far from it. But you are grieving, and that can make you shut down in ways that you may not even realize now. After my mom died, a friend of mine contacted me. She is a brilliant girl but she has suffered through severe depression. Her advice to me was to go to the store, go for a walk, drive past familiar places. I was reluctant to do the last part because so many places reminded me of mom. She told me to drive a little further each day. Of course, she told me to get back  to the gym. All that made some sense then, but it makes a whole lot of sense now. That's how you go from just existing to living again. You know, I really believed that I would die of a broken heart after mom died. Well, it's three years later and I'm as healthy as a horse (I think). I was waiting for the cosmic big bus to come and get me. Didn't happen. At first I wish that I had learned to live for my mom because that is what she would have wanted, and now I wish that I would live for myself, too. I'm learning. I hope it takes. Losing the person you love the most causes tons of grief, but a lot of our grief is also self inflicted. I know mine was and is. I hope and pray that you will have a better experience than I did.

Comment by SelV on January 6, 2019 at 1:07am

No worries Brett, I only lost my peace not my mind. I get the drift.

Mum and I in our little world is in the past. I am fully aware of that.

Now, it is just me and I in this big bad wolf...oops...I mean world.

Let life throw whatever challenges at me. I had survived Mum's death. so...what could be worse?

My plate is full with work and housework...ha!

Comment by Brett Bowman on January 5, 2019 at 8:07pm

In the end I would cry too frequently in front of my mom. It worried her a lot. Once I went to a restaurant and got my mom's favorite food. She was all excited, until I put it in front of her. She wouldn't touch it. I said, "Mom, please eat something for me! Please!" She wouldn't do it. I bawled right in front of her. She tried to make it better. She told me that she had eaten part of a banana for breakfast.

Once, my sister, who rarely showed her face during mom's sickness, caught me crying in front of mom. She came into my room and told me that it was selfish of me to do that in front of mom. It was all I could do to not just pick her up and throw her out of the house. She had no idea what it was like.

But I think you understand the point that I was trying to make. At some point, you have to go on without your mom by your side. It's the cruelist thing in the world, but it has to be done. Keep her in your heart forever, but move forward. For your own sake... move forward.

Comment by SelV on January 5, 2019 at 7:09pm

"Sometimes, because she was sick, I had to stop and patiently wait for her. When she was ready I would nudge her forward and say, "let's go mom." The stops became more and more frequent. And then she just couldn't go on any farther. She died."

Brett, I can totally relate to the above. Eyes just welled up. Mum couldn't eat, couldn't walk much, couldn't even have proper conversations. She was sleeping most of the times. It was the last leg of her journey. Watching once a robust, healthy, beautiful woman turned into...

It pained me and I cried in front of her sometimes. But that old lady was a rock. She would chide and sometimes beat me with her palms in a friendly manner. She couldn't bear to see me crying. 

She doesn't know that I am still crying. She's at peace and I lost mine. 

This life journey, the longest that I took with Mum from the day I swam in her womb till I watched her(bones and ashes) 'swimming' back into the sea...taught me that the love for my mother never dies! 

Comment by Brett Bowman on January 5, 2019 at 3:32pm

M, I am very familiar with that feeling of vulnerability. My mom wasn't exactly a handy person, but when something broke, my mom would have it fixed. Nothing in our home stayed broken for long. When things started  to break I felt very vulnerable. A lot of things I just didn't know how to fix. I wasn't even sure who my mom would have called when she needed repairs. I also felt like I had let my mom down. She entrusted me with that house. One thing I know for sure though. At the end of my mom's life she wasn't worried about the house. She was worried about me. She loved that house, but not like she loved me.

We sold the house. We made all of the little repairs and some big ones. I imagine that my mom could care less now. That house could have fallen down all around me. At the end of my mom's life, the only thing she wanted was that I not break down.

Comment by Brett Bowman on January 5, 2019 at 3:16pm

SelV, I hope that this will make sense to you. I feel like my mom and I were on a journey. Sometimes, because she was sick, I had to stop and patiently wait for her. When she was ready I would nudge her forward and say, "let's go mom." The stops became more and more frequent. And then she just couldn't go on any farther. She died. I have to go on by myself now. I can't stay in the same place and wait for her. She's not coming.

Comment by M Adams on January 5, 2019 at 3:07pm

For me, feelings about things breaking and needing repair after bereavement seem to have been all mixed up.  When my husband died I found myself compelled to fix all kinds of broken things, chinaware, crystal and glass, wooden, cloth, all sorts of things that had been damaged and put aside.  At the same time I felt and feel tragic and incapacitated about bigger things that I couldn’t fix on my own inside the house.  The fence collapsed, problems developed with the car that my husband loved, the brick front stairs cracked, boards failed in the porch floor, one of the electrical switches in the bathroom broke, the receiver in my husband’s sound system suddenly went dead, the windowbox fell off...I haven’t arranged to fix any of these, feel like I can’t face it.  Just keep living in the increasingly broken environment.  Of course I’m not here much but it’s not just because of that, it’s a feeling of vulnerability.  At the same time, having your home become increasingly exposed with collapsed fences and so on also makes you feel vulnerable and literally exposed.  Since my mother’s death I notice the same desire in myself coming back again...find myself at my parents place buying special glues to fix various broken things, polishing silver, etc.  Very upset when my father kept advocating throwing everything in the trash, like he wants to throw our life, my mother, our whole history away.  My reaction is not reasonable, I know, but when I saw the Christmas ornaments restored and back on display, I felt better and it’s possible that my father did too.  I noticed he sent a bunch of pix of the restored Mrs. Santa and her reindeer, etc., to sundry friends and relatives, anyway.

Comment by Brett Bowman on January 5, 2019 at 10:12am

SelV, a lot of similar things happened to me. In my case I don't believe it was energy. I think it was lack of energy on my part to not fix those things. Our motion lights outside the house died first. Replacing light bulbs is a natural part of life, but every time one died, I felt like I had lost another part of my mom. The big one for me was when an ice tea maker shorted out. My mom had given that to me as a Christmas present the year before she died. She was really proud of it because, somehow she was able to get in her car and go buy it without me knowing. That was the last Christmas present she had gotten me. I cried like a baby before throwing it away. I felt like I was throwing a part of my mom away. More and more, appliances that I still have, that once belonged to my mom will die. That is always hard. It is especially hard in the beginning, because it means that the life I had with my mom is going away. It's no picnic now either.

 

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