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Comment by HelenB on April 8, 2016 at 1:56am

Lucy & Monica -thx for the replies. Yes, I do know abt alanon & it's a very good program, as are most 12 step programs.ive thinking of going back. I really actually relate to the things said here. I do count every monthly anniversary & watch the date as it approaches. I do something each month for her. It's kinda the same activity. Maybe at some point I'll share. I met with my grief therapist & am having a hard time right now. A mom is the important woman In a daughter's life ( and I don't mean to minimize the guys here .. Im just not a guy but I'm sure every child or adult wants a mom's soothing voice & interest & attention). No one can replace her, no matter how she lived or died. Our lives are forever missing what only a mom can give. Sadly, it was so late in life when I finally had to see I was grieving over my mom before she died. Still, her actual death involved gruesome suffering. Sadly, I can't remember too many happy memories to hang onto. So I'm kinda in shock that I, of all ppl, didnt realize the truth for so long. But I wanted a mom! I want to call her still. I can't hate her or feel any relief. I know some ppl with abusive parents have detached & when their patents die, they are even happy! They don't go to the funeral. My brothers didn't remember her year anniversary. I'm isolated too. It's mostly due to my health but honestly, I don't know how to communicate with ppl anymore unless they share my medical illness or they are suffering. I used to be confident and have fun & active & admired to a ridiculous extent. I even thought it was ridiculous then. I just want to be me & happened to once be seen as someone with an important title and everything was great. But omg, I watched my mom orange as a carrot in liver failure, her skin coming apart from kidney and heart failure. And I can't pass grief 101 cuz I don't have enough happy memories of someone who I loved so much but who practically took me to the grave with her & I think would have if she could have. I have friends who I remember lost awesome moms very young due to some medical thing. They are still a mess over it. If grief lasts longer than a few months, it's considered abnormal by the very shrinks who say everyone grieves in their own way and own time. If u read that stuff, it's so if u seek therapy, they can officially turn grief into depression, a billable reason for therapy. It's all abt insurance and $$ from ppl suffering. I wonder if anyone here has benefitted from grief counseling. I have the workbook "motherless daughters." It helps some. Everybody's story is different but some things are the same. I think a problem with healing is one size doesn't fit all. Why are we here and some ppl I've met since my mom died and they say "my mom died 3 months ago" or something & they "seem" to be adjusting better than others. Maybe they have better support In their families. I'd like to know what makes some ppl cope better than others? Maybe some just didn't love their moms as much. Maybe some of us felt something lacking, regardless of the cause of death & maybe don't even realize it. I just feel so bad , like all of u, and want to know how to get out of the daze. What's helped at all? Does anyone else lack happy memories but still loved their moms? It seems the few happy memories make me miss her more and the bad ones make me more stuck with her here when she's not. I want to get out of the past & live what's left of my own life. I don't know how. So many tears I can't stand it. But I'm not like her. I value my life that's why I want to feel better.

Comment by Theresa on April 7, 2016 at 8:16pm

Monica thank you so much, I say the Divine Mercy Chaplet each night.

My faith has given me strength, somehow.

God Bless you also.

Comment by Monica on April 7, 2016 at 7:58pm

So do I Theresa. Without fail. And say Hail Marys as my Mother said all day and whenever she thought someone needed her prayers. Lit an extra one for you,,,on your birthday. Thought n prayed for you. I wish you any moment of peace. Bless you!!!

Comment by Monica on April 7, 2016 at 7:50pm

(Crying) Oh please, oh please Lucy and probably alot of others here!!!! Do not allow anyone to steal away the untimed tears an anguish we feel! It is unfair to each individual grieving process. I spent time feeling like i should be following some mourning process or stage, and there just ISNT one. I validate that by our other members, yrs gone by, yet we still share sooo much pain. It is a very long road ahead i see. Dont we cut the umbilical cord and give child to Mother? So when we detach lifelong physical/emotional bonding even through death, its thee most severve wound any child can be traumatized with. I feel orphaned, lost, dazed n confused without protection. Im a very rational adult. Even after 45yrs having my Mother,,,feeling soo strong against the world and the unknown ahead,,,,her love, support and guidance is ALL that got me here!!! Now where do i go, who do i ask, tell, share, cry and laugh with....well of course, friends family i know,,,but not without my beloved Mothers blessing always. Ive lost my sense of security and didnt even realize how much she was a part of that. I also know that whether our Mothers were sick,,,or died suddenly...the shock by far is quite the same and unwelcome. Lucy, get a cremation necklace & ask ur Dad upon permission to fill it. A teaspoon-great! You can squeeze her n hold it close when u feel like u just wanna rip the pillows apart. Well, i bought one 4 my children. Getting one for myself, I will have them blessed and pass them out on Mothers Day, at my Moms house,,,of course for the last time, as im sure it will be sold soon after (grrrrr,,,all the fine details that find its way to your open wound!!!) Glad u planted that bush. My mother loved Liles,,,oh how i would love to plant them 4 her. Bless all of you!!!

Comment by Theresa on April 7, 2016 at 7:27pm

I light a candle in front of my moms picture every night without fail, and I tell her I love her and miss her, I hope she knows.........

Comment by Lucy Brady on April 7, 2016 at 6:56pm

Thank you Monica...I know people say things that they think they should say without really knowing what I feel. Like so many comments here I read where their mom's cried for their own mother's and I too experienced that with my mom. She would make sure her mom always had flowers on her grave for my nana's bday, Christmas etc. I remember crying softly, and looking at me and telling me that she hoped I would never have to feel empty like she did...I really never thought my mom would ever die...She turned 81 in November and she lived two weeks longer after that. Knowing how sick she was, I never believed it result in her really dying. She had leukemia. She would get so sad each time she saw those St. Jude commercials and tell me how blessed we all were for not having this in our lives...we never saw her diagnosis coming...I can't watch those commercials at all...then I feel guilty not watching or donating to those children...I do give to organizations like the cancer society for my dad's honor, he died from cancer...I know we need to help so many people when we can, and it makes my guilt even bigger. Some people actually think that I use my mother's death as an excuse to cry and stay home...they can't be further from the truth, my mom's passing is every reason for not being able to participate in every day events...I want to be happy and live my life with happiness but most days I don't how I can ever be happy...my mom would want me to be happy...I get that, just like I have the same desire for my own...my mom was the one who really completed the circle of my life. I worked for the Juvenile courts where children were taken from their parents...today I don't understand how any mother could jeopardize their children, because I truly recognize the sacrifices and the power of a mom's love and the impact a good mother has on her children...I was blessed to have my mom...most of us here are...I tell whomever will listen to spend as much time as they can...because yesterday won't come again..I miss my mom...more and more each day...

Comment by Monica on April 7, 2016 at 3:42pm

I really agree and could hear myself saying some of what came from your heart Lucy. And i too, am so sorry we have new members. My sincere condolences to you also. The people who TRY to comfort you, by saying "oh she lived a long life-atleast you have your father-let me know if theres anything i can do for you-Time will heal-you gotta be strong for the kids-give yourself a year.....all these comments ONLY made from those who cannot possibly fathom this excruciating pain!!!! My beloved Mother died suddenly Nov 3,2015. The day after her birthday sadly. I miss her soo terribly. Yes it is surreal. Seems just yesterday we were talking, hugging, laughing.....what i wouldnt give right now for a dream, her scent, her voice, the only love that will ever surround and keep me safe. Oh i miss u Mom!!!!

Comment by Theresa on April 7, 2016 at 2:30pm

Manisha

I wish I could turn back time too, I feel like I should have spent more of my days off from work with my mom, not running errands.

Comment by victor ndazamo on April 7, 2016 at 2:17pm

i feel exactly that Margie missing the part when she needed you the most and didnt realise it 

Comment by Lucy Brady on April 7, 2016 at 2:13pm

I planted a white rosebush in honor of my mom, this was so that I could go talk to her. Helen I'm so sad for you. I am also amazed just how clear you break down every emotion and reason. I agree with you about counseling, there isn't anyone I feel that can begin to touch on my pain, or teach me how to move without my mom. Losing a mom isn't curable or an area that needs repairing. At least that is my thoughts. Only having my mom back in my life can cure what all of us here are forced to live out our lives with...without our moms. I had a friend tell me that I should be happy for the time I had my mom, that I'm a grandmother now. I couldn't believe she could say these types of things, because although I was blessed to have my mom for 57 years, in no way makes it easier to have lost her. Why can't people stop putting a number to love and grief. My mother was in my life daily and in my kids and their kids lives. She was everywhere and people say because of how bug our family is my mom lives forever, but with what I have suffered through since my mom passed, family for me is the last to be here for me to lean on, death life insurance changes people and it surely in my case, they changed for the worse. I'm so hurt  

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