I miss my Mom!

If you have that hole in your heart that you get when you lose the woman that you shared a body with....

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Never ending 4 Replies

Started by Betty Ellsworth. Last reply by Brenda Ann Jan 11.

Does it ever end? 5 Replies

Started by Betty Ellsworth. Last reply by Sun Oct 29, 2018.

I miss my Mom 4 Replies

Started by Sun. Last reply by Michael Thompson Oct 28, 2018.

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Comment by Brett Bowman on November 28, 2018 at 6:50pm

Virginia, the truth is that your post was very carefully worded, and you will be checking in every day to see if it had the desired effect. I just don't have the time or energy to play these games. 

Comment by Virginia G on November 28, 2018 at 1:37am

Well looks like I got everyone angry.  I thought we were supposed to tell all our thoughts here.  I know they do on the spouse group.  Especially since I know at least one of you had the same thoughts at one time.  

You can all calm down.  I won’t post on this group anymore.

Comment by Brett Bowman on November 27, 2018 at 11:50am

Lia, that was a wonderful post. Something I learned is that we may put too much stock in the prognosis that Hospice gives us. We sort of assign a time table. If the doctor says six weeks, we think six weeks, and it is shocking when/if our loved one dies sooner. My mom was not on Hospice very long. I thought we would have more time.

I think our moms would want us to be happy, and they would like for us to to laugh and remember them fondly, even on the day of their death. That is so hard to do though. I wasn't able to do that. Three years later I still am not able to do that, but I am trying. All we can do is try.

Comment by Avi on November 27, 2018 at 9:08am

Thanks for the wonderful post Lia. 

Comment by Lia Lynch on November 27, 2018 at 4:40am

From the morning of my mom's death, there was no chance -- no chance at all -- that I could think a part of me died when she did.

My mom died on my daughter's birthday. And the day before, which was the last time I saw my mom, was my birthday.

On my birthday, in her hospice room, my mom told me that she was going to die soon.  She looked right at me, straight in my eyes, and said it very clearly. I'd been asking the clinicians when I should take leave from work (I teach), when would it come, and just three days earlier they'd said she had weeks. So when my mom said that, still drinking liquids occasionally, still trying for ice cream, I figured... now is the time.  So I left her, went in to work, arranged for my leave to start the next day.  

And the next day, my daughter's birthday, my kid and I woke early, in my mother's house, where we'd all lived together for eight years,  and celebrated.  I sang the birthday song as soon as she woke, as my mother always did me (she woke me with it and those 4am calls in my 20s were deadly!). Let my kid open her gifts.  Got her ready for school. And got the call that it was time.  My mother died before we could get there. 

And my daughter -- bless every thing about her -- asked me, "Mom, I don't want to sound selfish, but... do we have to be sad on my birthday now?" And I answered, "No, sweetie... in fact, it wouldn't surprise me at all if your grandmother did this on purpose, so that every year on this day we have to celebrate, and eat cake, and sing."

And as a mom, that is what I want my daughter to do when I die.  Sing, and give gifts, and eat cake. What I could not bear her doing is dying with me, not even a small bit.  Miss me, sure. Think of me, yes. Die with me, never. 

My mom died within a month of her initial diagnosis. She turned 72 in hospice. She died too young, and she died too soon, and I miss her every day.  She was my best friend, she took us in when I divorced, helped me raise my daughter, and I am lost without her. It's only been 2.5 months. I don't know what I am doing at all.  But I do know that... as a mom, I want my child to live.  So I live. 

Comment by Brett Bowman on November 26, 2018 at 11:18pm

Luis, my mom died of COPD as well. That is a horrible thing to watch. You have made a lot of progress. Being loved by someone is the greatest blessing in the world. You have your daughter and now you have a good man. God Bless you.

My mom was my North Star as well. Just about everything you wrote hits home.

The holidays are so hard. My mom died on Christmas Eve. I found out she was going to die on Thanksgiving day. Her sister called me and told me no to think about that. I told her, "How can I not think about it? I watched my mom die by the light of a Christmas tree." I sat with my mom's body, listening to Christmas music, until the funeral home came for her. Because it was Christmas eve it took about two hours. I just sat there. Her little dogs were curled up next to her not knowing what had happened. I will never forget. There is no way to not think about it.

As for your dad... you are right. I don't think he can help it. I am sure that you feel an obligation as his daughter, but you also have to take care of yourself. There are people in life who will try to rob you of your joy. If you do continue to have a relationship with him, be patient, but do not give him the power to take away the progress that you have made.

Comment by Brett Bowman on November 26, 2018 at 11:03pm

SeLV, I completely understand and I wasn't referring to you. We have a group of people who have posted here for a long time. The support has been great, but I know that I feel a responsibility to speak up if I have any shot of actually helping someone. We are a little family. I have a brother who is a drug addict. You should hear how I talk to him. I supported and encouraged him as long as I could. When I realized that he wasn't going to listen, I had to walk away. I told him that if he was going to kill himself it wouldn't be with me watching.

Theresa was right to tell Virginia to stop. We have all lost our moms. We are all hurting, and we are all trying to keep our heads above water.

Virginia, your fatalistic attitude is dangerous. And it can be as dangerous as my brother's drug addiction. You have conveyed many veiled threats of suicide. There is nothing that any one of us can do from behind a computer screen. All we can do is beg you not to do it. There comes a point that, if you are going to continue this, you need to talk to your therapist, and you need to tell him or her that you don't think life is worth living.

Posting things like, "Don't tell her she's not dead", is not helping anyone. You are among a group of people who are hurting, who also lost their moms. You are very much alive. If you don't believe me, touch an oven burner with your hand, and then tell me that you're not alive. Wake up! Be your own advocate. Fight for your life! Fight for happiness. Hug your dog. Do whatever it takes to begin the healing process. You have given yourself a self imposed punishment that will only drag you down into a dark pit. You know that, but you do it anyway because you think you deserve it. You are a victim. You are the victim of a traumatic event, the loss of your mom. We all are victims of something that we could not control. But there is life yet to be lived, whether we want it or not. I hope that you can get it through your head that you were in any way responsible for your mom's death, and that life is worth living, but if you don't, just like my brother, it won't be with me watching. 

Comment by Luisa Salter on November 26, 2018 at 10:27pm
Greetings to all. It’s been a long time since I last posted something. on August 30th 2018 it was one year since I lost my Mom. She died of COPD and I was there with her. I am realizing how denial had a strong grip on me during the first year that Mom was gone. Now that the holidays are here again, I feel sad and lost, like my world is unraveling at the seams. My Mom was my North Star. She always knew what to say when I was struggling or felt out of touch. She was there for me, until the very end. I have a lot of guilt now, about not being a better daughter. I am feeling such deep pain, and I don’t want to feel it. Since she passed, I met someone... He sort of swept me off of my feet, and we bought a house together this summer. He is a good man, good to my daughter, and he has two kids of his own. Moving out of my old house was so stressful, and now I’m trying to sell it. I’m wondering if I sort of unconsciously chose all of this change in an effort to distract myself from the pain of grief. I also felt so alone when she died. Maybe I was just looking to not feel that way.

Now my life is so different that I barely recognize it. It’s not bad, I have all of the things that I thought I wanted, and I work at staying grateful...But I am not healed from the loss of my Mom. More than anything I want to be able to call her on the phone and tell her all about my life and what has happened since she passed. I mean really talk to her and hear her voice. I miss her unbearably.
I have a very difficult relationship with my Dad. He is a very mentally and physically sick person. I have avoided talking with him for the past couple of months. I feel too vulnerable. He is unpredictable and can say hurtful things.
I am angry sometimes because he is the parent that I have left. I feel like our broken relationship is staring me in the face. It’s not really his fault that he has been so angry and abusive, as he is truely a sick person. So I feel guilty keeping him mostly out of my life. I don’t know what to do...
Comment by SelV on November 26, 2018 at 6:33pm

Oh well Brett...I am not an authority on life and death and I do not subscribe to any organised religions. All I know is that I lived in my mum's womb for 9-10 months and she had all always been there for me after I came out from her till her last breath. So when she died she took part of me away. I cannot quantify the part in fraction or percentage.

For those whose lives revolved around our mothers especially as caregivers, 24/7, the loss of our mothers and the accompanying pain cannot be explained by mere words. So we cry, feel guilty, express our regrets, get angry and sometimes think, say or write things without thinking due to overwhelming grief. This process comes and go, comes and go. 

The purpose of life is to live. The worthiness of it is an individual perception based on one's life experiences.

Right now, I exist because I have not made peace with myself and have not come to terms with my mother's death. I had her with me for almost 57 years...the good, the bad and the ugly!

Good day everyone!

Comment by Brett Bowman on November 26, 2018 at 3:20pm

SeLV, you are right that we should all encourage each other, but we have to be responsible as well. I will not encourage the notion that life isn't worth living. 


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