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I miss my Mom!

If you have that hole in your heart that you get when you lose the woman that you shared a body with....

Members: 731
Latest Activity: Aug 17

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New here 3 Replies

Started by Lynn Fisher. Last reply by Brett Bowman Jul 12.

Never ending 4 Replies

Started by Betty Ellsworth. Last reply by Brenda Ann Jan 11.

Does it ever end? 5 Replies

Started by Betty Ellsworth. Last reply by Sun Oct 29, 2018.

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Comment by Brett Bowman on January 7, 2019 at 9:12pm

I never really outgrew laying down next to my mom. She outgrew it for me. Mom was real fussy about her bed. Her mom was, too. Mom would make up her bed all the way through her sickness. I don't know how she did it but she did. There came a point when I would lat down next to my mom out of necessity and she was too sick to argue. I needed to be there in case she needed me. Mom was never a mushy person, but she relented in the end. She would let me hold her hand. I guess she knew that time was running out and that I needed that.

Comment by M Adams on January 7, 2019 at 4:50pm

Brett, you brought back a memory — for some reason I never became grownup enough to not lie down in the big bed with my mom.  In the last few years we would go in there, close the door, get under the covers, and watch an old movie on the barely functioning bedroom tv whenever my father took an impromptu nap in the den, where the “good” television is.  It was often more hanging out and talking, putting on hand cream, etc., than serious movie watching.  When my father would eventually wake up he would always throw the door open dramatically and express some degree of outrage at our sneaking off.

Comment by Brett Bowman on January 7, 2019 at 12:55pm

Just seems like the world is a cold place without my mom. It's the same world it always was, but I view it differently now. I imagine that I always will. There is never a good time to lose your mom, but I sure wish that she was still here with me, healthy.

Comment by SelV on January 7, 2019 at 1:58am

It's ok Brett...having a good time with your friends and then feeling guilty afterwards. You are still grieving. 

It is important not to dismiss, deny, belittle or escape our grief. Don't rush through it. Deal with it head-on...it is painful, I know. 

I too wish, I could do a time travel...back to the past. Happy days. Happy family. And my beautiful mum.

Right now, I can only relieve that golden era. 

Comment by Brett Bowman on January 6, 2019 at 11:03pm

I had a sad thought today. I remember one Christmas, I wanted a digital wrist watch. Believe it or not they were new at the time. My mom got one for me for Christmas. I wore it to bed and I kept waking up to press the little button so the watch would light up, and I could see what time it was. I just keep thinking, my mom was a single parent. She worked hard and always got us what we wanted most at Christmas. At some point she had gone to the mall after work and got that for me. It wasn't expensive or anything, but it still means the world to me. To be loved that much, and to think, if I had wanted to I could have gone into my mom's room and lay down beside her. I did that a lot when I was little, whenever I was lonely or scared.

I can't do that now. I wouldn't crawl up beside her in bed now, but I would sit next to her and I would tell her how horrible it has been without her. And I would thank her for everything she did for me, and apologize for all of the bad things. The thing is, I want to go home. I want to get in my car and drive back to the 70's or 80's. I can't.

I miss my mom. I miss feeling safe and loved. I went to church today and cried at the altar. That's the closest I can come to my mom now. It's just not enough. I need to put my head in her lap and cry. 

Comment by Brett Bowman on January 6, 2019 at 12:25pm

A large part of my grief is self-inflicted because I always see the worst case scenario now. I project. There are many people who, as if the grief of losing their mom wasn't enough, who will feel the need to punish themselves even further. Primarily through guilt. I went out to dinner a few nights ago with friends. I would start laughing, and there was a part of me that would suddenly think, "I shouldn't be happy. I'll never see my mom again." It's an emotional roller coaster. My mom's death is the origin of this, but I also play a role in it. It's a vicious cycle and sometimes we have to fight for happiness.

Comment by SelV on January 6, 2019 at 6:49am

Totally Avi...

Losing one parent is hard. Losing your second parent is harder still. When it happens to be your mother, lo and behold, it is the most painful and cruelest(like Brett mentioned) reality that slaps a son or daughter. Maybe I am just on survival mode. Come what may...I don't give two hoots now!

Brett, it took me four months before I went back to work. I took half load for half pay from July to Dec last year. I am on full load now. Going to work takes my mind off. Of course, I come home and grief...ha!

People advised and still advise me to do this, do that...I hear them but both the spirit and flesh are weak. When I am ready, my heart will tell me so.

Self-inflicted grief? Now, that's something new!  

I grief because my mother died. You grieved and maybe still grieving because your mother died. It is an emotional pain of losing someone who was our heart and soul. 

Comment by Theresa on January 6, 2019 at 6:39am

I have been trying to live in the moment, because as we all know especially me, tomorrow might not come.

I spend way too much time worrying about what is going to happen tomorrow or the next day or the next, its a vicious cycle.  For me it is difficult to live in the moment.

I have to say I look back on the past three years since my mom died and yes there are things I should have could have done differently.  I cry still because I miss her, I have come to peace knowing I will always miss her.

It is hard to put in words how I feel, my mom was all I had, we were extremely close, being that she had me when she was 42.

But I am realizing the way she passed was more than likely what she would have wanted, for me not to have to take care of her even though I would, it was in an instant, in my head I go over and over my last conversation with her on the phone, and thirty minutes later she was gone.  I was waiting for her to wake up when they were doing CPR, thinking ok she will be ok. No that is not how it went.

I still question myself for not doing an autopsy at my brothers request, because I am the type person that wants to know why-so that being said my mind is like a popcorn machine with thoughts of why did my mom go in CA, what caused it, I will live with that forever.  Her doctor says it was her blood pressure, ok maybe, but there was something else I just know it and I keep looking for the answer.

Brett something strange right after my mom passed I continued practicing Yoga everyday, it helped my mind, but guess what, I have just stopped for no apparent reason, just stopped, I keep saying today I will go to class, I do not know why I don't, but I don't.....

Excuses I guess.

I just keep doing the same thing everyday, go to work, do household chores, take care of the dog, go to bed.  It is what it is I guess.

I can tell you all what I would really like to do is move somewhere warmer, that does not get winter snow.  Maybe one day.

Comment by Avi on January 6, 2019 at 3:37am

Selv. I agree with your points that if we survived our mother's death then what else life can throw on us. I have also became highly tolerant after my mother's death as I have seen the biggest pain so nothing hurts much now. 

Comment by Brett Bowman on January 6, 2019 at 1:35am

I'm in a unique position (grief wise). I have no idea how to get better but I can look back over the past three years and see changes that I would make if I could do it again. That may sound like an odd things say (do it again. post mom) In some sad way I prefer those days because everything about my mom was so fresh. Her voice, her face, everything. It made me feel close to mom even though she was gone. I wish that I had gotten back into the swing of  things so much earlier. It took me two years to go back to the gym. It took me about a year to start working again, and then when I did go back to work, I settled for a lot less than I should have. I wish that I had started to reclaim my life earlier. A lot earlier. I know you haven't lost your mind. Far from it. But you are grieving, and that can make you shut down in ways that you may not even realize now. After my mom died, a friend of mine contacted me. She is a brilliant girl but she has suffered through severe depression. Her advice to me was to go to the store, go for a walk, drive past familiar places. I was reluctant to do the last part because so many places reminded me of mom. She told me to drive a little further each day. Of course, she told me to get back  to the gym. All that made some sense then, but it makes a whole lot of sense now. That's how you go from just existing to living again. You know, I really believed that I would die of a broken heart after mom died. Well, it's three years later and I'm as healthy as a horse (I think). I was waiting for the cosmic big bus to come and get me. Didn't happen. At first I wish that I had learned to live for my mom because that is what she would have wanted, and now I wish that I would live for myself, too. I'm learning. I hope it takes. Losing the person you love the most causes tons of grief, but a lot of our grief is also self inflicted. I know mine was and is. I hope and pray that you will have a better experience than I did.

 

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