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I miss my Mom!

If you have that hole in your heart that you get when you lose the woman that you shared a body with....

Members: 731
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New here 3 Replies

Started by Lynn Fisher. Last reply by Brett Bowman Jul 12.

Never ending 4 Replies

Started by Betty Ellsworth. Last reply by Brenda Ann Jan 11.

Does it ever end? 5 Replies

Started by Betty Ellsworth. Last reply by Sun Oct 29, 2018.

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Comment by Avi on May 14, 2019 at 9:33am

Hi Betty, 

I wish for your comfort as guilt is a tough emotion. I am sailing in the same ship as you. 


This is Avi from India. 

Comment by Brett Bowman on May 13, 2019 at 1:49pm

Betsy, this is a tough post to answer or respond to, because I know that you have already put yourself on trial and found yourself guilty. You are not going to be consoled now. You want people to tell you that it wasn't your fault, but you will argue with anyone who does. I'm in tremendous pain myself and I do not have the energy to fight with you.

I will tell you that there is nothing in the world sadistic about a DNR. More times than not it is merciful. When a person is that sick, what they need is more important than what we need. I needed for my mom to live. Her body would not allow that. Mom had a DNR. I miss her every day. It's horrible. I sure know that I didn't kill her though. If I hadn't given her water and food, or if I had laughed when she called out to me, that would have been killing her. Did you do that? I sincerely doubt it. 

Comment by Betty Ellsworth on May 13, 2019 at 10:11am

Whoever came up with dnr. Must have been a sadistic person.  I lost my mom over three ago.  Now I'm hearing ads of cures and treatments and now have the guilt.  I keep hear the words of the doctor that I was tying his hands and I was killing her and I would be condemn. To hell.  I cry every night and I know now the doctor was right I did kill her

Comment by M Adams on May 12, 2019 at 11:43am

This Mother’s Day I keep thinking about my mother’s gift of joy ...she had a very unusual ability to appreciate things, even the simplest things, and people, and events large or small, and thereby to create joy for those around her.

Despite the sadness of loss, hope you all are able to revisit some beautiful memories today.

Comment by M Adams on May 7, 2019 at 11:03am

Sue, we are in a similar situation — this is the first Mother’s Day without my mother for me as well.  My husband’s birthday often fell on Mother’s Day, which he liked, as he loved celebrations but didn’t like them to be very focused on him.  My mother had the same quirk, so it worked out well to have shared parties or a weekend of celebration.  Very different now, but I am trying to be grateful as well as sad.

The packet of seeds that I mentioned earlier has some writing on the back that seems relevant — will try to put a photo of it here.

Comment by Brett Bowman on May 7, 2019 at 12:16am

Mother's Day is my mom's birthday. There is good and bad about being further removed from my mom's death. I remember when she died, in the days and weeks that followed I would think to myself, "In 20 years maybe I will have adjusted to this." It's going on three and a half years and the trauma of her death has abated, but one thing I regret is that my mom is not as fresh in my memory as she was. I think about her every day, but I can't hear her voice or picture her face as easily. The memories are still there but I feel further removed from them. Immediately after our moms die it is hard to accept the reality that they are gone. You just saw her. You just talked to her. It's hard to imagine saying, "Mom" and not having her answer. The second phase of grieving for your mom is when you finally know that she is gone and she is not coming back. That's a cold reality. Now it's about holding on to what I knew. M, those little green shoots you saw are important. You are keeping her memory alive.

Comment by M Adams on May 6, 2019 at 11:28pm

My mother was the heart of our family — hard to go on without her, but I appreciate the image of love continuing to flower.  At her memorial packages of seeds were given out — she loved to garden and grew beautiful roses, lilies, tomatoes, everything.  A while back I put them in a pot on the windowsill, watered them and set the pot inside a plastic bag.  This morning checked for the first time and saw some little green shoots coming up.  In a way I’m dreading Mother’s Day but this made me feel a bit closer to her.

Comment by Avi on May 5, 2019 at 11:40pm

Thanks for sharing this M Adams. I also weep remembering small small things about my mother. 

Comment by M Adams on May 5, 2019 at 10:18pm

Just came across this quotation from the wonderful British actress Miriam Margolyes.  Very devoted to both her parents, she took time away from her career to nurse her mother through illness, and later had this to say:

” [on her mother] She took centre-stage in our lives. She was the star. And when I hear pieces of music that my mother liked, I weep. I think it's true that the people you've loved in your life never leave you, because seeds of that love always remain flowering somewhere.”

Comment by Brett Bowman on April 26, 2019 at 10:37am

The triggers are one of the hardest thing. Just hearing a song, driving down a familiar street, a smell, a television show, can all bring back a painful memory. Even if they invoke a nice memory, it still hurts because of lost time, not being able to have something that had always been there.

The goal and hope is  that one day those triggers will not hurt so much, that they will even make us smile. But it's hard to get from point A to point B. All we can do is try and to realize that there are things in life that we cannot control.

 

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