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Comment by Storyas Fawnfeather on October 29, 2012 at 1:49am

Ann - I am so sorry that you are feeling so badly that you think about killing yourself.  I think that is common for people in deep grief - I've thought it myself.  Please promise me you will go talk to a counselor or get a grief support group where you can physically touch base with someone.  I know your Mom would not want that for you.  Are you a Mom?  If so, think how you would feel if your child killed themselves.  You don't want to put her through that either.  I believe they still see what we are going through from the other side.  Go to the After Death Experiences group on this site if what I'm about to say is not understandable - but I get phone calls from my dad since he passed on.  Often they have been to answer my requests that he let me know he is alright.  A few weeks ago, my dad's dog who was really sick was dying, and she was suffering.  My phone started ringing every night instead of intermittently until I took her to the vet.  The vet confirmed there was nothing that could be done for her and that she was suffering, so I euthanized her.  The phone calls became intermittent again.  I think they can still see us and care intimately about our suffering.  My dad knew his dog was suffering, and I could help her.  He kept calling until I did.  I do not think they would want us to harm ourselves.  I think they would know if we did, and I think it would be as devastating to them as how we feel now.  Please promise me you will see a counselor.  If you can't afford one, most cities have places where you can go for free or sliding fee scale counseling.  Blessings to you.  I will say a prayer for you tonight.

Comment by Storyas Fawnfeather on October 29, 2012 at 1:44am

Sonia - I am so sorry for your loss and your pain.  I know how bad you are hurting.  It was the same with me.  I was always my mom's best friend.  I never dreamed it would hurt almost as much when my dad died as it did when my mom died, but it did.  After my mom died, me and my dad got so close.  It wasn't that there was anything wrong with him before that.  It was just that he worked such long long long hours, so I did stuff with my mom while he was working.  Me and my mom did everything together - grocery shopping, bank, get our taxes done, plus the fun stuff like going out to eat.  I've never been that close to anyone in my life and never will be.  I always loved my dad and was always known by every one to be his favorite, but we just never had that time together untll after he retired.  My mom was already gone then.  So, that last few years we had after she died, I got so close to my dad.  And, even though I had always been closer to my mom before he retired, I was amazed that it still hurt so bad. I didn't expect that.

I also feel like my dad gave up after my mom died.  But, you know what, we won't really know what they were thinking or what led them to their decisions.  We'd probably be wrong if we guessed.  So, it is probably best not to torture ourselves trying to figure out what they were thinking.  I just truly believe that no matter what led them and each of us to our ends that we all go to a better place.  I do not think she is suffering any more now.  There is a group on here called After Death Experiences.  I have had many and would have thought I was nuts had it not been for that group letting me know many many many people have those experiences.  I really believe those experiences are to let me know they are okay.  It sounds like your Mom had a hard life in many ways, as did my dad.  We can find some comfort in knowing they are at peace now.

I do want to assure you that the pain does get easier with time.  I couldn't believe that at four months, but it does.  Hang in there.  It does get easier.

Comment by Storyas Fawnfeather on October 29, 2012 at 1:37am

Simin - happy birthday on the 7th.  Do you have someone you could share a cake with on that day, so that you don't feel you lost everything.  Or, maybe you could bake a cake and go to her gravesite and still share it with her.  If you leave the rest there as a memorial though just please make sure it is not chocolate as animals will eventually eat whatever is left, and chocolate is not good for them.  This is just an idea.  That may be too painfully impossible for you just yet.  It's just an idea.  If not, maybe you can share a cake with a good friend or celebrate with the rest of your family or something.  I'm just coming up with the cake idea, because my mom always made sure we had a cake and party and stuff, and I've decided this year on her birthday that I want to get her favorite cake from the bakery I used to get it at and take it to her gravesite.  It was too painful for me to do it up until now.

I know, those dreams make the day harder, but I'd rather have them than not have them.  At least I feel like I was with her that night.  Any time I can have with her is worth it.  But, you are right - they do make the days, especially the next morning, harder, because you feel the loss all over again.  I don't know what the answer is other than time.

Comment by Storyas Fawnfeather on October 29, 2012 at 1:32am

Michael, I know what you feel going through your first birthday without her.  My mom died 1 month and 1 day before my birthday.  We always went to Red Lobster together on my birthday and her birthday.  I remember a few days after she died driving by that Red Lobster and just completely falling apart in the parking lot of the mall next door.  I'm not going to lie, I still can't step foot in a Red Lobster and likely never will again, but it is better every year by a little bit.  I can drive by now without crying and feeling like I can't breathe.  Unfortunately, all you can do is feel the pain on this birthday and wait for it to be a little easier next year.  But, maybe you can do something special for yourself on your birthday to help you get through it - buy yourself that something you've always wanted or go away with a friend or something - whatever would give you a moment of happiness.  Just please know it gets better.  When I think back to how much pain I was in that first birthday sitting in the parking lot at Red Lobster, I am surprised I lived through it.  But, it is a little better now.

Comment by Mary on October 28, 2012 at 11:00pm

Ann...I don't know how to say this, but I believe your mom would say, "don't you dare think like that."  Regardless of how old you are, you will always be your moms little girl and she would never want anything bad to happen to you because of her.  Come on here, talk to the folks on the chat.  We are all going through the same loss and through the grieving process and we can help each other get through this.

Comment by Mary on October 28, 2012 at 10:50pm

Sonia, I am sorry for your loss.  I understand what you mean about good days and bad days. I don't know how long this lasts, but my mom passed in March of this year and the roller coaster continues for me.  Your mom loves you always.  This is a great support group!

Comment by James D on October 28, 2012 at 10:05pm

Hearts and hugs to everyone, Y'all. If there's anyone in the eastern seaboard tonight, my thoughts go out to you. Please keep friends and family in your prayers/thoughts tonight if they are in Hurricane Sandy's way. 

Comment by Sonia Skipper Protheroe on October 28, 2012 at 8:22pm

i lost my mom on june 27 2012 and this has been the hardest 4 months of my life. i have always been a daddy's girl and never thought that losing my mom would have this effect on me. I have my good days and i have my bad ones it comes and goes. My mom was the most amazing woman i have ever known. She would give you the shirt off her back to help you. She had diabetes and diabetic neuropathy in her legs. In oct of 2010 she had a abdominal aortic aneurism and had surgery to correct it. I can count the number of days on my hands and feet that i was away from my mom after that. about a week before she passed away she was complaining about not being able to catch her breath this continued til the day before passed. i went to her house the day before to pick up my daughter, as she got off of the school bus at moms, and mom said that she was feeling alot better so i didn't think anymore about it. come to find out later she was in the throws of diabetic ketoacidosis and this is what her cause of death was ruled. I also found out that if she had been taking her insulin like she should have this wouldn't have happened, but i think that she was looking for a way out of her miserable marriage, collapsing house and 4 impending surgeries. I don't think that she really grasped how much we all loved her. I also don't think any less of my mom if this is what she ultimately did to herself. I love my mom and she will always be in my heart. I'm sorry i am rambling on and on. yesterday was the 4 month mark and sometimes i just wish i could stop grieving and that she was still here. i just want to give her a hug and tell her that i love her.

Comment by Ann on October 28, 2012 at 7:43pm

My mom died on March 18th, 2011.  My grief has not let up.  I miss my mom every minute of every day.  The thing that keeps me alive is that I have no way of easily ending my life.  If I had a gun in the house, maybe I would no longer be here and in so much pain.

Comment by Dr S Gh on October 28, 2012 at 7:02pm

Hi everyone, and hugs to u all. Thanx Storyas and Judy for comforting woeds. Staory, i always have the 'mum is alive and well' just before i waken in the morning and i know that it will mean that i will be extra sad on that day, like today. To be honest i prefer not to have this recurring dream, but i know that i'll be having it for a long time to come. It's effecting me really badly, the days that i haven't had the 'mum alive' are much easier to cope with.

Michael, it's my bday on the 7th of November and i just don't know how i will get through. Mum always made bdays big family occasions and often baked and decorated cakes for us her children and made extra eff my little niece and my nephews when they were younger. I really don't know how i will ever get over mums death. Seems ipmossible. I know i will never be the person i was with mum on the palnet. It's like i've lost my whole identity, it's a weird feeling.

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