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Comment by Mary Elizabeth Webb on June 5, 2011 at 7:06pm

Congratulations on new blessing. Very exciting you were able to be in room with your daughter. Enjoy!

Comment by Cynthia Horacek on June 5, 2011 at 2:37pm

The tears do come when they want to.  I have found the best thing at least for me, is to just let them come and not try to fight it.  It is hard when they want to come and I'm somewhere in public where I don't want to be sobbing away; those times, I do try to hold them in until I'm in private.  But whenever I talk about him to anyone I get teary and people understand.  

All I can say, especially to Jan, is that it doesn't help anyone to have those regrets.  It may be part of the process, and we each have to do whatever it is we need to do.  I am thankful that my husband and I were in the habit of saying "I love you" frequently, and that we did communicate about our feelings as much as we did. I've started to more aware of how I am with others whom I love, and being sure to tell them or thank them for something.  

This is probably the hardest thing we will ever do.  But I do have some positive news to share: Friday morning at 12:28 a.m., my daughter gave birth to her second son, and this time I was able to be there with her, and as her husband is squeamish and wasn't by her side when she got down to the moment of pushing, I counted for her when she pushed, and saw him born.  I cut the cord!  My first grandson was born when we were in Hawaii, 3 1/2 years ago, and was premature so he was whisked off to the NICU and she didn't even get to hold him right away.  This baby was full term, placed on her stomach immediately and the nurse then cleaned him up and gave him back to her.  He was very mellow - he let out those first few loud cries to get the oxygen into his lungs, and then he just opened his eyes and was looking around; when the nurse gave him to my daughter, he was just gazing up at her.  I visited yesterday and just held him for a few hours.  They gave him my husband's name for his middle name.  So that's my positive note to end on.  Thank you.

 

Comment by Rachel Lynn Schuler on June 5, 2011 at 10:55am

crying is natural and healthy, although until this morning i havent done it....i went to church and it brought back some emotions, but it was good for me....im so sorry Jeanne, hang in there hun, and he is with you, always, remember that, that should give you comfort.... :)

Comment by Jeanne Potter on June 5, 2011 at 9:12am

I can so relate to what you are saying Jan. On June 22nd it will be our 26th wedding anniversary and it will also be six months since Harry passed. I am having much more trouble now than I did when it happened. I don't know why exactly, but seem to cry a lot. Maybe the time of year, I don't know. I think it is the realization that he is not coming home. The long wait to be with him again is awful.

Comment by Rachel Lynn Schuler on June 5, 2011 at 5:48am

I'm so sorry Jan for your loss....it sure isnt easy

 

Comment by Rachel Lynn Schuler on June 5, 2011 at 5:47am

thanks so much Cynthia....I first may talk to my church pastor, I think its a good idea, he also knew my mom, so, he knows exactly whats going on....I am going to be going through a program for another type of therapy, and when I do that, probably my mom will be delved into too....I dont think of her all the time, just at times there are moments where it hits me....or is harder for me....thanks again :)  sorry the support group didnt help you

Comment by Elizabeth Low on June 5, 2011 at 4:08am

It's after the numbness wears off that we begin to feel again. The pain. The sadness. The longing for him/her. I've been up since 3 a.m. and I don't concern myself with that. I can always rest later after church. I did this when Floyd was alive and so ill. I just go with the flow of it, and I don't let it bother me. It is what it is. This is what our approach had been from the day Floyd was diagnosed with AML. What a cruel and explosive disease AML is. There just is no out running it. I reflect on our lives together a lot now. It's been 8 weeks since Floyd gently, quietly, and peacefully went home to be with the Lord and a moment has yet to pass that I'm not thinking of him, missing him, And, yet I know this too will pass and not ache so deeply. Oh how the cycle of life effects.

Comment by Jan Duvenage on June 5, 2011 at 1:54am

It has now been just over 13 months since my wife has passed away due to cancer, and the longing has just grown stronger. The grief has softened but the tears still flows freely when certain songs play or i look at pictures of her. Every now and again i hear her laughter or her voice and i still have dreams about her which i treasure. I have so many regrets like not telling her more often how much i loved her, or not taking that trip just the 2 of us to get away from everything and everyone. She was allways the one to surprise me with a surprise meal or a surprise birthday weekend away for the two of us. I blame my work for not doing these things for her but really i could have done more. This is not accounting for blame or who is guilty of what but about how i really feel. I find it so hard to adapt to everyday life and even though i am carrying on with it, it really is not easy facing every new morning without her.

Comment by Cynthia Horacek on June 4, 2011 at 6:06pm

Dear Rachel -

I want to tell you, and this is only my opinion and experience, but therapy helps.  It might make it feel worse in the beginning, but it also gives you a place where you can openly feel your grief and let it out, and that is part of healing from this terrible experience of losing someone you love.  I tried a support group about a month after my husband died and maybe I wasn't ready, but it just wasn't for me.  The group was made up of only people who'd lost a spouse, not a sibling, or another relationship like a parent, and I thought it would help to be around other people who'd had the same type of loss and maybe I would learn to cope better from them.  But for me, it didn't work like that.  They were very nice people and I might try again, but i'm not ready for that.  However, being in weekly individual therapy has been a tremendous help, because my therapist doesn't tell me how to feel or not; she just supports me.  She helps me when I feel stuck and helps me find my own answers to issues that come up.

I'm glad you are going to give it a try.  Good luck with it.  

 

Comment by Rachel Lynn Schuler on June 4, 2011 at 4:58pm

hello everyone....i havent been on in awhile...im still thinking of her, my mom, but trying not too think too much...the pain is too much....its been 7 months, seems like yesterday....my dad's birthday is Monday, he also died of cancer....i miss him too, its so hard to lose your parents....I am going to begin counseling soon, I need it, but afraid to "face" this....I dont want to make things any worse, make sense?  I thought of her smile yesterday when I would visit her....gosh I miss her....I always will....how does anyone cope????

 

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