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Comment by Jeanne Potter on July 14, 2011 at 7:08am

I think I just had a realization of something. My husband's name was Harry Potter. For the last 10 years we have had a lot of fun with that. He has been on CNN and the Today Show. David Letterman wanted him to do his show two years ago and do the top ten list on Harry Potter. He couldn't as he was away on business. What I just realized is that I am constantly hearing his name. It is always there and as long as I hear it all the time, it is almost like he is still in the present with me. I just heard the commercial that said, Tomorrow the Final Chapter of Harry Potter starts tomorrow. I relate so closely to it. I kept telling him when he got calls to do things or give an interview that he should do it because his 15 minutes of fame was almost up. I didn't know how true it was. This probably sounds stupid to all of you, but I think it does have an affect on how I react to people when they hear his name. It changes from sad to, wow that is cool. His favorite line to people when they heard his name was, "I had it first". I will miss that and it is all about to come to an end.

Comment by Donna Schlatter on July 14, 2011 at 7:07am

Joseph, am terribly sorry that not only are you grieving but it seems like you are having to deal with some very selfish people.  How old are Cara's children and sister?  Are you saying you lived in her place and her family just came in and started removing items? How insensitive.  How about sitting and talking about when a good time WOULD have been to go through all the things together.  People don't think.  I feel terrible for you.  Keep letting it out to all of us so you can at least know you have support.  I can honestly say that this site has really put my mind in a comfort zone at times...when I feel very sad, I come here and just read.  Sometimes I don't post anything.  I may tear up, I may laugh, I may visualize some of the stories I read.  My heart aches for everyone.  Even though we have all experienced different losses, we are all grieving for the same thing.  Please allow yourself to be angry and hurt and sad and happy.  These are all the phases.  Seek professional counseling if necessary, which I think I may do in time when I'm ready.  Don't let your own life slip away because you are an important person with so much to offer the world. 

Comment by Cynthia Horacek on July 13, 2011 at 10:57pm

Joseph -

I am so very sorry that you are being treated so poorly by Cara's family.  No, it isn't fair.  You made their mom happy, and you'd think that would mean something.  She was your partner; you must be so hurt by this kind of treatment.  I wish there was something I could say that would help, but I know there isn't.  I'm glad you found this site; this is a good place to "rant."

Comment by Joseph Weston on July 13, 2011 at 10:48pm

Kathryn,

 

There is NO doubt that they watch over us, and visit us. I know this to be true. I find comfort in that.

Comment by Kay on July 13, 2011 at 10:02pm

Joseph,  I can feel your  pain and I am so sorry.  When my husband died I felt cheated, we had a good life together and I love and miss him so much. What helped me  just recently was when I talked to him like he was in the room. I told him everything I was feeling - the good- how much I love him - and the anguishing things - like how much I wish I could have helped him more.  I  think our loved ones are with us at times trying to comfort us. I know some people will think that is crazy but it helped me.

Comment by Joseph Weston on July 13, 2011 at 9:06pm

Today, Cara's children and sister stopped over. Seems that 11 days is sufficient time to go in and divide the spoils. Yes, I'm angry, yes, that thinking is incorrect. 1/3 of the household went out the door today, because cancer didn't give Cara & I enough time to finish our plans. The rest will likely go Saturday. I didn't come into our relationship with a lot. Most everything was hers. I understand that the kids need as much of their Mom as they can. But after 9 years of devotions, growing to love the things we had to make such a beautiful home, to see it all disappear and know that now I have to make the decision on how to move forward, after 2 weeks notice. Without her, I just don't know. We built 2 businesses, hers and mine. Minor stuff, but gave us a steady income to go see art shows, go to dinner, movies... the like.

 

I still have mine, but I was invested in hers. Every aspect. Sometimes I think the kids just want me gone, tho they tell me otherwise. It's as if 9 years of Love, support, and devotion to one another, just plain doesn't count.

 

Enough rant for one day... I'm exhausted.

Comment by Kay on July 13, 2011 at 8:43pm

Thank you Jeanne for your kind words and support. I have had a lot of firsts lately and I feel overwhelmed at times. Most of my friends and coworkers have not lost their spouse so I am thankful I found this support group. I recently went to our little northern Michigan town where we have vacationed for years. I cried for two days in anticipation of this trip but once I got there I felt mostly peaceful. I also had the feeling that he was watching over us, especially at night when there were millions(?) of visible stars and many shooting stars. I had a strong feeling he was looking at the same sky and that was comforting.

Comment by Cynthia Horacek on July 13, 2011 at 7:51pm

Barbra - Thank you, and yes, I feel it.  The hole in my heart will always be with me; but I know he wanted me to go on and he said he wasn't worried about me because I'm a "survivor" and I'm "strong."  If he'd only known that my strength went with him the day he died.  But little by little, I find it because my daughters, even tho they are adults, need me, and my parents are still alive and they need me, too.  I'm glad you're letting in the love thats there.  If I didn't have so much support and love from friends and family, I think I would have ended my life months ago - I couldn't have gone out without it. 

And Jeanne, the firsts are so hard.  The first Christmas, last Christmas, we didn't have Christmas.  We didn't light the Hanukah candles, either, and that was the first time in 31 years.  Our 32nd anniversary would have been Feb. 10, just before Valentine's day; we always gave each other both Valentine's day cards, and anniversary cards; I found one in my stationary drawer that I had bought and was holding onto to give him this year.  Cleaning out drawers I found a lot of things we had given each other over the years; he kept every single card I ever gave him, and all that our girls had given him, too.  On his birthday, I took a hike on a trail we used together and scattered some ashes.  My daughter's wedding in September will be hard; but I know he'll be there, somewhere, watching over us.  I feel him here with me so much - sometimes I feel his presence in our bedroom and it just fills the room.  

I finally took his clothes out of the closet; I still have them; I put them in another bedroom, just to see how it feels to not have them in the closet.  I'm not sure yet.  I think I've gone back into numbness for a while.  It seems like a safe place to be for now.  

I, too, am sending all of you out there big hugs; I hope you can feel them, and let it in.  Take care. 

Comment by Barbra Ingrassia Fairman on July 13, 2011 at 6:44pm

I've been so angry and bitter over my brothers death. There are times its worse than others.Today I feel strong and I let people in (1st time since his death 1 year and 3 months ago). I feel the love out there from others and it helps me deal with my pain or maybe to move away from the pain a little. I will never forget, I don't want the hole in my heart repaired but I do need to feel the love.So to all of you, I am sending love. To you Cynthia I am mentally sending you love, hope you feel it.

Comment by Jeanne Potter on July 13, 2011 at 5:24pm

So sorry to hear of your loss Kathryn. Last month would have been our 26 anniversary and it was a very hard day to get through. I think all these firsts are the roughest. My next one is Sept 4th when it would be 31 years since we met. He used to tease me because I would remember all these different dates. Now it seems like a curse. I have to say that once the day passed it seemed better. Hang in there.

 

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