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Comment by Brett Bowman on July 31, 2017 at 9:08pm

Theresa, friends will often try to analyze your relationship with your mom and why you feel the way you do now. I get that a lot as well. I think they are missing the point. We are devastated because our moms have died. That is in and of itself enough of a reason to cry. We cry because our moms are gone and we can't talk to them anymore. We can't see them. We can't hug them. We can't tell them that we love them and we can't hear the words said in return. What more reason could we have to cry? There is no picture perfect ending to the death of anyone's mother. It will always hurt badly. Believe me, your mother knew then and knows now how much you love her.

I do realize that there are people who handle the loss of their mother better than I have. Well, good for them. I only know one way to grieve her loss. It's nothing that we could have practiced for. What we feel is what we feel. 

Joy, my experience as mom's caretaker was different than yours. I jumped in with both feet and if anything I clinged to her even more tightly as time went on. I didn't want help. I loved for friends and family to visit mom. I loved to see that smile on her face. I loved to see how much other people loved and appreciated my mom, but you couldn't pry me away from her with a crowbar. I knew the day would come that I would wish she was still there and she would not be. I knew that one day all of that medicine, her hospital bed, her clothes, everything would be gone. And now that it has happened it's almost like I can go back in time and see myself sitting next to her dreading that day.

It still hurts badly. I can only imagine how much your mom loved and appreciated you for being her caretaker. There is no such thing as a perfect caretaker. But what there is throughout that whole process is love. It's not always pretty but it is still love. You wouldn't be here on this site if you didn't love your mom with all of your heart.

Again, I just wish that I could hug each one of you and give you a shoulder to lean on and a friend to talk to. It's not like I am healthy myself. Lord knows I need a listening ear, too. I just know what it is like to lose your mama and I wish that I could be there for each of you. 

Comment by Joy on July 31, 2017 at 7:50pm

Janie, while it's inevitable, I'm sorry you had to lose your mom. It hasn't been a full month so I'm familiar with the raw feelings of losing a dear mom. My mom died just over 2 mos and I'm still reeling from her death. Like you, I was a caregiver for nearly 3 years and even before mom became disabled, I still did everything for her because she lived with me. I'm devastated.

When I first started caregiving, I jumped in with both feet, happy to do everything for her and make her last years as comfortable as possible. As time went on, I started to get caregiver burnout, started feeling angry and resentful over the situation. I felt trapped because I didn't have any other support.  If I had known then the pain and grief of losing my mom, I never would have complained. It's too late now, I have to live with my regrets. I had a terrific mom and I know she wouldn't hold anything against me and she would understand just how tired I was. I just wish I had been more compassionate and understanding and not so self-consumed with my own troubles. I believe she knew that I loved her dearly. I just beat myself up over it because I wish I would have handled it more gracefully.

Comment by Janie m Snitko on July 31, 2017 at 7:37pm

I was my mamas caregiver for four years we socialized and looked forward to seeing each other. She was my best friend. We got closer as we both aged. I am so glad to have spent the time with this precious woman who gave me life. I will never be the same again. The thought of not talking to her and never seeing her again is something I have a hard time with. I am trying very hard to now take over the role as the family's Matriarch. What a big responsibility she had. I loved her so so much!!!

Comment by Theresa on July 31, 2017 at 7:29pm

Today, I cried alot before work, I just miss her so much, no one to talk to everyday and everynight, I try to pull myself together because I don't want to go back into my extreme anxiety again, I have not slept well since she passed.

Someone told me its because I can't accept the fact that my mom died, or because she was not ill and died suddenly without warning.  I feel like maybe I should have seen something wasn't right the two days prior to her passing, but she didn't lead me to believe so, she was her normal self with the exception of the feeling in her stomache

Comment by Brett Bowman on July 31, 2017 at 11:35am

Joy, I feel the exact same way when I am at work. Before mom died I couldn't wait to get off of work so that I could just chill. Now I look forward to getting off of work so that I can cry. Sometimes it starts as soon as I get in my car. It's not that I enjoy crying or grieving. It's just that it helps me to relieve some of those pent up feelings.

I have noticed that I cry until I run out of tears. It's not a very long hiatus though. I build up more tears. I don't know if it is healthy or not. I know that it would be unhealthy to suppress those feelings. I have to be who I am.

Worst of all it is so hard to find any relief. Where do you go? It's not like there is a special place for folks who miss their mamas. 

It hurts greatly. I will lie down on the floor with my two little dogs and just bawl. I love them so much. They are my best friends but they were also my mama's. That makes me sad to just remember how much they meant to her and the way that she use to baby talk them. God I miss that. It's me and two little dogs curled up on the floor.

My heart goes out to all of you. I know. I know how much it hurts. I can't hug you all from a computer but believe when I tell you that I care. You are not alone. 

Comment by Joy on July 31, 2017 at 10:46am

I miss my ma so much and the grief is so overwhelming today I feel like screaming, but I can't because I'm at work and I don't think that will go over very well.

I would love to be able to quit my job so I can just grieve, but I think that  being unemployed would drive me crazy without the job to distract me. It's a catch 22.

Comment by Janie m Snitko on July 31, 2017 at 10:04am

This is a picture of my wonderful Mama who passed on July 3rd 2017

Comment by Brett Bowman on July 29, 2017 at 11:56am

Bluebell, thank you as well. You are not alone. I wish that I could sit by everyone of you when you cry. Not because I know your experience. We all had different experiences with our moms. I just know how it feels to be without a mom.

After my mom died, there were a few kindly ladies who said, "I will be you mom." As well meaning as they were, I knew that could never be. We only get one. Only one person carried us in her womb and felt us kick. Only one person nurtured us as little babies. I remember when I was a toddler. I was the baby of the family. While my brothers and sister were at school it was just me and mom. I remember playing in the kitchen floor while mom cooked and cleaned. I remember the way she would put me in the grocery cart and push me around the store. I grabbed every item in the basket like it was a foreign treasure. I remember the times when mom would pick up something for me on the candy aisle, and she would tell me that I had to wait until we were in the car before I could eat it. I even felt a little jealous when the other kids would come home from school because I had to share her. I loved my quiet mornings with mom. Even when she would send me outside to play a little, I only had to look at the kitchen window to see her smiling at me.

I never knew how young my mom was then. I wish I had. I wish I had known that I had many decades left with her. There is a security we feel in the presence of our moms that is so unique to her. I even remember my smart aleck years when I couldn't wait to go to college, to leave our little town, and to leave mom and start my own life. You can wish precious time away if you are not careful.

I also remember the day my mom dropped me off at college, watching her drive away. It was like I had been kicked in the gut. A precious time of my life was gone and there was not getting it back.

I only know one way to write about my mom. It can only come from the heart. People sometimes wish that they had spent more time with their moms, that they had called her more, or just made time to drop by and visit her more often. The truth is that it is never enough. I told my mom everything that I could possibly say. I sat by her bed when she was sick and held her hand, I would whisper quietly, "I love you mama. Thank you mama!" I could not have told her that I loved her more than I did. 

On her death bed I was chanting I love you like it was a mantra. Mom would say it back to me when she could but she began to slip away. She let go of my hand. And then she couldn't hear me anymore. And then she was gone.

No matter how many times we tell our moms that we love them, we are still one "I Love You" short. We can never say it enough. The pain really starts when she can't hear us anymore.

I remember the sound of my mom's voice before I would say goodnight to her. She wore a Bi-Pap mask when she slept. I can still hear that gurgled voice. "I love you. Thanks for taking care of me." Oh, God how I would love to hear that again.

I remember when the time came and mom just couldn't get out of that hospital bed anymore. One time she said, "Can I have a cookie?" My mom asking me for a cookie. I said, "Mom you can have anything in this world that you want."

All of you guys know this feeling too. Our experiences may have been different but the feeling of loss is shared by all of us. It's a bond that well all have. We are not alone in our grief. It may feel that way. The world carries on as usual. Tight now there is some kid who is arguing with his mom. If he only knew.

Comment by BLUEBELL on July 29, 2017 at 10:19am

Thank you from me too Bret. You express yourself beautifully in writing and it is from your heart. God bless you. My tears of grief will be added to yours today and I know I will not be alone. That is a comfort to me.

Bluebell

Comment by Theresa on July 29, 2017 at 5:29am

Brett, thank you.

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