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Comment by Joy on August 24, 2017 at 9:31am

I agree with Oatmeal's comments about being depressed. I haven't been to the doctor for a diagnosis, but I have enough sense to know that what I feel/am experiencing is more than just grief. I'm not inclined to take antidepressants. I'm sure they are helpful to some, but I don't want it nor do I want to become dependent on that.

Also to your comment re: someone saying that we will not need a mom there, that may be true, but I believe our relationships with our mom's will be so much better than we can imagine (even though they were great here). The thing that makes me sad is that Mom doesn't need me anymore like she did when she was alive on earth. I don't believe she has forgotten me, but because she is so happy where she is now, I've receded from her view. Because she see's God's face everyday.  I believe when we're reunited, our love for Jesus will be the main focus for every child of God as it should be. I think we will enjoy one another.

Comment by Brett Bowman on August 24, 2017 at 8:59am

Theresa, you have a uniquely painful struggle. Once in 2012, my brother was visiting. My mom became very sick. I wanted to call 911. My mom fought me hard on that one. She had already had enough of 911, ambulance rides, and being poked and prodded for three days.

The next morning mom was even worse. This time I didn't ask. I called 911. Mom was mad at me. She said that she would be fine if we just let her rest.

After the ambulance took her away, my brother asked me if we should follow. I had been through this many times before. I told him no. I knew that it would be quite a while before mom to be processed. I told him to take his shower and to have breakfast. I was sure that mom would be okay. She and I had been through this so many times before.

Big mistake. Mom had never been this sick before. She had been bleeding internally. She was unresponsive when we arrived at the hospital, and it is not like we took our sweet time. We were there within the hour.

Mom was placed in ICU. We were told that she would not make it. I had never felt so much guilt in my life. If I had any idea of what was happening to mom, I would have ridden in the ambulance with her. Mom and I thought that this would be just another trip to the hospital. They would make her better, and she would be home in a few days.

Mom did make it, but I will always feel guilty about that day. I should have been by her side the whole way. Even if I could not do anything but sit close to her, I should have been there.

You had no way of knowing that was your mom's last day. You did not get to bring your mom home like I did. 

There is very little consolation in any of this. I still lost my mom. Regardless of the circumstances, losing your mom is devastating. If it had been that day at the hospital, or even the day I lost her, sitting by her side, holding her hand. There is simply no good way to lose your mom. And believe me, I have found many other things to feel guilty about besides that day at the hospital. There are a million things that I wish I could do over.

Your mom and my mom loved us greatly. We had the same number of years with them. I could tell you to not feel guilty about the way things happened, but I know that I would not be able to take my own advice if I had lost my mom that day. All I know is that you loved your mom every bit as much as I loved mine. You would have given your life for her in a second. I would have given my life for my mom is a second.

We both lost our moms and now we are left to pick up the pieces. Just remember that your mom knew how much you loved her. She not only knew it, I bet that she felt it to her core.

Loving people with all of our hearts is the best we can do. You know as well as I do that your mom does not begrudge you for arriving late. My mom would not have judged me. Your mom is in heaven loving you still, more than ever. When you do see her again, I can promise you that neither of you will be thinking about that day at the hospital. It will just be a reunion of two people who love each other as much as two people can love each other.

Comment by Brett Bowman on August 24, 2017 at 8:26am

Joy, your post was beautiful I was the baby, too. I was also very sick when I was born. I could not digest food. Mom was told that I likely would not make it. I did make it. Mom was always very protective of me after that. My mom and dad divorced when I was six. He was never a part of our lives after that. I became my mom's lifelong companion. I never married. I never wondered too far away from my mom. When she moved to another town, I followed.

The things you wrote about Walmart, watching television, all of it. My mom always cooked on Sundays. Man I miss that. There is nothing about her that I do not miss. When mom was on hospice, I moved to her room to be close to her hospital bed. I still sleep there. At first, after she died, that was comforting to me. It made me feel closer to her to be in her room. It's not so comforting anymore. I realize that I had sort of a false security. When someone is gone they are gone.

I have some weird anxiety triggers. Right now I am having so much trouble thinking about my mom's body lying in her grave. That preserved, yet decomposing body. That kills me. I know she's not there but it is still hard to think of her lifeless body.

I think this should be mentioned. Intense grief can lead to clinical depression. Many of us are not just dealing with the loss of our moms. We are dealing with clinical depression. That makes things so much worse. We just don't have a fair chance to heal.

What is also very strange is that I am not sure that we all want to heal. If getting better means coming to terms with the fact that we will never see our moms again... that is asking a lot. Just like when my mom was sick, I still continue to cling to my hope. Hope for what? I don't know. She's not coming back. I can't stand the idea of my mom becoming a memory of the past. I still wish that she was an active daily part of my life. I know I can't have that but all of this grief makes that as possible as it can be. I am still holding on to her. Hard to let go. Too hard.

Also, Joy, like you, I admit that I would rather be with her in heaven. The thought of living another 30 or 40 years breaks my heart. I have prayed to God many times and have asked him to take me. I wish that I could give my life for someone else who is dying. Someone else's mom. It's like being next to mom was my natural place. Now that she is gone I feel like I do not have a natural place in this world. That has been ripped away. I could only be so happy without my mom. Even when I think of healing and moving past this, I know that I will never be as happy as I was when she was alive. That is a hard pill to swallow. I will always believe that my best days are behind me. That really sucks the joy right out of living.

Someone told me yesterday that even when I die that it will not be the same. You won't need a mom there. I guess that is so. I would imagine that in heaven we are all bound together as one. As happy as all of that sounds, even the thought of that makes me kind of sad. The idea of not needing my mom to be my mom. My dream of heaven would be a place where mom and I go back to business as usual, only this time, we never have to say goodbye again. Jesus said, "In my father's house there are many rooms." I want a room right next to my moms.

I imagine that once you get to heaven, and I sure hope that I am going to heaven, all of that will makes sense, but here in this life, my human brain wants things to be the same as I remember them. That is all I have ever known.

Comment by Theresa on August 24, 2017 at 5:34am

My mom was 92 active, just leased a new car, met her friends everyday at the lunch spot and went to church every morning at 7am

This is her at 91 right before she left for church...

I am 52

 

Comment by Janie m Snitko on August 23, 2017 at 9:20pm

Mom was 89 I am 68 .

Comment by Janie m Snitko on August 23, 2017 at 9:19pm

There are so many times I think I need your advice and you were my best friend and confidant I have no one to vent too.

Comment by Janie m Snitko on August 23, 2017 at 9:15pm

God is with us all suicide is not what our Moms would have wanted us to do! It is devastating to lose our parents! You feel like an orphan. We must go on for our parents and children and grandchildren. As always I love you Mama and miss you so much!

Comment by Theresa on August 23, 2017 at 8:24pm

Joy - God is giving us all strength I truly believe that

Comment by Theresa on August 23, 2017 at 8:22pm

Brett you said it just deal with the pain the best we can. I feel like because of the way my mom passed so unexpectedly I am not sure I will ever recover from it. I remember that day like exacly I think to myself ok my mom was going to go the hospital they're going to take care of whatever was going on and we would leave and go out to breakfast... no instead I get a phone call from the nurse at the hospital saying my mom was in full cardiac arrest I did not have any idea what they were talking about I felt blank I seriously did not know that her heart stopped I thought maybe a heart attack from that point on my mind was frozen I felt like I was in a haze. I felt like I had the life sucked out of me literally. During the first year I was so distraught the anxiety and the stress I got sick. I was praying please please let it stop. My doctor kept telling me it's from anxiety crazy what anxiety can do to your mind and body

Comment by Joy on August 23, 2017 at 7:15pm

My mom and I were two peas in a pod. She was 31 years older than me, but the age difference didn't matter because she and I always felt that had I been born around the time she was born, we would have been lifelong friends.

I cannot remember a time I wasn't close to my mom. I think being the baby of the family had something to do with it. After my grandma died, mama was able to take me with her to work as they had a daycare directly next door to her office and I can remember crying my heart out when I had to separate from her the first day. The teacher let me pass out the snacks to the other kids to console me and then I was fine.

Mama told me she felt something strange (she couldn't really describe it) happen in her body when she was pregnant with me. She described it as us being knit together. I take special comfort in that thought but it also tears me up because we've been separated. Even though it's temporary and I know I'll see her again, I still hate that death took her away.  I hate the heartache that never goes away. I hope I don't have to wait too long before I see her again. She had to wait 43 years before she could be reunited with her mom. Right now, the thought that I could live another 30-40 years before I saw my mom again makes me nuts.

She was such an integral part of my life, everything reminds me of her. Movies we watched together, songs we listened to on the radio, when I go to Walmart, I think of my mom browsing around. I remember the fun we had during family trips we took. I won't be able to do anything with her again and I'm not sure how long I can handle that. I can go into her bedroom and not completely break down now, although her scent is still there. I can still smell the shampoo on her pillow. Now I visit mama and daddy's graves every two weeks. They finally installed her headstone, so I can put some fresh flowers there next time I go.

I cannot wait for our reunion because I know it will be great! It just sucks waiting for that day. God give me strength until then!

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