Don't grieve alone; 14,000 members and growing
If you have that hole in your heart that you get when you lose the woman that you shared a body with....
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Started by silvia maria. Last reply by silvia maria Aug 5, 2022.
Started by dream moon JO B Aug 13, 2021.
Started by Lucinda. Last reply by dream moon JO B Apr 19, 2021.
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Bluebell, you experienced something that has always been a curiosity to me. You are a Hospice nurse, but as much as you can love and care for your patients, there will always be that degree of separation. You know. When it comes to your own mom it takes on a whole new meaning.
I guess that is good. You would go crazy if you had the same reaction to the death of a patient that you did when you lost your mom.
I guess what I am trying to say is that there are people all over the country who are sleeping peacefully tonight, but sooner or later something will happen that will shake your foundation to the core.
As much as I care about the homeless families that I have worked with, I still go home at the end of the night and crawl into my own bed. I have told friends that I am so sorry about the loss of their moms, and then I went home and watched television with my mom.
It all took on a whole new meaning when it happened to me.
Theresa, I will always wonder what is happening when I pray. There's a lot that we just can't see. He may very well be sitting right next to me when I am so brokenhearted. Jesus said that he and his father would make their home with the broken hearted. All of the answers that we are looking for are just on the other side of a very thin veil.
Bluebell, I want to believe you. It's hard to find a purpose when I keep losing so much of myself. I am not the same person that I was. If I make it through this it will only be by the grace of God.
I'll be honest. After mom died I became very involved with an organization that helped the homeless. Their stories were all so sad. Families sleeping in their cars in the winter time. They would park in a grocery store parking lot until the police chased them away. That would happen a couple of time a night. They would turn the heat on for a minute or two and then they would have to turn it off to save gas. Many of those people are Christian. They have tremendous faith and they are getting help now. Still, listening to them, I couldn't help but wonder how far God would let me fall before he helped me. That might be selfish but I couldn't help but wonder. I have a very cautious walk of faith. I am no better than those folks are. I want to believe that God is helping me and I really feel like he is. I'm just scared. Jesus said that there is enough to worry about today without worrying about tomorrow. Well, believe me. I worry about tomorrow. I am ashamed to admit that.
God bless you to Janie.
Brett
I feel your pain and how difficult it is for you to make this transition. It is not easy. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. God will guide you and help you find the strength to find meaning in your life again. It will happen.
Bluebell
Thank you Mama for all the blessings you gave me to make my life easier. I would of course rather have you here with us. Your grandchildren miss and love you. I hope that my daughter has as much love for me as I did for you!! Sunday will already be two months since you passed. I hope everyone is having a peaceful evening ! All our Mom's love us and God bless you all in my prayers ! Janie
Brett its not too late, after my mom passed I went to confession and the look on my face must have showed my anguish, the priest said to me God is right beside you...... :) !
Bluebell, a men to all of the things that you wrote. I miss taking care of my mom so much. Every act of caretaking was just another way of saying, "I love you mom. Thank you for everything."
Theresa, as much as I loved my mom, we had some differences. I was a part of her and I loved her with all of my heart but she had her way of handling things and I had mine. When I told my mom how much I would miss her she would just say, "Brett, you have to live your life." She knew there was nothing that she could do for me after she was gone, but more than that, she didn't totally understand why it would all be such a problem for me.
My mom handled the loss of her mother very well. She knew that grandma had lived a wonderful and loving life. She knew that grandma was in heaven. That was enough for her.
That is probably the way it should be. That's just not who I am. What is happening to me was inevitable. Even before mom died I could see it coming. It was like standing in front of an approaching train.
Life circumstances have a lot to do with this. My mother was a single mom who had to learn how to stand on her own two feet. She had built a wonderful career that gave her so much pleasure and pride. She didn't retire until she was 78, and she didn't want to retire then. She was just too sick to keep working.
Mom did soften on Hospice care. She was a very independent woman. Suddenly she needed me by her side all of the time. I was more than happy to be there for her. She let her guard down and let me care for her completely. For once, my mom had to let someone else take the reins. That changed our relationship. It's almost like mom couldn't believe that I would be so devoted to her. I believe that it touched her greatly. She should have known all along.
I am not in anyway implying that my mom had been a cold woman. She had great empathy for others. It's just that life had made her very strong and self reliant. She had to be to raise four children on her own.
This is how circumstances can change the dynamic of grieving. I do not have four children to take care of. I don't have any. I never had to be self reliant because mom had always been there for me to make sure that I would be okay. I did have a great career but I gave that up to become mom's caretaker. I'm not married. There are some who would say that did I this to myself. I put myself in a position to fail after mom's death. Well, I tell you what, I would do it all over again. I just wanted to be by my mom's side.
That is the direction that life took me. I also know that God lets us make our own choices. I made mine.
That worked very well for a long, long time. Now I am a ship without a rudder. Sometimes when I pray I apologize to God for putting my mom first in life. Mom was my rock. Now I feel guilty because, when I think about death, I think about being with mom. That's not the way it is supposed to be. Heaven isn't about my mom.
I do think that God understands though. Mom was all that I had. I didn't just lose my best friend, mom, constant companion, greatest advocate, etc. I lost the person who held it all together. That is why it is so hard for me to put one foot in front of the other. I am just now learning to walk on my own, and I do not like the view from here. I'm not even sure that I want to be a part of what's going on in the world. It seems like a pretty cold place.
And beyond all of that... I just plain miss my mom. I miss her period. The prospect of going through life without her just pretty much sucks.
I have no choice though. I have to keep putting one foot in front of the other. I can only pray that God is with me and that he will help me right the ship. I keep thinking of the line in the bible where Jesus asks Peter if he wants to leave him. Peter said, "Lord, where else would we go?"
For so many years of my life it was all about mom. Now it is all about God. I have always been a Christian but mom was my rock. This has been my wake-up call. I hope I'm not too late.
I miss helping my Mom get out of bed in the morning and ready for her day. I miss seeing her at the dining room table eating her breakfast and reading the newspaper. I miss wrapping her neck in a warm towel to ease her neck stiffness and pain. I bet she does not miss her time on this earth, but I sure miss her.
Bluebell
Brett, yes she knew I loved her, thank you
You were so fortunate to be able to be right there with your mom and tell her how much you loved her, Im' sure it made her journey much more peaceful.
But you are right death is final, that's the hard part.
My mom used to tell me she would say honey I lived my life you have to live yours, but she didn't tell me it would be so hard. She did tell me that after her mom died, she had a very difficult time. She said I don't know if you will or not, and I was thinking how could she even think that, I got sick, I had to see my dr for medication for my severe anxiety, that was crippling.
And you are right nothing can prepare you for the death of your mom.
Maybe we will never have closure, we will just live our lives because we have to and maybe one day the grief will be lifted.
Theresa, I have no idea. It is so hard either way. I remembered something today. It may help you (I hope). In my mom's last days, her sisters would call and tell her that they loved her over and over again. They never knew if that time would be the last time that they would have the chance to talk to her. My mom, believe it or not, would roll her eyes as they talked. She knew that they loved her. She had no doubt that they loved her. She had spent a lifetime with them. That they loved her was never even in question.
Saying the words made me feel better. Saying thank you made me feel better, but my mom knew. She always knew. How could she not have known how much I loved her?
Your mom knew. I guess the books would say that I got some closure by saying goodbye. Well, let me tell you something. There is no closure on my part. That door is wide open.
Joy said it best. It's who our moms were to us that will dictate the amount of pain that we feel. The how mom died is over. It's that she is dead that stays with me.
You can't prepare for the death of your mom. At least I couldn't. I tried. I lived in so much fear of my moms death. I couldn't even so much as watch television with her without knowing that she would die soon. Every night I would kiss her and tell her that I loved her. I could not know for sure if she would be alive in the morning. Sometimes when she was asleep I would just sit at the side of her bed and cry. I knew that I would have to say goodbye to her and it was more than I could bear.
Still, that last moment. As soon as I knew that she was gone, there was no preparing for that. I told her that I loved her a million times. it wasn't enough. I had hugged her a million times. It wasn't enough. This time when I squeezed her hand she did not squeeze back. There is no preparing for that. There was no more eye contact. In a split second she was a million miles away.
There is no way around that kind of pain.
The biggest misconception I had before my mom's death was that I would only have to experience the death of my mother once. I was so wrong. I relive it and feel it every day.
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