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Comment by Sharon on August 7, 2015 at 11:31am

Teresa, we will never stop missing them. Thank you for your words of experience. Today marks my 6 month mark. We can't stand to stay home, so on the weekends we try and stay busy.
Sandy, the pain is so severe. Your heart is aching. And yes, people make stupid remarks that make us want to scream! They don't understand. We will be sad forever! We will never get over this!
Sharon
Troy's mom

Comment by Sandy Hendrix on August 7, 2015 at 11:01am

Jill, I'm at 9 months and I agree it is getting harder, I am so down and so sad.  I feel myself withdrawing from everybody and everything. I just want Randy, I can't believe this is happening and it hurts so damn much.  I feel so alone.  I am so sorry you moved to be near your other son and now he's moving!! Damn! WE are moving to AZ next year and I can't wait, it's way way too hard to be here where Randy grew up and see everything everywhere that reminds me of him. When I leave work every day, I pass by his preschool on one corner and the place he went to rehab on the other corner.  It's completely unbearable. How are we suppose to live like this? I've told 2 people at work that I am sad this week and they have said - WHY? REALLY? I want to scream them at them, I want to scream at somebody!! Uggg I have been crying more and more.  Hugs to all of us x0

Comment by Teresa D. on August 7, 2015 at 5:52am

Sharon I admit it, I look for Michael.

Next month it will be 3 years since Michael left. To me it feels like no time has passed, yet I see everyone else moving forward.

The first year I swore I would just die.

The second year felt even harder because reality started to set in.

This year I am now accepting my reality.

I still cry everyday, but now it feels normal to cry.

Fighting every day to live for those who love me.

I learned to wear the fake face but sometimes it feels too tight and cracks.

I'm still learning how to answer some questions: Where is Michael? How many kids do you have? What happened? etc...

I'm learning to "manage it" but my heart still cries for my son.

Comment by Jill E on August 7, 2015 at 5:26am

One other ting my youngest and I talked about and felt bad about is that the few months before we lost Josh we had some of the worst ever arguments with him.we never fought so this was horrible
Le looking back. We had made up but the anger was kind of lingering. I assured Derek that Josh behaved the way he did because of his illness. We love him and he loves us. He forgives us and we forgive him. That is the truth. His behavior was so uncharacteristic of him, if I had only known. WYWH I still feel so guilty for not seeing his illness, I should have seen it. WYWH

Comment by Jill E on August 7, 2015 at 5:18am

Another stupid thing I do, I forgot so I feel like I have to fix it now. I always sign off with WYWH (Wish You Were Here-the Pink Floyd song) one of Josh's dear friends posted that on Facebook and it just felt right.
So Joshie I am sorry I have forgotten to tell you, WYWH every minute, every second.i love you.

Comment by Jill E on August 7, 2015 at 5:02am

Nothing or no one can help. Some days I wish I could die so I could be with him, but I am so afraid to die. I am afraid that if I did die I wouldn't be with him. I am terrified to die. And then my very biggest reason I don't want to die is my other son, he could not take another loss. I couldn't leave him. I am so very, very lucky to have him. I hurt for those of you that lost your only child.

Comment by Sharon on August 7, 2015 at 1:05am

Missing gets stronger. We feel restless and keep searching for them...

Comment by Rj on August 6, 2015 at 8:59pm

I agree jill...it does get worse

Comment by Jill E on August 6, 2015 at 7:31pm

I am from Sacramento, born and raised. Never, ever thought I would leave then I lost my Josh. We moved to Arizona to be close to my other son Derek. Not to go into too much detail but my son Derek had to change jobs so here we are moving him to San Antonio. When we go back to Arizona I will be alone again. Not looking forward to it. Derek and I talked about Josh on the way here, Josh's wife and things she has done. We talked about good memories and sad things. How will I get by without him around? I could never go back to Sacramento just too many remembrances.
This is not the lives we were suppose to have. This is so cruel. Tomorrow will be 8 months. It is getting worse. The pain the feeling of dread. How could this have happened to me? Josh admitted to hospital on a Monday and he was gone on Sunday. It hurts.

Comment by Sharon on August 6, 2015 at 10:59am

Jill,
That cake is fabulous! I just got back from Sacramento. My son in law is from there, so we went to the state fair. And yes, he is a 49ers fan.
So sad that we cannot be with our boys. Gentle thoughts to you...
Sharon
Troy's mom

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