Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Sandra LaBonte on August 26, 2011 at 4:39pm

Cindy, I would say I have lost the little faith that I had. My dad is a devout Roman Catholic and my mom  always told me God was just someone people made up so they felt better when people die. So I have always been conflicted. I hate being told she is in a better place or God had a plan. The worst is when I hear people tell her friend Randi (she was in the car with Kasey) that God or an angel was looking out for her. It makes me think where was Kasey's angel or was God too busy to look out for her also. My Aunt sent me an e-mail wishing me love and prayers. I told her I would take the love but that she could keep the prayers. I said your prayers will do me about as much good as they did Kasey. Not very nice I know but it's how I feel. I think now I am leaning to gone is just gone and there is nothing else. I don't know how to believe that if there is a loving God that he would take my baby. I tried church also but they kept telling me if I wasn't right with God then I had bigger problems then the death of my daughter.  Sorry for rambling, but those are some of my feelings.

Sandy

Permalink Reply by Ammy on August 30, 2011 at 5:38pm

Hi Cindy, I can understand your feelings to a point.  My son had some mental health problems and I have prayed for him for years and he (my son) always managed to pull himself back to reality so I felt my prayers were being answered until that morning I was told he was gone.  I was angry with God.  Actually, I think I was angry with every one.  I just couldn't understand it.  I had a hard time praying and reading the bible after that, but I forced myself to keep on and gradually I started to find some peace again.  Faith is just that...faith.  You either have it or you don't.  It's your choice and no one, not even God, can force you to have it.  I don't really believe our prayers can change what is meant to be, but we pray anyway.  I still cry out to God to take away this pain.  Why?  I guess I still have faith that He is there and He is in control.  Just my opinion on my own experience.  I hope you find some way to find some relief.  This is a hard road to travel.  Our children will always be in our hearts, our lives.  We just need to learn how to live without them and that is something I have not figured out how to do yet.  Many a day I wish/want to leave this world myself.  Sending hugs.

Permalink Reply by Connie on September 25, 2011 at 9:17am

Cindy,

I feel the same way.  Praying is empty and hollow and I don't feel listened to anyway.  I don't get any sense of comfort.  My pastor told me it is ok to feel this way. God is bigger, when then why did he not guide and look out for my son.  Then the comparisons start,  while let a child molester or murderer live and not my son who had a mental illness, from harming himself.  I keep trying to make logical sense out of an illogical situation.  Human nature I guess to try and understand life events.  I still can't wrap my arms around this living nightmare that I am in and he is gone.  It seems to be getting harder as time passes not easier.  I have learned to just breathe some days in order to cope. But praying is not on my list as a coping resource at this time. Like you I have quit believing in a lot of things the only thing I do think about is my son is NOT here and I want him with me.

Permalink Reply by cindy parrott on September 25, 2011 at 1:19pm

Almost a year has gone by since I lost my son, I still feel empty inside. I still have no faith, I'm angry and sad. I do have a new obsession. I listen to the same song over and over again. To where you are... Josh Groben sings it. I guess i want to believe my son is out there somewhere. I wish that I could just have some sort of a sign. I've even thought about trying to speak to a physic even though I really don't believe in either. i'm just lost. I don't think anyone has any clue what i feel inside because i'm so good at hiding my pain.

i guess i'm just rambling on here but sometimes it is the only place i feel safe about saying how i feel. I know my husband loves me but i think he thinks i should just get back "normal" i don't think this is ever going to happen.

 

Permalink Reply by Karen on September 26, 2011 at 10:44am

Yes, I have as well.    Time has only made it worse-   

I wish I still had the comfort in believing -  but I feel very deceived by it all.   I was very spiritual -   we raised our children in the church.    I took comfort in the teaching that God will be there when you need him most.   I took comfort in feeling that I would get a message from my son & that he is happy in this heaven with his 2 paps, cousin, and friends.    

 

But- Nothing--------      I literally would go in the church sit on the alter at night (with only a few candles for light)  for hours and beg, plead, & sob until I truly thought my heart would stop.   I even began begging that if GOD was real to let that happen.      I talked with priests and pastors --- as I shared my reasons they cried with me & stated that they understood my feelings and wished they could help me find my way back.   But they could not explain why-- etc..

       -----actually a pastor (from a family of pasters)  I met through this... lost his sons & He of course turned to faith &  the Bible-  (I never met such a well studied - scholar /philosopher)   The words in the bible that he taught only made him angry on many many levels-----   He is now an atheist.   

 

When I walk into a church now-  the tears start to flow down my cheeks like a leak -  I cant seem to stop them--- I feel deceived by god or the teaching of god.  I no longer attend church - other than the anniversary of my sons death &  when I feel I have to family wedding etc.

For me I do not think it is anger-    but -  I truly question if there is a God..???

And if there is----  Then I must believe that God is good & that he did not do this-  that the devil had a hand in it-   for if there is a god- there is most certainly a devil.    So that said then I am afraid to pray to God because apparently the Devil hears as well - &  when I only ever prayed for only one thing --"to keep my family healthy n safe"-  then the devil acted on that & took my son.    

 

Anyway---  ????     I am lost--   & I wish I still had my faith - it would be such a comfort.

Permalink Reply by Ammy on September 26, 2011 at 1:02pm

Karen, you are so right that the devil can hear us, but he can't read our minds.  Only God has access to our quiet thoughts.  I can't remember where I got that from, but I have believed it to be true.

Okay, I feel like I'm going out on a limb here.  First, I'd like to say that in the beginning I felt betrayed by God.  As some of you have done I have always prayed for God's protection over my family and especially for Charles as he had his mental health problems.  I tried praying and felt empty after he died.  I read the bible and felt nothing.  I don't know why I kept on, but I did, and eventually I feel like I found something.  Answers I could live with.

I wanted to say a little bit about Psalm 139.  I have a picture with verses 13 to 16 on my refrigerator.  Probably have had it there for a couple of years.  When I first read it something just grabbed me.   

13 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. 

14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;  your works are wonderful,  I know that full well. 

15 My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. 

16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;  all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

One day not too long before my son died he was looking at it and he said, "You like this don't you?".  I told him I did because it made me realize that God knows everything.  He just smiled at me.  

I think it's a wonderful Psalm to read.  Let me know if you read it, and what you think.

After my son's death I found other verses as I read the bible, and I believe God gave them to me.  I pray that they might help others as I share them.

This first one I claimed for my son because of his problems.
Isaiah 57:1  The righteous perish, and no one ponders it in his heart; merciful men are taken away, and no one understands that the righteous are taken away to be spared from evil to come.       

Job 7:1  Is there not an appointed time to man upon earth? Are not his days also like the days of an hireling?

Job 14:5  Man's days are determined; you have decreed the number of his months and have set limits he cannot exceed.
Psalm 139:16  Your eyes saw my unformed body.  All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. 
Ecclesiastes 3:2  A time to be born, And a time to die;

Psalm 39:4,5  Lord, give me knowledge of my end, and of the measure of my days, so that I may see how feeble I am.  You have made my days no longer than a hand's measure; and my years are nothing in your eyes; truly, every man is but a breath.

God knows exactly when, where, and how we will die. God knows absolutely everything about us

(Psalm 139:1-6).1 O Lord, You have searched me and known me.

2 You know my sitting down and my rising up; You understand my thought afar off.

3 You comprehend my path and my lying down, And are acquainted with all my ways.

4 For there is not a word on my tongue, But behold, O Lord, You know it altogether.

5 You have hedged me behind and before, And laid Your hand upon me.

6  Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; It is high, I cannot attain it.

I hope these help you in some way as they have helped me to know that I nor anyone else could have prevented my son's death.  It doesn't make me less sad or miss him less, but I don't have to go through the "what ifs" or wondering why all the time.  If I start to do that I just remember these verses.

The book of Job is a very good example that God does not do these things to us.  It is Satan, but for some reason God allows it to happen.

I hope I have not offended anyone with this.  I am only putting myself out here openly with the hopes that it may comfort you.

I pray we all can find some comfort in the future.  I know my son would be unhappy if he knew how we all are suffering and crying for him.  Especially his daughter that will be 3 on October 9th.  I'm just trying to make it through each day as each of you are doing, and whatever you can fine that helps you, then that is what you need to focus on.  Try to be gentle with yourselves.  <3

Permalink Reply by Lisa Adams on September 26, 2011 at 3:26pm

Ammy,  thanks for posting this.  I too have struggled with my faith and have been angry at God, questioning why He would take Roxanne when she had so much good to offer this world.  But then a friend of mine told me to read Isaiah 57:1 and when I did, I realized that God wasn't punishing Roxanne, He was showing mercy.  While her death has been the hardest, most awful thing I have ever endured, I am strangely comforted by the fact that she is no longer in pain, she is not suffering.  She was spared a lifetime of doctors and hospitals and medicine. She will always be beautiful. She will never know the pain of a broken heart. She will never have to struggle with the worries of life; paying bills and making ends meet. 

As Christians, our ultimate goal is to one day pass from this life and live forever with The Lord in Heaven.  Roxanne's faith was strong, she lived her life for God, she was a righteous young woman and has achieved her goal of living forever in glory! And I believe with all my heart that I will see her again there one day!

I am still struggling with my faith and my anger. I also find it very difficult to pray. I too get angry when I hear others remark about how God has protected them, or healed them. But God loves me and He understands. He knows that my small, human brain cannot fathom His ways or His thoughts.

I too hope that I've not offended any of you. Maybe you think me odd or naive to believe what I believe but, like all of you, I'm trying the best I know how to cope with this terrible, crushing loss and still keep my sanity intact. For me, this small failth is what holds me together most days.

I pray that we all will find our way to some measure of peace of comfort.  Love to you all

Permalink Reply by Patti Meadows on September 26, 2011 at 3:31pm

Oh Cindy, I so relate to the way you feel...My son matt left this world June 28, 2006 due to a car crash..He was 26. I totally shut down.I have been a Christian since I was 6, and I felt that God had let me down. I prayed for my children's protection all of the time.  After the car crash, I tried to pray, but felt lie God was not listening.Now I know that HE was there all the time, I just was not ready.  Please don't wait as long as I did to reach out to him.It is ok to tell God how you feel, HE can take it.  I know you cannot see it now, but HE loves you. HE hurts and grieves with You. HE is not the author of death, he sent Jesus to quinch death so that we can all be together one day.  As far as wondering about your son doubting God.  We all do that.I know a guy who died in a car wreck and came back, He was not a Christian at the time of the wreck, but He said Jesus came to him and asked him:  Will it be today?  Will You accept me?  He did and now has a beautiful testimony.  God is no respector of persons,if HE did it for one, HE will do it for all, and I am sure Your son is safe in the arms of Jesus.  Once we get it through our heads that They

are fine in heaven, we just have to deal with our loss here on earth. You will see him again.  I would love to tell You about how I returned to the Lord, if it would not offend You.  Just answer me and let me know.  Prayers and Blessings to You/Patti (Matt's Mom)

Permalink Reply by Grace on September 26, 2011 at 6:55pm

I have read all of these posts... and I must say that my faith has been in a holding pattern... angry and agnostic... my surviving son says he is does not believe anymore.... when I asked if he prayed for his brother he said yes... but no body hear his prayers.   It is hard for me to challenge this when I have been having those same feelings....  I look at the box of ashes and think... how could I ever see my son again.... he is a box of ashes... so painful to wrap my brain around that....

I wonder if GOD is the Adult version of Santa.   I read so many writing that they have a hole in their heart.... I do too.. but as a mother I have told people it is like a big fat Thanksgiving Turkey.... I look Whole on the outside but it is like my Body cavity has been gutted from my heart all the way out of my Butt and Cavity like that turkey.... Our Child came out of our bodies and have ripped our heart out too..... an Empty cavity... that to everyone else looks Whole on the outside but so Empty on the inside.

Why does God make me dream i am searching for what is missing only to have me wake up to the reality that my son is never going to be found?

I don't want to "Wait" until we meet again... He IS NOT in a better Place.... I was his best place.  His Death was not a Blessing.... I want him back! 

Permalink Reply by Patti Meadows on September 26, 2011 at 7:02pm

Grace , just continue to talk to God about it...as I said, I am speaking from experience...HE is a BIG God, He can take your questions....as I said before, I would be glad to share with you how I made a breakthrough, if You would like...I am sorry to say, I did not have anyone to reach out to me at that time, and I promised the Lord I would at least reach out to anyone that is going through what I did....Praying for You...Patti (Matt's Mom)

Permalink Reply by Ammy on September 26, 2011 at 7:20pm

Grace, I would never say any of our children are in a better place, and their deaths were not a blessing to us.  We all have the same horrible loss to bear.  We all feel the emptiness and pain, and cry the never ending tears.  It will be with us for the rest of our lives, but I have to hang on to the belief that time will become kinder to me (to us). You asked why God gives you dreams that are hard on you. I don't believe that whatever happens in life is always God's doing.  There is just as much, if not more, evil in our world than good, but I didn't come on here tonight to write about God.  I came because I read your message and my heart went out to you.  I just wanted you to know that someone was here and understands your pain.  I wish there was more I could give you, to comfort you, but I can't.  I can only hope you will have better moments.

Permalink Reply by cindy parrott on September 27, 2011 at 9:30am

Grace I don't think I've ever had a better discription as to how I feel then the TG turkey. I guess I do look ok to people on the outside, I go to work everyday, I'm a cashier and smile and make small talk. Inside there is just a emptiness. My son died while surfing. His body was never recovered. I have nothing of him except a mu memories. The afternoon he died I almost called him and decided not to. I'm not sure I would have even gotten a hold of him.He lived in Hawaii and his phone coverage wasn't very good. I only talked to him once or twice a month. A few days before I lost him I had quite few messages that he had left that I had saved. I always returned his call, anyway i erased them. Don't know why. It is one of the things I'm angry at myself about. I don't even have any his messages most of them ended with love you. 

I know he questioned the exsitance of God. I think he believed in some kind of a supreme being of some time. He read a lot of books about different religions, Hindu, Buddisium.  I think he believed in re incarnation. He also believed a spirit world and spirits being able to communicate with the living.

I don't know what I believe anymore. I've read the Bible passages listed above and they gave me little comfort. I just really don't care anymore. There is a county song that says "My give a damns busted" and that about sums up my life. 

 

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