Please share your Story = the Loss of your Son or Daughter

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Permalink Reply by Karen on September 13, 2009 at 7:33pm

We lost our 16 yr old son Brad - 0ct. 19th 2007- In a auto accident. Due to a foreign substance on the roadway, the 3rd accident that day in the same spot, yet no warning. Brad was a passenger with my husband & older son. Actually I came very close to loosing all 3.
After 10 days - My 14 yr old daughter and I couldnt wait for my husband, and 18yr old son- And we had to have our dear Brads funeral on our own. My husband still wasnt breathing on his own & not aware we lost Brad at that point. And our older son with a head injury calling me a chair & other odd names.
In the months that followed My husband and other son have healed physically.

Personally - I feel destroyed - & I really struggle with life ... I sort feel like I used all of myself in those first several weeks to be strong & do what I needed to do & now ---
Hummm- trying to find a way to discribe it- almost like my bones are gone & I am a lump of useless flesh laying in a pile. With a bleeding heart- well what is left of it. I still can't except He's gone.

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Permalink Reply by Dee Dee on September 23, 2009 at 12:37am

I lost my 27 year old son on 1/16/09 I also don't believe it is true. I don't want to believe it. I felt like I couldn't go on for three months after he passed. I slept all the time and did nothing else. I have another son who is 33 he told me he needed me. Those were the words I needed to go on.
I still feel like I failed my son I feel like every other mother in the world is better than me. I am just a loser and stupid ugly person who failed to save my son. I loved him so much but failed him. I wish so much that I had another chance with him. No one should loose their child. It is just unbearable the worse thing that can happen.

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Permalink Reply by Charlotte on January 1, 2010 at 6:17pm

I lost my son to drugs on Thanksgiving Day and I tried everything to save him from this terrible lifestyle which took his life at 35. Please take care of yourself and stay busy and look for enjoyable things to do. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Charlotte

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Permalink Reply by Laura Villarreal on September 13, 2009 at 9:32pm

My heart goes out to you, Karen.
My 33 year old daughter, and only child, was killed while operating a 4 wheeler. The accident happened in North Pole, AK where she live with her husband. I reside in San Antonio, TX. It happened on Memorial Day of this year, 5/25/09. It is just so hard to understand what happened, why she was not wearing a helmet. She was not a thrill seeker...the accident happend at 12:15pm (AK time) and she was pronounced dead at 12:49pm (AK time). When I saw my son-in-laws phone # and name on my phone I knew my worst fear had been realized because he NEVER called me. Life as I knew it just ended and I have been lost ever since.
So many raw feeling and emotions ranging from numbness to raging anger at nothing and everything! The logical part of my brain makes me go through the motions of daily living while the other part of my brain does nothing. I just don't know what to do with myself. My husband (my daughter's stepfather) has been my rock yet he had been a part of her life for 25 years and he too misses her tremendously.
And you are right as I too have not been able to accept that she is gone...

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Permalink Reply by davina adlem on September 14, 2009 at 10:44am

we lost our daughter gemma to a auto accident, her boyfriend was driving too fast swerved and hit a tree gem took full impact and died instantly. the boyfriend is free to drive and get on with his life, we will never forgive him. it will be 6 years in december and i cannot believe i am still here, my heart is broken ans shattered and i miss gem and love her more and more every day. loosing a child is the worse thing possible and not the right order, you expect to loose parents andthat hurts but unless you have lost a child there reallyis no comparasing, we love our children so much they are our lives. the pain never leaves me nor ever will, the longing to hold and touch gem and tell her i love her is so painful. I am alive but not living, and all the time in your head are the if onlys, and whys. o god how i love you gem, love to all xx

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Permalink Reply by Janice Shapiro on September 15, 2009 at 2:42pm

hi all, i had my first baby on 25 November 1995, there were complications at birth and she had Cerebral Palsy, seizures, lung problems, visual problems all her life. our lives were in and out of hospitals. in so, i grew so close to her, and she to me. i was her everything, her spokesperson, her protector. only i could understand her. my primary mission was to love love love her. and we became indescribably close. the laughter we shared, the singing, the loving and affection, the funny things, barney, the teletubbies, funny ways of singing their songs, just so so much.
in january last year, she started deterioriating. i thought it was like all the other times she took ill, and eventually pulled through again. but she didnt. she couldnt go on anymore. she passed away on 24 April last year. i lost a huge part of myself. i am broken. i love my jessy

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Permalink Reply by Katherine Ellis on September 29, 2009 at 2:17am

On June 26th, 2001 we lost our daughter, Irene. We were all white water rafting. Irene fell out of her raft doing down the last fall. When she went under she pushed herself off the botton getting her foot caught. We couldn't save her. When I close me eyes I still her laying on the ground. That day the clock stopped ticking, the world stopped spinning. I miss her each and everyday. I not only lost my daugther but I lost my best friend. I don't think any of us will ever be the person we were. Laughter comes hard if at all. I feel like a shell. Just walking, talking, eating on automatic. Some days I just don't want to be here anymore. But I go on because others need me. How can the world be so cruel as to let us lose a child. Until we meet again Irene, will I be whole.

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Permalink Reply by Latisha on October 29, 2009 at 2:54am

I lost my daughter on July 4, 2009. In an atuo accident and I was at fault because i was tired. The night before I had worked a 12hr shift (corrections officer) and that morning I came in from work and got the kids off to daycare and basicly took a 4hr nap. I took my mother shopping, picked the kids up from daycare and headed to a friendgirl's home to help her setup for another friend's party for later on that night. My friend's son volenteered to keep my kids that night so we could have a girls night out. I don't even know what time I left the party because I was also networking with the owner of the club to work there part-time. Since I was trying to get a job, I was trying to remain professional, so I wasn't drinking. The owner noticed this and said "Hey let me make you one of my Long Islands". After he agreed to let me work part-time I told the girls that I was going to head out because I was going to help my mom cook for the 4th. I remember when I picked up the kids, I buckled my son in and my daughter went to the back row because she wanted to lay down. I said ok buckle up. At the time I didn't realize how tired I was, but my destination was only approx. 25 minutes away (in the country). Next thing i know my truck was in a spin. we finally came to a stop when we hit a ditch, the truck rolled on it side but rolled back on the tires. I woke up hearing my kids crying. My daughter had been thrown from truck. She was hurt very badly, I was afraid to touch her. My son was calling my name and crying because mosqutios were bitting him. I check him over and made sure he was fine and covered him with a blanket. My daughter began to call my name, this is when i truely saw her injuries. I couldn't find my phone so I started to pray "Please God don't let her suffer like this." She stopped crying and that is when I became so afraid, I found my phone and called for help. The medics called for and air ambulance for my daughter, by this time my mom and husband(separated at the time) arrived on the scene just after the police. I know the medics, my mom, my husband, and the police all thought that I was drunk or high. They wouldn't allow me to leave with either of my kids. My kids were taken to separate hospitals and I was left in the backseat of a police car. The trooper didn't even attempt to give me a breathalizer until after the ambulances left the scene. He took his time and took pics of everything! This angered me so so much. He gave me the test and was VISIBLY shocked at the results. That wasn't good enough, he had to take me to the hospital to have blood drawn. Luckly this was were my son (and husband) was. After my son was given a clean bill of health we were about to leave to go be with my daughter that was an hour away when the nurse came in and left the room with my son. The officer came back in the room and said there's no easy way to say this but your daughter didn't survive her injuries. My daughter's life had ended at 5yrs old because I was tired and fell asleep driving.

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Permalink Reply by Allan on November 12, 2009 at 12:31am

I guess I am now a member of a fraternity-sorority that I wish to God I could unjoin.
Thank you all for being here. It is going to take me awhile to work through my feelings so I hope you will bear with me. Laura welcomed me the other day and she asked me to post a picture of my daughter. Unfortunately the last picture I have is of her gravesite at Ft. Sam Houston in San Antonio. I couldn't get any further than that - I shut my computer down for the night. Sorry. I'll work on finding something.

It has been 9 months since Callie died on Feb. 2, 2009. My wife (her step-mom) and I last saw her alive in January when we went to visit her at Ft. Carson, Colorado Springs. It was a great visit but she was complaining of being anemic and w/stomach virus. Her husband was in Iraq and she was there alone with her 13month old. Her older boys, 13 and 7 had just returned a over xmas holidays to live w/their dad in Texas. Callie was an Iraq army vet, now in national guard. She was a specialist in chemical corps - trained in nuclear, biological, chemical hazmat. A stupid profession but it paid the highest enlistment bonus and Callie wanted to get her finances straight after her divorce. I can't help but think that somehow there might be a connection with her tour in Iraq and her illness, but we will never know that.

At the end of January 2009 Callie called complaining of being sick. She went to the clinic on post. They said she had pneumonia. They sent her to the hospital in Colo. Springs. Callie called the next day and asked if my wife & I could come help take care of her baby. She called the morning of Feb 2 and said "Dad, I need you to come soon." I told her I would be there on the next flight out. That was our last conversation. The hospital called at noon and said her blood pressure dropped and she was being moved to ICU. The chaplain called at 5 and said she had coded and they were doing CPR. Sometime later they called to say she had died. It took 3 days to get her husband back from Iraq. He was devestated of course, but has taken up the job of being a single dad. He just got out of the service a week or so ago.

Reading your stories I know that we all have our own unique crosses to bear, and my story is far from the worst. My other children and grandchildren are a blessing. I have many caring and supportive friends. And I want to be healthy. But there is a huge hole in my heart. Inside I am broken. I am empty. I do ok most days. Antidepressants and Ambien help at night. But it is pretty crummy and shows no signs of getting better. I am hurting.

That's enough for now. Thanks for listening and letting me join you on this journey.

Allan

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Permalink Reply by Gail Richardson on November 12, 2009 at 5:22pm

Hi Allan and 'welcome' to this group that no-one ever wanted to be a member of. I am so, so sorry for the loss of your lovely daughter Callie. I can only imagine the shock of hearing that an seemingly healthy girl had passed away so suddenly and unexpectedly. Thank you for sharing her story, it takes great strength to put into words.
Of course you have a huge hole in heart - we all do I'm afraid and even though our stories are all different we all share that pain and emptiness that losing a child brings.
You are still in the first stages of grief - please know that there is no time-line for this kind of journey, no eta and no etd - just an existence without end. You will have to learn to be patient with yourself and allow time to gently ease the pain by taking one day at a time.
I've been on this journey for eight and half years now - my daughter Meshael died from a rare genetic disorder called Fanconi Anaemia. My journey started, I suppose, before she died and I lived for many years in the knowledge that she wouldn't always be here. This enabled me to 'get used to the idea' I suppose but didn't go anyway to stopping the pain which seemed relentless at times.
As bereaved parents we have to learn to re-invent ourselves - no easy task. The good news is that time will slowly allow you to heal, never completely of course, and life will become easier.
I'm sure you have many questions about her illness which may never be answered - that will be hard for you and I wonder if there is anyway you could find out more information? Maybe not now but in time?
Allan - life will become bearable with time. The bad days will lessen - then come back and hit you like a sack of red hot bricks. The first year is the most difficult, there are so many anniversaries and holidays to get through and its tough. Just know that we are here for one another because no-one knows the pain like we do. And no-one can understand the desperate loneliness of losing a child unless they've walked this walk. This is a place to rant and rave, cry and scream and in time, laugh and remember the good times with a smile. So please feel comfortable to say what you feel and if we can, we'll help you to make sense of this senseless place we are in.
Take care
Gail

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Permalink Reply by Allan on November 14, 2009 at 11:43pm

Dear Gail,
Thank you so much for writing. Just having a place where I can go has been a big help already. I have felt that I should get into a grief support group but there just arent many options in my town. It is good to have others, even on line that I can share with. Right now my middle daughter Jessica (23) and her 2 year old have moved home with us. Jessica is pregnant (due in April) and her husband (another soldier in the family!) is in Iraq. The house is full of life again, and it has been good for us all to be able to talk and reminisce about good times and not just think about death & loss.

This week we are going to be getting a box of pictures back from Callie's husband Shawn. He is moving and wants for us to store and keep them until his little boy gets older. These were ones of her childhood, with school pics, old report cards, kindergarten drawings and the like. I think I am ready to see them again.

You are more than 8 years into your loss. I can't imagine what that is like. Early on I dreaded the start of each new month and I remember saying I don't think I can do this month after month. I guess you just get busy and at some point you look up and it has been a year - and then two and then 3. I like your observation that we must re-invent ourselves. So much of my life has been tied up in my role as a dad. That is going to take some reconsideration on my part...what do I do now? Oh sure I have my other kids and they need me, but one of them is missing. I dont think I could have ever guessed that the pain would be that great.

Thanks for listening.

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Permalink Reply by melissa whaley on December 17, 2009 at 9:09pm

allan you may want to look up the compassionate friends they have local chapter meetings probobly one close to you. They also have an online chat room if you need it.

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