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Comment by Jane P on December 5, 2013 at 10:26am

What a crappy deal we've all been handed.

I am usually annoyed when someone tells me how strong I am.

How strong all of us are.

But I am starting to think it's true.

How else could we survive?

I also have asked the "hope" question.

What is there to hope for?

You have to have feelings to have hope.

And my feelings have yet to return.

Comment by Jane P on December 5, 2013 at 10:21am

I should clarify.

I will honour Christmas Day.

But I will do it quietly by myself.

I'm ok with this.

I just don't have the emotional strength that will be required.

December 2 was the first "anniversary" of Danielle leaving for heaven.

It took everything out of me. I need time to recover.

Comment by Jane P on December 5, 2013 at 7:55am

Please know I'm thinking of all of you today and every day. I'm not celebrating Christmas this year. I know I am not strong enough and I don't want to spoil anyone's joy. Sometimes we have to look after ourselves. It's ok if you are not able to do Christmas. We are broken people.

Comment by anne on December 4, 2013 at 1:40pm

I can assure you that these things don't happen because your not grateful enough, or anything like it. I used to think that way. I lived with that same fear of it happening again for 9 years. Well it did happen again, but this time I didn't carry that fear. I still don't feel that Bens dying was because I didn't appreciate life or maybe I wasn't thankful enough. These things happen because it's just life here on earth, not because of less gratitude or whatever I must've done to make it happen. Death happens to everyone. The God I believe in does not go around picking, and choosing who lives, and who dies, and especially not for being ungrateful or anything else. I wasted a lot of time being afraid. I'm not afraid anymore. It's ok to be thankful, and it's also ok to have time's when I'm not thankful or appreciate a darn thing. I have learned things from both the good, and the bad parts of life. I have also learned things from the depths of grief, and when the time was right the light of day. I have seen the very worst in myself, but I have also realized the good that could've only come from me. There are things in life that I can't change. I have learned to accept that. The things I can change or do something about I do my best to try to make it happen. The deaths of my son's I couldn't change, but how I handle all of it is up to me. I'm always going to make mistakes, but I know in my heart that the death's of my boy's or anyone else is not my punishment for anything I do or don't do, feel or don't feel. It's life.  Peace, and understanding to all!

Comment by Lynn Williams on December 4, 2013 at 1:17pm

Debi, I am so sorry for your loss.  Do you get to see your son's babies often.  It must offer some comfort to be able to hug and kiss them.  I will be happy for the holiday season to pass.  I am not ready to put up a tree this year, which will be a first in about 30 years.  It will be too hard to pull out the ornaments that say babies first Christmas. I wanted her here with me for more than 25 Christmas's.  The vision your husband had sounds so joyful and hopeful Dolly.  I am so glad you are here to talk to.  It brings comfort knowing we will get through this together.  Today is a hard one for me, but I went outside and pruned my mulberry tree and wisterias.  It was in the high 40's today with a little sun.  Tomorrow will be back to deep winter.  I am reading a book by Gary Schwartz, a science researcher at the University of Arizona. Its called "The afterlife experiments: breakthrough scientific evidence" and it gives me hope.     

Comment by Connie K on December 4, 2013 at 11:33am

Dolly

 Your husband's vision is beautiful and what a wonderful gift from your son. I believe your right that he is showing that he's okay and, happy and in a good and beautiful place. It's makes me feel like I should go ahead and put up some Christmas decorations just for Daniel to look down and see and know that we are trying to be okay too. Even though you are also right about that big ole hole in my heart. But Dolly, I know you have been looking for signs from Brandon and you got one! Even if it wasn't you directly. Sometimes just being still and quiet helps you to receive those messages.

Debi M I am so sorry for your loss. Yes the only hope we have is too keep our hearts open to the love for and by those who are still here. But also to embrace the love that still lives on with your son who's passed. That will never die. And I honestly don't know that I could go on if I didn't believe we will be together again and 5hathe is still with me only in another form, watching and protecting. I know there is more than what we see. After all we only see 1% of the electromagnetic field. That gives me hope.

Comment by Debi M on December 4, 2013 at 10:35am

I read all of your posts and it's like you are in my head. Thank you for this site. It's a place to know someone gets it. I wonder...do any of you feel the way I do when I hear the word HOPE. I see it so much on sites for those who are grieving. Just what am I supposed to HOPE for? Because hope and grief do not seem to go together. My hope would be for my son to be back with his young family. One of the twins has stopped saying "daddy." I cannot imagine what their little brains are trying to process in not having daddy with them anymore. I had 30 great years with my son. His wife and babies....so where does the word HOPE come in? Anyway, thank you all for listening and for being here. Again, I wish us all peace.

Comment by Vasanthi S on December 4, 2013 at 10:20am

Dolly, I'm positive that it is a glimpse into another level of existence which is far more superior to ours. I am sure Brandon is showing you how to feel the joy he feels by sharing it. 

Comment by Dolly on December 4, 2013 at 7:49am

This holiday season is so bizarre... trying to feel 'thankful'... knowing I have so many many reasons to be thankful and yet feeling so empty and often so angry at what we're having to face... the word 'WHY' is forever ringing in my ears.. which are ringing louder all the time... sometimes I feel like I'm being goaded, or tortured, or just being driven crazy... I try to tell myself how much better off I am than so many other people in the world... well I KNOW that's true, but somehow it doesn't really FEEL like it is.... its my FEELINGS that are so screwed up ... all the time... and they're SO hard to deal with.. to keep in check at times.. and to let out at times.... nothing works... everything is broken.... but I get scared that if I don't appreciate what I DO have then it will be taken away too... like I'll get clobbered again because I'm not grateful enough... man I hate this...

Comment by Teresa D. on December 4, 2013 at 6:15am

I have Michael's picture everywhere but always did.  I don't live with his dad so I don't have anyone else to consider.  Sometimes I stare at them so hard it's like I expect him to start talking to me.  Other times I sit and stare at them and think about the moment in time when they were taken.  I can't put them away. 

Vasanthi, I have those moments too.  When I feel alone I think of everyone. 

Anne, your right, what works for one might not work for another.  Me I like to see and hear what others are doing to see if it is something that can work for me.  I go to the websites people suggest, I look up books suggested and etc...  Everything might not be for me but I explore it to find that out.  Sometimes it's even the small things offered that I can apply for myself.

I just want to get to a better place then where I am now, because this is ugly.  I don't want to hurt like this.  Dolly is right this is like carrying a ton of cement on your back. 

I am not here to judge what anyone does.  I want support and I want to give support.  My family and friends have been great but it still feels good to be able to turn to those who know first hand how I feel. 

Anne even though you have your bad days I still find you to be encouraging.  For those further down the road you help me because you let me know what to expect.  For those who are new I'm sorry to say but you remind me where I was but I'm also able to see I am progressing. It might be slooooooooow but I am progressing.

My fiancé is hurting.  They were like brothers.  All I could do yesterday was hug him and cry with him and tell him "I'm sorry".  His family came to our house yesterday.  It was difficult for me to see them and to see their grief.  Today will be another difficult day in my house.

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