I wonderfully dream with my husband real often. Last night's dream was so much more real than others. It was wonderful and sweet. I felt his real presence.Happy times, as the ones we both had before his passing. It lasted long. I was happy again. I had a purpose, I was cared for, I was protected, I was loved. Never did I wanted to leave that dream.

However, when waken up this morning by my 2…

My friend Chris who has been dear to me for 20 yrs has pancreatic cancer.

long story short, he is in denial.

he has told friends that he has a pistol, and would rather take that way than tell his mom or daughter.

to be fair, they have gone through a lot.  Chris's dad just died this past spring from pancreatic cancer. and so did an  uncle and 2 aunts.......

i have watched my husband and a fiance both die horribly.

cancer

so i kind of understand what…

Today is November 17, 2011 and my son would have turned 31!!  Wow....I wonder what kind of man he would have been......married??....children??...  I'll never know and can only dream.  That's all my thoughts can consist of anymore --- dreams and made up stories of how full my life would be if he was still here.  But instead, I am empty....  He died at the age of 22 on July 26th.  My life will never be the same.  I know events and things happen to change our lives every day but when you…

This is the second Thanksgiving without my mother and I am not looking forward to it.  I just learned that my brother and his wife are having the family Thanksgiving dinner on Wednesday night since they are spending the actual Thanksgiving Day with her family.  My Dad decided to spend the holiday on a cruise with his girlfriend rather than with his children, which I am very upset about.  I think of Thanksgiving as a family holiday and I feel like my family is…

No one sees me or hears when I cry out, No one to catch me if I fall.

I am a tidal wave strong and unyielding.

I am a lonely rock beneath the sea stuck under the sand.

I am Invisible

I am a bird shot from the sky never to fly again.

I am a Rose in a garden overgrown, old and withered Never to be picked.

I am Invisible

I am the wind cold and icy.

I am a cloud in a storm dark, wet and waiting to disappear, So the sun can shine once…

Do I have to talk to anyone? Or look at them? Can I hate everyone? YES i CAN CAUSE IT'S MY LIFE! can I really ignore you when you talk to me. yup sure can.. Does it make me a b**ch you may think so..but I'm not just fed up.. I have no room left for caring or talking..or even listening my body is filled with as much crap I can handle..my heart is broken..can I hate everyone prob not but I can sure as hell not like as many people as I want! I need time!! will I ever be the same prob not but…

I honestly can't believe your gone..I have missed you long before you left us this morning. I'm so glad your not in pain anymore. But it doesn't excuse the fact I wish you were still with us. It's unfair how you were taken from us so soon. I love and I will miss you forever♥ April 7th 7:58 pm

Heard your voice today..it was hard but the most beautiful thing I have ever…

Ok...this is my first blog and visit to this site.  I have been looking for a way to express my grief.  I thought this site was a way to tell people how I feel, that can understand better then most people.

 I'm 24 and I've lost both my parents.  I lost my dad when I was 17.  He was murdered and his killer was never caught.  At the time, I thought that was going to be the hardest thing I would ever have to go through.  My dad and I were best friends.  He was there for everything in my…

I got Ariel's ashes scattered on her birthday, October 25th.  At first I thought it'd be just one place where that'd get done, but three others came to mind and kept coming up.  One was the spot where we'd renewed our vows on our 10-year wedding anniversary.  Another was the area in the back yard where we'd buried a lot of the pets we'd had over the years.  A third...well....that was her place.  Those all went OK.  It was sad, but at the same time I could also connect with the good memories…

Do you remember a time in your life when you stopped needing and looking for love, and it found you?

I remember a date about 16 years ago, she wanted me to pick up 2 tacos, so when I got to her house, she was coming out of her front door.  I grabbed the tacos from the front seat, got out of my drivers side door, set the tacos on my seat, then walked around to open her door for her, shut it, walked back around to get in my door, and sat on the tacos.  Needless to say, the relationship…

Our children were always very close, and they were very alike.  They were born 18 months apart, the boy first and then the girl.    Both dark headed, brown eyed, they had the same mouths and eyes.  They were also very intelligent, both growing up as honor students, excelling in their academics to the point where they each received full rides in their respective graduate schools.  They were very competitive too, and that may have been part of their quest for excellence - to keep the challenge…

I found this today and it is worth sharing.  I found it validated all of what I have been telling myself and others about letting me do this my way.  I have lived through enough horror in my life I know I needed to trust myself to make the right decisions for me and reading this today was good.  I am going to print a copy off and put it on my fridge.  I hope when you click on the link it takes you to the page written by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D. called Helping yourself heal when your spouse…

Once again I feel a mess. I had a few really good days, and then yesterday I woke up feeling raw and sad. It's still lingering on today. Sometimes I wonder if it will always be like this. Start feeling like my old self and then  *Boom* back to feeling like I did the day it happened. I just want to lay on the couch and not move. The thought of showering seems too strenuous. What kind of life is that?…

I've been thinking a lot lately and asking myself the question What is life?

Life is a living cell, or many cells, millions of them working together to produce life.

It originated in water vapor some  4.7 billion years ago.

It is living matter.

It produces through fertilization.

It's DNA and RNA and twenty amino acids. 

It's evolution

It is a journey from conception to birth, through childhood, adulthood and old age.

It is a growing and…

I just remember and found a couple of days ago, a special song my husband often sang to me when we were just dating.. Some of the lyrics said the following:

"Only God, Only Death, Will Ever Separate Me From Your Love"

The above came true, as today I realize that yes, Death did separated us from our Love.…

                                                                                  My grief is my own

No one else will ever feel exactly what I feel

My grief is a part of me

A refection of my life up until now

I do not grieve as my children grieve for their father

I grieve as a wife for my man

I do not grieve as a mom for a son

I…