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Comment by Jesse's Mom on October 21, 2015 at 11:01pm

Teresa, I have had the same experience with my friends. Yesterday I read a blog post that summarized my experience with the changed relationships, Here is the link http://www.aliveinmemory.org/2015/04/08/us-vs-them/#.VihcD14YESY

Some  are fortunate and have strong ties that help support them. I have seen greater strength come from that.

My greatest betrayal came from my supposed BFF who I knew from age 14. She lived with me and my parents when her own family turned their backs on her. I thwarted a rape attack on her at age 16 at great risk to myself. Fast forward...She someyears later came to be in lay leadership at her church. Always leading and singing in the front of her audience. But when my greatest crisis came she ran out on me. I think --rather I know --she did not want my sadness around her. Its strange, that she has attended church for many years, her husband is a "deacon", sent their son for pastor  training... but they can't stand to be around a suffering person which was me, her supposed best friend....it was one of the worst of my secondary losses.

Of course we all know the worst is waking up each morning and realizing our beloved child, in my case children...are no longer with us in the physical...and the worst has happened. Some, seem to reach a new "normal"...I am just not sure that I will ever reach anything but survival mode.

Comment by Sandy Hendrix on October 21, 2015 at 2:32pm

We are all here for you Lori.. did you find out what happened with your son? Sometimes you just feel like reading, cus like you say, it makes you feel not alone and that is fine too.  Hugs to you.. It's a lonely road we are on so it helps to have all these friends who all feel like family.

Comment by Sandy Hendrix on October 21, 2015 at 1:26pm

Oh Teresa...you do not need friends like that, "royalty" What the heck... I had a really close friend who has not been at all here for me and always says the wrong things, I work with her and I just do not talk to her, she asked one of my coworkers why I don't talk to her anymore.  I wanted to show her a poem someone on here had written a couple months after Randy and she said "I don't want to see anything sad"...really? then you better walk away from me!

Connie, I'm so glad sweet Pancho is a great dog, I agree with all of us, dogs are the best..so much love and they don't say stupid things!!! haha

Nobody asks me how I am, ever, it hurts me.. I'm sad, next year on Tuesday is a year, how can that be? I feel so disoriented and I cant focus, I screwed up a mailing at work yesterday so bad, so embarrassing, lucky my boss is really cool.

You are right Connie, nobody gets it but us, nobody has any idea how all consuming this grief is.  My hubby said - it should be getting a bit easier every day... WHAT? I told him you have no clue, he is Randys stepdad and is so there for me but he doesn't understand. Its not easier, its awful and sad and all consuming.

If we choose to look forward or excited for something, I almost feel like I shouldn't, but I'm going to try.

You are all on my minds every day...much love and hugs. Jill, we are coming to AZ Saturday and I can't wait! Wish I could stay all week but we can't.  Too bad not closer to Sedona... one of these days, we'll get up there. x0

Comment by Lori on October 21, 2015 at 1:23pm

Hi. I'm new here and reading things that you all write back and forth helps me feel like I'm not alone in these feelings I'm having. When I can go in public, people avoid me like the plague. It's so obvious too. I don't want pity. I don't want anything. Thank you for commenting here. It helps even when I don't join in by writing.

Comment by Connie K on October 21, 2015 at 11:56am

I agree T. We have our new rescue doggie of 3 months, Pancho. He is a golden retriever/Chow mix and I think Daniel must have led us right to him. He is the sweetest most loving dog. After losing my son's dog last Mother's Day this house was super quiet and it took a while to get just the right dog. He's brought a lot of fun back to us not to mention intense walking!

Thank God for him ad my kitties.

Teresa I am so sorry about your friends. It is impossible to be the same and for someone to say that to you, well, it hurt me too! I get that same attitude from my sister altho she doesn't come out and say it. She rarely calls me and when we do talk it's always about her, her kids, their kids, her job, her vacation plans, etc etc etc. They never even bother to ask how I'm doing in fear of having to hear the truth. I'm sure they think that by now, I should be "used" to it and not "feeling sorry for myself" as Joel Osteen said in his book. It comes from everywhere. Everywhere that people have not lost a child. They don't want to hear it because they don't get it. I am sorry you lost your friends. We all understand and send you love and our friendship all day long. Hugs to everybody.

Comment by Teresa D. on October 21, 2015 at 7:12am

I have two puggles. Pets always give you unconditional love. Just wish some people could be like pets.

Comment by Teresa D. on October 21, 2015 at 7:09am

Jill E they ask as if it matters to us.  All that matters to us is that we lost our child.  But some people will still ask not knowing how invasive the question is to us. 

This journey is difficult.  There are so many things we have to learn to deal with. Inappropriate questions and statements are just 2 of them.

I just recently lost two friends.  One told me I think I'm "Royality" since my Michael left.  How sick is that? And the other told me she can't be there to support me because it's like "re-living it"  HUH? 

I decided these are friends I don't need.

Comment by Jill E on October 21, 2015 at 12:25am

I hate it when people ask me how my son died.

Comment by Jill E on October 18, 2015 at 4:10pm

Sandy-I have my Puggle-we got her after we lost our home to fire 5 years ago (we lost one of our dogs in the fire) a Pug that is amazing but has some physical birth defects (like a huge tongue that hangs out about 3 inches all of the time), a King Charles Spaniel, she loves hiking all over Sedona and my old toothless chihuahua who is the king.
Josh loved dogs so much. I think he would have kept adopting as many as possible. I have always loved dogs and they are such a comfort to me. They can make me smile when nothing else can.

Comment by Teresa D. on October 18, 2015 at 3:32pm

Lori, I'm so sorry for the lose of your son.  I hate to have to say, "Welcome".  We're all here to support each other.  This is a place to share your thoughts...the good, bad or ugly. We get it.

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