Comment

Comment by Connie K on October 26, 2015 at 11:51pm

Sharon - that is a messed up thing to say. People think you can tuck your memories of your child into a neat little memory book and go on as if nothing happened...

Comment by Connie K on October 26, 2015 at 11:49pm

Nice to hear from you Toni. I feel the same. Such a hard time of year...

Comment by toni m dicarlo on October 26, 2015 at 7:50pm

I read the posts on this sight often but I very seldom post because what I read from other members says it for me, Gabe (LOLLY) has been gond since 5/26/11 and he would now be 20. When I got out of bed 2 months after it happened I started saying every day "this is not my life" Gabe was my only child and was a very happy easygoing boy. I went to grief counseling for 2 years but my husband only went for 6 months. He has just gone back into counseling for PTSD and grief. In the beginning I felt isolated and alone and asked God to let me come home everyday. this life is like a roller coaster because the grief can be unbearable some days and some days are ok. I get up every morning and concentrate on trying to make my face look like I'm ok. Even on good days it is exhausting mentally and physically to keep moving forward, this life feels so HEAVY  

Comment by Teresa D. on October 26, 2015 at 7:13pm

Jane's right it takes time to be able to endure some of the ignorant comments.  Some people don't mean to be ignorant but they have no clue. 

I have a daughter, no grandbabies, but a daughter.  I don't ever want her to feel as though I loved Michael more because that is not so.  But I explained to her while it is her brother it is my son and the grief is going to take me much longer to process.  I will admit I also hide a lot of it from her.

Sharon, just like when they say, "Michael wouldn't want you to cry."

I feel like asking them, "What would he want me to do?"

I just learned we will lose some people along the way.  Some will try and decide what this should look like and when it should end for us. And when it's not what THEY envision they will have ignorant things to say.

You have to walk away and just know, they don't know how grateful they should be not to be us.

Comment by Lori on October 25, 2015 at 11:23pm

Thank you all for the responses. It is such a comfort to hear those who know what I am feeling give advice instead of those who assume how I should feel.

Comment by Sharon on October 25, 2015 at 10:49pm

I had a "friend" tell me the other day that my son's death was in the past, and now I can just move on. I felt like asking her where I should move on to.

Comment by Jesse's Mom on October 25, 2015 at 9:59pm

Teresa, I had really identified with the author of that post and it helped me put some things in perspective.

Lori, I am sorry for that very misguided remark. Here is a link to Carol Kearns, a grief counselor who lost her own daughter on the topic of how many children do you say you have http://www.carolkearns.com/columns/col_children.html

But as I read your comment, it seemed like this friend was implying by having grief for the child you lost, that somehow this is compromising the relationships in your life with the other remaining child and grandchild...(unless I am misreading what you wrote)...

...you did not choose this path of grief and it is a very slippery unknown path at times. As a bereaved parent, you are doing the best you can and no one has the right to judge you...or evaluate you in your grieving...seek what is best for you that may heal you...gentle words from others will ease some of the wounding pain...I have cut people from my own life who used their words in a callous manner...this is a hard enough journey in my view...and a very individual one in your soul...

Comment by Jane P on October 25, 2015 at 2:53pm

Lori

Here's my best answer...

You have a choice. If you want to keep that person in your life, you use your "good" side. They cannot know the depth of our pain. They have been spared, we have not. They will never understand how hurtful those comments are, until you tell them.

For me, I quickly look away and I change the entire direction of the conversation. But it has taken me almost 3 years to get that far. This is one of the reasons I choose to live in "isolation" as much as I can.

I went to hair dresser last week, mine was off sick, I was given to someone I had never seen before. During the convo, I could feel it coming, I knew she was going to ask me about kids, she did. I said 2 girls. She said "Oh do they both live in town?" I said "only one does" and quickly asked her where she was from. I was abrupt. She didn't pursue it.

We are all suffering the ultimate tragedy in life.

None of us knew how this felt, until we became "one of us".

Ignorance is bliss.................

Comment by Lori on October 25, 2015 at 9:02am

Any suggestions how to handle people when they tell me I still have another son and grandson and need to start living for them??

Comment by Teresa D. on October 22, 2015 at 6:07am

Jesse's Mom Thank you for sharing that writing.  I cried reading it because it is so true.

I don't need the friend that tells me "Michael wouldn't want me to cry" I need the friend that simply hands me a tissue.

 

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